21.08.2014

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I am pretty embarrassed now to admit this story about a bumper sticker I once put on my partner’s truck. It wasn’t the nicest bumper sticker in the world, but at the time I thought it was awesome. You see, years ago I went through this phase where I thought nagging was the greatest thing. Actually, I started feeling pretty embarrassed that I had put this bumper sticker on my partner’s truck in the first place, because my belief that nagging was a good and productive choice for relational communication changed. That dream that someone else will make my world feel safe and ensure that I feel loved is alive and well in my being.
Creating space is letting ourselves get quiet when we want to lash out and blame our man for all the ways we don’t feel right. It is listening to our inner voice about what scares us and where we feel uncertain and where we are grasping for another person to make it all okay for us. Our outer word is a reflection of our inner world, so the best way to get lasting results in our relationships is to look inside and see where our beliefs and thoughts aren’t aligning with the love and abundance we desire. We really need to ask ourselves if we want healing for everyone, or if we just want the world to be the way we want it. I would never be so arrogant (okay, I have been in the past, but I don’t want to be now) as to say I know  what his journey needs or where he is going. When our relationships revolve around us trying to get them to do what we want, we diminish the fact that they have their own sh*t to work out. I am looking to bring change to my own life by making a shift away from the negativity I bring to some of these communication moments.
The pushing my partner to do what I want, the little digs about getting everything done and being organized, the frustration in my voice that things aren’t working out the way I wish they would.
Blame is one of the easiest ways to disperse tension and congested energy from our systems. We get uncomfortable in our bodies, minds and spirits, and so we lash out at other people, the government or other institutions and especially at ourselves. We think we need to find a cause for our discomfort in a juvenile attempt to dislodge the thorn that is causing us pain. Other people can support us on our journey. They can encourage us and tell us we are worthy and remind us they love us and want us to keep going, keep changing, keep becoming who we were meant to be. That is why I am going to hold onto this image of creating space for love and grace to enter. And it means encouraging myself to know I can do it, with support or no support, because in the end this is the only way I can bring into my life the sense of safety that I am craving. Ruth Lera is a mindfulness meditation teacher, energy healer, writer and boreal forest loiterer. She is the creator and teacher of the online school The Self Healing Academy which offers courses designed to help students tap into their innate ability to heal themselves. Besides being a regular contributor for elephant journal, Ruth shares her thoughts on energy healing and the universe on her blog, Facebook page, and on Twitter.
Woman want to be heard, respected, loved, honored, listened to, supported, paid attention to, have their space, feel validated, cherished, noticed, made to feel special, looked at the right way. We want all these things and don’t think we should have to tell him and then we go so far as to get resentful when he doesn’t do them.
I’m here to tell you that he has no idea what you want and some of these things are the farthest thing from what he “thinks” you want.


Men want to please women more than anything in this world and they want you to tell them what you want and what they can do to make you happy.
This doesn’t sound fair to me at all and yet I’ve been guilty of this exact thing in a few of my previous relationships, including my marriage.
What I’ve learned in the two years of intensely interviewing men about all aspects of women and relationships is that men need and want to be told how to make a woman happy.
I decided to discuss some of the things that women want because as I was interviewing men and asking about their wants and needs, they kept asking me questions about women and how to make them happy. I can’t speak for all women but I can tell you that I have not approached all my relationships thinking that I needed to tell the man what I needed and wanted.
It’s interesting to me that, for the most part, men focus on how to make women happy and women focus on what they’re not getting from men. Even though women want it all and have high expectations of men, we have to realize that men are just as needy and vulnerable as we are and they want it all too. There are a number of scenarios where women fall for a man but somehow can’t make that breakthrough that they desire most.
Something that happens all the time between men and women is that a friendship develops but then one person wants to be more than just friends. You don’t have to be incredibly obvious and throw yourself at someone but if you flirt with one of your guy friends a little bit you can see how he responds to it. If you flirt with him a little bit you may be able to figure out if he has the same feelings for you. As I mentioned earlier there is a chance that he feels the same way as you do but he is also afraid to do anything about it. Telling him that you want more than just a friendship is definitely the most direct approach. This is one of those risk versus reward situations and you have to decide if you would rather risk losing the friendship for the chance at a romantic relationship or if you are alright with remaining friends but living with questions and regrets. Because I wanted to feel in control, I wanted to feel safe and I wanted more certainty in my life that things were going to work out the way I wanted them to. My partnership has so many facets, such as running businesses, raising and schooling children, property development, travel plans, financial decisions and, on top of all that, having an intimate, loving relationship. For me this means cleaning up the old gunk that doesn’t belong anymore and is clogging up my inner being, preventing love and grace from having full reign. While you’re lamenting about what he doesn’t do, he’s busy trying to figure out what you need and when you need it. I found it endearing that these guys were supposed to be telling me their needs and desires and yet so many of them were more focused on how they could make women happy. I have to admit that I was mainly focused on what I wasn’t getting from the guy, or what I wished he would be doing.
Perhaps we should start asking for what we need from our partner and stop expecting them to read our minds and intuitively know what we want. Maybe you grew up together and the guy thinks of you as a sister, or maybe you met this guy when he had a serious relationship and now that they broke up you would like to take your relationship to the next level.
There is a chance that he has feelings for you as well but neither one of you wants to risk damaging the friendship.


Even if he doesn’t have the same feelings for you yet, flirting with him and showing him that you are interested may get him to change his mind about you and he may start to think of you as more than just a friend.
If your guy friend has feelings for you but he doesn’t want to come right out and say it, he might be leaving some clues with some of the other things that he says.
The eyes are the windows to the soul and you can learn a lot just by paying attention to body language. And creating this safety for myself seems hard, because I know it means looking even more closely at where I hurt.
No one is a mind reader and open communication is the only way to creating a relationship based on mutual respect and give and take. Putting any bumper sticker you think is regarding him on his truck is you being controlling. I completely agree that they want sex, but women toss aside the fact that men have feelings and insecurities just like women do and he would like some reassurance as well. I believe this comes with age for most of us or maybe you’re lucky enough to have it in your DNA, but most of us have to learn this over time and figure it out as we go.
There are a million ways that people end up in the friend zone but a lot of people don’t know what to do to get out of it.
The dilemma is that you want to be more than friends but if you come on too strong, things will get weird and your friendship may never be the same.
For example, if he compares other women to you and puts you in a more favorable light, he may be interested in you. He might feel the same way about you and then you can pursue a relationship and make him your boyfriend.
Out of a habitual tendency to want to avoid my own pain, I would rather think about the ways my partner could change his attitude and behaviors than do the hard, emotionally demanding work of making myself feel safer.
His main focus is you and your happiness and your main focus is what you are not getting from him.
He would like some positive feedback when he does something you like, and he’d like to be told gently but clearly what it is that you would like him to do. The bottom line is that men want the exact same things as women; they just go about it differently.
If you are sitting across from him at a restaurant or coffee shop you can reach over and touch his hand or touch him on the knee when you are talking. Telling him how you feel is not easy to do because you might fear being rejected but nothing worthwhile comes easy. He should know the right thing to say and do in all situations and we want him to be able to protect us if there is a threat or danger nearby.
Just a little bit of physical contact might be enough to turn him on and that will help you break out of the friend zone.



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