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admin | How To Get Your Guy Back | 12.06.2014
As a woman you continually searched inside yourself for the reasons behind your relationship problems. A narcissist wears a colorful mask in an attempt to hide the ugly cracks that lie hidden underneath it. A bitch is just sensitivity and sweetness wearing stilettos and lip gloss and refusing to feel broken anymore. Don't try to fix a broken relationship from the past when you can create a so much better one in the present.
The difference between being a bitter person and a better person is that one lives in the past and the other one lives in the future. Read some great quotes about narcissist and narcissism for those who have been in a relationship with one. More break up quotes, sad love sayings and broken heart inspirations can be found at these websites: DailyBreakupInspirations, Tigress Luv Sad Breakup Quotes, and on our facebook pages! Print PDFWe’ve enjoyed reading the Kindle Best Seller, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care by author and advocate Shahida Arabi.
Her social media presence and blogs are an informative tribute empowering women of all ages and stages of recovery.
They are highly inter-personally exploitative and manipulative, prone to using people for their own personal gain or agenda. I was actually taking a graduate-level Adult Personality and Psychopathology class when I first learned the DSM definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder – yet I still had no idea I was at the time with a narcissistic abuser. The narcissistic abuser can lead survivors to feel depressed, suicidal, anxious, constantly on edge and worthless. If your partner displays these types of toxic behaviors, at the very least, they are emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive. It will offer tools to begin to detach and heal from the narcissist or the narcissists we’ve encountered throughout our lifetime, especially if we have a pattern of being with more than one narcissistic partner.I wanted to write this book to bridge the gap between the scientific research on this disorder and survivor accounts by incorporating the work of psychologists, popular bloggers and authors on the topic of narcissism, my personal experiences as well as thousands of survivor accounts and feedback I’ve gotten from my coaching program, surveys, as well as on my blog and social media platforms. It is my hope that this book will help survivors transcend the abuse they’ve experienced, channel their experiences into the greater good and become advocates for their own self-care.How does a person become narcissistic?There are many different theories as to how a person develops this disorder. This is because the narcissistic child is overvalued as “perfect” and this type of feedback is not balanced with realistic feedback.There is also a biological and neurological standpoint that focuses mainly on how a narcissist’s brain has structural abnormalities related to compassion (Schulze et. Narcissists may have suffered something traumatic when they were a child – perhaps an over-idealization by an adult that made them want to remain like a child forever without any consequences, or devaluation and neglect. Or, they may be born with the disorder.While each theory is compelling, clinicians are not absolutely certain as to what causes NPD.
In my opinion, psychopathology is often caused by an interaction between biological predisposition and environment. There are also multicultural components which can make certain disorders more likely than others in certain countries or manifest differently across various contexts. The interactions between environment and biological predisposition can act as a protective factor or risk factor to prevent or exacerbate certain disorders in individuals who do have a biological predisposition. If you enter a relationship with a narcissist, beware: the false self is often so charming and so different from the true self that you may fall prey to a vicious cycle of narcissistic abuse that can be very difficult to extricate yourself from. A relationship with a narcissist often contains some degree of psychological, emotional and in some cases, physical and sexual violence depending on where the narcissistic person falls on the spectrum.Why do we gravitate towards narcissists?
Is there such a thing as chronic victimization – a person who can have relationships with multiple narcissists and be primed to get into yet another one? How do we prevent that pattern?We are drawn to narcissists because they tend to be charismatic and charming.
Their false self is usually constructed of the very traits and characteristics we’ve been longing for – the love, validation and respect we may have longed for in our childhood but never received. A recent study by Haslam and Montrose (2015) showed that women who are looking for a marital partner, even if they had previous experience with narcissistic types, actually preferred narcissistic partners over non-narcissistic ones.
Narcissists deliberately mirror and mimic our deepest desires and values, which makes them incredibly convincing and tempting to us. By that time, their hot and cold tactics (also known as intermittent reinforcement) begin to take hold of us, creating psychological and biochemical bonds that inevitably keep us attached.Unfortunately, many of us can be “primed” for narcissistic abuse due to the subconscious programming instilled in us from childhood – this can cause victimization by multiple narcissists throughout our lifetime, starting with experiencing narcissistic abuse in childhood. Research shows that those who witness domestic violence are more likely to become victims or perpetrators themselves.
Bruce Lipton talks about subconscious programming in his book The Biology of Belief (2007), in which he discusses an incredible study where a fetus on a sonogram began visibly responding to a fight between father and mother. Imagine how traumatizing it must be for a child, if the only models of love they receive in their childhood, are models based on codependency (or as Ross Rosenberg calls it, Self-Love Deficit Disorder), abuse and disrespect. Trauma can have a significant impact on early brain development, interpersonal effectiveness and emotional regulation.A large majority of our behavior is subconsciously driven – which means we ourselves may not even know the reasons for why we’re addicted to the narcissist until we dig deeper into trauma from adolescence, childhood or even adulthood – trauma can happen at any time but most especially, it can rewire our brain significantly in childhood. If we’ve witnessed domestic violence or experienced any type of abuse or bullying that traumatized us, we are more susceptible to becoming attached to narcissistic partners in the attempt to resolve the trauma – this is what Dr. Gary Reece calls “trauma repetition” or “trauma reenactment.”For those of us who have a pattern of being with multiple narcissistic partners throughout our lifetime, it’s important for us to look at the root of the original trauma – whether it was in childhood, adolescence or even young adulthood.
Being with multiple narcissists is what I call “trauma upon trauma.” We hide one trauma with another – we go from one narcissist straight into the arms of another – which makes it very difficult to step back and break the pattern, because we don’t cease the pattern long enough to reevaluate and disrupt it.Why do people stay so long in abusive relationships with narcissistic or antisocial personalities?


Are victims to blame for narcissistic abuse?I talk about this topic at length in my upcoming book on narcissism. There are many reasons why they stay longer than they should and each victim has his or her own unique circumstances.
Intermittent reinforcement of positive behaviors dispersed throughout the abuse cycle (e.g. Susan Carnell notes that intermittent reinforcement of rewards actually enables dopamine to flow more readily, which strengthens the reward circuit associated with this toxic relationship in our brain.Then we have our sexual relationship with the narcissistic partner, often described by survivors as one of the most intense and sexually charged experiences of their lives. Narcissists mirror our deepest sexual and emotional desires, which makes for an electrifying sexual chemistry with them. Oxytocin is released whenever we physically interact with our abuser, promoting attachment and trust.
This is the same “love” hormone that bonds mother and child at birth, ensuring that we “bond” with the abuser even after experiencing incidents of abuse.
In fact, narcissistic abusers tend to merge abusive incidents with displays of affection and seduction precisely to create this sort of chaos in our bodies and minds.At this time, the cortisol levels in our body are going haywire due to the stress from the abuse, trapping chronic stress within our bodies. Trauma bonding is a psychological defense mechanism that allows us to withstand severe abuse and reconcile our cognitive dissonance about who the abuser pretended to be in the beginning of the relationship versus who he or she really is.Furthermore, there are also practical reasons why victims do not leave abusive relationships. Insensitive friends and family members may shame abuse victims, asking them why they didn’t leave sooner and inquiring what they did to provoke the abuse.Those closest to abuse survivors may question the abuse victim’s accounts of the abuse because they only see the false, charming self of the abuser, not realizing that abuse often takes place behind closed doors so that the abuser can escape accountability.
This type of emotional invalidation leads the victim to doubt his or her perceptions of the abuse and stay within the relationship to try to make it work. Victims feel so alienated from those who supposedly love and care for them that their sense of learned helplessness is reinforced – they feel as if they are unable to escape the abusive relationship and rebuild a better life because there is no one who understand their situation. That’s why it’s my mission to challenge this victim-blaming discourse in society so we can continue to dismantle the stereotypes and myths about abuse survivors and support them in their journey to healing.Is there a difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and another cluster B disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder?This is a very important question, as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) have often been used interchangeably among survivors.
Many people on my blog or YouTube channel share their story of a BPD partner, believing that narcissism and BPD are one and the same. It is actually Antisocial Personality Disorder that is closer to Narcissistic Personality Disorder than Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course, abuse is still abuse regardless of the specific disorder, if any, a partner may have. However, I find it helpful to distinguish between the two so that survivors who are dealing with a BPD partner can better contextualize their experiences because it can be different than being with an NPD partner. BPD and NPD are both cluster B disorders with many overlapping symptoms including interpersonal manipulation, a chronic sense of emptiness, a need for external validation and inappropriate displays of intense emotions such as rage. However, one thing they differ on is the degree of empathy they can experience as well as their motivation for the way they behave interpersonally. BPD people, because they struggle with such overwhelming emotions, are capable of empathizing with the emotions of others more so than people with NPD. In fact, research shows that BPD individuals are actually more discriminating of mental states than people without BPD. BPD individuals have difficult relationships with others for different reasons than NPD individuals.
Individuals with BPD are more likely to fear abandonment, while narcissistic individuals are more likely to initiate abandonment, especially in the “discard” phase of their relationships. While narcissists often get a rush out of provoking their victims and harming them emotionally, which gives them “narcissistic supply” in the form of negative attention, BPD people are more likely to be emotionally manipulative because of their overwhelming fear of abandonment as well as chronic sense of emptiness and loneliness. Theoretically, then, borderlines are more likely to be the victims of abusers – some of them may have even been raised by narcissistic parents – and later re-victimized because they are codependent and susceptible to emotional manipulation due to their need for validation from others. They feel emotions on an intense level, whereas narcissists often only feel intense emotions like rage due to narcissistic injury or a loss of supply. The majority of narcissists do not feel the need to change their behavior because it rewards them. They want to protect the image of their false self – not just from others but also from themselves.
I believe that therapy by a professional trained and knowledgeable about this type of abuse can be incredibly helpful to abuse survivors – in fact, support from someone who understands this type of abuse is necessary to recovery and healing.
Many survivors can benefit from sharing their story with another survivor who has been through similar experiences in addition to seeking therapy from a trained professional.Whether a narcissistic partner can benefit from treatment in couple’s therapy is also highly dubious.
The narcissist can use the therapy space as a site of triangulation and the false self to regain control, engaging in heavy impression management. Since they are clever wolves in sheep’s clothing, it can be hard even as a mental health practitioner to assess the true motivations of the narcissist unless he or she has already been diagnosed.
They may simply tell their therapists what they want to hear rather than having a genuine interest in improvement, and this can further invalidate the abuse victim’s experience.I believe that instead of focusing on trying to cure the narcissist, we must practice enough self-love and awareness to assess how to detach from one and move forward with our lives. Focusing on our own healing brings us to a healthier and more positive place and enables us to see that we do deserve better.What tools can I use to detach and heal from a narcissist? Healing is a lifelong journey and what I hope survivors know is that each journey is unique depending on the survivor and his or her circumstances. The tools one survivor needs may not be the same tools another survivor needs.Detaching and healing from the narcissist begins when we begin to arm ourselves with more knowledge about narcissistic abuse and antisocial personalities.


Even if we stay and prolong the relationship, the more we educate ourselves about narcissistic abuse, the more knowledge we’ll have to stay centered and in control when encountering the tactics they use on us. Ultimately, we will find this type of toxic relationship unsustainable.In order to begin to heal after the ending of the relationship, I recommend at least 90 days of No Contact (or Low Contact, if you are in circumstances where it is impossible to sever all ties with the narcissist, such as in the case of having children with them) – the same amount of time recommended for drug addicts in rehab. Our addiction to toxic partner is in fact like a drug addiction – while we may have many relapses, once we know our partner is a narcissist, there is no going back.
Survivors can also try from other forms of healing such as Reiki healing, positive affirmations, acupuncture, aromatherapy, EDMR therapy as well as NLP to tackle the wounds that originate in early childhood trauma.Find a combination of methods that work for you and make you feel emotionally safe.
Many of my readers began their own YouTube channels, blogs and wrote their own books on their narcissistic abuse experience, which has helped them to heal tremendously – this is what I did as well and I can say it’s been one of the most rewarding parts of my journey, helping other survivors to heal.
Regaining your voice after this type of abuse and raising awareness for a cause dear and near to your heart is incredibly healing and cathartic.
It allows us to transform our experiences into portals of healing for other survivors.It is my hope that all abuse survivors eventually are able to leave their abusive relationship – but part of my work is also to expose how difficult it is to extricate yourself from such a relationship.
So it’s important to balance self-compassion with self-love at this time – you may have to make smaller steps before you make the big step.Why do Narcissists come back and try to contact you even after the relationship has ended?Many abusers stalk their victims months, even years after, especially if the victims left them first or if they see that their victims are moving forward with their lives. Also known as “hoovering,” (named after the hoover vacuum) this is a way to manipulate or “suck you” back into the trauma of the relationship.
If the narcissist tries to provoke you or win you back by calling or texting you, instead of responding, engage in a different pleasurable activity – go for a run to release endorphins, soak in a relaxing bubble bath, text a friend who knows about your situation – do whatever is possible to be as unresponsive as possible while engaging in a form of self-care. While relapse can be inevitable in the addiction to the narcissist, it is possible to get your life back after narcissistic abuse.
You just have to be committed to recovery no matter what happens.What if the narcissist is the one who is “addicted” to something – is there a difference between a substance abuser who is emotionally abusive when using and a narcissistic abuser? You may have met narcissistic partners who used alcohol or drugs as an excuse to engage in verbal and psychological abuse. I want to stress that there are people with legitimate addictions to alcohol and they need help, support and compassion. However, I believe there is a difference between an alcoholic who has become dependent on his or her addiction and a narcissistic abuser who uses alcohol as a means to abuse and escape accountability – this means that their substance use is co-morbid and co-exists with their narcissism. Those who abuse alcohol and abuse others are often the ones who are using their addiction as an excuse to hurt others without having to be held accountable for the abuse they dish out while under the influence.The truth of the matter is, curing a narcissist of his or her addiction will not cure his or her lack of empathy. Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (2013) worked with many abusive partners who still made conscious decisions while abusing substances. Their abusive behavior also continued outside of their substance abuse, even if it was in more covert and subtle ways.Narcissists can abuse drugs in order to fill the void and perpetual boredom and numbness they feel.
It is not a distinction that’s discussed often enough, but the overlap between substance abuse and narcissism must be discussed because victims may stay in relationships with narcissists if they are addicted to something, believing that if they help the narcissist cure his or her addiction, they will help to resolve the abuse.What should survivors do with their experiences of narcissistic abuse? It is important that survivors take advantage of all of the wisdom that this type of experience has to offer them, because it has the potential to unravel their lives and identity in unexpected ways. Meeting a narcissist can be a way to identify and heal wounds from the past as well as any self-sabotaging subconscious programming that’s holding you back from the happy, healthy life you truly deserve and are worthy of.Many survivors reach out to me to tell me that they met the love of their lives after narcissistic abuse, while others are still searching but leading a healthier life without their narcissistic partners. Both are ideal outcomes – and far better outcomes than staying with a toxic partner the rest of their lives. While I can’t guarantee that you’ll meet the love of your life immediately after experiencing this type of abuse (in fact, it’s advised to take a long hiatus from relationships while healing as emotional predators are always on the lookout for vulnerability after a breakup), what I can guarantee all survivors is that they are all worthy and deserving of healthy, emotionally safe love as well as self-love and self-compassion.Educate yourself as much as you can about this type of abuse. Write about it, blog about, speak about it – raise awareness about this type of abuse in society so that emotional abuse is taken more seriously. Narcissistic abuse is just one segment of a larger problem in society where bullying and a lack of empathy are growing in our population.
It is up to us, as teachers, authors, advocates, psychologists, survivors, friends, family members, parents – whoever we may be and whatever roles we may play, to influence society in such a way that we are able to prevent the rising lack of empathy in society. Sharing your story will also change your own life – it will help you to regain the voice you lost when you were abused. After this experience, make the commitment to become a self-care warrior – someone who is an advocate for his or her own recovery and victory.Shahida Arabi is the author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care, a bestselling Kindle book also available in print. She graduated summa cum laude with a Master’s degree from Columbia University where she studied the effects of bullying across the life-course trajectory. As an undergraduate student at NYU, Shahida also studied English Literature and Psychology and was President of its National Organization for Women (NOW) chapter. She is the founder and editor of the blog, Self-Care Haven, which has over 1.6 million views and has been shared worldwide in all 196 countries. Her writing has been featured on MOGUL, Yoganonymous, Elephant Journal, Dollhouse Magazine, The West 4th Street Review, Thought Catalog, the Feministing Community blog, author Lisa E.




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