Gay Relationship Advice: Why Do Gay Men Have Problems Forming Long-Term Intimate Relationships? It’s a big question with no simple answer, but there are lots of reasons that contribute to the difficulties that gay men have in finding a long-term partner.
Chicago therapist Brian Rzepczynski is known as The Gay Love Coach, and he recently interviewed me on the difficulties that gay singles and couples experience. I think there’s probably so many different reasons for it, but primarily when I reflect on this question it really comes back to that on some level all of us as gay men are injured in some way. So, there’s this sense of just not really wanting to work through the difficult stuff. And if something is not perfect in their relationship, there seems to be this approach of, “Oh, it doesn’t really work for me.
Brian: And it, also, reinforces what you were saying before about relationships are disposable like that mindset. Clinton:  I think it’s sad that we seem to have lost the skill of what about just getting to know someone? But one of the issue around that is many couples aren’t clearly negotiating with each other about if they are going to open up the relationship, what are the boundaries, what are the guidelines we need to adhere to. Clinton:   Now if you are dating, what I say is take the pressure off yourself in the dating. On the other side of that coin, I, also, encourage that you do raise issues with each other, and you raise them early, and you raise one issue at a time. And anytime you start avoiding issues, you know it’s going to be worse in the long run. Brian:  Communication is definitely key, and as soon in the moment as you can address that issue the better. And then as we mentioned before, just creating a time for emotional and sexual intimacy is really important.
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Xander Flemming, who has a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is a registered counselling psychologist, is Mambaonline’s resident advice columnist. Have you thought about your ideal boyfriend or person that you want to build a life with and love you unconditionally?
I don’t want to assume that you are 21 years old (being 3rd year at varsity), but if so, you are still very young. Maybe there are some lessons that life wants to teach you before going steady with your next boyfriend (e.g. After persuading him that it really is okay and not the end of the world, he decided to give it a shot. Discordant couples (where one partner is HIV-positive and the other HIV-negative) are able to build strong and fulfilling relationships, even though they might experience some challenges (the same as with other relationships). I would recommend a good open and honest chat with him to identify both of your needs, communicate these needs to each other (as your needs seems to differ at this stage – your need is to have a boyfriend while he might only need a supportive friend), to negotiate and to explore ways to support him on his journey. He will benefit from counselling to receive professional guidance on his journey (HIV-counsellor or psychologist). Regarding the “20 minutes”: I don’t have enough info to say that it is indeed premature ejaculation (20 minutes is not bad by the way). Step 1: Begin sexual activity as usual, including stimulation of the penis, until you feel almost ready to ejaculate. Step 2: Have your partner squeeze your penis at the point where the glans (head) joins the shaft, maintain squeezing for a few seconds until the urge to ejaculate passes. Step 3: After the squeeze is released, wait for more or less 30 seconds, then go back to foreplay. Step 4: If you again feel the urge to ejaculate, let your partner repeat the squeeze technique.
Please note: By submitting your questions to Ask Mamba, you agree to give Mambaonline the right to publish your question and Xander’s response. Should you have an urgent problem that requires an immediate response then contact the OUT counselling line on 0860 OUT OUT (0860 688 688). If he's at home, don't bug him about work, don't nag him about stuff he hasn't accomplished, don't compare him; just accept him as less complicated. Her: "When you left the house with my car keys in your messenger bag, it felt like you didn't see me. I wrote a book called 31 Days to Build a Better Relationship, which is now available in the Kindle Amazon Store, and it’s been downloaded over two thousand times. Today we’re going to be talking about blocks that can get in the way of gay men being able to achieve success in their long term relationships.
We don’t have a template, or a role model, or a socialization process for how to relate with other as intimate partners as our heterosexual counterparts do, so it makes it really challenging. You need to have a six pack so you can put a photo on Grindr or Scruff, or whatever else it is.
These dating sites and the apps are kind of like a candy store almost, where you can readily have sex at the push of a button.
I see that as quite problematic as well, and many gay men go about looking for relationships the wrong way. What about just being friends with someone for a period of time, and really starting to get to know someone on a deeper level before you even have sex. And, also, too, I like that internalized homophobia and maybe if you’re not comfortable with your masculinity, sometimes those issues can make it difficult I think for gay men to really commit and fathom the idea of being able to commit to someone in the long term.
I think that’s a huge issue for many gay men, and internalized homophobia is right here in Sydney.
You said something really important there, that it needs to be revisited, and I think that’s where problems arise, because couples often have a conversation somewhere near the beginning of their relationship. We have a strong foundation, and now we have the flexibility to explore our sexuality with other people within certain parameters and guidelines. I think gay couples face a lot of the same issues that everybody does in terms of squabbles about finances, and household management, and those kinds of things, too. We’ve been talking a lot about challenges and difficulties that gay men can have in finding a partner, and in maintaining it over the long haul.
There’s just so many distractions that I think that exercise really forces a couple to just attend to each other, and that really does fuel the emotional connection.


And the other thing is don’t think that you can only have exciting sex with other people. And it’s really helping them understand that commitment is actually very sexy and hot as well. We’ve kind of been talking about this along the way, but I was wondering if you might be able to speak a little bit to how we might be able to confront some of these blocks, so that we can promote more successful gay relationships moving forward.
So you take some time out of every week, and it might only be thirty minutes if you have hectic lives, where you take a walk or you do an activity together, but you don’t have any interruptions. Does this belief come from negative self-talk, from feedback you’ve received from others, or a combination of both?
What is important, is how we deal with those feelings, how we act out on them and whether we respect the other person enough to realise that he does not necessarily share the same sexual orientation as us – implying that we might need to let go of those feelings at some stage.
It might be beneficial to receive professional guidance in dealing with your current thoughts and emotions. He had doubt about us dating at first and I could not understand why, till he told me he was HIV positive. One of these challenges might be reflected in the HIV-positive partner still trying to reach acceptance of his HIV status and also fear of committing to a partner who does not share a similar HIV status (doubt might be a reason, as you have indicated at the beginning of your email). The HIV-positive partner might fear infecting the negative partner (if they engage in sexual activities) or fear of abandonment. You have seen his heart, but there are some parts that he is not ready to share with you (because he wants to deal with his own process first and pull himself towards himself). He has to complete his own process and be okay with himself in order to be okay with his partner. Also, it is important that he consults a nurse or doctor on a regular basis to monitor his viral load and CD-4 count and receive guidance on healthy living with HIV. To read more on how to get cleaned up before anal sex and how to enjoy safe anal sex, read this article.
It might be that it is very exciting for you and that might cause you to ejaculate quickly. You may notice that the penis becomes less erect, but when stimulation is resumed, the penis will become erect again.
After a few practice sessions, the feeling of knowing how to delay an ejaculation may become a habit that no longer requires the squeezing technique.
All emails are treated as highly confidential and no personal identifying details will be published. He's not thinking about you -- or if he is, he doesn't want to talk about it because his bad feelings will evaporate if you don't try to dig into his brain. That's for birthdays and anniversaries, or when you're both a little drunk and can pretend to be kissing somebody else.
Even as a female, the quest for girls was always more complicated, the thirst never as easily satisfied. I was wondering if you could just maybe tell us a little bit in your perception about why do gay men seem to have such a difficult time making their relationships last?
I often feel really sad about the situation, because I don’t know about you, but I work with a lot of single gay men, and a lot of them are very lonely. I don’t know anyone who grew up with really positive gay role models, and role models of gay couples. I think what I certainly see is a lot of gay men treat relationships as if they’re disposable.
That’s a real big issue, and it causes a lot of loneliness and pain, and actually I see this a lot in my own practice, too.
I think, also, I’m seeing with the rise of apps and online dating, and certainly the hook-up sites, which is really big here in Australia. People are only interested in other people with perfect bodies, and I think it really creates a lot of misery that so many gay men struggle to accept their bodies and who they are. Unfortunately, that’s a completely different entity from what developing a close and intimate relationship is really all about.
It, also, shows that in the online dating arena with people only wanting to meet other people that are masculine. But I think that we, also, have some very unique relationship challenges that can come about more often, and a lot of that does entail things like boundaries around monogamy and non-monogamy. But the truth be told, also, there are a lot of gay couples out there who are actually very successful at it. There are many gay couples in successful long term relationships, and my only sadness about that is sometimes they’re not more visible to the younger generations. This is really important, because a lot of gay men use drugs and alcohol to have sex, and particularly with the rise of things like crystal meth, it’s just enormously damaging to your ability to have enjoyable sober sex with each other. It may feel artificial, but make time on the weekend to just take thirty minutes, and go into the bedroom and just lay in bed with each other, and look at each other, or stroke each other, and just talk. Do you want me to address for people who are in a relationship, or people that aren’t?
If you’re stuck in the clubbing and bar scene, take a break from that and join a sporting or gay sporting group. And there’s a lot less pressure than standing in a bar with a drink and being on the hunt. And certainly you can even take the pressure off having sex or an orgasm off the table, but just spend some time maybe just holding each other, or just being naked in bed and talking with one another and touching one another. It makes me sick because I don’t understand why I cannot find anyone who will love me! Would you be able to bring the same qualities to the relationship that you expect from your boyfriend?
Before you offer up your anus to a partner, it’s a good idea to spend time getting to know it well. You may want to start with some foreplay, such as letting your partner finger you (using plenty of lube) until you relax.
If you are concerned, you are welcome to consult a doctor to determine any biological causes, or chat to a psychologist to see if there might be psychological causes. Or, "I accidentally left the house this morning with my boyfriend's car keys in my purse, so I'm going to have to fuck him tonight." Huh? And then I had to spend my day correcting your mistake by Ubering to your office to get my own keys.


If I was, it was obscured by the pinkity-pink of the dresses I was shoved into without a care as to my opinion. They muse, "If you're attracted to women, do you spend a lot of time touching your own breasts?" "If you're into girls, why aren't you into me?
No, I am not attracted to most heterosexual women, because being with a woman who has never been with a woman is a little like teaching someone how to ice skate. I was wondering maybe if you could just tell our listeners a little bit about yourself and what you do. They’re certainly things that go through my practice around loneliness, or difficulty to find partners that are interested in long-term relationships, and commitment, being in a committed relationship. I see a lot of gay men that have characteristics of perfectionists, meaning that they strive to be perfect in so many areas of their lives.
Things like say no fems, really kind of derogatory and discriminatory language that can be really harmful for other gay men is right here. I’m just curious if you might be able to share just some examples of some of the common presenting issues that you see with couples who come to your practice looking for help. They have the everyday normal troubles that we all have, but there are a lot of I think positive relationship role models out there, and I was wondering maybe if you might be able to speak to what some of those ingredients of a healthy relationship might be, so that couples can aspire towards that. In reality, I think conflict is a sign that the relationship is actually maturing, and we just have to find productive, healthy ways of being able to bridge the gap to negotiate those differences, because then you can really grow stronger as a couple that way.
It’s a normal process of healthy couple development, and if you can change your mindset around that, it can really benefit your relationship. What I feel so sad about is that in a long-term relationship, the intimacy and the sex can even get better than it was in the beginning. And you just get back to enjoying each other, really enjoying being with each other, and remembering why you’re with this person, why have you chosen to be with this person. Try to find a good time to talk about it, and, again, you want to have time where you can talk about it without interruptions, and structure that so it’s a good time for both of you. Besides doing my homework in the past about transmission and all, I just was not fazed by this disease. He is trying to find inner healing, reach acceptance of his HIV status and possibly trying to learn how to live positively with HIV.
As I grew up, I kind of followed what my peers were doing, and that included exploring my sexuality with the opposite sex. Are you into me?" "Guys make a lot of jokes about how women smell and taste; are those rumors true? Skating only gets fun after you're done with the lengthy initial insecurities and instruction process.
I’m also the founder of an online counselling directory called Australia Counselling, which is a free directory for finding counsellors and psychologists in Australia. I’m not exactly sure what the exact reason for it is, but I think it really goes down to what you were saying earlier with the fact that on some level we all have a little bit of wounding or injury that really hurts our self-esteem in a lot of respects, and that may feed into that whole perfectionism that you were talking about. Courtship is a beautiful thing, and it can be exciting, and sexy, and flirtatious, and it’s a wonderful way to get to know someone on a deeper level, without jumping into bed and having an intimate sexual encounter.
Certainly they have strong communication skills, so when they start to experience differences of opinion, perhaps they have different wants or needs, they address issues early on. Get out there, not with the intention that you want to find a date, or you want a pick up, but you just want to make friends.
That is a beautiful form of intimacy where you don’t have the pressure of having to perform.
What is important here is that we as men-who-have-sex-with-men (MSM) don’t stereotype ourselves based on heteronormativity (that one partner should only be top and the other should only be bottom). And even worse, in a relationship of two women, we don't trade sex for the emotional "out" of a confrontation. Though I most certainly respect it and decidedly long for it, it just doesn't exist as an option. Are we gross?" All those terrible jokes men cling to because guys want to receive and not give oral sex. When you feel comfortable, you could try use a sex toy, like a dildo, a smaller butt plug or anal beads, with lots of lube. Use plenty of lube – you can smear some inside your anus and also apply it liberally to your partner’s penis.
I'll apply this ointment to my own inflamed personality immediately." But they don't, because they can't. I do know stuff about guys that women may want to know, because I walk fairly invisibly behind the "enemy" lines. Those innuendos have had women throughout the ages wondering about the aromatic nature of our own genitals.
And, as for the mythology of the scent of a woman: well, if for some reason it's strong, there's generally something going on down there. They actually move into conflict, and they see conflict not as something to be avoided or to run away from, but an opportunity to grow and move together towards each other, to find other common understanding, or even just to understand a different perspective to themselves that they might agree to. It’s best to use a proper sex toy rather than a household item to avoid any embarrassing complications. When the penis starts being inserted into your anus, ask your partner to go slowly – especially at first. It would be so much simpler to just fuck away the bad feelings, versus having to endure a bleary-eyed marathon. He resents you for feeling so much, but he loves you because you feel so much, which, in turn, forces him to feel. The most important thing to remember is to take your time until you’re comfortable and enjoy the sensations you feel.
If you feel pain at any point, ask him to stop and be still for a little while he’s inside of you, and then let him try move again.
Keep it casual, relaxed, and make it fun, dating will often be something you look forward to, as opposed to something where you say, “Oh, my God. In time your body will learn to know the difference between having anal sex and needing to go to the loo.




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