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23.05.2014
My basic criticism of the method is that it is bloodless and cold and very high maintenance – you probably need to spend a great deal of time and effort on it.
Q: Your last book was about defiant children who pose special challenges to parents, teachers, and other adults who care for them.
A: After the other book was published, I received endless requests from parents, in person and also by email from all over the United States and other countries around the world. A: First, the book does give examples showing in very concrete terms how to apply the approach to many of the common problems that parents report. But the book also provides a template, a way to identify whatever goals for your children you might have as a parent and then move specifically from those goals to getting the change you want. Q: You argue in the book that by making relatively small changes in family routines parents can do a lot to improve the chances that this ABC approach will produce good results. A: We draw on the research on childrearing to help parents develop the specific behaviors they want, and also to develop broader character traits such as honesty, kindness, and respect. Q: A lot of the book’s examples are drawn from your experience directing Yale’s Parenting Center. A: The challenges that parents bring to our center include all the usual concerns of childhood and adolescence.
Yet there are also many changes in family life that have made all of this new and different.
And many children have more programmed lives—lessons, sports teams, special tutoring, and more, all of which can put pressure on everyone in the home, which shows up in how families interact. A: The many techniques the book discusses are there to be drawn on if and as needed, very much like tools. Finally, and importantly, the tools in the book, like those in your toolbox at home, are intended to be used in a temporary way to accomplish a task, and then you put them away. Q: What’s the one most important principle or habit that a parent should learn from this book? A: Getting the child to practice the behavior or components of the behavior you want is key. Q: You note in the book that sometimes parental instincts lead us to do exactly the right thing, but other times our first impulse actually undermines our effectiveness as parents and makes life harder for us and for our kids. Q: You really emphasize the scientific basis for the parenting advice you give in the book.
A: So much of parenting advice in self-help books and on the Web recommends practices that go against what reliable research has demonstrated to be most effective for parents. A: The main challenge is that anyone who has been a child or a parent already has a clear view of how to parent.
A: I am a parent and I work with hundreds of parents every year, sometimes individually and sometimes in groups, and I have being doing this for many years.
The Yale Parenting Center has helped thousands of families learn the best parenting strategies for handling behavioral problems.
The Kazdin Method® was honored with the Self-Help Seal of Merit award from the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies.
Normal or "good" behavior is usually determined by whether it's socially, culturally and developmentally appropriate.
Many kids tend to continue a behavior when it is rewarded (with parental attention) and stop a behavior when it is ignored. Decide that the behavior is not a problem because it's appropriate to your youngster's age and stage of development. To Rose: In that case, you will want to use the strategies outlined in the eBook mentioned at the bottom of the article. Kazdin says kids learn by example -- so parents have to be careful about what behavior they model.
All of the following tips are based on this simple principle: Attention to bad behavior increases bad behavior (yelling, lecturing, scolding, spanking and punishing are all forms of negative attention), while attention to good behavior increases good behavior.
2) Positive attention to good behavior can be a smile, a touch or praise -- or all three -- but do it right away and be specific about what it was the child did right every time. 3) Instead of saying "stop" or "don't" when you see bad behavior, find the "positive opposite": Figure out what you do want the child to do instead. Kazdin is a very well qualified child psychologist with many years of experience working with families who are having problems with their children’s behaviour. Examples are given of how this would work at different ages, types of child and types of family, though it is not suitable for using as a treatment on its own for children with recognised conditions like ADHD. Parenting Your Defiant Child is easy to follow and very clearly explains the Kadzin Method. If your child is severely disruptive, though, you will be investing quite heavily enough to warrant such effort. Of course, if you do have a very difficult child, then Parenting Your Defiant Child may be the self-help book to help you cope.
There are so many conceivable parenting situations you could have dealt with; you can’t possibly attend to them one by one. For example, things like getting a child to bed or having that child ready on time, doing homework, practicing a musical instrument—those are spelled out in detail, so many of the most common parent concerns and possibilities are in fact directly illustrated.
So you can specify the outcomes, taking into account any special circumstances of your family life and your individual preferences, as well as the individuality of your children. A, for antecedents, is what parents can do to set up or get a particular behavior to occur.
But there’s also strong research that has focused on how parents can provide what’s called a nurturing environment, which means more general characteristics of home and family life that influence children. So, for example, helping a child play nicely, show cooperation, get ready on time, not have tantrums—that’s all pretty common.
First, more than ever before, children are connected to social media through their smartphones, tablets, and computers.
That can combine with the fact that parents’ lives today often involve more complex domestic schedules than in decades past.


You don’t walk around the house all day carrying tools, but you have them somewhere near at hand for when you need one.
Sometimes you need to help your child to do more of something she only does a little now—like homework, or socializing with other kids.
Practice locks in the behavior as a habit so that no special program or tools are needed in an ongoing way.
What’s an example or two of a counterintuitive surprise that a parent may find in this book? You probably feel an urge to hug your kid, and a startling amount of research demonstrates that being hugged by you is good for your kid. The book’s approach defines a pretty minor role for punishment, and yet as parents we often see discipline as meaning how to punish a child to get the behavior one wants.
You’ll find authoritative-sounding voices advocating more punishment, time-out periods lasting hours, sitting with a child to show you understand why he is aggressive—all of which is the equivalent of “Smoke lots of cigarettes, drink alcohol excessively, especially at breakfast, and combine your foods to maximize fat content.” Parenting advice as a rule should be guided by the principle “First do no harm,” but far too often it’s not. This may come from what their own parents did or did not do, and it may be influenced by cultural or religious views or other strongly held beliefs. When we learn that there are galaxies filled with other planets billions of light years away, for most of us that information goes on a blank slate. We work with the goals that parents have and try to give them new tools, but make no mistake they already have a toolkit they use.
I continue to be deeply moved by parents, their commitments to their children, their efforts—often in the face of adversity in their own lives. Unlike other clinics you may have encountered, our parenting services are based on over three decades of rigorous research, not just opinions. A youngster's behavior may be a problem if it doesn't match the expectations of the parents or if it is disruptive. Consistency in your reaction to a behavior is important, because rewarding and punishing the same behavior at different times confuses your youngster.
Defiant kids who learn that bad behavior is not tolerated and that good behavior is rewarded are learning skills that will last them a lifetime. Write a short list of good behaviors on a chart and mark the chart with a star each time you see the good behavior. My nine year old goes just refuses, and if I push the issue, goes completely out of control. Alan Kazdin of Yale University Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic offers 10 tips for dealing with defiant children. So "Don't leave your socks on the floor" becomes "Please put your socks in the hamper." If they comply, remember to praise them! When you are both calm, tell him it is a game and practice giving a pretend request like "Please go to bed." Then give him praise and a point when he goes the first time you ask him to. In Parenting Your Defiant Child, this ranges from monthly tantrums to lying, arson and stealing. I am sure that it would work, but the problem with it is that it reads more like a dog training manual than a parenting book to me.
But for ordinary children in ordinary families, we have to accept that children sometimes do stupid and upsetting things – it's part of the growing up process. The messages were very much along the lines of “Okay, so your approach works with children who are aggressive, who have extreme tantrums, or have other special needs, but I need help with everyday behaviors. How do you cover the range of possibilities and still offer practical help to a parent who wants help with a specific problem?
B, for behavior, deals with how to get from little or no behavior, such as a few minutes of homework before quitting, to the final goal, something like completing all homework every day. For instance, we know that routines and rituals in the home, simple things a parent and child or the whole family do on a regular basis, can help improve how a child does at home and at school, and can also make parents more effective in helping their children. For older children and adolescents, getting them to do homework and be civil around the house also are common. What that means is that there are full-time connections with peers and peer interactions that are very much out of sight of the parent and that dilute time with parents and parental influence. Multiple jobs, dual careers, more of a scramble to divide up and handle the responsibilities of childrearing—for many families this can increase stress a little bit, and stress can get translated to more oppositional behavior from your kids.
It may be that you can get your child to bathe or to come home at curfew without any special techniques or effort. Sometimes you’re not seeing any of the behavior at all and you have to build it up from scratch. You get rid of the tantrums, or develop a consistent habit of getting up in the morning and getting ready for school on time, and then you put the behavior-change tool back in the box.
The research is crystal clear on the finding that the most common forms of punishment—time out, harsh reprimands, spanking—are not likely to be effective, and they can have side effects that undermine parent-child relationships and lead to worse behavior by children. Drinking very moderate amounts of wine can improve health but going a little beyond that really harms health? So whether you want to prevent cancer or prevent your children from fighting with other kids or saying nasty things to you, we have considerable knowledge already, even though it’s not perfect or complete. What’s the challenge or goal for you as a scientist in directly addressing parents and teachers? The parents I work with bring firmly held preferences, deeply ingrained, and some of these will conflict with what the science tells us. The challenge is not just to give them a better hammer but also to suggest that maybe a hammer is not the tool to use for every single job that comes up around the house. Many parents feel they would do anything they could to help their children, and work very hard to provide all the care, nurturing, and help their children need—sometimes even when the children are resisting along the way.
When you're away from home, consider using a car or a nearby seating area as a time-out place.
Time-out should be brief (generally 1 minute for each year of age), and should begin immediately after reaching the time-out place or after your youngster calms down.
Don't debate the rules at the time of misbehavior, but invite your youngster to participate in rule-making at another time.


If he doesn't do what you ask the first time, say, "I can see you're not ready to do it right now, you don't earn a point right now, but we'll try again later." And they don't earn a point.
When you first start doing it, your child may actually throw even more tantrums -- because they're upset that their usual way of getting what they want isn't working.
Ideally, you should be praising your child's behavior 90 percent of the time and punishing only 10 percent of the time. There are many references about how the programme would improve your relationship with your child and make life in families a lot better. Children are not meant to be perfectly behaved and there would be something missing if one was. How do I get my child to get dressed in the morning, to get ready for daycare or school on time, to eat more than one or two foods, to accept ‘no’ without a tantrum, to interact nicely with a sibling, to bathe and get to bed on time, to show respect when speaking, and to stop spending her life on her smartphone or computer?” Parents were asking for a shorter, leaner, step-by-step approach to how to handle these challenges.
C, for consequence, covers what happens after a behavior that will get it to occur more reliably and become a habit. And we know that a nurturing environment can have broad effects on children—better mental health, better physical health, better performance at school. But it may be that bath time or curfew has turned into a big drama that eats up a lot of your energy and causes problems in your household.
This book is about noncoercive ways to get a behavior to occur repeatedly, to do so with much less stress on the parent and child, and with more rapid and enduring effects. The parents I see at the Yale Parenting Center report saying over and over things like “If I told you once, I told you a thousand times . People often reject science in everyday life but return to it when they run into a crisis—a scary diagnosis, for instance.
So, for example, almost all parents I encounter say that they praise their children—and they probably do. Most people know that science has advanced in allowing us to treat life-threatening diseases, land spacecraft on other planets, and predict the weather.
Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. You put your socks in the hamper!" You will have to say "stop" and "don't" once in a while -- that's normal -- but you will have to say it much less if you are praising the positive opposite.
If the child then turns around after you've said that and does what you asked, then praise her effusively, but don't give her a point. I might have tried it at one time on my own defiant child, though I never could get enthusiastic enough about sticker charts to make one when we needed it.
They have to separate from you and that can be painful for both of you – its in the nature of the thing!
Within each component, we present a variety of techniques that have been well studied in research. Fewer relatives nearby who can help, less contact with neighbors, less of everything—except desperate late-night Googling, of course, and that doesn’t always lead to the most useful advice. So you turn to the book, which offers an array of techniques that parents can draw from when they need to achieve some change that just isn’t happening naturally or is causing too much conflict. Our brain is wired to attend to negative things in the environment much more than to positive things.
These findings and others like them have come from years of research that can help us navigate the shoals of everyday life. But science can help with the everyday things, and we don’t need to wait for a crisis to draw on it. Yet to change behavior a different kind of praise is needed; it has to be delivered in a special way to build children’s habits in the ways their parents want, and when you use it this way you can actually cut way down on the quantity. But while all this has been going on, scientific findings related to childrearing and family life have advanced as well, and it’s happened mostly under the radar of our culture. To decide the amount of time to give your youngster, figure out your youngster's "best time" to do that task and add 5 minutes. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). One nice feature is that there are many ways to get the desired behavior, and parents can select from many options to accommodate different views and situations. A lot of parents feel obliged to constantly praise their kids, and it’s both unnecessary and ineffective. If you do this, only give your youngster a reward if there are more positive marks than negative marks. But sometimes a Phillips head screwdriver is exactly what you need to do the work quickly and efficiently. The surprising research finding is that the best way to get rid of any of these negative behaviors is to focus on building specific positive behaviors to replace them.
None of this was told to me when I left the hospital with my first child; it looks like that has not changed. So there’s no blank parental slate when it comes to praising a child; we have to work with pre-existing beliefs and habits. It gives parents effective ways to help their children develop toward the goals they set for them, all while making everyday life less stressful. Don't discuss the bad behavior, but look for ways to reward and reinforce good behavior later on.



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Comments to «Parenting defiant toddlers»

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