I have lots of people ask me how the audition for America’s Got Talent Show went last Saturday, so here goes!
IF I WERE ENLIGHTENED – After two false starts and the loss of 10,000 views, the final version of ‘If I Were Enlightened’ is up on my youtube channel.
CREATIVITY-1-OH-FUN – I have a webinar coming up in March called Creativity-1-OH-FUN. BEST FRIENDS FOREVER – Keep your eye out also for a little video I shot recently which is a conversation of hand puppets between two best friends. Have you ever been so nervous, your thought your guts were going to come out of your throat and land on the floor? If ever there was a comedy of errors, it would have been last saturday when literally thousands of performers, accompanied by their friends and families, gathered to see if they have what it takes to go on to the LA auditions of America’s Got Talent. I brought six of my original cast members to back me up in their dirndl aprons, knee socks and rose petals. About thirty minutes prior to my audition time, I got a call from one of the cast members saying she had wrecked her car just minutes away from the event. We got our wristbands and were sent upstairs to fill out the necessary paperwork and then lead to a waiting area. The others members in my cast visited with people around them, but I meditated so as not be overwhelmed by the pounding in my chest and the sweat on my palms. The gracious producer grinned and made a joke which broke the tension and created a sense of fun and ease. I came back and the assistant said they were about to break for lunch and we had to go in next no matter what. Now, no one has eaten anything and it’s approaching 2:30 so stomachs are rumbling and blood sugars are creating a bit of edginess. We lost my sister and two of my back up singers before we got to go in to the audition for the biggies. At 8:30 pm, I was more wiped out than I have been in eons and asked the cute, young cowboy singer who I had made friends with earlier to drop me off in Oakland on his way to Petaluma.
Amara would lie in bed for hours at a time meditating, making orgasmic sounds with her eyes rolled back in her head and her body gyrating about from the ‘downloads’ of energy she would claim to receive. At one point I met a man in television who upon hearing about our household, wanted to do a reality show about us. Accepting and appreciating ourselves despite what the mirror, or the world, or our own inner critic, has to say – isn’t that exactly what we need to do?
And the new video, ‘If I Were Enlightened’ makes light of the long and crazy journey so many of us take to feel better about ourselves only to give up and realize we were fine all along. So… we totally rushed to get the replacement video out after realizing the wrong sound file had been used and the beautiful sound tracks that my engineers had made, sounded tinny and pretty darn lousy. I was worried all those views were going to be lost and felt I needed to rush to get the new version uploaded ASAP!
What a ridiculous joke… rushing to find a solution is as silly as a fish looking for a drink of water! The rushing itself creates the inability to remember to slow down, breathe and be present with what is. Many people, when I told them I was going on retreat last November, sent me a private message and asked me what kind of retreat I was attending and with whom. Sometimes life gives me opportunities to find out what works for me by exposing me to what doesn’t. To me, a true and effective teacher doesn’t give me answers, but knows I have my own and encourages me to find them within myself. My first encounter with Igor was at the Science and Non-Duality Conference in San Jose, CA. I was just a short drive form the conference so I came down a little early to check out some of the world-renowned speakers and cutting-edge workshops.
I was crossing a courtyard when out of the corner of my eye I saw a gentle, soft-spoken man with long, salt and pepper hair talking to about a dozen people who were leaning in, listening intently. I had no intention of stopping, but as I walked past, my body halted and then turned towards the small gathering. Now this may sound a bit odd, the body moving with a mind of its own, but I’ve actually put a great deal of time, energy and effort into what I call living ‘from the neck down’. I also have to say that learning to live from the neck down is NOT for the faint of heart, especially if there has been substantial trauma in early life.
In my mid forties, I picked up a book called ‘Open Focus Brain’ by Dr Les Fehmi and started sobbing when I read it. As I learned to relax out of an emergency state of attending, I began to see I had never been in the present moment and the present moment is the only place true well-being resides.
I began to realize that the physical pain the body had been in for over thirty years had actually been kept in place by the incessant thinking and stressful emotional states.
I learned to turn my attention again and again and again from the spinning mind to the felt sense of the body until I started to be able to feel what was happening below the neck. It was as if every cell in the body was finally given the space to be felt and this feeling registered in the mind as something terribly wrong. So it was in my fifth year of this energetic experience that my body sat me down with Igor Kafayev in that courtyard at SAND. Igor only talked for about ten minutes before we dispersed for dinner, but that was enough time to know that this meeting was divinely ordained. When Igor came into the room, my tears started falling and ran down my face for three solid hours. When the talk was over I went up to him and pretty much lost it the way many people do when they’ve been carrying something terribly heavy and someone finally understands.
I was given not only very practical tools to work with the intense felt sense I experienced, but was given a new perspective that allowed me to welcome rather than fear what was happening. The things I learned at the retreat are too numerous to name, but I will leave you with a few thoughts. There was a tangible sweetness at the retreat, in Igor, in his family and in the people that attended. Now, I am not someone who has had a lot of mystical experiences, despite the fact that I engage in many practices in which many people do have them. The deeper I went into my spiritual practice, the more it became obvious that in the BIG picture, there wasn’t really anything for me to forgive. I do not think it was a coincidence the deeper this understanding went, the more my tattoo faded. That simple distinction brought an answer to the life long question of why, for the most part, I had felt miserable on the inside. As I reflected on this past year last night, I noticed again how easily things flow when I am for giving and how much they don’t when I am for getting. What if the deeper meaning of ‘giving up’ is actually to give and to give ‘up’ as in to lift something to a higher state? I commit to walking away from anyone or anything or any situation in which I am not being treated or I am not treating someone with respect. I commit to resting when my body is tired, eating when it is hungry, feeding it only foods that calm and nourish it, eating for health and not the tastebuds, moving when the body feels stagnant (including taking frequent breaks when at the computer), stretch when it is tight, move when it wants to move. I commit to creating community where I live and to spend time each day connecting in person with people I love and care about. I commit to saying what is so for me in every moment regardless of who I am with in a kind and respectful way. Shortly after launching ‘Older Ladies’ in June of 2014, a single mom in San Angelo TX raising two teen age boys by making tutus (yep, tutus!) sent me the sweetest letter of appreciation.
Not only did Crystle go so far as to create her own web server to promote me, she contacted just about every radio station in the country to see if they would give ‘Older Ladies’ air play . When the boys saw how much their mother believed in what I was doing and how hard she was working on top of everything else, they jumped on the Donnalou bandwagon and helped Crystle help me. So, you’ve seen me with my tutus in various pictures and my new video, “If I Were Enlightened.” I get tutu care packages all the time and I am living proof that tutus are not just for ballerinas anymore! After a couple of more rounds in the relationship boxing ring, I realized my ‘picker’ was pretty much broken and when it came to men, I did not choose wisely for myself.
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Travel deals Hall of Fame jockey Gary Stevens announced Thursday on HRTV that he needs knee replacement surgery and expects to be sidelined for six months. Hall of Fame jockey Gary Stevens was seated on a bench at Del Mar near the stable area racing office the morning of Aug. Die Zweifel und Unsicherheiten der Jugend sind uberwunden, der Druck und der Stress des Arbeitslebens vorbei. I decided not to push it during the holidays, but feel enough time has passed to ask for your support in breathing a little life back into its sails.
All but two of us decided to ride down together since it was a relatively short drive and my sister came along in support. In a few minutes, we followed the AGT volunteer downstairs where we were immediately told to go back upstairs. I gave instructions that I I wanted them to come in the back door to the room at the end to keep the element of surprise to the yodeling part. No sooner had I entered, the rest of the cast did too, right after I had given specific instructions not to. The people in my cast and my sister who had previous plans are starting to get nervous as the clock ticks on and on.
I don’t believe in mistakes or failures anymore… just opportunities to be gentle and to learn to become more gracious.

Often times I would have to move a few post-its around in order to see myself in the mirror. She would have conversations with Jesus, angels and other ascended masters and often tell me what parts I played in her past lives.
Before inviting friends over, she would give us very direct and specific instructions to ‘act normal’, refrain from acting like lesbians (which we weren’t), and not to engage in any deep eye contact with her or any of her friends.
And boy, I wish that sentiment had been tattooed somewhere obvious when I was running around lately creating so many self-imposed DEADlines, making myself stressed and crazy for NO SANE REASON. In the rushing, a low resolution version of the video was published and no one on the team noticed.
I noticed for me, rushing actually creates more thinking, and solutions never lie in thought! It’s not about what I do and what I can get, but more about what I learn and what I can give. If you don’t, then watch out for the next one and we’ll all do it again, only this time taking our time and enjoying every step of the way… sans rushing. A great teacher gets ‘behind me’ so to speak and pushes the answers out of my own heart so that I may bear witness to them.
They can tell me where the pot holes lie and even how to go around them, but in the end, they are friends who have no preference as to whether I take their guidance or not because they trust that I have everything I need to make my own way and at times, have to discover things on my own. When I got there though, it was such a gorgeous day, I was more drawn to hang outside in the sunshine and soak up the beauty of the grounds, the chirping of the birds and the shiny energy of the people walking by.
I didn’t think anything about this; people connecting in this way is a big part of what the SAND conference is about. A woman sitting a couple of seats to Igor’s right looked up and when her eye caught mine, a smile that was sweeter than sunshine itself spread across her face.
That means I listen and trust the inherent voice of the body over the conditioned responses of the mind. There is a reason the mind races and for me that reason was to pull attention away from the felt sense because it was too overwhelming to feel.
I’d spent a life time thinking something was terribly wrong with me both emotionally and physically.
My blessed body was screaming at me to listen to it instead of the spinning thoughts, begging me to come down, to come home into it, but in an emergency state with attention glued upon fearful mind chatter, that was impossible. It became disarming and frightening, even though the physical and emotional pain I experienced lessened. It felt as if the whole world were falling apart even though it was evident nothing in the immediate environment was being disturbed.
I found myself saying to the people closest to me, ‘I wish you could somehow feel what I’m going through’, but none of them could or can. And the moment I started listening, he was talking about the energetic disturbances that can occur with awakening if one does not have proper counsel. There were many who had similar experiences to mine and Igor was able to instill in each of us the knowing that what we were experiencing was to be trusted, not feared. There are still many, many days when I need to be reminded that the things I feel are friend and not foe.
One of my favorite things is when words, whose meaning I have always taken for granted, all of a sudden reveal a deeper significance. The first time I ever did a period of silence, the theme that arose out of it was forgiveness. I noticed that often the biggest and most potent heart education came from the most challenging circumstances. Over the course of the next year or so, what had started off as a deep red-brown tattoo became slightly raised and white, looking more like a brand than a tat! As I said, not a lot of phenomenal experiences typically accompany my meditations, but on this occasion, I found the body enveloped in a very intense energy that was similar in size and shape to the tube of light that beamed the characters on the Star Trek holodeck to other dimensions. I contemplated the concept of New Year’s Resolutions and thought about how many people try to give something up only to fail and perpetuate some story of deficiency. For me, the words ‘giving up’ used to mean I had to sacrifice something with white knuckled effort and if I failed, I was ‘bad’.
What if resolutions are actually about our own evolution and lifting us back up to our natural state of giving?
In it, she told me I had deeply touched her and she offered to do what she could to help me spread the word of Older Ladies. I wore the Autumn tutu on Thanksgiving Day in the Castro of San Francisco and I was the envy of many little girls and cross dressers! I wrote it many years ago when my Texan upbringing was being shaken with a good does of California New Age spirituality.
With that, I took very lengthy hiatus from any romantic or sexual interactions, declaring ’As long as I am that person in relationship, I won’t be in one.”And I turned my attention towards creating a relationship with me.
If you would be so kind as to like and share it again from this link, I sure would appreciate it. There were people everywhere and the energy of nervousness and excitement was palpable… I met singers, dancers, comedians, stunt men, animal psychics, ventriloquists and even an arrow catcher! Originally I had been told since I had a scheduled audition time, I would be in and out of there in two hours, so I let everyone know to plan accordingly.
You have to be a little more professional and walk out there like you’re in front of 8 million people.
After nearly an hour, I tell the woman at the desk they told me 30 minutes and she just laughed. She would sing spontaneous love songs to her body at the top of her lungs when showering and float about the house singing love songs to herself and to the world. Because I am committed to being good to myself and walking my talk, I actually did stop and look. We were 2K views into this second version of the video, when the camera crew notified me of the issue. I think perhaps when the stakes are high, the lessons are more quickly and deeply assimilated.
There is a beautiful video at the end where I am featured talking about my experience with Igor Kufayev if you’d like to skip the text and watch it.
I was really looking forward to hearing the story of how this woman went from being a devout atheist to publishing a book of a dialogue between her and God. I saw that preaching happens when someone attempts to teach without an invitation to do so and requires people to believe rather than to have a direct experience! For a long time I believed what others told me without question and I dare that is precisely what prevented me from knowing myself. It was a brilliant survival tactic as a child, but as an adult, it doesn’t work; it just adds fuel to an already painful fire.
Externally, my body was in a tremendous amount of pain starting at the age of 19 for no apparent reason. The more I learned to relax the way I was looking and the way I was listening, the more present I became. Thoughts would tell me I was sad or angry or depressed, but I forced myself to look beneath those definitions and found that those words were blanket labels given for a particular group of sensations.
The sensations were so intense at times, it felt as though I was having a heart or a panic attack. This juxtaposition of the agitation felt in my inner world and the calm I witnessed in the outer world was very disconcerting. I began to hide the experience because if it is spoken about, the feelings are perceived as a problem and then they seek to help or fix me. Someone told me he was having a post-conference talk the next day, so decided to come back. It is grace.” He held me in that embrace until the wave of emotion settled some and then urged me to find a way to stay in touch.
The sweetness and grace of Igor’s presence and teachings were hugely transformative for many of the participants. I was so moved by what I experienced during those 4 days of not talking, when it was over, I wanted to do something to ensure I would remember what had been so beautifully revealed. I realized if I was truly able to see the gift in what happened to me, there was most often very little, if anything that needed to be forgiven. I felt kind of silly running around having an indelible mark on my chest that was no longer completely true for me. I grew up Catholic, but was not taught about Catholicism in a way that made me want to participate in it (or any other) religion. The longer I sat there, the more intense it grew, so I took that as an opportune time to ask a pertinent question. The false emergency state I was in most of the time gave the illusion that I was chronically missing something. Maybe if our wishes for the New Year were all about ‘for giving’ and not ‘for getting’, they would be effortless indeed. Well, considering I was pretty much doing all the promotion single handedly, I graciously accepted and it was a funny little dance doing something neither one of us had ever done before.
Bless my gullible heart; I use to try anything to relieve the chronic pain I felt in my body and the emptiness I felt in my heart.
That old saying “You cannot truly love someone else until you love yourself” was absolutely spot on and I found out what I thought was love was anything but.
When the search for love ‘out there’ finally ended and I turned inward, that’s when love started to show its ‘real’ face. The singer took to Twitter to vent, before assuring his crowd he’d make good on a promise to play BankPlus Amphitheater. AND, I have a new blog below this one called the ‘Wrath of Rushing’ sharing the powerful lesson I learned from that experience.

Jimmy got the guys that used to play with Willy Nelson to do the music and it sounds FANTASTIC! My sister intuited she needed to take her car since she had very important plans at 6pm that night, but I assured her we would be done in plenty of time. We sat down in the waiting area with a hundred other people who were trying their best not to let their nerves get to them.
No one with me had the song without my vocals because they needed the vocal tracks to be able to sing their parts! They asked me to stay yet again and do a little more filming, so I sent my cast on their way and told them I would figure out how to get home on my own. She would make more of those orgasmic sounds every time she ate, no matter what she was eating. It now has over 7 million views so I guess there are a lot of people who are inspired to go against what our conditioning tells us and rejoice in who we are no matter what we look like. In doing so, I saw the total ridiculousness of rushing and the total wisdom of slowing down and recognizing the world is not going to end (like my mind says it is going to) if I relax and take my time. My engineers graciously said I could put a disclaimer on the video, but I did not want to do that. It would seem that there is little or no distinction between a teacher and the teaching itself. Learning to ignore the cacophony of worrisome thoughts and to rely upon the natural signals of the body to guide my life was a long, intense and extremely important journey. Internally, I suffered from an early onset of hurt, rage and self-loathing that resulted in a 14 year long eating disorder that no one knew about. I found this to be true of all emotions and that emotions seemed dependent on stories about the past or future, but sensations always happened in present time! I was concerned enough about it that I went to my doctor, who luckily had had his own spiritual awakening process, and as I suspected, everything was just fine. Despite all this, in the deepest part of my being, I knew that even though thoughts were making villains out of these feelings, they were not. No one really understood why Igor’s workshop was scheduled at the very end conference when most participants had already left and the event was being torn down.
Igor reeks of sweet humility and wants nothing more than to gently walk the people around him into the beautiful way he views life. For me, if ever there is proof that someone is walking the talk, it is evidenced in the faces of his children. And the more I remember that whatever I feel is divinity in disguise and is there for the sole purpose of guiding me back to my own heart, the more I am willing to let everything be as it is. How could I have possibly not seen that before?” The best example I can give of this happened some years ago with words ‘forgiving’ and ‘forgetting’. I thought about getting the Chinese symbol for the word forgiveness tattooed over my heart on the drive home.
When I was little, I remember asking things like “Why do I have to go through a priest to have God to forgive my sins? In order to survive, my life unconsciously became about getting something… getting love, getting approval, getting attention. Crystle Martinez and her sons have proven to be three of the most amazing people I have ever come across. Ohhhh, that’s the fancy name for what we Texans call ‘sleeping with more than one person at a time’ and being up front about it. Fakt ist: Die Gesellschaft suggeriert alteren Menschen immer wieder, zum "alten Eisen" zu gehoren.
I would like to find a sponsor rather than do another crowd funding campaign at this point, but we’ll see.
They chatted with me for a moment and asked me about the success of ‘Older Ladies’ and what my normal job was.
One would think by listening to her ecstatic outcries, that she was perhaps feasting on amazing and extraordinary delicacies from the world’s most exotic places. Have you ever stopped to see that the increased heart rate, the sense of urgency and the spinning thoughts that accompany rushing do not contribute one iota of benefit to a situation, but actually make things a lot worse?
Maybe “Enlightened’ was just made to give me the lesson of slowing down, taking my time and not acting out of a place of distress. Instead of telling us her story, she started channeling, telling us about who we are and how things ‘should’ be according to God.
Like the blades of a fan that appear to be a solid thing until they slow, I started to see there was a gap between each thought that had never been noticed before.
The feelings started arising many times a day, and were so intense, if I did not stop whatever I was doing and become very still, everything I was engaged in would go awry. Even though it was almost impossible to remember this when the feelings reached peak intensity, it seemed a teeny spark of trust gave me the courage to keep going, to keep feeling. Because everything had gone so awry the two weeks prior to the conference in regards to the new crowd funding campaign and new video I was trying to launch, I had already made the decision to postpone both and take some time off. All circumstances, no matter the painful or pleasant wrapping paper they were delivered in, were gifts from life to learn to open my heart more fully.
A priest is not closer to God than I am.” Thinking like that got me into all kinds of trouble! It was a hard but very enlightening pill to swallow when I realized even my giving was usually done in order to get something. Well, in my new found, new age reasoning, it made all the spiritual sense in the world and I set out to transcend my reptilian brain and human conditioning. Even though it was crowded, they seemed to have the system nailed, so I wondered if something was amiss. I needed some fresh air after all that, so I asked for the keys to the van we rode down in, grabbed my sister and we went to get my computer. On the contrary, I’d walk into the kitchen and upon her plate was nothing more than a few mini carrots, half an aging bell pepper, some lettuce with nothing on it and a few semi-wrinkled grapes.
That’s the whole point!” (To this day, I am quite positive we would all be millionaires by now if I only could have talked Amara into giving her consent! In the night time when I would lay down to sleep, in the mornings upon awakening or when I sat down to meditate, it’s as if the feelings knew somehow they were going to be given attention and would surge to the fore with the force of a hurricane. And courage is exactly what it took to stop, to look and to keep surrendering to what I was feeling over and over and over again.
I told myself I’d pull over and if a tattoo studio was close and easy to find, I’d go for it.
Sometimes I’d forget to bring my chapel veil to school for mass and the nuns would would try to force me to bobby pin a kleenex to the top of my head to be reverent. No matter what it was, I’d take a full breath and dive right off the deep end with complete, ignorant abandon into whatever ‘method de jour’ was being offered.
I convinced myself it was ‘the universe’ presenting me with a keen opportunity to rise above my mortal coils (and common sense). In ihrem Lied "Older Ladies" verbreitet sie die Botschaft: "Ich bin nicht mehr 16 und auch keine Schonheitskonigin. Of course neither of us have any sense of direction and were a little on edge, so when we got to the parking lot, we had no idea where we had parked! Could you please turn it up and let me start over?” BAM, BAM, BAM, went my heart against the wall of my chest. When I read ‘Open Focus Brain’, I was struck by a profound realization that helped me turn the corner forever.
The more I did, the larger the gap grew and the defense system of cyclical thinking that kept painful feelings at bay started to weaken.?? Igor touched a bit upon what he had spoken about in the courtyard, but this talk addressed another subject. I would refuse and rebel, insisting that God cared a lot more about what was in my heart than what was on top of on my head and certainly would not advocate the use of a stupid kleenex to determine my degree of reverence! For a year I did every transcendental spiritual gyration I possibly could before facing the simple fact that “Uh, this really doesn’t work for me. I learned that nothing was wrong with me, but something was amiss with the lens of perception through which I viewed life. I knew the deeper truths even as a child, but somehow along the way, they got beaten out of me and buried under unquestioned convention until much later in life. I assured her I would call Jeff, the other person who was bringing his own car and we would make the best of it.
I will do what I can, let that be enough and feel proud of what I have created and learned. That was like suggesting I sit in an icy, raging stream, my hands hanging onto rocks for dear life and pay attention to the empty sky and not the cold, rushing water. I went in, selected the symbol, chose some henna-colored ink, bared my chest, gritted my teeth a bit and got my first ever tattoo. Luckily, I got him when he was not far away from her at all, so he agreed to do the ‘friend fetch.’ They arrived with 8 minutes to spare. The actual manner in which I was paying attention got skewed and my attention was stuck in an emergency mode.
I thought it was kind of cool the Chinese symbol for forgiveness is a combination of 3 other symbols, woman, heart and mouth. I was completely unaware of any of this because since birth I was in critical alert and a crisis mode was the water I swam in.

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