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When you find you can't wear makeup, and heaven forbid glitter makeup, because it settles and draws attention to your "creases," you're in trouble. Then there's the, "The baby is sleeping, so you better cut it out" look. This one has to be the most powerful wrinkle-generating look known to mankind, encapsulating everything that the parent's yell would do without the help of practiced vocal chords. Therefore, children take all phone-parent interaction time as their cue to scream, bang things together, knock each other over the head with wooden spoons, and leap off the furniture - preferably onto a pet or sibling's back. The look a parent must devise in these circumstances is tricky, because, if you are actually speaking to someone on the phone in an old-fashioned way, it involves mouthing all kinds of threats at your kids without allowing any actual sound to leave your mouth, preventing said threats from interrupting your conversation. One of the most common wrinkle-inducing phenomenon is the, “I’m not a witch; I’m your mom!” look.
As for the crushed silk look of my eyelids and the multiple lines fanning out across my forehead and around my mouth, they're just a hazard of the parenting trade.
Hillary was once known to her closest friends and siblings as "that weird girl." Now her four kids know her as the loud, goofy, crazy lady who packs their lunches, calls them silly names in front of their friends, and takes them to soccer practice. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
It's the sheer magnitude of looks I must give them on a daily basis just to keep them in line.


You scrunch your face up into the ugliest, most terrifying, eyebrows-on-eyeballs, Elvis-sneering look you can muster in order to prevent your older kids from waking up the baby with their shenanigans.
Every child, as parents well know, holds the fundamental belief that A) the phone is their greatest rival, beside any siblings, for their parent's attention, and B) said parent will physiologically be unable to pry themselves from the phone in order to discipline - no matter how atrocious their kids' behavior becomes while they're thus distracted.
I haven’t even mentioned the wrinkles you get while trying to comprehend their math homework, their unwavering loyalty to potty humor or their need to text you incessantly while sitting in the same room as you. But I couldn't ever do it (until they're offering it for free to random haggard-looking people). If you're a mom or dad, maybe you're nodding so vigorously right now, you're about to knock your head on the computer screen and add a nasty bruise to complement those warrior wrinkles.
Sometimes, you must give this look several times in rapid succession while pointing a finger like a dagger at the perpetrator of the noise.
I certainly don't mind the deep laugh lines my children have given me, or even the increasingly saggy marks on my belly that are proof of four tiny human beings having roomed there until they were ready for the world stage. People who pay to get Botox have too much money, obviously, if they’re looking to spend it on something more than school supplies and braces.


If you have or have had a toddler, you've seen them eat with relish from the great and variable offerings of the floor, but you also know that edible things are rarely EVER black.
This look is the one that will cause your grandchildren to run from you when you've finally mellowed out in old age, and it is without doubt the one responsible for making your nose look like it's just an overhang of that deep canyon running down your forehead. You can read about her OCD life choices (or non-choices), family joys and constant mistakes at her personal blog No Pens, Pencils, Knives or Scissors. We less affluent mortals must bravely pretend that our wrinkles add distinction to an otherwise boring face. This look of utter, face-marring repulsion also applies as you watch your adolescent son eat 10 slices of pizza in one sitting.



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