When we meditate, what usually occurs is that we find a mind that is running riot with our attention and mental energy. Our feelings of impatience and frustration with ourselves in meditation are certainly understandable, especially when they persist in spite of our best efforts to overcome them. What’s almost as magical as learning not to beat ourselves up when encountering our distractions and inattention is that as we progress in our exploration of the mind and its habits through the practice of meditation, we begin to realize that not just us, but everyone has this same kind of desire to be free from the suffering of their mind and to be happy in the peaceful and calmly abiding attention that goes with a meditative or non-distracted mind. The meditation and mindfulness that we’re aiming our minds toward and that we want to cultivate as health-care professionals or even as parents or partners has to be based on the single goal of alleviating others’ suffering through changing the way that our mind works, becoming mindfully aware ourselves. The compassion that comes with a deep mindful presence is based on the realization that the person in front of me is no other than another me, another human who wishes to have happiness and to avoid suffering. To support you in your practice, I’ve posted below a script for an exercise in compassionate intention. Ebook and two chapters from the book, Minding the Bedside: Nursing from the Heart of the Awakened Mind, on how to meditate. Here’s a pitch for my book, Minding the Bedside: Nursing from the Heart of the Awakened Mind.
As always, please feel free to share your comments on meditation and contact me if you’d like to see additional content or other discussions on this site. Jerome Stone is a Registered Nurse and the author of the book Minding The Bedside: Nursing from the Heart of the Awakened Mind. Download TWO FREE CHAPTERS of Minding the Bedside: Nursing from the Heart of the Awakened Mind and a FREE E-Book!
The butterflies, light-headedness, sweaty palms, fidgety legs, shaky knees, and incoherent mumbling? A few years later, I had become one of the best public speakers – in my high-school, and then in my college. Whether it was mock trial, monetary policy, or business presentation, I went from being one of the worst to usually the best or second-best. There was no chance encounter that fortuitously changed my fate – no girl I was trying to impress or mentor who pushed me to reach my full potential. Repeated a few dozen times over the course of a few years, and I had slowly turned my weaknesses into strengths. Until a month ago, I didn’t know why. What was it that made that personal responsibility so natural? For which I’m glad, because that advice is a form of shifting responsibility from oneself onto others in order to promote artificial self-esteem. There’s no reason to modify the entirety of our individuality in response to social pressure, but our bad habits? Another potential consequence of excessive, unconditional praise is the tendency to view failure as evidence of stupidity, rather than as normal human experience. My parents didn’t congratulate me when I drew random colored lines on a piece of paper and called it a painting. A great meta-analysis of the self-esteem research: Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles?
As I’ve become more American (I was raised by Indian immigrants), its started hurting for me too. Americans tend to over-estimate their ability to drive, the value of their contributions to team projects, and their academic and job performance. Easterners tend to over-estimate their ability to get along with others and fit in (they think they have above average ability in appearing to be average).
There was no need for me to search for excuses, for reasons to pass on responsibility or to stop caring. Just like with optimism, too much self-compassion can be a problem, but you’re probably not anywhere close to reaching that point. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Three studies which increased levels of self-compassion were found to positively affect several measures of mood and well-being. In the 2008 study, the authors did not actually mention the % increase in life satisfaction, only that there was a statistically significant increase.
In the 2007 study, the negative correlation between self-compassion and negative mental patterns like anxiety and rumination is strong (see here), but the absolute increase in compassion and well-being is not reported, again suggesting the increases may have been small.
In two studies which measured biological markers of stress like blood pressure, those with higher levels of self-compassion were better able to deal with mental and social pressure.
Replace nagging self-criticism with some self-love and it’s no surprise that anxiety and depression stand a chance of going away. The six week experimental study which trained participants in compassion meditation had a terrible control. Across five studies, self-compassion was found to increase prosocial behavior, attitudes, and feelings. Four 2011 studies of college students and newlyweds, two correlational, one experimental, and one longitudinal, found self-compassion to be associated with greater motivation to correct interpersonal mistakes, more constructive problem-solving behaviors, reports of more accommodation, and fewer declines in marital satisfaction.
There are dozens of exercises you can use, many of which have already been empirically tested. In a 2012 study of an eight week compassion meditation program, the self-compassion levels of participants increased, on average, by 30%.13 Over the course of the eight weeks, participants meditated for a total of approximately 13 hours. One easy way to soothe and comfort yourself when you’re feeling badly is to give yourself a gentle hug.

The next time you are aware of having a self-critical thought, try to dampen or even replace it with a more compassionate one. Loving-kindness meditation is the most empirically validated technique for enhancing compassion. Probably not as effective, but I don’t like chanting mantras or listening to guided meditations. I dig what they do, but your emphasis is different: on scientifically researched and vetted sources. Yes, I plan on using this, my gratitude posts, and many of my future posts as the backbone of my first paid product. Wonderful post Amit – so nice to read the scientific evidence of what I stumbled upon in talks by the late theosopher, Sydney Banks! The tracking guide is a great way to incorporate all that juicy information into a valuable action that we can follow up on.
But what I’ve seen is that it takes dozens of exposures to the same idea before any action gets taken, which indicates a problem with the bloggers. Wow, I have to agree with the gang here: I’m blown away by the thoroughness and abundance of research in this post!
I’ve been coming across the metta loving-kindness meditation just about every day from different sources. Compassion meditation is a meditation that has been practiced by the Tibetan monks for thousands of years. Developing the art of feeling compassion for your friend, neighbor and enemies is something that could move the world to resonate with peace in the same manner. True compassion is when you can simply observe another’s suffering and open your heart to the place where you truly wish that person could find happiness and a release from pain. Remember that the first and most important step in this process is to show yourself compassion. It involves silently repeating a phrase that shows your intention is to move from judgment to caring, from dislike to understanding, and from a feeling of isolation to one of connectiveness. The magic of the practice of meditation is that slowly and gradually, we gain perspective into how ridiculous our wild mind can be, how impermanent our thoughts are, and how compassionately we need to deal with ourselves when working with our mind. While it is not necessary to have a religious or spiritual basis or foundation for one’s meditation, most of what is written on meditation and compassion springs from these sources. But as we sit in meditation we can begin to recognize the subtle violence inherent in our impatience with ourselves.
Conceptually, compassionate mindfulness is a focused and attentive desire or intention to help another person due to a compassionate impulse based upon the realization that our patients suffer due to the very same mind “dynamics” that we encounter as we begin to practice mindfully aware.
You may also wish to view other posts within this site to find additional relevant articles on this topic. He also has over thirty years in a variety of health-care settings and is a long-time practitioner in meditation, with an emphasis in the study and practice of Tibetan Buddhism and Christian and Kabbalistic Contemplation. Of what a person can accomplish when they have the courage to look bleak reality in its face. Twice, my public speaking skills bought me entry to The Federal Reserve Board of Governors, where I got to meet Ben Bernanke, the sexy bald guy that tries to control the American economy. I told myself, “no matter how unfair the judge or good the opponents, if I had done things differently, I could have won. The difference is that different cultures value different things – on being above average in different areas. However, a number of other studies have found that self-compassion and self-esteem are positively correlated.
In addition, the stress buffering effects of self-compassion were only found when the participants perceived the presence of social support.
It’s possible that the positive effects could have been the results of the meditation in general, and not the compassion meditation in particular. It involves focusing on deliberately generating feelings of compassion, first for oneself, then loved ones, then friends, strangers, and finally for enemies. They include the simple, but nice PDF at the end for people to type up their own goals without having to create their own tracking sheet.
Are there any currently widely held and practiced ideas which, in a few years or decades will turn out to have been harmful or useless?
I thought your emphasis on self compassion was great, as well as the practical advice it generated.
Thank you for putting the time and effort into this article and allowing for hierarchical study if needed.
In my earlier posts in this series, I’ve written about the basics of meditation and the peacefulness and balance that come from this time to sit within the silence.
Studies have proved that Tibetan monks practicing compassion meditation generate unusually strong and coherent gamma waves in their brains. He strongly believes this to be the change agent that could take our world to a new spiritual level.
If someone thinks that a person has caused their own suffering in some manner by using poor judgment or making bad decisions then their compassion is pushed into the background as judgment moves forward.
Feeling true compassion would allow you to feel it for each person that suffers no matter who they are, where their suffering came from, or how they may be dealing with it. Having the ability to think about other people’s suffering and not just your own helps put it all into perspective.

It is the practice of gathering all your energy and attention in one focus as you repeat each phrase.
Begin thinking of someone that you would like to practice this mediation on, perhaps someone that has caused you some interruptions with sleep at night or that you’ve had feelings of anxiety with.
As our awareness and understanding of our limitations in meditation continue to deepen, we begin to gain greater insight into what is happening. Finley’s quote beautifully describes the compassionately spacious quality that we need to have with ourselves in order to learn how to mindfully attend to ourselves as well as others.
Profoundly, the only difference between my patients and me is that they’re there and I’m here. However, this study had a poor control, for which reason I believe self-compassion may buffer against stress both when social support is perceived and in neutral situations.
The only requirement is that you remind yourself, perhaps once a week or once a month, of what you are trying to accomplish. You can read meditation instructions here, or download for free six guided meditations here. Then, instead of verbalizing a mantra, I just focus on generating the emotions of compassion. Rosenberg, Joel Finkelstein, Emiliana Simon-Thomas, Margaret Cullen, James Doty, James Gross, Philippe Goldin (2012). The field of psychology went astray when they thought you have to give people self-esteem from the outside-in, when in fact they already have all they need when they’re not thinking against themselves. Where do you draw the line between really being true to yourself versus running away from things because it’s the easy way out? This demonstrates the quantifiable change that is available for those that choose to practice this meditation. This means there is no negative self-talk or mental and emotional put-downs – that deadly self-talk spoken silently in your brain day in and day out.
Practicing compassion for others will not take their pain or suffering away, but it will prevent anyone else’s judgmental feelings from adding to the person’s burdens. You can begin with a 10-minute session and progress to the point where you are easily mediating for 30 minutes at a time. We realize we are catching ourselves in the act of perpetuating violence towards our wandering mind, our wayward will, or our sleepiness—in short, toward those very aspects of our self that need to be loved the most. In fact, at some point in our lives, many of us end up there and find out what it’s like to be there!
As both self-compassion and self-esteem correlate with well-being, the effect of self-compassion after controlling for self-esteem is likely smaller – perhaps half as much.
Unlike hugging yourself, which is an easy habit to pick up, directly modifying thought patterns requires frequent refocus. Once I’ve got a good feel for those emotions, I imagine myself and once again try to generate feelings of compassion. Enhancing compassion: A randomized controlled trial of a compassion cultivation training program.
I also enjoyed this because it feels like the scientific version of a lot of what Bobbi, Lori, and other A-List Blogging Bootcamps people generate. It can be easy for many people to show compassion for someone suffering because of the loss of a child or a tragedy that might have fallen unexpectedly upon another. So then they rationalize that they deserve what they’re going through or because of former alcohol or drug addictions, they somehow deserve the health problems they are experiencing. If they begin to feel the support and compassion of others, the healing process can begin for all! If something else moves into your thoughts, just notice it and let go of it as you simply return to your phrase.
We realize that to stop meditating simply because we feel we are not good at it amounts to abandoning the very aspects of our self that need patience and loving encouragement. Research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin, provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms cardiovascular stress. Attachment, self-compassion, empathy, and subjective well-being among college students and community adults. We see that the whole venture in meditation is going to be a rough ride unless we can learn not to invade and abandon ourselves in response to all the ways in which meditation exposes our limitations and shortcomings. And, because it has EVERYTHING that you need to learn how to meditate and to use your practice at the bedside.
But, you say, tell a kid that the reason they can’t get dates is that their appearance needs an upgrade, and their self-esteem is likely going to nosedive. Self-compassion is a better predictor than mindfulness of symptom severity and quality of life in mixed anxiety and depression. Open Hearts Build Lives: Positive Emotions, Induced Through Loving-Kindness Meditation, Build Consequential Personal Resources. Effect of compassion meditation on neuroendocrine, innate immune and behavioral responses to psychosocial stress.

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