Handfuls of married folks, bridal magazines, bridal message boards, and sitcom pilots chalked my feelings up to simply being "cold feet." I was assured that my feelings were just wedding jitters, stress about the planning, excitement for the big day, and after a while I started to believe it. When I was drunkenly walking around my bachelorette party asking my guests "Should I get married?" my very honest and smart friend Margot said, "If you need to ask, I think you know the answer." Good point! If you aren't someone who normally cares about party hosting or details, then you can maybe ignore this one. Two months before the wedding my sister was like "Uh, are you going to pick out bridesmaid dresses for us anytime soon?" I wasn't actively planning because I wasn't actively sure that the wedding would happen. When I got engaged, my fiance moved from New York City to the suburbs of Boston because I insisted I wanted to quit the entertainment business and live in the 'burbs near my family like a "real grown-up." A month into my ridiculous plan I started traveling to New York a lot, alone.
Some gals go nuts with Bridal Bootcamps shrinking down to an impossible size to fit in their gowns, and some gals (me) go on a bender of binge drinking and eating making themselves fit uncomfortably in their own skin. If you find yourself overindulging in unhealthy habits, you may want to figure out why (this is a general life rule, not just pre-wedding). I know for myself, when I am in a good place in life I am balanced, I take care of my appearance, I take care of my digestive tract and liver. I cried when I went wedding dress shopping, partly because nothing fit right and partly because every time we put another deposit down on something for the wedding, I felt more and more like I couldn't bail.
I was in a funk, a major one and I don't think most people who are excited to get married drunkenly walk around Times Square alone at night with sunglasses on to hide their tears as they judge "happy" tourists (yea, I did a lot of that too). I hate the image of the guy being weighed down by the "ol' ball and chain" because sometimes it's women that feel weighed down, sometimes women wonder what else is out there, sometimes women (gasp!) fantasize about other people. I married my college boyfriend who at the time had been my only real long-term relationship.
I didn't have much to compare us to and so I found myself constantly thinking about dating other men.


I thought I was being so progressive but I was actually just trying to satisfy my curiosity for the single life while keeping the security of a relationship.
I can't tell you what "normal" is as far as crushes, fantasies, flirting, openness go, only you and your partner can figure that out, I just know that if I ever get married again it will be because I am super focused on the man I am with rather than being super focused on the men I could have been with. Timing is everything, and when I got married I wasn't ready but I did it anyways because I couldn't think of a good enough reason not to, now I know in retrospect "I don't want to get married right now" is a reason enough. While some of my good friends listened and understood my hesitation, the greater population did not. My fiance and I had been dating for seven years, we got along great and he was (and still is) one of the most amazing men I have ever met. I usually love planning things, I like organizing fun stuff to do, I like being a thoughtful hostess, I like events. It did happen, and it was lovely and fun but it wasn't the kind of party I would throw in a good state of mind. Before I knew it my fiance and I were spending more time apart than together and it didn't bother me.
I was trying to escape by drinking most nights a week (not in a celebratory wedding way), eating my feelings (not in a celebratory cake-tastings are fun way), and just taking overall horrible care of my body. I cried at my rehearsal dinner when my fiance's dad gave a beautiful speech about how he was still madly in love with his wife (my fiance's mom) because I was jealous that I wasn't madly in love. It's common and normal for men and women in amazing committed relationships to think about other people. Some folks can be with their high school or college sweethearts and be totally happy never considering the other options, good for them, I was not one of those girls. So I suggested to my fiance that we have some openness in our relationship because after all we were super cool enlightened soulmates that knew we'd be together forever.


If you are getting married because you feel pressure from your partner, your family, society, you are afraid to be alone, you are afraid no one else will love you again, you're getting older, all your friends are married, you want wedding gifts, you don't know what else to do but get married: DO NOT GET MARRIED.
He is a "catch." And since the creation of girls, we've been taught that catching him is the ultimate achievement. Yet rather than face the truth that I simply did not want to get married (at that time) I instead faced my fiance on the altar. Getting married is a decision that should only involve the two people getting married to one another. So if you are avoiding spending time with the person you're planning to spend the rest of your life with, maybe reconsider. Pay attention to your vices, chances are if prepping for your wedding involves abusing your body you might want to put things on hold (including that fifth cocktail). It's a tough thing to figure out since big life changes can make us all emotional, so be sure to take some time (meditate, go for long walks, journal, sit in silence, whatever works for you) to figure out if you're crying tears of joy or tears of sadness. I couldn't figure out if I was staying with him because he was "the one" or because he had just been the only one so far. I know some people have open relationships and it works out great, but that wasn't the case with us because we weren't totally clear on the rules and our feelings. That your wedding day is the "happiest day of your life." That once a ring is on our finger everything will be OK. Yes, your wedding day is an important day but more important than your wedding is your relationship with your future husband.



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