When it comes to romantic relationships, what is the most important thing you look for in a person? Although many will have a different answer, the one thing that tops the list for most people (or at least makes their top 3!) is honesty. I have worked with many individuals who come into therapy because they are unhappy in their relationship.
First, before I share this particular example, let me say that I think it’s so unfair that as women we struggle as we do with physical self-image. The truth is that it takes courage to give honesty to those we love, and it may be even harder to receive that honesty.
While it’s valued, honesty may be one of the most challenging parts of your relationship. The fear is that if we share something about our partner that is unpleasant, honesty can lead to disconnection.
Most important, if you’re going to be honest with your partner about whatever it is that concerns you about him or her or how he or she affects you—whatever it is—what you say needs to be said with love and compassion. As always, remember that this is very hard work, so be kind to yourself, as well, in this very challenging relational work! Details of the any stories told in any of my blogs have been changed to protect the identity of people I work with in therapy. I loved this message, not only for its content, but also how delightfully you articulate heavy points.
Being more on the soft-spoken side (like my father), I can bring subjects up and it is as water running off others backs in the shower. Subscribe to Maria's Second Helpings Newsletter to see what she's cooking, reading, writing, and more! Have you ever looked at your partner and questioned whether or not they are telling the truth? Deception is an everyday occurrence, with numerous studies showing its prominent usage to be a facilitator in communication. A recent study found that 83% of people in a relationship believe that they would easily be able to tell if their partner is lying, but interestingly this may not be the case. As lying causes a conflict of emotions, both guilt and desire to lie, it has effects on our behaviour. High self monitors are people who monitor their behaviour closely, thus have more success in controlling behavioural leakage.


It is easier to detect a lie when you have knowledge on the matter, for example a lie about having no phone battery can be detected if their Facebook status was recently updated from their phone. In a relationship one may not expect their partner to be lying , due to their close relationship, thus they do not look for non verbal cues, however you do become accustomed to a person’s actions thus it could be easier to detect a lie. They share with me what makes them unhappy about their loved one, meaning what that person does or doesn’t bring to the relationship.
Some don’t want to hurt their partner, while others worry about the reaction they will receive. While we naturally want to turn to our partner for support, and most partners want to be supportive, we sometimes don’t realize how our venting about life affects our partner.
But growth in a relationship occurs when we are open to providing feedback to our partner and receiving it in return. It’s likely that no one knows you better than your partner, and it can be frightening to receive honest feedback about yourself from someone who knows you so well. Although she works with a variety of life issues that are presented to her in therapy, her passion is to understand the vast complexities of all relationships. Sign up for Maria’s Second Helpings newsletter for must-have tips, recipes, and inspirational quotes sent to your inbox.
It isn’t until someone with credibility has published the same information via physical literature or in the cyber realm that it lands in their head. The information presented on this website is not intended as specific medical advice and is not a substitute for professional medical treatment or diagnosis.
For example the usage of “white lies” can maintain and create relationships, be it a tactful reply, or just an exaggeration of the truth to gain respect.
It is a skill to detect deception, and people are likely to over estimate their ability at doing so. However, it is also easier to detect lies about factual lies as logic can be applied to deduce whether they could or could not be feasible.
Yes, most relationships are challenging, and it is my passion to help people with challenges in all relationships. This includes, but is not limited to mates, friends, co-workers, even an acquaintance Kudos to you for taking the time and putting forth the effort to share. However, when lies have more salience, if detected they can indeed be the cause of relationship breakdown and divorce. Also, even though we may try to hide any changes in non verbal cues, it is near impossible and behavioural leakage can occur, such as lack of eye contact or postural shifts.


Men, more than women, have been found to be naturally better at controlling their behaviours, such as postural shifts during speech. However, it has been found that lies with emotional content are much harder to detect, as logic is harder to apply.
If one isn’t looking for a lie, they are far less likely to discover they are being lied to.
How do you say to your spouse, “I struggle to feel attracted to you when you pose that question to me”? But the goal in a relationship is to feel connected and grow in our connection with one another. I am so happy to know that you can apply some of my blogs to your very important relationships. I'm a writer, cook, organic enthusiast, romance novel lover, and major music fan who does yoga. Nevertheless, even when controlling behaviours, it is impossible to control every aspect of behaviour so there will be leakage that can be spotted. Also, preprepared lies are harder to detect as being false, as due to their rehearsed nature they are more concise and to the point.
However, this can backfire, as one may end up misreading cues in a desperate attempt to spot something unusual.
When you feel ready, please feel free to share your thoughts with me in the comment section. Thus, to spot a deceiver, one should try not to think of explanations of behaviour, but rather look for things out of the ordinary. It is those who are better at hiding these behaviours which are more successful in their deception. To spot whether the content of someone’s statement is true look for the length of the utterance and pauses, whether the person seems to be improvising on the spot, or whether the statement seems to be preprepared.



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