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It's also a chance for the women we forgot about to showcase their newest hair colors and tightest dresses, and do their darndest to dredge up some semblance of a fan reaction that they can hopefully carry over into an appearance on Bachelor Pad 3: Venereal Island. Tonight's Women Tell All has a special element, to which the in-house audience reacts as though they all just won free cars from Oprah.
Oh look, Princess Erica's back to narrate how being on The Bachelor is essentially the gateway into a co-ed Vegas sex fraternity. Ed, the scuzzy ex-fiance of the beautiful and tragically deceived Jillian Harris, is there to take shots with Brad's rejects, who either didn't watch Jillian's season or think any man is an improvement over the Womack.
Frank the Goblin King from Ali's season is at the reunion, and he hasn't seen Ali since he dumped her for his ex-girlfriend, whom he now lives with inside the Labyrinth. The whole gang o' (memorable) gals is back, including Stripper Blakeley, rapper Emily, dark horse Nicki and sad Southern sweetie pie Kacie B.
Then it's time for a little video refresher of the entire season and its most ridiculous moments, since most of these women were too drunk to remember it directly. Seeing that we just watched Kacie fly all the way to Switzerland to warn Ben again about Courtney, the hypocrisy there should be obvious. The other girls didn't like Blakeley because they thought she was slutty, trashy and too forward. Blakeley says that she doesn't regret how she acted, but she wishes her guard hadn't been up. Samantha continues to go on an unneeded, obnoxious crusade to try to make enemies while insisting she's friends with everybody (yeah, right), this time by criticizing Brittney for opting out of dating Ben, a choice for which she ought to be APPLAUDED. Emily sits down with Chris to discuss the how, why and WTF of falling out of Ben's good graces. First we take a look back at Nicki's weird combination of divorce stigma and blind optimism. Nicki still seems happy that she at least experienced romantic love again, even if Ben didn't feel the same way.
Chris acts as though the show is being generous and fair by letting Courtney come out to defend herself, when we all know this is a strategic move for them to facilitate drama and redeem Ben's (maybe) fiancee. Emily calls Courtney out for acting like she's the only person who had a hard time during this experience, which is definitely what bugs me the most about Courtney's whole apologetic attitude. Blakeley wants her own narcissism to have a chance to shine, so she asks for a personal apology for when Courtney called her a stripper.


So now it's Ben's turn to answer for his bizarre choices and bland behavior all season long. Ben got attacked by a little bird on a boat, Emily got interrupted by a barking dog, and Courtney and Ben got their date hijacked by a hungry Swiss cow. When the girls Ben didn't want to marry, return to answer the questions nobody asked, rehash the drama nobody cares about, and get the closure that, given how long it's been since they dated him and how superficial those relationships were in the first place, nobody needs. But this audience is getting something better than cars: Satiation of their overwhelming Bachelor BLOODLUST.
There's insinuation that they might be reunited on Bachelor Pad 3: No Bras, No Minorities, No Rules.
We take a look again at how, based on a few texts messages, Shawntel was so stupidly convinced that she and Ben were meant to be that she waltzed in and declared her love, only to get roundly rejected by everyone but Chris Harrison.
Now she's more hurt that they called her ugly with big hips than that they called her a bitch. She can't even look when they show clips from her date when she and Ben climbed the Bay Bridge. I don't think it's really our place or our job to be Courtney's moral judge and jury (even though ABC wants us to think that it is, and then loves to shame us for thinking that it is). Yes, it's stupid, but it's still part of your job to pretend you care about these people's feelings, dude. Please consider registering and logging in as that will allow us to get a better feel for how we are doing.
If you were once in the running for a rose and are hot, easy and love to take shots, you're invited. Samantha's voice is like an ice pick in my brain as she attempts to scream her criticisms of the gingerbread man hooker.
When Emily makes the BRILLIANT observation that skinny dipping makes men think of sex instead of love, Chris stands up and says, "I think you've figured out men! She needs a handsome, sweet, dumb Texas lug to treat her right, not a sniveling San Francisco snob like Ben to nervous-laugh at her declarations of love and then surprise-dump her for the mean girl. Not only does she believe that she has license to treat people poorly, but she believes that she has it because she's a special fragile flower. She quietly apologizes to the women, but I think she's trying to pretend that quietness equates with genuine remorse.


Some people, especially people who aren't used to being held accountable for their actions because, say, they're very skinny and pretty and charming, say mean things when they feel insecure or threatened. There is clear indication that both Ryan and Ed will return for Bachelor Pad 3, which should perhaps then be subtitled War of the Smarm.
But who could forget that time that Jamie straddled Ben and tried to teach him how to kiss?
More so than any Bachelor contestant I can remember, she can both pinpoint and articulate exactly why something or someone is irritating or wrong. It doesn't exactly help her case when she says that she's mostly sorry for how this has all affected HER, now that tabloid rumors are tearing her and her family apart. And I won't apologize for getting naked with Courtney those times!" What a gentleman. Soooo, for once, apparently we actually did see the funny stuff (everything Courtney said) during the season. How nice of ABC to give us a close-up, since we're all adults with adult senses of boundaries and dignity and everything.
Erika, who I just remembered has an inner lip tattoo, defends her mean comment about Shawntel's thighs by saying that she doesn't have small thighs, either.
Chris asks who thinks Courtney is being sincere, and who think she's just here to repair her image. For example, Emily asks if Courtney's learned any lessons from this, and her response is, "Yep, completely. Courtney thinks she's the former, maybe because she is, or maybe because she'd rather have us all believe that than the truth.
Either that or Ben's boringness cast a shadow over every element of the season, even the women's alone time in the house. Then we watch as Ben stands atop a Swiss mountaintop, holding a ring and trying to decide which of the two women he's in love with is the one he's REALLY, truly, put-a-ring-on-it in love with.
But in the end, it doesn't really matter which she is, because both types of people need work, and whether she ever changes isn't really our problem.



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