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In Potty Training Experience: Playlistening, we explored the healing role that laughter can play when a child has unworkable fears.
Step Two involves Staylistening, a kind and effective way to work with a child to dispel his fears.
What releases fear is a natural process that children use again and again in infancy and early childhood, unless adults insist that they stop. In this case, the daughter had vomited, screamed, cried and trembled when her diaper was taken away, and, alarmed, her parents had given her diaper back, feeling that this was far too much stress for her to experience.
But their child’s emotional episode was brought on by her genius for recovery from fear. So, after doing a couple of weeks of Playlistening, securing laughter around the issues of peeing and pooping in the toilet (and elsewhere), they moved to this more challenging stage of Staylistening. The things that are helpful to say while a child is offloading fear all point to the safety of the present moment. A parent’s presence and confidence encourages full expression of the true depth of the emotion.
There’s a visible tone of relief, if the parent has been able to listen until the child is done. One on One When you're a busy parent, it can be difficult to find the time to attend workshops and classes.


Partnering Well in Parenting: A Special Benefit Teleconference with The Couples Institute's Dr. Our mission is to provide parents with insights, skills, and support they need to listen to and connect with their children in a way that allows each child to thrive. The mother who wrote in had a three-and-a-half year old daughter who was absolutely terrified of using the toilet.
I assured them that their presence while their daughter felt her terrified feelings would have true healing power. In the beginning, her child was so terrified of spending a night without a diaper that she vomited—this was true terror they were battling together.
She screamed and writhed and raged for at least 45 minutes until she finally fell asleep with her arms around her Dad while seated on the toilet. She peed the bed every night after having held it in most of the day, and pooped the bed one night of the weekend, holding it in the rest of the time. She reminded her that we had seen her dad finish the triathlon and that we knew that she would finish her training too.
Our two-part remedy for those fears was to first get laughter going around toileting, which, as that article shows, the mother and father did beautifully. She simply needed her parents by her side, calm and confident, until the emotional episode passed, a sign that she had overcome a good chunk of fear.


Confident and steady, they learned to stay very close to their daughter during these frightened moments, and offer calm reassurance.
Sometimes, he or she will calmly look around, as if in a new world, for several minutes, and then jump up to play, happy and lighthearted. It was clear that she had to poop, and it would take another major session in order to work through the fear. She kept saying she had to go to the bathroom and then denying she had to go once one of us would take her. We put her to bed and talked about not continuing but also realized that she had again worked through substantial fear and not left the bathroom.
Late afternoon she started to say that she had to go to the bathroom and then deny it immediately.
We had decided that we would likely have to hold her on the toilet again until she was able to poop.



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