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When my boyfriend shook me awake in the middle of the night, shouting inches from my face, it took me several minutes to work out why he was so livid.Apparently, I had been making little noises in my sleep, and doing so deliberately just to annoy him. Toxic relationship: Melissa Kite was emotionally abused by her ex-boyfriend for three yearsIt was something of a change to his behaviour earlier that evening, when hea€™d refused to speak so much as a word to me.
The truth emerged on our first holiday, just weeks into our relationship, when he whisked me off to Provence.One evening, out of the blue, he yelled at me for getting out of the car first and told me to a€?come back herea€™. Back in the driving seat: Melissa says those who suffer should take personal responsibilityAnd there are many, many more men out there who behave this way. The views expressed in the contents above are those of our users and do not necessarily reflect the views of MailOnline. When I went inside he ranted that I was never to walk ahead of him again a€” always alongside or behind.Of course I packed my bags, disgusted, but he begged me to forgive him a€” so I did.
It was a living hell having to walk on eggshells all the time and the stress changed me beyond recognition.I went from being a confident, independent, feisty woman to someone who made myself small to please him and who, yes, eventually walked meekly alongside or behind, often in flat shoes. Proponents of these new proposals might think a law change would stop them, but it would do the opposite.


This could lead to being pushed into a chair and drilled, finger-wagging, for hours about my disrespect. It would alienate these men further, given that such behaviour already stems from the emasculation they feel. Sometimes it was the things that I said which were a€?wronga€™, leading him to explode with devastating insults.This behaviour, which lasted throughout our three-year relationship, wasna€™t just cruel and demeaning. With the loss of job and dignity, I fear it would have pushed him over the edge into goodness knows what behaviour.Add to that the fact that it is impossible to define what constitutes a€?emotional abusea€™, and there is far too big a grey area here. And that meant taking responsibility for the relationship, and ending it myself.Not calling the police, although I was tempted at times, but empowering myself through leaving of my own volition. Not just because of the terrible toll this would have taken on him a€” reputational damage, job loss, distress, and the inevitable rise in his anger a€” but also for the way it would have changed me.I dona€™t think I would have been able to recover from the justice system intervening in my personal life. That is the essence of why I believe the police must not be dragged into emotional abuse: giving over control of your private life, effectively, to an institution takes you even further out of the driving seat. In the end, I recovered from the experience because I took control and left that destructive situation myself.I first met my former boyfriend, a high-flying City boy, through friends eight years ago, when we were both in our mid-30s.


Time and again I tried to leave my ex, then agreed to take him back a€” and I was extremely lucky we never managed to get married.But eventually, I did tell him that I would not put up with his nonsense any more. Then I put the phone down and ignored the torrent of calls and voicemails demanding that we talk.By standing by my decision, my self-esteem grew back. If the police had been involved, I do not believe I would have felt so strong or proud of my ability to help myself. Admittedly I had counselling, which gave me the confidence to deal with the break-up.It is here that I believe institutions can help, by increasing the support available to women in difficult relationships. If I had simply had him arrested for a€?emotional abusea€™, I would have learned nothing and walked straight into the arms of another man with the same personality traits.



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