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If people are giving you grief for skipping out on festive social plans in order to stay home and watch the quality programming offered this time of year on the ABC Family, Hallmark and Lifetime channels, then they just don’t understand. Here are 11 ways to find true love for Christmas… according to holiday TV movies, that is. There is a staggeringly disproportionate number of super-hot widows in the world of holiday TV movies. Because even though he’s crazy-rich and wears a bluetooth, he’s also really mean!
When an emotionally unstable man kidnaps a woman and holds her hostage in a remote log cabin, it’s a heinous crime. Travel Tip: If you need to fly home, choose a smaller framed man so his dismembered body parts fit in your Vera Bradley carry-on.

Start making arrangements to ride everywhere in limousines, because all famous people ride exclusively in limos and Escalades and Priuses don’t exist at all. So, you moved to the Big City and vowed never to return to the podunk town from which you hail? We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. Relax, but be warned: Your assistant will always long for your straight love interest in a totally non-threatening way, because unrequited gay crushes are hilarious! When an emotionally unstable waitress who’s sick of Mom bugging her about being single decides to handcuff Mario Lopez (not like that, you perv! The holding-someone-against-their-will way!) as her personal Christmas love slave, it’s a madcap adventure to Truelovetown.

Your Paw-Paw who raised you since you were a pup died, you now own The Farm, and that guy who works at the hardware store who you played with as a child but NOW HATE SO HARD is your destiny. He still loves you despite the fact that you’re totally boring, always wearing sensible knits and have literally nothing going for you, except that you once dated This Guy.

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