To me wanting free of the living a life in the scratch and dent corner.A  To no longer live on the Island of Misfit Toys.
I certainly have drank enough alcohol and done enough drugs to kill her, myself, and a small village. On top of it being vastly unfair, I believe it is not in my best interest to do so.A  She holds the key to everything. Sure, she knows all the terror and despair of what happened.A  She knows it on a level that the me of today does not. But in addition to remembering how it felt and was to live in hell, she is the child from before the descent into the unimaginable.
She knows how to do the things that I want to re-learn.A  The things that I have had the pleasure of holding in my palm for awhile from watching my sons and being their mother.
Things like joy and barefeet in grass and the smell of springtime and clean light and innocence. Emotions are messy, by and large, and I like things to be tidy and neat.A  Not to mention they are scurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry!A  Like monsters wif big teefs and witches with long green fingernails who want to scratch your eyebanols out.


Sexual abuse by a family member is a form of incest and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma, especially in the case of parental incest. Research has shown that traumatic stress, including stress caused by sexual abuse, causes notable changes in brain functioning and development.[72][73] Various studies have suggested that severe child sexual abuse may have a deleterious effect on brain development. Some studies indicate that sexual or physical abuse in children can lead to the overexcitation of an undeveloped limbic system.[77] Teicher et al. I have read this in other places besides wikipedia, so it’s not like I doubt the validity of it.A  And if we accept that such is true, then WHY THE FUCK BOTHER WITH TRYING TO GET FREE OF ANY OF THIS? In other words, if I think it was as bad as it was, that means that I have to acknowledge all those nasty after-effects.
What would be the point in fighting demons that you KNOW full well going in are going to win?
A bare minimum of my stepfather, and my stepfather’s brother were at the 4th of July parade.
Christ in a sidecar, I’d rather drive a rusty railroad spike into my left temple than attend a support group.


In retrospect, I used a couple of words to describe my mother that are filled with negative energy. And lest anyone get confused, this has nothing to do with trying to avoid feelings or reactions that this childhood clusterfuck brings to life.
All that could lead to a very lengthy post about the internal war that I feel on forgiveness and letting go.
Reports of child sexual abuse were associated with a 49% increase to LSCL-33 scores, 11% higher than the associated increase of self-reported physical abuse.




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