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admin | How To Get A Ex Boyfriend Back | 15.08.2015
There are situations where we need to analyze our emotions and that cannot be done with them packed away.
So the first thing we need to do is to use symbols and lines to represent people and relationships. This may mean our parental home but it may also refer to grandparents, or wherever we grew up. This third picture will show the two spouses in question as the parents and their offspring as the children.
Each person in the family needs to be represented in the drawing and each person needs to have a relationship line connecting that person to every other person in the drawing.
In other words, if the line is a zig zag line on the left but a straight line on the right it would mean that the relationship started out rocky but became good later on. When a line flows from one generation (parents) to the next (children) the chronology flows from the top down.
For example, a straight line on top changing into a zig zag line lower down while changing to straught line yet again at the end means that the relationship started out well, became bad for a time, and then got good again. As we have said before, the advantage offered by the genogram is that once drawn we can see a big picture and discuss that picture.
In our example, genogram above, our attention will focus on the daughter because that is where the zig zag lines are. Since the genogram was about a family origin it must have been drawn by the living son or by the daughter. The father’s relationship with the daughter obviously had a different shaping effect on her that what it had on her brother.
The first and obvious set of questions would revolve around what caused the zig zag lines; what happened to cause them?
In this way, we will look at everything in the drawing and ask questions relating to it’s impact on us.
The best analysis is often done when the non-family spouse looks at the drawing and ask the questions.
Now the other spouse’s drawing is analyzed while the other spouse asks the questions. It is very important to vow that this analysis is done only to learn more of ourselves, of our spouses and how these influences shaped this new marriage relationship. Remember, although we automatically affect each other and while any relationship with anyone changes both parties involved to one extent or another, we cannot willfully change a spouse (who they are as a person) to achieve a specific outcome. Now both spouses’ genograms have been analyzed, it is time to think about how both drawing impact the current relationship. Let’s look at how different example genograms to enable us to discuss the possible impact on the current relationship. Now in their marriage he may very well sit back waiting for her to take the lead while she is also wondering while he does not take the lead.
Obviously, every family of origin with the same drawing (if that were possible) would not impact each person in the same way.
The wife’s genogram indicates that her brother had some issues with the rest of the family.
Both husband and wife come to their new relationship with a certain mindset regarding their own or their family’s issues.
More importantly, it is crucial to find out if the general topics of his issues are the same general topics of her issues. Now whenm we talk about issues we are not necessarily referring to him or her being the cause of these issues in the family of origin.
However, these issues still had an influence in us, and if you don’t mind me saying so, they still do. The secret is to use these genograms as a spring board for looking at ourselves from the outside.


You  may have a genogram that is simple, because you have a small family and, generally speaking, all went well.
Make note of the general topics that come up to see if they coincide with your spouse’s.
Now for the brave readers, how about taking a risk by asking your spouse if and how you make them feel what they felt back then?
If a spouse answers affirmatively to such a question, please do not deny it, that very act will reinforce the negative feeling. You may not be able to remove those feelings from your spouse, but you can change how you can interact on those topics. When it comes to these sensitive topics, we can ask if it will be okay before we undertake a certain course of action.
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You can't take charge and be the Connection Guardian if you don't know how to problem solve. So what does your family’s relationship with your fiance’s side have to with your marriage? You’ll be tempted to control when and where the meet will happen, but try to get your parents to call hers and arrange it between themselves. By the time their kids reach marrying age, most parents have become fairly set in their ways and may not find it as easy to accommodate new people who have a different way of doing things. You and your partner will have the responsibility of easing the two sides into conversation. You and your partner may disagree with each other on certain topics, but always try to appear as a united front whenever you’re around family.
Whatever closeness you are able to establish with your in-laws at this stage will really have a positive effect on their relationship with your family.
Emotions are welcomed back after a hard look at what we see and contemplating on what the picture means.
There are many such symbols in use but we will keep it simple and limit them to just a few.
Perhaps it would be best to start with a drawing representing the family of origin; the home in which we grew up.
If this marriage has been going on for some time, it may also be a good idea to draw a third picture representing the new family. Please note that none of the genograms in this booklet refers to real families; they are all fictious and for illustrative purposes only.
The middle son’s relationship with his sister started out good but then turned rocky about midway through. It is important to know who drew it because we want to establish how this picture shaped the person in question. We cannot focus on the answers she may give, because the daughter is not here to provide them.
Once the circumstances have been spelled out our attention would shift to the impact they may have had on the people involved. Of importance is how this harsh punishment has shaped the child’s (now adult) view of punishment. When the drawing is exhausted and yields nothing more to enquire about the roles are reversed.
This may lead to conflict as both husband and wife may wish to fulfill that role in their marriage. That is why we ask question rather than just looking at the picture devoid of any feedback.


Once we have established resonance with the analysis we can see how these things impact the current relationship. It is when his and her issues are on the same topic that we have a bigger problem on our hands.
In both his and her genograms we see that generally they both had good relationships with their respective families. But most of all, they may be helpful to see our responsibility for problems in our relationships. Others may have complicated genograms because of divorces and remarriages, which bring with them an extended family. We often find that we make our spouses feel these things because they are so sensitive to those feelings.
Rather than to defend our positions we should take extra care not to do what results in our spouse’s negative feelings. Nor may you transmit it or store it in any other website or other form of electronic retrieval system. Some people never learn this skill and others put it off until they're knee-deep in a relationship crisis.
This is important because both sets of parents need to begin a genuine relationship with each other at the earliest given opportunity, rather than through you. Explain that if they’re going to be a part of your married life then it will involve compromise.
Spend time discussing your family members with your fiance and think about what things they have in common. If you appear to want the same things, particularly with regard to the wedding, it will help create cohesion between the two sides. In South Asian culture it is the norm for the husband to keep a formal distance between him and his in-laws, but if you feel you want to establish a more intimate relationship form the start then let them know. You can sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labour as the parents join forces to usurp control of your future nuptials. We are based in London, UK and have an international audience though we cater primarily for the contemporary and high net worth UK Asian male demographic.
In fact all the relationships in this family were good except the ones with their daughter. Perhaps this special relationships was simply a means of escape from the brother’s troubles. Some families may have two dads or two moms because of second marriages so remember to include them in the genogram. If you reacted in the same way every time there is a pattern which may repeat itself in your marriage. We’ve all known of fairytale relationships ending bitterly thanks to a meddling parent or two. That way, when they meet, they will have established a basic rapport and the atmosphere will be a lot more relaxed. If you’re worried about your parents raising their eyebrows at the other side’s conduct, talk it through with them rather than demanding that they just keep a lid on it.
The same applies behind-the-scenes as well, for example, if you’ve asked your parents to avoid discussing the wedding at the first meeting then ensure she has requested the same thing from her parents too. Even if you do have the perfect family, introducing the two sets of parents can be a nerve-racking experience for even the most confident of couples.
Chances are they will also be a little bit nervous, and just as anxious to get through the meeting without any hiccups.



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Comments »

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