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admin | Getting An Ex Back | 06.11.2015
There are literally KAMILLIONS of shitty non-classic rom-coms I could bombard you with in a shitty rom-com countdown, but personally, I prefer my cinematic turds robust, aged, cheaply made, and still fully capable of getting you drunk for less than $10 just like a fine wine from your local corner store! When it comes to forbidden interstellar fornication, EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY and AMANDA AND THE ALIEN are at a taboo-rific tie! Once her cooky stylist friend (Julie Brown) has shaved the aliens from head to toe, they are revealed to be major human male hunkage otherwise known on Earth as SEXY AS FUCK Jeff Goldblum plus…Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans?
After the boys hit up some SoCal clubs, ladies fall for them hard since they’re super hot and have weirdly long tongues (this is a cunnilingus reference that I surmised once I reached adulthood).
Amanda is of course more than willing to help him escape, after all, she’s a modern kind of girl, who is extremely open minded, frequents beatnik coffee shops, wears torn denim, understands the subtle nuances of grunge rock and the current crushed velvet craze. Poor, poor, Peter O’Toole (who is not the main character, unfortunately) plays Peter Plunkett, whose family inheritance, an old Irish castle, is in the process of being repossessed by the bank (somehow?). Luckily for love-lorn, soft-spoken Jack, one of the MURDERED inhabitants of the castle is silver-skinned Mary (Daryl Hannah), an attractive, soft-spoken and romantic DEAD PERSON who has been forced by some sort of fucked up Irish folklore fate, to re-enact her death (being stabbed in the stomach by her jealous husband after she refused to lose her virginity to him on their wedding night) over and over for the past 200 years.
Jack finds her quiet and practically non-existent nature incredibly seductive, while Mary is stoked Jack interrupted one of her nightly stabbings and after some unimportant conversations and weird glittery body-phasing ghost frottage, they obviously fall in love. Martin somehow wins over Sharon with rapey compliments and being overly touchy which leads to a game of adult flirt tag that ends in him tricking her into jumping out of a window to be with him forever.
Don’t worry romantics, because Allen eventually remembers (with the help of his brother Freddie played by John Candy) that Madison is super hot and worth saving so he hatches a plot to free her, after which they swim off into the ocean presumably to have fish kids and live in a sunken pirate ship. SPLASH was actually nominated for an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay in 1984, but lost to PLACES IN THE HEART.  Better luck next time, kind of misogynistic mermaid movies! Once Jim’s shitty friends find out, they try to kidnap her to use her in a sideshow, while Patty, HIS FIANCE becomes increasingly furious and believes him to be having an affair because it super looks like that.
After a beautiful new cello-playing neighbor, Madeline (Virginia Madsen) moves in upstairs, both Miles and his computer become enchanted with her, causing the computer to create songs for her that Miles passes off as his own. When the computer demands to meet Madeline and tell her he is the author of the song Miles gave her (in a HELLA creepy Bud Cort voice, BTW), Miles refuses, causing his computer to become even more irate, clean out his bank accounts and lock him out of his house. Lame Love Lesson: Why date online when you can just find cool, dangerous dudes in piles of garbage!
Once Denny invites Kaz to stay with her and their relationship becomes kissy, she finds out that he was cursed during puberty by the gypsy mother of a girl he was trying to bone and will turn into a grotesque demon if he becomes sexually aroused. Thankfully for our dim-witted love birds, there is ANOTHER overly aggressive creepo in the city with the same demonic curse and he’s the one, not Kaz, out murdering women at night.
In MANNEQUIN, squirly and kind of annoying Jonathan (Andrew McCarthy) is a disillusioned artist that must work unenjoyable odd jobs to pay the bills. Instead of being concerned he is mentally unstable, Jonathan begins an affair with Emmy which gets him into a lot of awkward situations culminating into everyone in the store believing he is sexing a store mannequin, which he basically is.
Meet Hollywood Montrose (portrayed by Meshach Taylor, who you may or may not remember from Designing Women).
Lame Love Lesson: Since every hetero girl wants a man just like daddy, actually BEING daddy without BEING daddy is even better! Fast forward 20 years and Louie is now in the body of twenty something college student Alex (Robert Downey Jr.) who begins a relationship with fellow student Miranda (Mary Stuart Masterson).
Once Alex realizes Phillip is secretly in love with Corinne, he plots to find a way to bring them together so she can be happy once again.
Tammy (Denise Richards) is a popular high school cheerleader who has just begun seeing popular football player Michael (Paul Walker) after a nasty break up with her ruffian ex-boyfriend Billy Bad (George Pilgrim). Once Michael’s brain is placed inside the T-Rex, he makes a break for it and goes on a desperate search to find, not his family or close friends or anything, but his two-week high-school girlfriend Tammy of course!

When Tammy awakes, he tries to explain that he is Michael using the ancient, Jurassic method of dinosaur charades. In the end, Michael’s brain is placed in a jar in the hopes of someday finding him a suitable body to once again, be like, a proper man boyfriend.
Elicia Sanchez is a stand-up comedian, a comic book reader and a professional bag of farts. This of course means I’m bypassing your typical 27-Kristen-Bells-How-to-Lose-a-Josh Duhamel kind of crap and right on to the most fucked up, random and ridiculous rom-coms EVER MADE! In the 1988 really weird romantic romp EGAE, Val Girl and manicurist, Valerie (Geena Davis) is unlucky in love when her doctor fiance (Charlie Rocket) seems to show nothing but disinterest in her. What she gets in return for her optimism is a parasitic alien being who escapes from a local top secret military base, then jumps from host body to host body before seducing our young Baywatchess.
Besides, it’s not like it’s MURDER if he HAS to eat the bodies he hosts his alien energy in!
To bring in more business and reel in tourists, he attempts to have his staff act as poorly crafted spooks in order to pretend the place is haunted. But don’t worry everyone that felt bad for Jack’s  outspoken and neglected wife, Sharon! Only allowed to stay on land with legs for six days or she will become human forever (as mermaids generally do), Madison hopes to have Allen eventually return her feelings, I guess.  Obviously though, she is outed as a lady fish and Allen rejects her (BECAUSE HE IS A TOTAL ASSHOLE) and she is taken away to a laboratory of some kind to be dissected. So I guess no prom queen’s were actually harmed in the making of this guy’s wet dream!  LOVE! Knight) is just an average, kind of fratty wannabe commercial musician who works as an executive assistant for a cosmetics company owned by the father of his wealthy and allegedly spoiled fiance, Patty (Phoebe Cates).
As the computer overloads and begins smoking, Miles decides to pour champagne all over it, somehow causing the computer itself to become sentient. When Madeline becomes interested in Miles, the computer goes into a jealous computer rage and begins taking over everything in Miles’ apartment including his front door lock, his television, his electric razor, and his phone. Luckily Denny is super patient and like, really understanding so they continue to date despite all the necessary apartment repairs when he claws up the walls or the clean up required when his head explodes puss on the kitchen floor. MTOTM: A window-display intern at a department store falls in love with a store mannequin which is coincidentally a medieval princess cursed by a sorcerer and his love for her breaks the spell enough that she is able to come to life at night only for him and they have a weird love affair. After creating what he considers his greatest work of art, a department store mannequin, he begins to fall in love with the inanimate object, eventually getting a stock boy job at the store where it is transferred.
Hollywood is not only the only character to appear in both films, but is also the only one worth remembering.
This mind-bending romantic romp tells the story of happily newly married  couple Louie (Christopher McDonald) and Corinne (Cybill Sheperd) who are sadly torn apart their first wedding anniversary when Louie is accidentally struck and killed by a car while crossing the street. Billy becomes so jealous that after warning Michael to stay away from Tammy and he doesn’t listen, Billy lures him into a wild cat exhibit at a local zoo where Michael is grossly mauled to death.
He does this by crashing some outdoor dance party, killing a couple people and whisking a fainted Tammy away in his little dino arms to an abandoned barn somewhere.
The OBVIOUS people arms in dino-colored socks that are badly positioned in frame to replace the tiny dino hands of the animatronic machine being used in order to have more fluidity whilst charading. In the meantime, Tammy provides the jar brain with tantalizing strip teases and sexual finger massages. She has performed at Seattle's Crypticon, the Bumbershoot Music & Arts Festival, the Bridgetown Comedy Festival and has opened for comedian Hari Kondabolu. Just when she thinks a new look will spice up their sex life hotter than a Groupon for Salsa lessons, she finds out that he’s cheating on her with one of his nurses (which must keep his sexual role playing conveniently cheap costume-wise). OMG, Valerie could just GAG, but then a spaceship of colorful furry men crashes into her pool and before you know it, Valerie has fed them Pop-Tarts, made three brand new friends and starts a bizarre Care Bear fetish fantasy for their alien leader, Mac!

When his super shitty friends interrupt his engagement party (of which he spends the majority of avoiding his fiance and her family) by pretending to kidnap him at gunpoint, he heads off to a raging bachelor party without bothering to let Patty or her family know he’s okay.
He decides to keep the angel at his place while researching a way to help her return to heaven and helping to mend her broken wing with some bandages and like prayers, I guess. Patty’s father on the other hand, wants the angel as well to use as the new face of his cosmetic line which had previously included Patty.
The scene where Patty is putting on underwear over her jeans and drunkenly chases after Jim with a shot gun is supposed to show how stupid and crazy she is, but I’m totally on team Patty for this one. She’s kind of quirky thanks to a scratchy voice, child-like innocence, weird outdated clothes and the fact she is a vegetarian. Eventually the creepo devil kidnaps Denny and Kaz must come to her rescue in demon form, which naturally he is only able to achieve after having implied sexual intercourse in the nearby grass with her best friend.
After nights of creepily whispering to the mannequin as if she were real, she suddenly comes to life, revealing herself to be a beautiful white ancient Egyptian (HUH?) named Emmy (Kim Cattrall) that can only come to life at night and only for him.
Then they live happily ever whatever after getting married in the store’s display window.
Once Louie reaches heaven, he sneaks past the gates and manages to be reincarnated immediately while keeping memories of his previous life in tact. Once the American tourists began disbelieving in the ghostly pranks, Plunkett’s mother calls upon the real ghosts of the grounds to appear and reek havoc which they naturally (does that word work here?) do.
When Sharon discovers the dying, haggard Mary and half-dressed Jack, she says the best line in the movie which is, “…You left me over this?
Unfortunately though, she keeps getting mixed up with the wrong men, like the time she dated a guy who stole everything in her apartment on her birthday. Miranda is THANKFULLY unaware of Alex’s past life and instead is just hella creeped that he is acting bizarre and seems to be obsessed with her mom. This leads to a hospital stay and a visit by a really vexed angel that gives him an injection to forget his past life.
Once he wakes up he is reunited with Miranda and is welcomed into the family as if everything is totally legit and none of this crazy shit happened. Wachenstein (Terry Kiser) is searching for the last ingredient to his plan of world domination…a brain to insert in the head of his mechanical Tyrannosaurus Rex. After a chance encounter with homeless musician, Kaz (Scott Valentine) who is sleeping in a pile of garbage next to her table at an outdoor cafe and flirtatiously steals her veggie burger, she quickly falls for him. If you want to sit through the whole film and take a nostalgic trip back to the days of socially acceptable half shirts and rum raisin lipstick, check it out in parts on YouTube here! The rest of the film basically revolves around Tammy and her wise-cracking friend caught up in several car chases to avoid the police and Dr. The kind of shitty movie that’s got just the right amount of predictable stereotypical romantic cliches to not be funny and just the right amount of poop jokes to ruin the romance! To up the nostalgic ante, how about you style it with a cropped top, bomber and your favorite slide sandals? Fully lined, this rose-print piece is made from ruffled layers of fluid silk for a breezy feel.

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Comments »

  1. Becham — 06.11.2015 at 14:31:46 Two people who are committed you want.
  2. Bir_Gecelik_Ay — 06.11.2015 at 20:18:44 Best to start with the small when I first went to her may have felt this manner.