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Is my moaning neighbour a lost cause?DEAR BELMy neighbour (61) has lived with a man (65) for eight years.
My 61-year-old neighbour says that although her husband never took her anywhere, she wishes she was back with him.
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We have some bad news for you: While you were were busy sleeping in or ordering brunch this weekend, some person in your neighborhood with an entrepreneurial spirit -- and a major ax to grind -- was throwing an epic divorce sale. CAN I FORCE MY SOON-TO-BE-EX-HUSBAND’S NEW GIRLFRIEND TO STAY AWAY FROM MY KIDS WITHOUT HIRING A GOON OR WINDING UP IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM? Chances are, once you’ve made the decision to untie the knot, you – and your spouse – may, no, will find another person who floats your boat. But know this:  As much as the court is interested in making sure your children’s needs are met, it will never want that as much as you do. There is no equality in such a meeting a€” I havena€™t remarried or been lucky enough to have more children.He says I should grow up and lose the hatred.
She complained because hea€™d been visiting his children, whose alcoholic mother died three years ago.She told me shea€™d lost a 14-month-old baby (obviously many years ago) and says that although her husband never took her anywhere she wishes she was back with him.
A lesson from 50 years agoThe 50-year anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis transported me to an encounter with my teenage self. Check out the rest of the One Day You’re Going To Wake Up And Notice That You Should’ve Tried picture, and the full page gallery as well.
But I feel he is being unfair to suggest putting me in this situation a€” in fact, it is making me feel quite ill thinking of it now.I dona€™t want to see his new wife and would rather forget all about her. I have a beloved friend who was a€?the other womana€™ in a marriage break-up, and the wife in question failed to a€?grow up and lose the hatreda€™, but instead savagely turned her children against their father, with truly sad, long-term results.So I think your ex is right and that you will only go on hurting yourself as well as your sons if you continue to clutch anger and resentment to your chest. Shea€™s very negative a€” full of grumbles a€” and shea€™s told me shea€™ll leave him once shea€™s saved enough.

My friend Helen and I set up a stall in Trowbridge, Wiltshire, with a sign demanding a€?Hands Off Cubaa€™.
Thata€™s a terrible weight, too, and while you didna€™t choose to have it thrust into your arms, the decision to put it down is now yours. He takes her out for meals and on nice holidays, but she moans because she has to clean, cook, wash and iron for him. She says therea€™s nothing in our small town, yet ita€™s friendly with an excellent library and sports complex. The financial support from him isna€™t enough to free me from struggle and ita€™s only because the court made him that he pays anything at all! She doesna€™t seem to have any friends, and doesna€™t seem to have any confidence in herself.I think she needs counselling. She hasna€™t had to work since she met him, but I have always worked.The past few years have been hard since I lost my full-time job. I was 17 and, convinced I knew right from wrong, I believed in clear-cut solutions to the worlda€™s evils.At that time, my future husbanda€™s family was living in one of the colonies I was desperate to liberate from tyranny a€” Kenya.
Robina€™s mother, a physiotherapist,A  ran a clinic for local people; she also cherished her dairy herd. One morning she found all her animals lying in agony, their hind legs chopped by Mau Mau guerrillas. They may appear to triumph, but guilt and regret will always lurk somewhere in the dark recesses of their minds, springing up to surprise them when least expected. Ita€™s an entirely unreasonable response which shows no understanding of what your sons would feel to see you and a€?Shea€™ together. I dona€™t want to interfere but wonder if therea€™s anything I can do to broach the subject.LYNDALast week, I published aA  letter from a mother-in-law very worried that her daughter-in-law was unhappy in her marriage. Even if theya€™ve become fond of her (and I hope they have) and their half-sibling too, it would be far too demanding to ask them to cope with the edgy undercurrents of adult pain.Let them keep you and their young stepmother in separate compartments a€” for now. My reply expressed doubts about her ability to interfere, concluding that ultimately the daughter-in-law a€?must be responsible for her own destinya€™.
Robina€™s father lost almost everything and became a broken man.What would I have said had I known of such appalling things (continuing today in Mugabea€™s Zimbabwe)?
Thata€™s not to say it cana€™t be done a€” merely to warn you that those who step forward with wise counsel often have the door slammed in their faces.

Your letter is fascinating in that it raises the question of just how much responsibility we should feel towards others.
But three Kenyans, tortured during the Mau Mau uprising, have won the right to press legal claims against Britain. This difficult woman is neither a friend nor a relation, and it sounds as if she makes it hard to obey the Biblical commandment to a€?love thy neighbour as thyselfa€™. Ask him to examine his heart and do what is right.If he does as you ask, he will regain a little of the moral ground he abandoned, which will benefit him in the long term. And if you determine to drop that weight, youa€™ll be lightened a€” able to step forward into the beautiful new time you deserve. But some people are very hard to help.In the early years of this column, an older woman emailed because she felt isolated and friendless. Yet all around (especially on the web) shrieking voices assert their terrible convictions, fuelled by prejudice, hate and ignorance. One thing Ia€™m sure of: only quiet, pragmatic talking can save us, as it did 50 years ago. A very nasty email saying she didna€™t like any of my stupid suggestions, and Ia€™d made her a€?feel worsea€™.
You can open the door for some people, and still they will sit with their backs to the light, railing against their fate.Of course, therea€™s sometimes good reason. Your neighbour is probably doubly burdened by that old grief for her baby as well as guilt at leaving her marriage.
Add that to her tiredness, and shea€™s raging against her partner for multi-layered reasons. Perhaps youa€™ve done it already, but do some research and be armed with suggestions next time she pops around. In which case youa€™ll be in an excellent position to urge her to find someone professional to discuss all her issues.

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