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admin | Getting An Ex Back | 01.11.2015
Recently I was talking with someone who was like a broken woman consumed with thoughts of her ex morning, noon, and night. No Contact is initially about not making or accepting contact, but it also provides the space to not only grieve the loss of the relationship, but to focus your energy elsewhere and begin rebuilding your life. Experience has taught me that the more you try not to think about something, is the more likely you are to, and then you’ll stress yourself further about the fact that you are in fact thinking about it and what you think thinking about it means, and then often react off the back of it. Back in October 2010, when I was told to cut out wheat in an effort to reduce tinnitus and vertigo, after initially thinking it was going to be fine and then discovering that wheat is in many things, I went on a serious moan-a-thon. After a while, mostly because I was wearing down my own last nerve and probably those of the boyf, I began putting effort into finding alternatives, discovering places to eat with varied menus, and making myself food that I enjoy. Yes I had to avoid wheat, but I was making my life about avoiding wheat instead of focusing on improving my health.
To go to the trouble of devoting your energies and attention to not thinking about someone and then obsessing about the fact that you’re thinking about them, is actually just another convoluted way of giving them more attention and remaining invested. 3) If you have thoughts but you’re still active in the conscious, life will happen to gradually replace them. One other thing that has helped me was to sit and make a list of any one who hurt me through my life. Yep that was me at one time, he was my only thought every waking moment of my life and it WAS exhausting, my head felt like a bee buzzing in it all the time. Yes I still think of him every so often but now a days the anxiety producing thoughts have been replaced with remembering the better years we had. I remember in the early weeks of him disappearing on me when I could not sleep until I became so exhausted I couldn’t get up on time for work, I had headaches due to over thinking and lack of sleep. On a positive note each day I think less and I think about different things in different ways. With me, the amount of time appears to be inversely proportional to the time spent getting over them.
We replay and replay the relationship, looking for clues that we meant something to him, that he really is a nice guy under it all, he didn’t know what he was doing etc etc. I get it, it took me decades to accept that the way I was treated by my mother was cruel and abusive.
When you are stuck, sometimes the only way forward is to accept what you really don’t want to accept.
He was a very subtle person, with perfect manners, and there wasnt any obvious outrageous behaviour. All this to say, one year later I RARELY think of him and when I do, I feel a great sense of relief that it is over. Sympathy, though, dreams are the worst ever – they are the unkindest and most unhelpful thing that my body has ever done to me and I seriously fell out with my subconscious at various points because I couldn’t believe it could be so MEAN!!!


Natalie, this is amazing that this came in just today when I had such a bad day after feeling that I had been doing better than expected.I wondered why suddenly today I felt so bad and it was so reassuring to read in your article that that does not mean I am going backwards but is a way the brain is processing.
What does help me is to plan out things to do in my free time., and I like to remind myself at end of day the things that I accomplished during the day and that makes me feel good because I am assuring myself that I did not have a lonely depressed do-nothing day. In the mornings when I drive to work I like to say aloud the many things that I am thankful for… makes me feel good. It came to a point where it was almost impossible to focus on doing anything, which was sapping all my energy. I eventually bought an iPod music player and started listening to music all day to override my thoughts and squeeze out the silence which facilitated this mega-over-thinking and analysing the crapola out of everything. I’ve been involved with unavailables before, but this was my first assclown and hopefully my last! When it comes to breaking up, we're usually of the opinion that the person doing the dumping should at least have the decency to do it in person.
But the breakup texts in the slides below are so funny, we may have to reconsider our stance. Tell us which breakup text is the best (and by "best" we really mean most awful) in the comments, then click through the slideshow below for 15 hilarious autocorrect fails from Damn You Autocorrects.
What it isn’t, is cutting contact and then sitting around trying to not have anymore thoughts about them. As I’d felt the health benefits after a week (seriously), tempting as it was to, for example, snaffle down a mince pie, I accepted that uncomfortable as it had been, overall I felt happier and better. It’s also part of the grieving and healing process to feel your feelings and process your thoughts so that you can draw conclusions, accept and move on.
Equally, I found that I made great strides in being happy when I stopped making my life about maintaining NC and instead made it about having a better life…while keeping my ex at bay.
If a thought pops into your head, for all you know, it’s just your unconscious processing away and throwing something out. Baggage Reclaim is a guide to learning to live and love with self-esteem by breaking the patterns that stand in your way.
I may have a moment here and there due to something I read, or a song I hear, but its only now moments out of my day.
This helped me take responsibility for my actions and not fall into victim mode, I was also grieving the loss as you (Natalie) talk about and was doing pretty well but not as well as I thought as the AC managed to worm his way back into my life and affections after about 3 months only to drop me from a great height and move on swiftly to another er victim, I mean lady! For many months serious brain wattage was being burned up, and I thought it would never end. I had a bonafide LTR, title and everything that was just fantastic to be in, and our breakup was the best break up ever! So much damage was done, my sense of self and self esteem was reduced to ashes and I needed to start again from scratch.


Its hard to lose the one you love, for me it was like a death and I needed to grieve as I would the death of any loved one. What positives can you say to yourself to affirm the decisions and actions you’re undertaking? It would be better to focus on returning to what you were being and doing before the panic arrived. Whether it’s figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, I’m here to help you guide you. It didn’t work out but that is no reason to deny its exsistance or not to remember the good times.
This evening I was feeling fed up because even though I will never try and make contact with him I still think about him everyday. It saddens me sometimes because we only dated for 2 months but I was caught up in such a whirlwind of extreme highs to an almighty low and to be still thinking about someone for this length of time considering the actual time we spent together is too long in my opinion. Then I had to get over the fact that before, during and after me they were sleeping around!
I’m so glad I found BR because it would have taken 10x longer to get over it without BR.
It helps to read this because often all of the combined thoughts of saddness, anger, confusion, frusteration, longing, (longing for answers, for comfort, for revenge) it all gets so hard to deal with at once. I have been doing better during the day, and working on not talking about him to friends (to bring down the power I give him). It has been nearly three months since he disappeared without any explanation and I just keep thinking about him and the whole situation. Unless you’re living in on another planet, even after a few minutes, you should become aware of the passage of time.
I keep asking myself why is it that in the past I have dated and had relationships and have been able to get over them easily in a short space of time and move on?
Whether you recognise that you’re going off on a thinking track after one or twenty thoughts, pull yourself back to reality instead of saying “Ah shag it!
I will try not to use it as an excuse to dwell longer, because I’m just oh so good at that uncomfortable comfort zone, but again, thanks for being able to put it down on paper so well.



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