Love, sex and relationships are some of the most discussed topics across every gender, age group, and nationality. What makes a good marriage?” I once posed this question to a 99 year old man with some experience in this matter. My husband and I consulted a counselor early on in our relationship who had been assisting couples for over 35 years. The hard work of a relationship hinges on identifying these core issues and getting good at recognizing when they are running the show.
But if one of you is able to stop and give the other some compassion, really try to see the other person’s hurt, the steam goes right out of the fight. To this day, I wince when I recall how our therapist used to fall asleep during our sessions. Long-lasting love pays off as the years go by and this mutual emotional fluency gets better and better.  A simple gesture of understanding may suffice, instead of a sentence.
There seem to be almost as many quotes about relationships as there are molecules in the universe.  While most people’s ponderings on this subject matter are riddled with fallacies there are a few philosophers of love that speak the absolute truth.
She taught us that all couples have three or four basic conflicts that they fight over and over again.
Unfortunately, the surface details of an argument tend to provide a compelling distraction from what really needs to be addressed. Something different happens, something interesting, instead of the same fight over and over again.


She was in her late seventies and admitted to some problems with insomnia, but the primary source of her sleepiness was boredom. We were standing in our garage, arguing over some trivial arrangement before getting into the car. It is not that our three or four basic fights ceased arising, but we became more conscious of when we were in the grip of them. Share this empowering narrative on your social network of choice and ask others to do the same. The content changes superficially, but certain fundamental issues can be detected underneath as the source of the energizing animosity or hurt.
Even petty grievances feel entirely valid and worthy of complaint, especially one’s own, and any suggestion that old hurts from years ago could be at play are easily swept aside with passionate justifications about current circumstances.
We kept marching in there, week after week, re-playing the same few basic arguments with almost no self-awareness. Suddenly, I saw that my husband’s fury contained echoes of a loneliness from his boyhood, and I felt a surge of sympathy for him. Fairly often, one of us would notice mid-fight that we were back into our pattern and would back down.  More and more, we employed humor to call off the conflict. Share or message your boyfriend with the best quotes to make him remember you all the time. She convinced us that these undercurrents almost always arise from each partner’s family of origin.


We could both see how the other’s old family issues might be coloring the current conflict, but we refused to examine our own contributions from early life. Then, no longer needing to defend myself against anger I could comprehend, I saw how I had fallen into an old outrage against unfairness that had nothing to do with him. Our therapist rarely fell asleep in our sessions, once we were willing and eager to delve into the underlying issues rather than reside in the relative safety of the trivial.
It is no wonder that she slipped into much-needed rest while we engaged in fruitless repetition. I dropped my counter-assault, apologized for my prior insensitivity, and put my arms around him. We got down to the hard work of building an intimacy that would not only endure but would grant us both the supreme relief of growing beyond the stuck places in ourselves.
What all of these quotes about love have in common is that they are all wise and they will make you smile. The long-awaited feeling of having been seen and understood dissolved his anger, and my tenderness opened up his heart in a way that had never happened between us before.



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