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Ever since I was a young girl, relationships have fascinated me, particularly romantic ones. As a child, I believed that being in a romantic relationship, and especially being married, meant lasting happiness. This fairy tale view of relationships didn’t disappear when I came of age, but followed me into adulthood when I married a man that I knew in my gut simply wasn’t right for me. At first, it was exciting to be someone’s wife and to have a husband, but my high expectations quickly created tremendous disappointment for me.
After struggling to “work on” our relationship and seeing no improvement, we separated and eventually divorced. The only thing that I knew for sure was that I never wanted to go through such a painful experience again. In what I now understand was an attempt to protect myself, I made terrible judgments and generalizations about relationships and men. My reality reflected these fearful thoughts, and in the year following my divorce I dated men who were perfect examples of the stereotypes I adopted. This became my intention, and I became passionately committed to learning and doing whatever I could to get me there.
For over a year I studied the ways in which a relationship between a man and woman worked and how it could be close and loving, but was discouraged and frustrated by most of what I read.
While I understood that a happy, healthy relationship takes two people, I knew I had to first work on myself.
As I studied over the next few months with this new distinction, I noticed something unexpected and wonderful unfolding. I had shifted from how to find the right man and get him to give me love and make me happy, to learning who I had to become in order to create and maintain a close, loving relationship. This was a brand new way of looking at things and a brand new way of being that was incredibly exciting for me. For the next two years, I learned as much as I could and put into practice everything I was learning. My new understanding of myself and others became: We are all infinitely and eternally beautiful souls, intrinsically worthy of love.
Each one of us are intrinsically worthy of love, not because we are entitled to other people giving it to us, but because we are love. For so long I had been trying to force others to give me love, manipulating them, making demands, giving with an expectation of receiving in return (also known as barter), and it only led to frustration and resentment. It struck me all at once that everything I had learned over the course of three years was truly about giving love joyfully from a place of being love.
I was no longer concerned with trying to find the perfect man, fix relationship problems, or change anyone else. Interestingly, my original intention in studying relationships was only to improve my own chances of having a good, lasting relationship with a man. This journey to “love enlightenment” has been amazing so far, with many ups and downs, as I’m sure it will continue to be.
The wisdom I have gained has been invaluable for creating positive change not only within myself and in my relationships, but in my entire life. The goal is not to reach some destination, but to understand more about what it means to be whole.
In short, through your relationships with others grow more into the truth of who you are at the core of your being: you are love. Anyways, great post – so happy you created that space within yourself for love to exist. From a young age we are taught by society and media in the Western World that love will complete us and make us happy etc.
It took me a while to create space in me for love to exist, and sometimes it’s still a struggle and I expect that I will have unloving moments for the rest of my life. Can you share more specific tips on how you got there besides just knowing you needed to love yourself more. These words aren’t new to me either but HOW did you fully understand and feel the truth of them?
I tried coaching with one of the Tiny Buddha contributors, and I also started therapy with a psychotherapist.
I’m not the original poster, but I found this interesting, as this is the head space I got to, after my break up.
After reading all of these (and a few other) over and over, I too, eventually came to a similar conclusion to her. A few years ago, after my divorce, I asked how I could have the closest and most happy and loving relationship possible.
I know that I am feeling like I’m lacking something when I think I need something from him (or anyone for that matter) to feel good. The key is awareness that you’re thinking this way and then intentionally choosing to be loving.


My practice has really been about increasing my moments of awareness of these thoughts and feelings, knowing that they are my creation, that I can change them and instead choose to love. Sometimes in the middle of not feeling good, I’ll ask myself what my ultimate intention is, what I truly want.
Deep down, even in my worst moments I understand that I can just let my partner be who he is. I read a lot, three books caused me to have an entirely different perspective on relationships. What I did was record what I did (meditate, visualize etc) and then how good or bad our interactions felt that day in a journal. I’ve learned so much about my own power to create good feelings, love and closeness in a relationship through my thoughts and feelings. But by far the most helpful resource I’ve found is my own awareness and an intention to create happiness, love and closeness in my relationship.
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We both demanded that the other change and the relationship quickly became one filled with resentment and contempt.
I lacked the awareness necessary to examine my own actions and learned nothing, except to fear entering into another relationship. Even though I had left my marriage, nothing had truly changed and, in fact, through my own fear had grown worse. I certainly didn’t want to repeat the past and I refused to settle for just any romantic relationship.
Now, as I became more and more aware that I truly am empowered to create loving relationships as well as a wonderful life, I began to see myself and others in a new light. It was my hope that I would learn some tricks to get a good man interested and then to get him remain attracted enough to me to shower me with gifts, affection, attention, and praise. I learned to grow through my experiences in my relationships, become more loving and more whole, and give from a place of joy, which effortlessly creates a close, loving, happy, healthy relationship.
I have learned to be a better partner for my partner, for myself, for everyone I know and meet, and for the world at large. Perfection isn’t possible, but perhaps your intention could be to become more aware of what you are giving and being, and let it be love more and more of the time. For some of us (men!) giving love sometimes feels like the hardest thing in the world to do, but constantly reminding ourselves of what you said, that the essence of love is giving, is the key to making it work.
After a 8 year marriage my husband announced that he was no longer in love me with and left. You mentioned that you learned as much as you could, what resources have helped you the most? A very special friendship of mine dating back to 2000 fell apart last year and it broke my heart. I realized that I wasn’t ready to be a good partner to someone and had to do some work on myself before I could even begin to look for someone else.
Thoughts of something that could happen in the future, stewing over something that happened in the past, feeling deprived in some way or thoughts that your partner should do something to make you feel good are all thoughts that don’t add love to your relationship. I’ve never once come to the conclusion that making demands, getting angry or manipulation would be the best course of action.
I don’t have to expect him to do anything to make me feel loved because I know that I am loved whenever I choose to feel love. One of the most important things I’ve noticed is that in all things to view your partner as a friend and ally in all ways will create love and closeness almost effortlessly. Everyday I remind myself that it’s my intention to have a happy, close and loving relationship. You must see it at all.Check out the rest of the Quotes About Teenage Love And Relationships images, and the full page gallery as well. If you really like it and want to get another good images related with Cute Love Quotes Tumblr Swag, you can browse in quotes category. The world of men and relationships felt very scary and I was apprehensive when I re-entered the dating world.
With absolute resolve, I vowed that I would have a healthy, happy, close, and loving relationship. All of my relationships greatly improved, including, and especially, my relationship with myself. These words weren’t new to me, but for the first time I understood and felt the truth of them.
Thank you for sharing your story, and wonderful that you have found this path, I agree it is a beautiful journey to be on to be discovering more love, and lessening expectations!


It’s difficult to see someone as they are when we feel that they should be a certain way to please us or fulfill our idea of what a partner should be. This changed after my last long-term relationship ended (one that involved years and years of trying to fix the other and the relationship).
I made the ending of it so much worse with blame and recriminations and have been beating myself up about it ever since, trying to find some way of squaring what I said and did with my own (severely damaged) self respect. I attach myself to those that treat me with neglect and mother than and fix things if they don’t fit.
But in many cases, I found that there were similar themes, and for me, it was when I tried to put these in my own context, I realised what things were. The answer came through my own observation of how my mate reacted to my thoughts and the behaviors that come out of those thoughts. If I continue to think thoughts like this, they pick up momentum and become more frequent and intense. I fully believe that the feeling of happiness comes first from within, regardless of what is going on around you, then the world outside changes.
These are wonderful books and they helped me to change my thinking about how loving relationships function.
I briefly visualize and feel the happy, loving and close relationship that I desire every day. What I’ve found is that when I feel good about my partner and think good thoughts about him, we get along well. Trying to learn from my past mistakes so they don’t happen again and trying to do the things needed to create a more loving relationship. I need to forgive myself, and him, but I have been so stuck in ruminating over the rights and wrongs that I just haven’t been able to get past the pain of the loss.
It is aligned a bit with what you are saying, since I know I have to fix myself, not the relationship, and thus find someone better suited to give back to me. When I’m thinking thoughts and feeling feelings of how he could be better, how he hurt me or what he owes me, things get bad suprisingly quickly.
When I ask myself this, I become aware and I instantly have a new feeling of wanting to love him. When I know that this is true, and I recognize my power to feel good in the moment, then I know and feel the truth of needing nothing outside of myself to complete me.
I’ve found the information to be so useful and I read them often still, but what really turned things around for me was some different practices I learned from these books and other sources. You must have done a lot of self work to get to a point where you can have such a great partner. Sadly when our ego is ruling us, we can only see the flaws and faults with people, rather than just see them as they are…the beauty they hold. When it finally ended I did a lot of soul searching and reflection on my part in the ending of my marriage. The other point of he post I think it is amazing and universal is the fact that when we start to studying something with a goal, we often learn things that change our goal on the road. If I can become aware of my thoughts and feelings, then I can choose to think and feel differently and every single time, the outcome is radically different than if I choose to nurture my unloving thoughts.
That would probably explain why we love our children so much, because we are engaged in constant acts of giving towards them. I guess the take away for me is not that I shouldn’t give, but that I have to work on self-love to know that I deserve a better match (someone who can give and take) in my next relationship. Thoughts of joy, love, peace and appreciation create joy, love, peace and appreciation in your life. These practices altogether take me about an hour a day, but the effect they have on my relationships is amazing. I can honestly say that I am in the most mature, loving and amazing relationship of my life because I was able to get out of my own way and let things happen.
Loving ourselves takes courage, especially if we have been brought up to think badly of ourselves by a judgmental critic as I was, but it’s the only way to be strong and get the most out of life. I am still working every day to make sure that I am being a loving, accepting and support partner and not to fall back into my old habits.
We can hardly be a great partner for someone else and give them the love they deserve if we don’t take care of emotional selves. I can honestly say that without all the struggle I would not be where I am today and I feel so blessed that I have a second chance to have a loving relationship with a man.



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