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admin | How To Get Even With Your Ex | 09.07.2015
This question originally appeared on Quora, the knowledge-sharing network where compelling questions are answered by people with unique insights. I'm going to say something that may surprise people who have followed things I've said about tattoos in the past: I regret some of my ink, and that sucks.
The second thing I regret is that I didn't have the will to communicate effectively what I wanted. If I had a pound for every person who has gotten in touch with me because of regrets they feel about a parent or lover who was addicted to something or unhealthy in some other way who has then gone on to have a relationship with someone similar who they attempt to fix their problems and right the wrongs of the past with, I’d be probably be typing this on a private beach somewhere.
The more you meddle, the more regret you clock up, the more you resist the reality that the past is done and that if you want to truly improve anything, it’s about living your life well now, not trying to do live versions of Quantum Leap. A friend was telling me about how there was a problem on a work project and they advised the coworker who was investigating the issue to take an overall look before latching onto the first idea that sprang to mind.
Regret is often latching onto this idea that what you feel regretful about was the determining factor for the outcome. Regret hangovers grow in size when you feed them with a cocktail of blame, shame, guilt and obsessing followed by doing stuff off the back of these feelings in an attempt to prevent what you perceive as an unfavourable outcome, only to open you up to further pain. Whatever you wish you’d done differently, use it to grow and learn from the insights gained. You have to choose to be done and you also have to forgive you for where you’ve erred. It was then I joined the dots – that I cannot better the past and I needed to stop trying. But then again, if it did turn out the way I fought so hard for, in reality, I would be sitting here writing to you about the regrets I have for not knowing better and getting blindsided by a master future faker, gaslighting, assclown and ruining my whole life by trusting him and allowing myself to get caught up in the whole scenario. Without you Natalie and your amazing posts, I would not be working towards healing my self worth, looking inside myself instead of outside for the answers. WIth that being said – I have felt more stuck than previously and I begin to tell myself that it was my fault with the AC and had I just done it by his terms I would have someone there for me and his life is great and he’s moving on and I am stuck!! Yep, he strung me along for two years, used me for attention, when all the while he was involved with someone else and claimed to be alone. I will declare; not only am I not sorry for breaking nc, but furthermore I am glad that I broke nc because it really did clarify what I always suspected about them.
I came to the realisation many years ago that my regrets stupidly revolved around magical wishes. Yeah, pretty much exactly right.And we have all not always been tactful either but you know what?
I think the only regrets that many of us have, is the feeling of disillusionment when you find out that someone is not as they seem; yeah disappointing. I hope to eventually get to where you are, where you’ve come to accept the facts as it is and just keep looking ahead. May 3, 2016 By New Life 1 Comment I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking  in the truth. When you dare to see the truth and accept responsibility for your life, you may feel sad and ashamed. This book shows us how many of our troubles are a direct consequence of our irresponsibility. With the help of Zephaniah and King Josiah the people confessed their sins, took responsibility for their lives, and turned back to God. You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, you will return to the Lord your God in later days and obey Him. Repentance begins with confession of our guilt and recognition that our sin is against God. When true repentance comes, God will not hesitate for a moment to forgive, cast the sins in the sea of forgetfulness, and put the child on the road to restoration. Four marks of true repentance are: acknowledgement of wrong, willingness to confess it, willingness to abandon it, and willingness to make restitution. The one who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy.
Filed Under: Blog, Stress Tagged With: corrie ten boom, God, HCSB, Lord, repentance, sin, Steve ArterburnWhen, true repentance, willingnessIs Confession All That Matters In Recovery?
I used to think that if I just got really good at confessing my faults and failures as quickly as possible to when they occurred that I would become a different man.
Then I discovered the key to gaining ground against the ever-chasing pull of lust: applying the practice of repentance.
Repentance is the willful act of discontinuing a thing which is destructive, followed by an earnest effort to do what is constructive and right. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory. Touring Models Road King, Road King Custom, Road King Classic, Road Glide, Street Glide, Electra Glide, Electra Glide Classic, and Electra Glide Ultra Classic bikes. What I can tell you is, Hands down one of the best saddles for the price, workmanship, comfort, and customer service!
Someday you will look back on your life and realize that everything worthwhile you’ve ever accomplished initially challenged you.  And that is as it should be, because big challenges often prepare ordinary people for extraordinary success.
Every struggle arises for a reason – for experience or a lesson.  A great journey is never easy, and no dose of adversity along the way is ever a waste of time if you learn and grow from it. Remember, an arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards, and such is life.  When life is pulling you back with difficulties, it means it’s going to eventually launch you forward in a positive direction.  So keep focusing, and keep aiming! It’s not what you do every once in a while, but what you dedicate yourself to on a daily basis that makes a difference in the end.  Having a plan, even a flawed one at first, is better than no plan at all.
Never let what other people expect from you dictate what you expect from yourself.  Clarity about your true desires is so liberating because you get to stop proving yourself to everyone, including yourself. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts even more is to love someone and never find the time to let them know how you feel.  There is no greater sadness than holding on to the loving words and deeds you never delivered to those you love. Getting where you want to go in life is not about finding a shortcut, it’s about putting in the required time and effort.  You have to set goals and fulfill your commitments, even when no one would notice but you, and know in your heart why doing so matters. What would you add to this post?  When have you cut yourself short by trying to take a shortcut in life?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.
I think one shortcut a lot of people take is that they never take the time to get to know themselves. It’s so true that we often cut ourselves short, and make our lives more difficult, by taking supposed shortcuts in life.
There is a fine line when it comes to following your heart, not getting bothered by what others think and getting carried away. There have been plenty of times when I’ve burned out because I unthinkingly followed this tendency when it would have been better for me to chill out first and think about my options. You have the right to feel any emotion that comes to you, and to follow a path that makes you happy (#4) is so true as long as we do not harm ourselves or others along the way.
There have been times when I have gotten too enamored by the potential results or outcome and lost focus on the essential prep work needed to produce those results. In other words, there is usually a process that needs to be established and followed before the outcome you want is produced. Skipping steps or trying to accelerate the process to get right to the results most times leads to disappointment.
The hardest person to forgive is myself, for things I have done and, even more so, what I did not do. Another shortcut not to take is trying to get your body in shape by skipping the workouts and healthy diets and hurting yourself with pills and fads and surgery. I am truly inspired… I keep struggling and thinking about all the things that are happening for a better purpose, and I try to keep in mind as much as I can that true happiness is not actually at the end or success of each goal but it is already here in now along the journey.


I greatly agree I spent the last two years of my life finding shortcuts to the dissatisfactions of my life. I couldn't really afford a full back tattoo when I started it, but I was teaching martial arts, and my artist was also struggling financially but wanted his children in classes. Now, this was the same guy who did my first tattoo and had done two for my wife and fixed another of hers. I am finally in a place, 10 years later, where I can financially take on doing something about it.
It’s the sense of no longer being inside a year where an event or situation took place.
When we have an overactive blame thyroid, languishing on regret becomes rumination and obsessing and next thing, we’re doing something in the hope of easing the regret. The coworker ignored the advice, decided that they thought that the problem was X and spent a few days pursuing this investigation and trying to solve it, when it turned out that there was a wider issue.
Regret that you’re still adopting thinking and behaviour that disempowers you and then resolve to do better by you. Things happen for a reason, it’s just not always very clear what that reason is at the time.
The more you beat you up, the less self-esteem you have to move forward and also the less perspective you have. Baggage Reclaim is a guide to learning to live and love with self-esteem by breaking the patterns that stand in your way.
I love that your relationship insights can apply just as well to non-romantic relationships such as co-workers, bosses and family members. And I thank you for using your experience and your talent to express so much truth to so many people who land themselves in these situations. Celebrate that I found Baggage Reclaim in time, celebrate that you have written some down to earth material that resonates with me and many others, and celebrate that I am no longer willing to be the fallback girl or the dreamer and I see the future fakers and assclowns for who they really are. After being called by the EUM today and yelled at for nothing under my control I thougt I was to blame for his anger.
Nothing that I have ever done was as tactless and self-centered and whining as the last rant that I heard, from the man who brought me here lol.
Yes, it is weird how, being graceful, can even be something that you regret, when your self esteem is shakey. But we call also reframe it, as us becoming, with each protected bounday, MORE than we probably seemed in a good way.
I went into the relationship without many boundaries, or I decided to let my ex get past them. Outside, as I was hugging my date good-bye, the ex walks slowly behind my date and gives me this huge smiley face.
He would have been sitting in that cafe, fuming that you were there with another bloke, because you just know in his mind he has you INLOVEWITHHIMFOREVER. I need you ladies to help me recalibrate…My therapist said narcissists can corkscrew into your brain, and the trick is to get them out. Since 1985 New Life Live has been broadcasting as a nationally-syndicated, interactive talk radio program which deals with mental health, emotional, relational and spiritual issues from a biblical perspective. He will not leave you, destroy you, or forget the covenant with your fathers that He swore to them by oath, because the Lord your God is a compassionate God. Real repentance may start with feelings of sorrow and remorse, but it ends only when we turn away from the sin that has heretofore distanced us from our Creator. If we continue to admit our faults and failures, is that enough to live a life of ongoing purity, or is there more to the equation of freedom than simply admitting time and again that we are broken and imperfect? Unfortunately, all I learned from such a venture was how desperately wicked my sinful nature was and how often I must confess. That’s what distinguishes repentance from confession, which is a simple acknowledgment of sin as opposed to actively turning from it.
In short, without confession nothing is forgiven, but without repentance nothing is changed. Remember, you’re trying to emerge from the mindset of a child to that of an athlete, putting aside anything that interferes with your ultimate goal.
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Which is why I have completely given up dreams of fame and fortune and tried to focus on what’s right for me from day to day. It’s easier to just lose themselves in media like TV and Movies instead of taking the time to explore things they really like. This probably falls into category 4, but I’d add specifically trying to keep up with the Joneses. I wholeheartedly agree that there are no shortcuts to success and it takes a whole lot of hard work. Sometimes this has led me to decide that **for the moment** it’s better for me to settle for the way things are so that I can marshal my resources for later effort. I am a very meticulous person and I so much believe that diligence always pays off – it may time and can be frustrating atimes, but the rewards are worth it in the end. Many times I’ve stayed up all night on projects that thrilled me, and hit many roadblocks in the process. Far too many of us fall into the habit of consuming too much media, instead of creating something special with our time. So no matter what the end is, success or failure, happiness will always be a part of the journey as a whole… it is up to us to open our eyes and hearts and experience it. Expecting for something a little better, however I always ended up settling for less then what I had because I didn’t look at the big picture. I remember now, indeed, that in a journey, it’s not the arrival or the destination that actually matters.
I thought I was the master of getting things done super fast and getting ahead of the game. This takes the form of the whole seeking attention and validation, or basically attempting to return to the relationship or situation for another round, or even trying to right the wrongs of the past with someone new. No matter what I do in my life, the past is done and happened but I’ve stopped letting it define me. Possibly if it’s you and only you in the situation and you had a great deal of control over what you could do, but not the case if there are things beyond your control like people and circumstances. There are always things that you could have done differently but you can’t, although you can influence your present and future experiences by doing things differently moving forward. In no longer punishing myself like some sort of persecutor, I’ve come to trust that it might hurt or piss me off now, but at some point the reason for why I did something or why it happened will become clear.
Whether it’s figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, I’m here to help you guide you. Use your reason to convince yourself that you are a better person now and THAT is all that matters. And no help from my brothers – I found it very hard to have boundaries as my father is elderly and had I abandoned him, my brothers would not have helped.
So if you had to choose what you rather have; a man who gets behind you, or you who gets behind you.
So he just had time to think about what he could do that would not make him look a total fool or get him arrested, but would prey on your mind. She worshiped false gods and ignored God’s laws, which were intended for her own good. When you are irresponsible in your relationship with God and others, your situation will grow progressively worse. In truth, we offer our most meaningful apologies to God, not with our words, but with our actions.


I propose that confession is only half of the equation when it comes to living each day in sexual purity. We confess to agree with truth, and then we repent to turn away from the opposing thought, belief, or action that prompted the confession.
We think we can reason our way out of the lustful trap we are caught in, rather than surrendering ourselves, through repentance, to the truth of God’s Word and His ways.
But without repentance, confession only serves to perpetually wash over the same stain again and again without ever effectively seeking to remove it. But inasmuch as sin did never give you what it promised to bestow, but deluded you with lies, be free.
To repent, or turn, you need to first identify what you’re repenting of, then determine the most effective way to do it. Things that excite them enough to do even when they’re tired and just home from work.
Get worse and worse and worse, until one day you get so fed up, you move into action on that impulse you felt 4 years ago. Getting the job you thought you wanted or that your parents wanted for you because of the attendant prestige and pay scale.
I would also add the shortcut of settling for less than you deserve or want and this comes with being honest with yourself. If we constantly deny them, we’ll consistently make choices to avoid feeling that way and miss out on living wholeheartedly in relationships and marketplace opportunities.
This article really helped me realize I’m not alone in the mistakes of taking shortcuts. What I wanted, though, was an expression of what I felt inside that I couldn't tell the world about. One should get ones sense of self from internal rather than external sources but Even the strongest self esteem feels a tad battered when one gets zero positive feedback from others.
It is really dumb to regret being kind to people, or trusting them initially when they seem to have given you reason to trust them…there is NO point regretting not having a crystal ball and such. This guy was as narcissistic and destructive as the guy Victorious went out with – a real mind-trip. I couldn’t figure out if he was trying to establish a friendly connection (as if that would ever happen), or if he was just trying to play with my mind. Not that I am suggesting for one second that anyone should actually set out to play with narcs. We confess that we have a problem with lust – or whatever the particular struggle may be (true). Pride is an ugly beast, but so often goes unrecognized as we wiggle and squirm out of the loving invitation of repentance and new way of life. Repentance, therefore, compliments confession by guiding us toward the proper focus and perspective once we receive the refreshing cleansing brought about by humble, honest confession. Martin Luther, speaking of impure thoughts, said that we can’t keep the birds from flying over our heads, but we can keep them from building a nest in our hair. Are there parts of your lifestyle’habits, places you like to go, forms of recreation’that encourage sexual immorality? If you can’t be true and honest with yourself about what you want then this is only going to lead you to unhappiness. In my opinion, this resistance is an indicator that I need to push through in order to grow, just like with a workout. Now whenever I am stuck at the fork in the road I take the pathway with most resistance and challenges because that is what life is all about. I wanted something that represented the woman I was within at a time when I couldn't imagine ever transitioning. Ironically yesterday we had a meeting on racism and many of the white men present felt very marginalized, denegrated, bashed due to their physical appearance. This site has changed me more than therapy has; it opened up my eyes, to how common my circumstance was for so many. Plus, most of these guys that hurt us are pretty manipulative; they might have even fooled a crystal ball and they probably even fool themselves into thinking they are quality and ethical men.
Today, I was in a coffee shop on a date with a super sweet, cute guy… the first such date in a long time. The prophet Zephaniah condemned the idol worship and self-center living of the nation Judah. And as we continually turn toward truth we experience the power of God unleashed on the false thoughts, beliefs, and actions that seek to pull us again into darkness, shame, and despair.
But to become a new person, a free, pure child of God, we must die to our pride and invite, even embrace, the path of repentance. May you allow your times of confession to remind you to take the additional step toward long-term freedom by also repenting. They adapted better, faster and more readily than the troops who followed training and plans to a T.
This may seem a little off topic from the seven shortcuts outlined above, but I bring it up because I think a common reason for an individual to take the easiest route, put things off or leave everything to chance is because of past hurts and fear of failure.
The first and second drafts weren't quite right, but by draft three I felt like maybe I wasn't being reasonable and just rolled with it. Things are kinda up in the air for me, but at least I’m not entangled in his narcissistic cycle anymore. But as you begin to see the truth, speak the truth, and accept responsibility for your life, you’ll discover the great relief and hope that God offers. We confess each time our thoughts or actions do not match up with what God has said is good or right, and in so doing we agree with truth. So often, men can go on kidding themselves, then wonder why they’re not making any progress. Becoming aware of those tendencies of the mind is crucial to not let yourself get carried away by it. His phone number had disconnected, he'd moved out of the house where I had been meeting him and his children for their private lessons, and the last tattoo shop he'd worked for said he'd packed out a few weeks prior and they didn't know where he went. Glad you found happiness in goodbye too, and wish you all the best with your new date ?? Have a Happy 2013! Repentance applies to acts of the conscious will, whether they are outward actions or inward indulgences. They claim to want freedom, and seem willing to give up overt sexual sin, but show an unwillingness to give up the very things that lead them back into that activity. Start small with baby steps and set attainable goals; then build off of those victories and learn from any set-backs. But looking back on that big unfinished piece, I wish I'd done two things: I wish I'd stood firm on getting what I really wanted, and I wish I hadn't gotten into it without the financial ability to continue it if things went sideways and I wasn't able to barter to the end of it.
Like Nat says, beating yourself up won’t change a thing of the past, but it will bitter your present. So now I'm left with a large and unfinished piece that's going to be very expensive to complete.
Now you know how to detect BS, now you can use what you have learned to not make the same mistakes again. No, confession invites the forgiveness and cleansing of God on to our broken lives, but it is repentance that ultimately changes the course of our recovery over the long haul.
These would of course include sexual contact apart from marriage, and the use of pornography.



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