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admin | I Want My Ex Back Now | 26.12.2013
All Alessandro de Lucci wants from his wife is a son but after a year and a half of unhappiness and disillusionment, all Theresa de Lucci wants from her ice cold husband is a divorce.
Share Tweet Pin +1The overwhelming sense of loss that accompanies a crumbling marriage is nearly impossible to describe. First, putting aside for a moment any religious or family expectations, you need to ask yourself if you really want him back?
We all carry with us destructive habits, behaviors, or baggage that can infect a relationship. That said, now is NOT the time to start listing for your straying husband all his faults you think HE needs to work on. Find little things that you can agree on to help forge those connections, and then build upon them. If you have kids, then this presents a lot of opportunity find commonality, but you can also connect over a number of other areas as well.
When the time comes to communicate, don’t just schedule a sit-down with the purpose of talking about your relationship. They are afraid of looking weak, and they may also have their buddies, family members or perhaps a love interest advising them that nothing will ever change, and going back is a bad idea.
Like connecting, cooperating together toward a common goal is critical in reminding him of the many positives in your relationship. Couples who cooperate and support each other build strong foundations that make it difficult for either to leave the relationship. We do not know each other personally, but I am more affected than I should be by the relationship problems of others. Though I have no idea who you are, my stomach was in knots and my head began to throb with pain. In the moments I was able to climb out of the trappings of my own thoughts, I would lock eyes with Tony and say, “Not us, right? I’m still learning what it takes to be a good friend in these devastating situations. Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how emotional cheating corresponds to physical cheating, actually. Again, you have your right to speak your opinion, and I choose to respect all opinions, whether they are in agreement of mine or not.
Michelle, reading your comment, I understand where you are coming from but I also agree with Christa & Teresa. I would agree that, as you share your heart, it is so important to chose your words very carefully. Every marriage consists of two flawed people that need grace, redemption, and understanding to battle through all of the obstacles that inevitably come with marriage.
It is one thing to suggest that each person in a marriage is equally responsible for carrying their weight and working hard to do their part. There is (1) creating a situation for something to take place, and then (2) there is the something. First off, I am not here to defend Michelle… she’s a big girl and doesn’t need anyone to do that. I think Michelle said, “I am not saying that your husband who strayed is not at fault.
You can believe what you want to, and continue to play the completely innocent victim role all you want…but until you learn to accept your part in this situation, it will continue to occur again and again. As a person who’s made the enormous mistake of straying, I can say with confidence that the deficiencies in my own character were the *cause* of my affair. Before my husband’s affair, I was not doing and being everything I should have been as a wife. I contributed to an unhealthy marriage situation by holding super high expectations of us as a couple, and my husband felt he could never meet them.
The story has a joyful turn of healing, redemption and a new marriage with a wonderful man I respect the socks off of.
Being married to someone gives you a profoundly influential role in affecting their environment. People who are sex addicts make poor decisions whether they are in a happy or unhappy environment. Your response is just perfect.Yes the anger is there for me very much so and it is not a black and white situation and certainly not my fault which has taken me and is still taking me time to fully accept. As the betrayed spouse, I know first hand that after the after is discovered or revealed, Satan then begins to work on betrayed spouse.
I woke up again this morning, thinking about this post a little more in relation to the other posts I have read on your blog. Literally, the only good thing about this blog post is reading the supportive comments of fellow victims and Carl, whom I appreciate very much. Blaming the victim of an affair retraumtizes the victim like any other abuse (child abuse, rape, victim of spousal abuse-which cheating is, etc). Unfortunate timing, since Theresa is about to discover that she’s finally pregnant and Alessandro is about to discover that he isn’t willing to lose Theresa.
It’s so much more than just the loss of love and companionship, but also the loss of trust and respect, an abdication of dreams held close. The couple that everyone talks about: married sixty years, devoted until the end, surrounded by loving children and grandchildren. Perhaps they don’t feel like they love their spouse anymore, or they feel they are missing something in the relationship. While you are not the entire cause of the failure in the relationship, now is the time to work on those areas that have contributed to the vicious cycle you have been on.
It’s very common for people to leave a marriage and remarry, only to find the same issues coming back around to bite them. Again, this is not the time to pepper him with your list of things to fix the relationship. If you take it slow, building up your connections and let the communication naturally evolve, he may start to wonder why he made the decision to leave in the first place.
And if you struggled in this area prior to the break-up, hopefully the work you did to reflect and eliminate your own destructive habits may help him see a new side of you, to see the work you have done to improve yourself, and recognize improvements he may need to make in himself.
Again, if you have children, you have some built-in areas where you can build cooperation between the two of you, but you can also look for other areas.


It’s not about going back to the old relationship, but forging a new one, based on the new connections you have build and work you have done to eliminate destructive cycles. If that is the case, at least you have done the work on yourself to help ensure that your next relationship isn’t prone to the same pitfalls as this one. If this man, and this relationship is worth fighting for, then they are worth the effort and the patience. I got an email this week from you, a woman I don’t know, sharing with me that you recently found out your husband has been unfaithful.
It was supposed to be a family day, but my mind was too full with thoughts and questions and frustrations to engage with my husband and kids. I’ve had the opportunity countless times to be a listening ear to the one who was betrayed. If not for the sake of your own marriage, please, for the sake of mine, let’s continue to build a community of faithfulness and #staymarried. I am absolutely responsible for how bad our marriage was, which led to both of us feeling horribly miserable and lost as to how dig our way out. What he did was horrible, I didn’t mean to suggest it was your fault and I am so sorry my words felt that way to you. Cheating is atrocious & I feel the exact same pain you described every time I hear a story about it! Yours is not, and I respect yours, which is why I was not harsh in my comment leaving my own. Having survived an affair that my husband took part in, I know all to well what it means to be the victim of adultery. Victims of adultery have enough of a mental battle to fight without people insinuating that they are somehow to blame for the situation they find themselves in.
But it is ludicrous to suggest that an affair happens because the perpetrator isn’t being fulfilled or satisfied by their partner. Playing the victim may help you sleep at night, but it doesn’t prevent you from becoming the victim again. And your opinion is one that perpetuates a cycle of men cheating on their spouses and feeling like its ok because their wife wasn’t good enough. I actually agree with most of what was said but I don’t think you go through a situation such as what this woman is going through and NOT question what part you played in where the marriage got off track. I love that you don’t sugarcoat the hardships of marriage and that you address tough subjects.
I begged and pleaded for the truth, but even in the face of concrete evidence of infidelity, my spouse denied the truth. I reasoned that my spouse was working hard and I was 9 months pregnant, so my spouse must feel stress anxiety. I love your blog because you encourage the best In individuals who are in marriage relationships.
Your lines of questioning are not questions, they are judgements and therefore not edifying. And believe me, it’s a shameful to be the noncheating spouse as it is to be the one who got to have fun cheating. Seek the aid of a marriage coach if needed, but if your marriage is going to succeed, then you must find and eliminate destructive behaviors.
In some ways, you are starting over in finding those connections, the commonalities that attracted you to one another. If you try to dive right into communication, it’s going to just look like desperation.
When did you decide that friendship with the one you married was no longer worth the effort? Clearly he is and his actions cause pain that is devastating to you and everyone around him. But, if YOU are the one thinking of cheating, if there is someone outside of your marriage that you’re flirting with and daydreaming about, STOP IT! But, you don’t go from being happily married and loving your spouse to cheating on them all in the same day. Every decision from secret keeping to confiding in someone outside of your marriage is a chance to see that you’re heading in the direction you really don’t want to go.
If you are not thinking of cheating, chances are pretty good that you know someone who is or someone who has been cheated on.
But my husband made the choice to cheat, and I am in no way to blame for his choice and resent being told otherwise. I have Satan whispering those lies in my head all the time and to read them in print makes them that much harder to fight off. A man can be swayed by marital issues, financial frustrations, upbringing, porn addiction, and so many other factors.
Why worry about peripheral issues when most marriages don’t make it past that initial phase?
I think that a wife is totally responsible for her role in the marriage and needs to do her part to ensure her marriage is healthy. Ultimately though, if you want a different result in your life, it’s up to YOU to stop doing the same things that got you the old results. Anybody can write a blog I suppose, but i do think it comes with some reaponsibilty i guess. I sat through two marital therapy sessions with two different therapists trying to figure out why while he sat quietly knowing the entire time that he had another life. If he already has one foot out the door, he’ll quickly step all the way out to avoid dealing with your emotional crises.
Role play with a friend if you need to do, but do whatever it takes to ensure that any interaction with him is mature and emotionally stable.
But for now, give yourself this time to work on you, and become the strongest, most confident you can be. This process takes time and effort, and it will take enormous strength and restraint on your part. You are hurting and searching for relief from your pain, someone to confide in, someone who might be able to comfort. But, in my heart I wonder how long you may have allowed yourself to be disconnected from your spouse before the affair took place.
I promise you, the thrill you may experience with someone new will quickly be replaced with stress and shame as you work to hide what you’re doing.


I follow your blog, and many others that provide positive inspiration for a healthy and happy marriage; as my husband and I work to re-build our marriage from the ground up. When I am devastated, my thoughts and words get darker and darker, that’s the reality of who I am. You have a right to your opinions and as you said, you had a feeling your opinion on this topic would not gain you more friends. Where adultery is concerned, the perpetrator is *always* 100% to blame for committing that heinous act. But, in my observation of talking with countless fallen men, the greatest faults lie in the man himself.
Why bother to place some small portions of blame elsewhere when most men can’t overcome their flesh, baggage, and pride in the first place?
Most people here have read or seen our story, and through the counseling we went through, there was never any way that my counselor, nor Katie’s, would have asked her to question her role in my actions during the darkest hours. I appreciate that you acknowledge not being an expert or a professional or having experienced this. I need to hear the words because, after reading your email, the confidence I usually have in our marriage is being shaken. Did you marry a person who was trustworthy in the first place, or someone you hoped would somehow become trustworthy?
When someone has made the mistake of straying from their marriage, I want them to know what it feels like to experience grace and forgiveness and not allow such a mistake to define the rest of their lives. When your leg is hurting, do you ignore it and let it get worse or do you do something about it? While it takes two to enter into marriage I have learned first-hand that it takes only one to end it. But I do wish that like your other posts, you would have referred to some experts in the topic (Shirley glass?
But you have to be sure that this marriage, and this person who left you, is really worth the fight. But if he is already nurturing feelings for someone else, or enjoying his new-found freedom, he won’t want to risk losing these things in order to jump back into the emotional turmoil.
What crushes me, however, is not that you have been the victim of the worst kind of betrayal, but that people in your situation often believe you are completely blameless. 30% of divorced women say that they knew their marriage was doomed the day they walked down the aisle! If you have kids, they will find out what you have done and will struggle for the rest of their lives not only to trust you, but to trust in love and relationships at all.
How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal that there’s a series of events that can often be identified before the cheating actually occurs.
When someone confesses to me that the person they’ve been seeing is actually married to someone else, I’m crushed and angry.
I struggle to remember that I was not the one betrayed because the pain feels so real to me. It just means that, in the specific situation at hand, the one that committed the sin is the only one at fault for having the affair. If you are not on the level with your spouse such that you know when they are hurting, then you shouldn’t have married them.
The woman who chose to cheat with the spouse needs to be loved, as hard as that is to understand to many of us christian’s especially those that can identify with the betrayed spouse. You have grossly underestimated Satan’s ability to undermine, tempt, and steal the heart of a spouse away from their partner. He takes the time to reassure me and not make me feel like I am being ridiculous – which I clearly am. The ripple effect of acting on a flirtation could be felt for generations, even if you and your spouse are able to recover and stay together.
Still, even then, I want them to know they are loved and that I understand how these terrible decisions can be so easily made.
If the cheatER bothered to do that, to care enough to dig and find a way with their spouse, they probably would’ve either 1. If you ignore a part of your body that is hurting, you cannot expect the rest of the body to not be negatively impacted. How devastated I was to learn this and know that it would have remained hidden had I never found out.
Sadly, though, you will likely receive compassion from your community and your husband will surely be shunned.
Have we glorified the wedding day so much that we aren’t giving men and women room to admit they’ve made a mistake in whom they chose before they actually commit the rest of their lives? Still, I aim to surround myself with friends who value their own marriage and who will encourage me to value mine. I believe this woman’s anger and hurt is justified, she needs to embrace it in order to move forward.
I believe this post was well intended but should have been a private response to the woman. There is never an excuse for cheating, and that includes the cheatee doing anything to contribute.
I hope this woman takes the good, throws out the misdirected comments, and focuses her efforts on those that have her best interests at heart and repairing her marriage.
Affairs are a symptom of something terribly wrong inside of the person that is having the affair.
If your spouse, being one with you, makes the decision to cheat, then that means that you made the decision to cheat. I could not walk away and instead and making the best of having a 2 year old in my life that I didn’t give birth too.
His mother knew she was sleeping with a married man just like my husband knew what he was doing. Not them finding the solutions and fixing them and then trying to move on, repair things and help their spouse heal.



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Comments »

  1. Raufxacmazli — 26.12.2013 at 15:28:54 Are trying to get her again.
  2. BOB_sincler — 26.12.2013 at 18:48:25 Saying what I had stated above all the things into.