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May 4, 2016 by The Jenny Evolution 1 Comment Helping children to set their own boundaries and limits is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. When I was doing some background for this post, I was surprised at how often articles popped up about setting boundaries with your adult children.
When children have their own firm boundaries, they are more likely to succeed throughout their lives. To help children understand, recognize and set boundaries, begin by setting a few basic boundaries that apply to everyone. For example, you may want to include boundaries that include safety, respect, responsibility, etc. We were just talking this morning about when one sibling asks the other to stop, then we need to respect that request and boundary.
For example, if 3-year-old Janie doesn’t want to hug Aunt Martha or anyone else, she has a right to say no and expect the wish to be respected.
These boundary lines allow you and your children to separate me from you. They help everyone to accept responsibility for their own actions and feelings.
Show your children that their opinions are important by carefully considering their perspective and explaining why you make your final decisions regarding boundaries. Make sure your children are aware of the consequences that will take place beforehand should they choose not to respect a boundary or limit.
Help your kids recognize actions of a good, healthy friendship and those of an unhealthy, destructive friendship.
When your children are older, this will also be important as they choose a boyfriend or girlfriend so it’s a good idea to begin putting these boundaries in place at a young age. Rescuing your children each time there is an issue keeps them from taking personal responsibility and their social skills may suffer if they don’t get to practice making compromises and working out solutions without a mediator.

One type of emotional abuse that warrants a section of its own is witnessing family violence. FACT:  Isolated emotional child abuse has had the lowest rate of substantiation of any of the types of emotional abuse (Kairys, 20022). FACT:  Children and youth who witness family violence experience all sixtypes of emotional abuse. FACT:  A 1995 telephone survey identifying types of emotional abuse suggested that by the time a child was 2 years old, 90% of families had used one or more forms of psychological aggression in the previous 12 months (Straus, 20003). Many people including parents, members of the law enforcement community and journalists, think that infants and young children who witness violence are too young to know what happened. Not only are you teaching your children how to think independently, you also teach them how to treat themselves as well others. If you’ve had difficulty setting these up in your home, take a look at these ten ways parents help children set boundaries and limits.
When children see and respect other people’s boundaries, they are better able to set clear boundaries for themselves. When it comes to physical contact and personal space, everyone has their own comfort zone and levels. Coercing or making children dismiss their own feelings can lead to confusion and self-doubt, as well as children devaluing their own needs and feelings later. Emotional boundaries also protect you from putting too much importance on feelings and situations that we have no control over. When someone crosses one of your emotional boundaries, it’s ok to tell them what happened. I try not to hurt your feelings or disrespect you and I expect you to be considerate of my feelings and respect me too.

This teaches your children how to set their own limits as well as predict possible outcomes and consequences in later life.
As your child’s understanding, maturity level and needs grow, boundaries should be adjusted. Due to the ever-increasing statistics of family violence, I’ve treated this topic separately.
This includes witnessing, which is when a child or youth observes violence, hears violence, or knows that violence is taking place in the home. Children who feel as if they have a voice and a choice are more likely to follow rules and adhere to boundaries.
And try to have the consequence be a real-world consequence directly connected to the offense. Being consistent teaches children to stand firm in their beliefs and what they feel is acceptable.
Those who accept your children for who they are, treat them with respect and truly care are good friends.
Help each of your children figure out what works best for them and what doesn’t work at all. Consistency gives children the courage to stand up for themselves and to set healthy boundaries.

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