First off, understand that it really is okay that you still have feelings for your ex and you will have the urge to call or text him. As far as wanting to call or text him is concerned, could this be because you are spending most of your day thinking about him?
Might your apologies be so frequent and empty that you can't even recall the last one or do you not remember your last apology because you haven't apologized for much of anything lately?
Sometimes saying sorry is a hard thing to do because you might feel like it makes you look weak or it takes away from a point you were defending in an argument or debate. Just give some more thought to why you are apologizing to someone before you do it and express that in the apology.
How many times have you had someone apologize to you and it felt like they didn't mean it? I talk about this all the time, but I need to reevaluate and make sure that I am being about it. Q: Five years ago, my then-fiance broke things off five weeks before we were supposed to be married. So, my question is: What does one do with all of this anger after an engagement (or marriage) ends? While we’re doing all of this self-forgiveness, maybe think about whether or not you need to forgive yourself for getting into that terrible situation with that guy.
Personally, I can let go of things better when I’m allowed to just take a few minutes to be really stinking pissed-off ANGRY. Another way to handle things is to find a tangible symbol for removing this guy and the whole messy situation from your mind.
The point is—do whatever you need to get past the brief moments of rage so you can move on and heal in the long run. Allow yourself the room to experience that natural, healthy emotion in response to this terrible thing that happened. With big stuff, like your problem or the one I’m currently dealing with, it can take time. I really like the idea of writing a letter to your ex about everything you are still mad about.
I was in a situation where I was extremely pissed off at a guy who handled my heart with a great deal of callousness, and I agree about the theraputic value of writing and angry letter (but not delivering it). I was in a situation where I was extremely pissed off at a guy who handled my heart with a great deal of callousness, and I agree about the theraputic value of writing an angry letter (but not delivering it).
In high school my best friend and I made up the candle-burning ritual when one of our relationships dissolved in a fit of agony and drama as high school relationships often do.
A friend once remarked to me that forgiveness, at least for enormous wrongs like this one, is a journey rather than a destination. That being said, of course I still have moments when I’d love to punch him in the face. I’m going to go out on a limb here and you might hate me for it, but how about trying to be thankful to him? So try (just try) to be thankful that he showed his true colors when he did and you got to come out on the other side a better person (with a better person, with friends who you know will stick by your side, better with money, etc etc etc). Each time, you get more distance and more perspective and the more you break out of the angry-cyclical-thinking, the easier it gets to do. Usually when I’m fuming mad at someone, it’s because deep down, I’m pretty pissed with myself for letting them do that awful thing to me. Deep down, I blame myself and feel like I should have known better, should have been more skeptical and less charitable, and should have stopped myself from being hopeful to avoid the hurt that followed.
I had a similar situation a few years ago (and like you) I am recently married and still feel angry sometimes. I was in an abusive relationship, and when it ended I was so dependent on him that I thought my life was over. When issues come up for me that feel like stumbling blocks, I tend to try and read about the topic.
I have been in a similar situation as you (although nowhere near as legally or financially messy) and had to learn to get over it in a time frame that is shorter than most because we actually got back together. Something that helps me to gain control when I am fuming angy at someone (my ex who screwed me over, my dad who just sucks, past relationships of my mom’s who messed the family up, etc) is to remeber that you cannot change other people, you can only change yourself.
Instead of trying to change your feelings, another approach is to notice them without judgment.
It’s also difficult not to recall that ex was a part of my life because my current Guy, (a thousand times better for me than the ex) has the exact same birthday as the ex!!! 2) my best friend told me “Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you?


Oh, and the best way to get over the ex is to think of all the flaws he had that soooo pissed you off that you’re GLAD he’s out of your life and onto bigger and better things!!!
Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. In this situation, it can go either way simply because an ex can do and say anything to try to mess up a current situation. However, at the same time it is imperative to accept that he does not love you and that your marriage is over. It's like they could have just not said anything at all and you probably would despise them a little less than you do after that sorry (no pun intended) a$$ apology.
Make it clear that you get exactly what you are sorry for and help the other person believe that you will truly try to not repeat your wrong in the future.
I don’t think about him all that often, but whenever I do, I am completely overcome by the urge to punch him in the face.
You wasted enough time on that relationship and recovering from that relationship, it feels like a waste to continue to dwell in those unhappy thoughts. To vent, to yell, to cry angry tears, to get it all out of my system, and then to be done with it. Her spare time is spent sipping bourbon with her husband and playing Don’t Throw That in the Toilet with her sons. She has this way of just making me feel really bad about myself, so I typed out a letter to her in a Word doc, printed it, wrote over it in sharpie, then shredded it (and deleted the doc, of course).
While I haven’t been through anything like your situation, I have been through the part where the ex gets the friends because he knew them longer.
My breakup was 3 years ago now, and I’m happily engaged to my soul mate, and have wonderful new friends in addition to the faithful old friends who have always stuck by me. Granted, all of our mutual friends had been friends with him long before I came around, so it makes sense, but that unfortunately did not make it any easier for me to lose all those great friends.
When I (amicably) ended my relationship with my ex and moved out of the city we’d been living in, none of the people I thought were our friends even asked if I was okay.
I lost a huge circle of friends when my ex and I broke up, one friend of whom was someone who I’d known since college and had introduced my ex and I.
Told me that he didn’t want to listen to my complaining about my ex because he was still friends with the guy.
Let it out since pent up anger tends to turn inward and become depression if you can’t express it in healthful and healing ways. My story is similar to yours in many ways, but thankfully I was spared home ownership and actual wedding planning (we were engaged but not close to being married). Then again, I don’t want to live my life through bitterness and anger, which is what I try to hold onto to get myself out of the self-blame cycles that I am so damn good at perpetuating.
It took therapy and support and a very long time just to be okay with it being over, and then I got angry.
I really enjoyed the read; it included stories of people who had managed to do just that as well as a thoughtful discussion about how one goes about such forgiveness. The key is to prevent ourselves from writing about the wrongs we received (because that is a way of holding onto the anger, instead of letting go of it), but instead compassionately looking inward: Why does this hurt so much?
I sat down, had a whole afternoon set aside and just poured my angry little heart out onto paper. Is it because we think it's the right thing to do and it probably makes the other person feel better?
Or how about this one ~ You and another person are both at fault in some way and you actually do woman or man up and apologize, but the other person doesn't.
We owned our home together, and ended up having to settle things via attorneys, which took over two years; he had been having an inappropriate relationship with another woman, yet the vast majority of our friends ended up siding with him on the basis that they knew him first. While I am so thankful that I didn’t marry him—my husband is about a billion times better for me, and all in all, we have a wonderful, fantastic life together—part of me is just still so angry.
It almost seems that it’s one more thing he’s continuing to ruin for you, right? Or, I had a friend who would write down the offending person’s name, and put it in the freezer. You could even bake some cookies (and send them over here, if you’re not feeling hungry). I mean, maybe your thing is buying some thrifted china and smashing it against a wall, who knows. But, if it seems that these bouts of anger are happening pretty regularly or are starting to really overwhelm you, it may be a good idea to set an appointment with a counselor. While it burned we’d cry, yell, scream, punch pillows, eat ungodly amounts of junk food, etc.


But it was super cathartic to spend an hour or two (or however long–sometimes we bought BIG candles) just getting.
But it still hurts when I see the old friends that picked him hanging out with my ex on Facebook.
One of those people was my childhood and high school best friend, who was in a relationship with (now married to) one of his friends. My husband knows all about it, which helps- but what really has helped is time, and knowing I have every right to be angry, and to occasionally vent my anger over past wrongs, but also to let the anger pass and realize that the majority of the time I forget that he was even a part of my life.
My reasoning is that confronting or contacting him put the ball in his court; he could respond however he wants.
You can also think about the things you wanted to do during your in-debt years, like go on vacations, and put some money towards doing that in the future. So, what I will say is, WOW, it is awesome that you were able to pull yourself together (even with help of friends it’s not an easy thing after stuff LIKE THAT), and it is seriously impressive that you have been able to shake off enough of that crap to actually be able to love again! The anger lasted years, and though we broke up over four years ago and I am now married happily to someone much much better for me, I was only able to let go very recently. I second the counselling – if you feel like the anger is taking up too much of your time, talking to a professional does wonders for your feeling of sanity. Some people burn the letter, some rip it up, but I read it over, folded it and put it somewhere safe.
You can still stand firmly by a belief or opinion you hold and apologize for your tone or the way in which you expressed it.
Five years is not a huge distance from that sort of traumatic experience—especially one that’s impacted so much of your life. Sometimes it seems best to not mention exes and past relationships, but if this one is particularly bugging you, it might help to loop him in. While there’s nothing wrong with feeling angry and hurt about this junk that happened, it could help you manage that anger and hurt.
Funny story though, one of my closest female friends went to high school with a friend of my ex’s and I met her at a moving party I was at with my ex. I now chalk it up to a lesson learned (no one will ever get so far down the road of mistreating me again, without me walking away) and dwell on how much better off I am. And I also agree with the first comment from Kristen, that writing a letter to an ex can be healing, though I would suggest NOT sending it. I was reading through some old emails from when we were together, looking for a specific link I’d sent him, and I realized that he was not evil.
I found it about a year after I wrote it and I was so shocked at the visceral rage that leaped from the page… but also really glad that that rage was in the paper, and not in me so much anymore. This is a hard thing, and absolutely won’t happen overnight, but I find it really freeing. That plus the wedding debts I ended up saddled with left me homeless, jobless, and seriously screwed.
Most of all, I am angry at myself that, even after five years and a marriage, I still go through periods from time to time where I let the anger over the ex get to me. The fact that you’re still carrying around a bit of anger just sounds flat normal, to me. But sometimes after the rage has passed, you might not feel it’s necessary (and crumpling up the letter and throwing it out could be a tangible symbol like Liz was talking about. And when I think about all the amazing people in my life now, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much. It just clicked that he had loved me, and while he was sick and abusive and horrible to me, I no longer hated him for it.
I dont want to let that person hurt me anymore, espessially by hurting myself sitting around feeling terrible.
Anyway, if you are one that tends to apologize with lack of purpose and earnestness, perhaps you may want to honestly consider the impact of your apologies if they actually had more weight and thought given to them before you lay one on. So when it was over, it was like I not only broke up with my boyfriend, but a huge chunk of friends broke up with me. When you begin doing new things and meeting new people some the loneliness and despair you are currently feeling will start to fade and you will want to call or text him less and less. Besides, being mad at yourself for being mad just creates a whole nasty cycle of emotion that doesn’t altogether make much sense.




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