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Mommy, For RealA candid glimpse at the imperfect reality of surviving the daily grind with kids. So there—that title looming up at the top of the page—I’ve put it out there to get it out of my brain. For a long time, my husband and I talked casually about “that third baby.” Even when I was still pregnant with our second daughter, there was an unspoken understanding that we’d probably have one more. Perhaps it was because of that damn tarot reading I had just months after my first daughter was born. As our daughter’s second birthday loomed, we began to have more concrete discussions about that hypothetical third child, whom (thanks to my psychic buddy) I’d begun to imagine as a boy.
We had a few months of willy-nilly birth control paired with intense discussions about retirement savings, child care scheduling, and maternity leave; each month, I found myself disappointed when my period would arrive again.
But we didn’t have an “oops,” and it was time to get serious and confront my own ambivalence. What if that third kid was the tipping point, and this time I would really never get my body back? We had almost reached the light at the end of the tunnel—we were sleeping through the night, had finished potty-training, had more independence—did we really want to start all over again?
I tried to coax myself into having a more optimistic outlook—maybe ours would be the first baby in the history of the world to actually make life easier for a family!
I felt as though I couldn’t see what was in my heart, that my head was too clouded with fear, pros and cons, and what-ifs. I think there are mothers who do amazingly well jugging three, four, or even five kids while also working at full or part-time jobs. I could get to experience that magic of watching my belly grow, of falling in love with a child again, of watching my youngest child become a big sister. I could follow my friends whose children are older, whose vacations are becoming less shitty each year, whose daily lives are becoming easier, into the light. Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.
Stephanie, I thought about this too off and on for awhile, but I just couldn’t go through another high risk pregnancy after all I wen through with my second pregnancy with Lily and fearing that midway through my second trimester I might lose her. Honestly, I too love those nine months when the baby is developing within…such a wonderful feeling to give life, but after I got arthritis I thought of nurturing one rather than asking for help all the time, or have that frown on my face. Sometimes it’s clear that we have to choose ourselves, our bodies, and our family members over having another baby. We were diagnosed with secondary infertility while trying for our second child (I have DOR and my husband has MFI). That you’re even having this conversation with yourself means that you want it, so just do it!
I really enjoyed reading this ?? I can relate as this is what I went through when I only had my eldest.
Honestly though, I say that now, but with my eldest, I only started entertaining the thought of having kids once he got easier at around 2.5. Liv recently posted…What Good is a Food Vacation if You Don’t Try the Food the Country is Famous For?? By that time, I was married and pregnant, and even then utterly unaware of what it takes to be a parent – even when there are two of you, both with jobs, and everyone is healthy. No doubt, it was the nonchalance of the women I overheard that disturbed me; their conversation was about them, their needs, what others thought, and the short-sighted view would have been apparent to any mother or father. I understand, I empathize, plan carefully and know that you cannot possibly plan for all of it. I think you hit the nail on the head with your statement about having a child being about their needs. Whether you’re considering trying to get pregnant for the first time, or you have been trying to conceive for a while without success, it is a good idea to review some tips that can increase your likelihood of conceiving.  Besides helping you conceive, many of these tips, such as getting the right nutrients and reaching a healthy weight, also help set the stage for a successful pregnancy. While most people know that indulging in alcohol, cigarettes, or certain drugs can have negative effects on your unborn baby during pregnancy, fewer people are aware that these substances can negatively affect your ability to become pregnant.
When it comes to alcohol, there is some evidence that even moderate drinking can make it harder for women to get pregnant and for men to get their partner pregnant. Studies have also consistently shown the negative effects of smoking cigarettes on both male and female fertility, potentially increasing the time it takes to get pregnant because of egg damage and sperm depletion. Finally, according to Harvard Health Publications, so-called “social” drugs like marijuana and cocaine may also harm fertility in men by making sperm less motile and reducing sperm count. Getting rid of your smoking habit or penchant for partying before you get pregnant will also help prepare you for pregnancy itself, during which cigarettes, alcohol, and other fun substances are strictly off limits.
Research has shown that women who engage in regular, moderate or vigorous exercise are able to get pregnant sooner than more sedentary women.
Exercise is also important for reaching a healthy weight, and people who are at a healthy weight have an easier time conceiving than those who are overweight or obese. This tip doesn’t only apply to women; overweight and underweight men may also have impaired fertility due to problems with sperm quality. Once you’re pregnant, you should continue on a modified exercise plan, per your physician’s recommendations. Timing is important when trying to conceive, and if you’re not having sex around the time of ovulation, conception will be difficult, if not impossible. Track your basal body temperature: Basal body temperature typically drops by about half a degree 24 hours before ovulation and increases by about the same amount after ovulation. There’s an app for that: Various websites, computer applications, and even smartphone apps can help you chart your ovulation based on the length of your menstruation cycle. Other important pre-conception nutrients for women found in typical prenatal vitamins include other B-vitamins, iodine, iron, vitamins A, C, and E, calcium, and zinc. Omega-3 fatty acids may also boost fertility, though these aren’t typically available in prenatal multivitamins and must be obtained through a separate supplement, such as a fish oil supplement. While all of these nutrients can also be obtained through a healthy diet – with plenty of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and fish – a prenatal vitamin is a good backup policy to make sure you don’t have any nutritional gaps in your diet.


While not strictly required for someone who is younger than 35 and in good health, a pre-conception visit with your OBGYN is important if you have any chronic health conditions, take any medications, or are 35 or older. Hot tubs or saunas (males only) – Scrotal exposure to high heat, such as that in hot tubs, saunas, or even long showers, can impair the number and function of sperm, leading to decreased fertility.
Artificial lubricants – Even non-spermicidal lubricants sold over-the-counter have ingredients that are hostile to sperm, potentially making you less likely to conceive if you use them. Douches – Douches are linked to decreased fertility, with one study showing that women who douched were 30 percent less likely to conceive in a given month than women who didn’t douche. Excessive caffeine – According to the American Pregnancy Association, research shows daily caffeine doses exceeding 200 to 300 mg may decrease fertility by 27 percent. Toxic substances – This category includes many synthetic chemicals, pesticides, fertilizers, metals such as lead and mercury, and other toxic substances you may be exposed to at work or in the home.
This one may seem to stand in opposition to the idea of this article itself, but it is nevertheless true. Psychotherapy, or talk therapy, is one technique that is effective in reducing the stress that can harm fertility.
Another thing to keep in mind is that being overly strict about only having sex during ovulation can increase stress in both partners and even decrease your odds of conception if you are not correct in your calculation of when you’re ovulating. Finally, it may be helpful to remember that healthy, fertile couples have about a 20 percent chance of conceiving each month when having regular, unprotected sex. Southern California native and resident (yes, I am a vegetarian and no, it never, ever rains here).
Nikki and Ian have been friends for several years, but made their relationship public in July, 2014 when they were spotted spending plenty of time in LA visiting farmers markets and going on runs together. As we previously reported, several source told E! that Nikki and Ian are engaged, saying,”They’re so happy. The news of their engagement comes just over a week after they were spotting looking at rings on Jan.
Nearly a year ago, I made a pact that I would keep this struggle private, that there was no need for me to share it with an audience.
I want to feel those pregnancy kicks, breathe in the newborn smell, to nurse and hold my baby and watch her (or him) grow. Her infancy was nearly idyllic, although she didn’t sleep through the night for fifteen long months. I hadn’t quite sold myself on the idea that we could pull off this family-of-five thing, but at my core, I knew I wanted to become pregnant again. Since I’d noticed a distinct trend of getting more confident and mellow with each subsequent child, perhaps #3 would be the one to push me over the edge into actually becoming a “laid-back” person! What if me wanting to have a third child had less to do with adding to our family and more to do with my reluctance to admit that the baby-making stage of life was over for me?
I tried to stop daydreaming about having another baby and just appreciate our two daughters—without hypothesizing about that phantom third child.
Despite my new philosophy of accepting our family as it is, I still tear up sometimes when I see pregnant women or newborn babies.
It is a bittersweet choice, and I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who wonders, What if? Even though my husband isn’t really interested and our infertility makes it damn near impossible, I still pine after a third child.
And the whole process can be a terrible strain on a marriage, which is such a valid consideration. Before that I didn’t really think about it but once he got easier that was when I was more open to it. Only one, so far as I know, went through the process and did eventually become a mother in her mid-thirties. And must we really point out the impossible pressures and expectations for American mothers? The exact mechanisms are behind this effect are unclear, but it is thought that alcohol may impair a woman’s hormonal balance and that its dehydrating effects could potentially make the cervical mucus too thick for conception.
Women should also avoid marijuana when trying to get pregnant, as some lab studies show that sperm exposed to THC (the active ingredient in marijuana) in vaginal fluids may also be rendered less potent.
Health authorities recommend 30 minutes of moderate exercise every day for healthy women trying to conceive or up to 60 minutes a day if you are overweight. Overweight women produce more androgens, insulin, and estrogen, all of which can impair ovulation and egg quality.
Thus, it might be wise for both partners to start a pre-conception workout program together to gain healthy muscle and lose any excess fat. Thus, in addition to having more sex in general, it is a smart idea to try to figure out when you are ovulating so you’ll know when your most fertile time is.
However, some kits are more sensitive than others, meaning that some products can detect an LH surge days before others can. However, you might not want to use this method by itself, since your body temperature can be thrown off by other things, such as illness. Many of them, including breast soreness, cramps, and moodiness, are commonly recognized as premenstrual symptoms. For those with a regular 28-day cycle, the most fertile days are between day 12 and 16 (with day 1 representing the first day of your period). Well, don’t wait until the actual day of ovulation to start trying – have sex several times in the 2-3 days leading up to ovulation as well. Your doctor will perform a check-up and talk to you about managing health conditions such as diabetes, obesity, kidney disease, or any other condition that might make you a candidate for a high-risk pregnancy. The CDC provides this brochure on protecting yourself and your family from toxic substances.
Sometimes, couples can get so caught up in trying to do everything right to get pregnant that they can bring added stress to their lives, and this stress itself can actually make it more difficult to get pregnant. One Harvard University Medical School study found that group therapy more than doubled the rates of conception for women who previously had difficulty getting pregnant.


Instead, it might be better to have sex on a more regular, natural basis — as long as you have sex 2-3 times per week, you are likely to hit your ovulation window eventually.
When I weaned her at sixteen months, I had mixed emotions, but didn’t believe I had just finished nursing my last baby. I realized I was subconsciously hoping for an “oops,” as if to absolve myself from any sense of responsibility for expanding our family. I also felt buoyed by the fact that one doesn’t often hear the words, “Wow, I sure wish we hadn’t had that last kid!” And really, three isn’t even that many kids these days—5 kids is totally the new 3 kids, am I right? I had been such an overachieving fertility expert with my previous pregnancies, and I wanted to spare myself that all-consuming obsession with conceiving. Our youngest daughter was the baby forever, and we cherished the dynamic of watching the “two sisters” play together and be a team.
The high of having a second child when we thought we’d never experience that was incredible and it made my last pregnancy very special. Wife was done I think after two because she worries about money and whatever, but for obvious reasons, she couldn’t keep her hands off of me and one morning I heard her sobbing in the bathroom and I knew…a third baby!! And then I realized I had twins, and my body carried twins and all their ailments and complications, and I *really* knew I was done.
These fruits are excellent sources of vitamins, antioxidants and minerals, most important nutrients in figs being calcium, potassium, cooper, manganese, selenium, zinc and iron.Also, they provide high amounts of chlorogenic acid, vitamin B, A, K and E. Studies show that losing just five percent of your bodyweight can help improve ovulatory function if you are overweight. Folic acid, a B-vitamin, is so important to female reproductive health that doctors recommend that all women of reproductive age get 400 mcg to 800 mcg per day – whether you’re trying to get pregnant or not. She will also likely want to discuss your family health history, lifestyle, reproductive history, vaccinations, weight, and other factors that can affect fertility and pregnancy outcomes. According to WebMD, stress, including that caused by “trying too hard,” may account for as many as 30 percent of infertility problems. Yoga, meditation, deep breathing, and progressive relaxation can also help you reduce stress. If you’ve been trying for longer than a year, it is a recommended that you see a fertility counselor who can help you determine why you’re not getting pregnant and what you can do to increase your odds. Many years ago doctors also thought a lot more harmful activities such as smoking, were just fine and often even prescribed. Though I was thrilled to be the mother of two girls, there was a vague sense of incompletion just beneath the surface.
You know, in case that third kid turned out to be the worst idea ever, I could shrug my shoulders and say, “It’s not like we were trying- it just happened!” Acknowledging that I was hoping for an accidental pregnancy to spare myself the accountability made me cringe—some family planning technique! Many of our challenging life transitions aren’t black and white; have you ever switched jobs or moved out of state, knowing that it was the right thing to do? I realized how good we had it: our daily routine is getting easier, travel is more fun, my stress level is manageable, and my career is thriving. I am too sensitive, I become overstimulated too easily, and I already struggle with staying balanced. But life continued to roll on and after giving birth, two children became ours through adoption.
I talk a lot about wishing I could have a 3rd child but not being able to put myself through the pain of trying and not succeeding in getting pregnant, but if I actually had to make the choice I don’t know if I would go through with it. I know what it is to wish for your children that there were more family members around, the configuration of that family less important (in my opinion) than its presence, its reliability, and its genuine emotional and logistical support.
But, these women will learn soon enough that having a child eliminates the *all about me* attitude.
However, this doesn’t mean you should lose too much weight – underweight women also have problems conceiving because they are less likely to ovulate. This is also a good time to ask your doctor about any concerns you might have about your health or pregnancy risks.
On the bright side, this means that stressed individuals can increase their odds of conceiving by employing stress-reduction techniques. It’s okay to ponder, or even mourn, the life you left behind, and wonder what would have happened if you’d stayed. But I wish envy those women, just as I envy the mothers who have always known they would only have two children in their family, women who don’t have to worry about changing their mind or second-guessing their plan. More likely, I need to continue my soul-searching to clarify what it is that I really want, and more importantly- why I want it. That as soon as that baby is in their arms, they will begin to live for something larger than themselves. Click Here to Discover How You Can Make Sure Your Next Child Is A GirlHow To Get Pregnant With A Girl: Eat More TofuTofu provides numerous nutrients needed for the development of a child and for conception in the first place. Men also need sufficient levels of folic acid, along with the mineral zinc, to support healthy sperm production.
Depending on your situation, your doctor may conduct lab tests to rule out diseases like hepatitis C, HIV, and others.
There was room for everyone—the girls still remained close, and we got to witness both of them becoming big sisters to our new baby. I began to embrace the late-night bottles of wine with friends and neighbors, without worrying if I might be pregnant and shouldn’t be drinking. Not everyone is fortunate enough to get pregnant on the first try like some of us were lucky enough to experience. I started working out again, celebrating the possibility that my body might finally get slimmer and stronger again, rather than thinking, “Pfft- who cares?
On the flip side, don’t know if you’ve been to my place but we have a new grandbabykin in the house!



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