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09.02.2014
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All requests for behavior should start with, “I need you to” rather than questions such as, “Would you please” or “Would you like to” which imply a choice. For steps that are completed with cooperation, use heartfelt appreciation to show that you are noticing and valuing her actions. Include any special rituals in the bedtime routine that the children deem important, and that are acceptable to you. Requests for extending the reading time will be lovingly denied when lights out time has arrived.
When my youngest son was four years old, he had severe nightmares and was afraid to go to sleep. If the child seems too old for the blanket, doll, or stuffed animal, do not be the one to decide whether it is time to give it up. Alan and Alicia Elberg had had it with their children, Madison, age 6, and Josh, 11, at bedtime.
The Elbergs had their first family meeting, and included their children in creating solutions for the bedtime routine. The Elbergs wrote out the kids’ rules that started with “no.” Their list included no whining, no dawdling, and no getting out of bed, no bothering your sibling, no calling for mom or dad, no arguing, and no excuses. The Elbergs decided that lights would go out at the designated time and that Alan and Alicia will continue with their evening’s activities.
Alan and Alicia expressed their heartfelt appreciation for a great meeting to both children and to each other. Ava has had her fear realized, too, and responds defensively with, “You are always blaming me for things that are not my fault! The cycle of angry communication, fueled on thoughts of the past, has just widened the rift between mom and daughter. Ava comes into the room, sensing that her mom is relaxed, but being stressed herself, she says the same accusatory thing: “Where’s my blue fleece?  I can’t find it anywhere!
The present moment is enomously effective in healing the relationship with a troubled teen, or any child for that matter.  To learn more about applying the present moment through parent coaching, click here. When a grade-schooler refuses to do his homework, it’s not likely that he is simply lazy. Rather than exhibit anger over disrespectful behavior, acknowledge there’s an emotion that the child cannot express directly lying just under the surface. Subscribe to O, The Oprah Magazine for up to 72% OFF what others pay on the newsstand — that's like getting 19 FREE issues! However, caring for an elderly parent isn’t always easy, especially if they are suffering from memory loss, cognitive impairment, physical disabilities or a combination of ailments.
In some cases, parents that feel frustrated by their child trying to take care of them can turn somewhat abusive. When you’re dealing with an abusive parent, the first step is sitting down with them and calmly talking about how their actions are affecting you. If that doesn’t work, you may need to calmly exit the situation for a while so your parent can realize everything you do for them isn’t a burden.
While anger and abuse are not the same thing, many elderly individuals who suffered from anger or rage issues may get worse as they age. To deal with a parent who often seems angry or full of rage, it’s important to identify what could be causing those issues. In some cases, simply talking to your parent about the source of their frustration and anger, and helping them find solutions, is all that’s really necessary. Not all elderly individuals have hygiene issues of course, but some begin to neglect daily responsibilities like bathing, brushing their teeth and putting on clean clothes in the morning. If your parent is not responsive to the conversation but still continues with poor hygiene habits, you may need to help them slowly.
Taking care of an elderly parent can be a stressful task, especially when issues like abuse and anger start to creep up.
While that might sound selfish, it will actually give you some time and distance to figure out how to help your parent with their issue. Parenting Coach Tina Feigal understands that parents need quick, easy-to-remember tips on dealing with child behavior problems. The whole parenting e-book is only 111 pages long!  And some of pages are charts, reminder slips, and hints on the words to use to end child behavior problems.  After all, isn’t that what you’re looking for –  how to talk to your child in a way that gains his cooperation?  Wouldn’t you love to know that you can be an effective parent without all the screaming, reminding, nagging, anger, and cynicism that doesn’t work, but makes the situation worse? If your child has ADHD, attachment disorder, oppositional defiance disorder (ODD), giftedness, sensory integration disorder, or no diagnosis at all but is just hard to handle, don’t wait any longer.  Tina’s book brings relief for child behavior problems. Preview ebook and open the sample ebook on each of your intended devices before continuing.
Choice of what ebook reading app to use is yours, we only present a few common apps that several customers of ours have preferred. If you want grateful, generous kids, put more of your effort into fostering their gratitude and generosity than into trying to please them. Using the same technique you would with a respected adult, ask your child if she will be available at 7 p.m.
You might say something like, “I have noticed that we are having trouble settling down without an argument at bedtime. This creates a powerful heart-to-brain neural pathway for goodness, which strengthens the desired behavior significantly. Younger children should go to bed earlier than the older ones if there is an age difference of two years or more.
Make a comment such as, “It makes me so proud to see that you love to read this much, Honey, but tomorrow is another day, and you can read during any free time you have. As part of including your child in the solution, have him go with you to the store and pick out a special one. They were in a constant state of disruption and sleep deprivation especially from Josh’s behavior.


They made sure that they paid close attention to the input and used a talking piece for the meeting.
Although these rules struck Alicia and Alan as a bit more harsh than they had envisioned, they thought about the pleasant nature of an evening without these behaviors, and decided to go for it. They followed through with more appreciative expressions the next morning by saying, “I just love it that this is the way we do bedtimes now! No doubt it is extra energy out-put, but the amount of energy is about the same as the energy expended on negativity, and in contrast, it actually results in great improvements! She then lays into her mother with, “Where’s my blue fleece?  I can’t find it anywhere!  What did you do with it?”  Sara has just had her fear realized, and responds with a defensive, “Ava, I’ve told you a thousand times that I am not in charge of your clothes. If you want cooperative behavior from your kids, take the short-cut by training your mind to see what’s beneath the communication. Kids get hurt a lot easier than most adults realize, so they are compelled to protect their tender hearts by lashing out. It will be an emotion that the child is too young or too immature to express directly, such as hurt, frustration, disappointment, hopelessness, or something else you can help to identify. For many, it’s simply a fact of life – a responsibility to care for family members that cared for and supported you. Some elderly individuals even become very difficult to deal with on a daily basis because of these issues. It just means you need to develop more effective strategies for dealing with the difficulties that can accompany caring for aging parents.
A lot of the time it isn’t because of actual disdain or hatred for their child, it’s because they are upset with the situation – the fact that their children have to care for them at all.
Most of the time parents aren’t engaging in abusive behavior consciously, so simply telling them how their actions feel to you may be enough to help correct many of the issues.
In some cases, personality traits that were already there but under the surface will become magnified. Is your parent suffering from chronic pain, a lack of motivation or the loss of a job or ability to perform a certain hobby they’ve always loved?
If your parent falls into this category, it can seem like a very sensitive subject that’s hard to talk about with them. Let them know you’ve noticed they haven’t been caring for themselves the way they used to and ask them why. When they do, it’s important to take a step back from your caregiving duties and take a little bit of time for yourself. Even a day or two away can be hugely beneficial, and it could help your parent realize all that you do for them and in turn they may treat you better in the future.
Kopelwicz at last puts an end to  this pointless—and erroneous—cycle of blame and helps parents get the help they need for their troubled children.
Rules should start with “no”: no getting out of bed once the light is out, no asking for more time, no stalling, no negotiating, no whining, no bothering your sister, no crying, no excuses.
The break should take place in the bed, since that is where the child needs to be, and should last 30 seconds. It may take a few nights of this clarity for the child to adjust to the routine, but it will be well worth the effort. To communicate respect for her process, indicate that you are as bought in to the ritual as is the child; be sure to remind her to say goodnight to the fish if she forgets. Some nightlights are in the shape of child-friendly characters, but young imaginations can turn them ugly in the night. We sprayed the room every night for a few months, and that, with some gentle reassurance, took care of the nightmares. It hurts no one for him to hang on until it’s time to let go, and may be a crucial aide in his emotional development.
He was getting out of bed after lights out, arguing that he was not being treated fairly, saying he was scared, and insisting on more water and food.
Whoever has the talking piece at the moment gets the full attention of the others with no interruptions.
Each child gave input to the bathroom routine, which ended up with Madison brushing her teeth and using the bathroom first, and Josh following with a nighttime shower to make the morning routine more simple.
Parents soon realize that the forethought and follow-through they give to bedtimes pay off in a huge way, and they get hooked. For the past three days, Ava has been cranky, mouthy, belligerent and nasty.  Sara steels herself, with subtle body stiffening, for Ava’s upcoming comment about something that’s upsetting her. Children misbehave because they lack the communication skills and insight to tell us what’s really happening.
Our first impulse as parents is to make him seethat he needs to get the work done so he can be successful.
He needs to make his own decisions, and we are inadvertently calling him incompetent whenever we advise him. Practice seeing your child’s innocence first, and working to understand what lies beneath the foul language, the time spent with the door locked, and the “interesting” style of dress.
If we don’t give them cause to protect themselves (by seeing what’s really going on) they won’t have to be so defensive.
The Watch OWN app is free and available to you as part of your OWN subscription through a participating TV provider.
Tina realizes that if you have a two-week guide to follow, you can easily start and keep going until the child behavior problems are resolved.
This gives the child a sense of being respected and also infuses a feeling of importance into a family issue. Only let’s do that without the yelling!  Would you kids like that?  “Yes!” will be the reply.
Children know what the rules are, and the ones they offer will typically be more stringent than yours. No energy (no talking, no negotiating, no engagement of any sort) should be directed to the child during the break. If you have four or more children, you may want to make bedtime more uniform so that you assure your adult time at the end of the day. Rituals are very important for children’s transition to the next activity, especially at bedtime.
If your child has not ascribed these characteristics to the stuffed animal of choice, it is all right to gently suggest them. And never make a decision about the appropriateness of a lovie based on the child’s gender.


By the time the battles had been fought over each of these issues, Alan and Alicia were so exhausted and angry that they were at the end of their rope. When finished, that person passes the talking piece to the next person and then gives him full, uninterrupted attention. And once the children realize that their bedtime routine is solid and predictable, their need to test the limits diminishes significantly, and the chaotic bedtime scenes subside.
Sara doesn’t turn to Ava, but just stays facing the cake batter on the counter with a firm resolve not to engage her daughter. Use the child’s rules religiously whenever practical, as this creates buy-in, which strengthens the likelihood that the rules will be followed.
If the child refuses to take a break, say, “The break starts when you are calm, and as soon as you make it start, it can end,” with the firm conviction that you have decided that it is bedtime, and there will be no change in your decision.  This system builds a sense of security in the child. Every time you do this stuff, I feel like you are making this house such a wonderful place to live!” Using the formula “When you … I feel … because …” for this feedback makes remembering how to deliver it much easier.
They provide a sense of continuity and comfort, which is vitally important to raising healthy kids. Of course, if your child has sensitivities to chemicals, perfumes, or odors, you will want to avoid this one. They were open to any and all suggestions, and decided to give Present Moment Parenting a try. The talking piece serves as a powerful physical symbol of respect for children and adults alike. That will be a lot quicker.” Contingency plans were created for evenings when Alan or Alicia would not be home at bedtime. There is, of course, no guarantee that every single night will be quiet and serene, but progress toward that vision is very possible.
Our first impulse would be much more helpful if instead, it was to determine what to do about the discouragement. He can’t say, “Mom, Dad, I appreciate that you care about me, and that you are more wise than I am. Want to tell me what’s up?” or “How about you take some time in your own room until you feel better and we can talk?” or “I remember being your age and feeling that same way. It implies that you are in charge, and also that you have complete faith that she can go to sleep on her own. This is very valuable information for her, as it will help her to believe in herself in other areas, too.
Knowing that you, as a single parent or with your spouse or partner, can definitely count on some winding down time helps you to handle the challenges that will come tomorrow. Reading together is my favorite bedtime ritual, as it points out that you value reading and learning, it offers a great opportunity for snuggling, and most important, it truly allows the child to feel your slowed-down, caring energy.
Dream catchers are Native American creations in which small hoops with weavings, beads, and feathers, serve to filter out the bad dreams and only allow the good ones. Joes need the same love and acceptance as their counterparts who depend on same-gender lovies. The Elbergs wrote down all ideas and used ideas from each family member in their final plan. Alan and Alicia stated that they would read or tell stories with each child, and that they would alternate reading with them. Parents who put in the effort toward planning bedtimes and thoughtfully implementing their plans say that it is well worth it when they realize the rewards: peaceful evenings, well-rested children and happy parents!
But I need to make these decisions myself because I am becoming a young adult, and that’s what young adults do. Sit down, and let’s try to make this better together.” You are getting to the root emotion, rather than placing judgment on the child’s behavior. Many people struggle to find the right way to talk with their aging parents about some tough family choices. They are wonderful, durable devices for helping children make the transition into a restful night’s sleep. Josh, who has had the most trouble settling in to bed without conflict, suggested that Alicia or Alan give a ten-minute warning before bedtime. Dad would read a page and Madison would read a sentence, and mom and Josh would work out their plan as they went. Please bear with me as I struggle and even fail sometimes.” So he leaves the house in a huff, giving the door an extra hard slam for emphasis. Many seniors resist a change in housing, even when they know they need to move. "It’s fear of going from a known to an unknown. A three-minute back-rub for Josh and a head-rub for Madison completed the plan for the nightly routine. We would be much better off if our first impulse was to support him in his decision-making, rather than tell him what to do. Have you and she been having fun while I was away?” If spending the night at a friend’s house with the lovie becomes an issue, leave the decision about whether to take the lovie along to the child. Alicia responded to their input by saying, “I notice that you are really thinking hard about ways to make our household happy at bedtime. They need to know that time to oneself or as a couple is vital to healthy adult living, and that it also ensures that mom and dad will be in a much better mood tomorrow. It indicates that they are all part of the same “child club” still in need of certain comforts at night.
Nemovitz is a realtor and senior real estate specialist who helps families navigate the transition.
If your child does receive some ridicule for having the lovie along, she can decide what to do about it. He’s also the author of two books on the subject, the latest of which is called Guiding Our Parents in the Right Direction. Trust your child’s sense of what will keep her the most comfortable in the situation, and assure her that she can call you to consult on it at any time.



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