15.12.2014

What your name means about your future

One night towards the end of my nightclub DJ career, the most nasal woman I’ve ever met wandered into the bar. A psychologist spends a crap load of time in school learning how to help idiots learn to cope with life issues and mental health problems that normal people seem to have no problem dealing with. At least part of the blame for today’s disastrous state of affairs in given names can be attributed to the authors of various baby name books. I have learned a tremendous amount in my travels through several locations, relationships, and careers. Before you go blaming Bush, Cheney, Obama, and the NSA for stealing your freedoms and invading your privacy, you’d better take a second look at your parents first.
If she had realized I made my entire evaluation from nothing more than her first name, that giant Avatar would have been really pissed off and might have inflicted physical damage. Nate Silver and Allison McCann created a wonderful chart titled How to Tell Someone’s Age When All You Know Is Her Name based off the Social Security Administration index files. As a local celebrity, I had enough credibility to solicit answers from hundreds of drunkenly honest people I hardly knew. Most parents don’t realize that by the simple act of giving a child a name they're doing folks like me (and now you too) a huge favor.
There is only one rule, it should be funny, you can submit your own tweet or one you think is funny. She looked lost, as many women who walk into this type of environment for the first time do.
Initially, she told me she was doing research for an article she was writing on relationships and male infidelity. Millions of clueless mamas read their contributions to tabloid silliness and continue to take their advice as gospel. Germany, Italy, Sweden, and even Malaysia restrict name choices in an effort to spare a child embarrassment, ridicule and bullying. Based on demographic, socioeconomic, and societal factors, America is one of the few places in the world where you can accurately size up someone with nothing more than a first name. Freud and I discussed my baseless observation, I began to further analyze everything and everyone I could. The findings contained in these pages are probably the single most strange yet surprising and important revelation I will ever discover. And, if you too have become depressed because of your name, I’ve got a terrific psychologist I can recommend.
She was a below average looking girl who was by no means hideous, but her lack of any cosmetics whatsoever didn’t help. Chloe cringed as her much older boyfriend sealed her fate by revealing that her middle name was Daisy.


Besides life itself, your first name is the only thing they can impart upon you that sticks around for your entire life. At the time of their article, they accurately extrapolated that the average Joshua is about 22, while the average Donald is pushing 60. For example, some parents think they’re being avant-garde by alterating the spelling of a name, which, in some cases, could potentially display originality and forward thinking. She was fairly hot for a non-dancer, dressed in tight jeans and a wooly white sweater, with her long black hair falling neatly along her bare shoulders. My superior powers of disclosure ultimately discovered she herself was a victim of infidelity, and just wanted to understand how her cheating husband’s mind worked in order to avoid making the same mistake twice.
Unfortunately, here in the United States, there are virtually no rules pertaining to what you can or cannot name your child.
As a matter of fact, Iceland has a naming committee that decides whether a new given name is acceptable. American soldiers sacrificed their lives for a wondrous freedom that allows us to embarrass ourselves and curse our children as much as we please. In some places, it’s downright scary and often dangerous simply interacting with people. Emily is most likely in her late teens now, while her great-grandmother Dorothy is breaking Social Security’s reserves by living more than 75 years. While engaging in seemingly meaningless small talk (which I absolutely abhor), I elicited information about certain personality traits specifically based on the name of my subject and their family or friends.
I imagine people throwing darts at a Scrabble board seeing where they land and coming up with wackadoo combinations of letters, ultimately creating some crazy name, trying to be all cute. I soon informed her that she was in the wrong place, since most of the men in my room were single and desperate, looking to fill up their spank bank rather than become involved in a relationship.
Frankly, I already knew I housed deep-rooted issues, and we were way past me laying on her couch. New Zealand bans names which include titles like Prince, Princess, King, Major, Sargent and Knight. The year of your birth and your parents’ religious background are typically the most influential decision criteria. From the scribblings on bar napkins and matchbooks compiled in a shoebox for nearly a decade, I compared personality traits among those who shared the same name. This didn’t seem to bother her as my new best friend and I shared old stories, enjoyed football games, and picked up beautiful honeys at other bars. Additionally, New Zealand banned names like Stallion, Yeah Detroit, Fish and Chips, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy, Sex Fruit, and Tallulah Does The Hula. I have always experimented with the oddest situations and potential outcomes of anything I could control.


Obviously, the timing pertains to the musicians, politicians, movie stars, or fictional characters whose names were popular the year of your birth.
My sole criteria for developing this analysis was that at least two of those people with that certain first name had at least two or more of the same personality traits.
Besides, this physician was coming to me for therapy, and I was kind of tickled about that.
That explains the current onslaught of Beyonces, Baracks, and Brittneys in the past decade.
I quickly informed her auditions were on Tuesday afternoons, and that’s when I heard that awful cackle for the first time. There was a lot of that going at the gentleman’s club as women discovered the pig gene runs rampant in most males. Only my ants are people, and my glass is a great big voice-activated psychological remote control. And naming a child with a biblical or religious moniker helps those poor creationist parents feel their selfish act will cancel at least some of their worldly sins and bring them a step closer to those pearly gates when their inevitable demise arrives.
Instead of casually sliding one dollar bills into the most private of places of scantily clad pole dancing twerkers, I was the one in the back room shaking those bitches down for a cut of their tips. Honestly, I hate idioms, but there is no other way to describe how her extremely nasally voice and her cackling laugh grated my nerves like five hard fingernails scraping against a well-worn chalkboard. I was in the midst of writing this book, and my mind was analyzing, rationalizing, calculating, and evaluating this woman’s personality from nothing more than her first name. I suddenly began to wear my headphones on both ears, which was both awkward and extremely inconvenient.
In both cases, overwhelming evidence of a complete lack of originality will be revealed, which will more often than not pass on to you environmentally and genetically. That first night, I have to admit I was a heartbeat away from having her escorted out of the bar. I talked the girls up, always queued their favorite track, and ensured they’d leave the bar with a pocketful of cash. Some of the girls I knew legitimately earned six figures a€“ and that’s before the decimal point, smart ass. If nothing else, my painful study will provide you with some interesting Pilates conversation.



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