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Please, contact us now to request your meeting.  Thank you and congratulations on taking your first step. It is our experience that the vast majority of divorce mediators in Middle Tennessee conduct all divorce mediations with the parties in separate rooms from beginning to end.
This question seems particularly important in light of the fact that Middle Tennessee seems to be an anomaly on this issue. Professor John Lande of the University of Missouri School of Law believes that in shuttle diplomacy the parties lose the chance that mediation often otherwise affords, to help the parties communicate in a healthier way than they are able to do on their own. Oftentimes parties in divorce automatically assume the worst about the other and great strides can be made in their relationship, as well as toward reaching an agreement, when they see and hear the opposing party make reasonable suggestions and decisions.
Shuttle diplomacy overemphasizes the mediator, reducing partiesa€™ ability to make good decisions on their own behalf. The reason a mediator, especially in divorce, should not automatically caucus is that something very large is lost when the mediator caucuses. More concretely, if the parties are always kept apart they are prevented from having an organic conversation about settlement possibilities in the structured safety of mediation, losing the possibility of coming up with richer, more creative agreements than merely exchanging settlement offers from a distance can afford. Shuttle diplomacy is less efficient and therefore more expensive for parties than is conducting at least most of the mediation in joint session because no time is spent with the mediator rehashing the other sidea€™s position each time an exchange between the parties occurs.
In sum, we are convinced from our own practice as well as from speaking with other experts, that the a€?culturea€? around divorce mediation in Middle Tennessee might be improved if mediators would experiment with using joint sessions in most divorces a€“ particularly ones where the parties will be co-parenting together after the divorce.
An Irish mediator has been recognised for her contribution to elder mediation at the Elder Mediation World Summit in Linz, Austria. Each mediation renews my belief that people are willing to listen, learn and create resolution in the interest of peace, time, and fiscal responsibility. Family Mediation provides an extremely effective way for couples to resolve various issues. There is considerable disagreement over the wisdom or value of having lawyers (or parties) deliver opening remarks during a mediation. How Children Cope with High Conflict Divorce: How are they harmed and what can parents do to help them? The Mutual Agreement pattern of divorce is one in which both mates are unhappy and jointly conclude that they will be happier being apart.
The overriding emotional need of both partners in the Unilateral and Compounded divorce patterns is to view themselves and be seen by others as good, moral, and worthwhile human beings.
The leaving partner is aware that the conduct leading to the divorce is morally and socially frowned upon. The left partner also demonizes his or her spouse, but first has to handle the shock, hurt, sadness, and dismay about being rejected by the leaving partner. Only then, the left spouse begins to assess his or her full responsibility for the break-up.
Not only has the left spouse been depicted by the leaving spouse as irrevocably flawed, but his or her failings have reportedly plagued the marriage for years. The left spouse rewrites the same marital history by ascribing to the mate years of failed parenting skills, unavailability, cold attitude and lack of commitment to the marriage. Since the left spouse is seen as responsible for the unhappy marriage, for the other partner's straying and or need to leave, he or she deserves to be punished.
The left spouse becomes outraged by not only being abandoned and betrayed, but being punished for sins he or she disavows. Despite all the vengeance, the leaving spouse desires approval and empathy from family, friends, and curiously enough even the spouse. The leaving partner demands that the left mate accept the new family and welcome the new partner to the fold. The left spouse is still dealing with confusion, shame, lowered self -esteem and outrage, as well as needing to rebuild a life in the midst of a personal crisis. With time, however, both spouses may find new loving relationships and may learn to deal with each other in a civil or even cooperative way.

It is important for mediators and collaborative lawyers to be aware of these emotional factors to be most helpful to their clients. Being sensitive to the timing of undertaking mediation or collaborative work is crucial to the long-term success of the process and outcome. The leaving partner needs to be reassured that his or Her choice is not due to being a morally unsound person. The left partner may be helped with reassurance that his or her worth does not depended upon the actions or opinions of the spouse and that counter-blame serves neither party. Both spouses need to be supported about their common goals, if none other, than the best interest of their children. The most important emotional help couples can receive is acceptance and affirmation of their worth, validation of their emotions and trust in their ability to reach a mutually beneficial agreement.
Mediation and collaborative law challenges attorneys to become more in tune with the psychological aspects of both spouses. Offra Gerstein is a licensed psychologist in clinical practice in Santa Cruz, California since 1975. Mediation Perspectives is a periodic blog entry provided by the CSS’ Mediation Support Team and occasional guest authors.
Despite a spot on Sean Combs' just-announced Bad Boy Family Reunion tour this year, hip hop's Lil Kim is still mired in money woes, with a foreclosure looming on her Alpine mansion. Even though Divorce Mediation enjoys a success rate of 80-85% it just isn’t right for every divorcing couple. When a couple files for divorce with the court they required to provide an accurate accounting of all of their financial assets and real estate‚ sources of income, joint and individual debts and monthly living expenses. When a husband or wife announces that they want a divorce it’s not often welcomed or just accepted gracefully. A: Direct, face to face communication is the most effective way to mediate a divorce so we naturally we conduct our sessions with both people in the same room. A: To work, divorce mediation sessions have to be conducted in a safe, non-threatening environment where both sides can feel comfortable discussing and debating divorce settlement issues, exchanging ideas and actively contributing to the process. You cannot force someone to stay married to you so you’re not giving in or giving up by accepting a necessary compromise.
During our initial consultation, based upon your interests, goals, and unique situation we can suggest an approach that might work best for you:  Facilitative Mediation or Collaborative Mediation. To preserve their self- worth, both mates engage in these five unfortunate stages, at different times throughout their divorce. To maintain a self-view of a moral person, while engaging in unacceptable conduct, requires demonizing the mate. He or she needs to wade through the five stages of adjusting to a loss, prior to reaching the demonizing phase.
This exonerates the left spouse from the blame assigned to him or her and reassigns it to the flawed character of the spouse.
The left spouse, who felt victimized from the start, is now ready to fight for his or her rights.
He or she expects the left spouse to accept full culpability for the break up so that the leaving spouse will be absolved of any wrongdoing. Both partners can negotiate better when they have each completed the five stages of loss and have reached the acceptance stage. However, the benefits to clients and the satisfaction for attorneys are well worth the efforts.
But even if you can barely be civil and stand the sight of one another you can still settle your divorce without resorting to an ugly, expensive courtroom battle, a foolish, self destructive strategy that usually just makes matters worse. And this is because people are conditioned and taught to believe their divorce is a legal problem instead of a personal problem with important legal implications, which is what it really is, and if experience teaches us anything it’s that the more our adversarial legal system is involved in your personal problems the worse your personal problems are going to get. These are a few examples of circumstances where legal representation is your best first option. Divorce mediators are trained to diffuse and resolve much of the usual tension and conflict that arises between divorcing couples to create an environment that allows both sides to feel comfortable actively contributing to the process.
Deliberately providing false information, hiding or failing to disclose all of this information to avoid its being included in the divorce settlement can create serious legal problems.

However, your divorce mediator will take a break during a session at an appropriate time to diffuse tension or to meet privately with one party and then the other to to discuss a sensitive issue that may be causing a stalemate. Divorce mediation sessions are geared toward finding and creating agreement, compromise and solving problems – not assigning blame, fault or guilt to either party. The hidden psychological reason is still the need to be absolved of any responsibility for leaving the original family. Her work with couples includes: mate selection, marriage, long term relationships, gay and lesbian couples, work relationships, parenting issues, family interactions, friendships, and conflict resolutions. What divorcing couples fighting in court over money, financial support, possessions and children are really doing is trying to throw the baby out – but keep the bathwater.
If the deception is discovered after the divorce is granted and final it will be an expensive, messy legal process to sort out and resolve. Having said that, it’s totally unrealistic to expect either party to a divorce mediation to remain completely calm and emotionless throughout the entire process. And that is what the judge is going to be looking for – for you both to agree on a settlement so they can sign off on your divorce. RIDMC President, Divorce Mediator Lori Grover, discusses the divorce mediation process and the many benefits it offers divorcing couples: Topics include creating your own divorce settlement outside of the legal system, financial preparation for divorce, what to do with a home having negative equity, creating your parenting plan and more followed by an open question & answer session.
Ascribing these negative, unforgivable and unchangeable traits to the spouse renders the leaving partner a victim and justifies his or her need to leave. The leaving spouse seeks to deprive the other spouse of any material gains and even a fair access to the children.
When a history of serious verbal or physical abuse and intimidation or especially physical violence has happened in a marriage it can hang in the air like a cloud and stifle the discussion making the trust needed to resolve their problems fairly and agree on a settlement almost impossible so such couples aren’t good candidates for the use of mediation. If you have proof or good reason to suspect your spouse is deliberately hiding or squandering money or financial assets or has a long history of day to day deception and dishonesty it’s highly unlikely they will mediate in good faith and honor a mediated divorce agreement so you should consult with a family law attorney experienced with forensic financial asset research to represent you. Our hearts go out to individuals and families who find themselves in this impossibly difficult situation, as it one with no clear, easy way forward. Weissman and The Financials of Divorce with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
It’s why many bitter, angry couples with children, large bank accounts and especially successful business interests continue to fight long after their divorce is over. When you use divorce mediation you reduce or even eliminate the threat of legal force and replace it with civility, cooperation and a sense of fairness (and possibly even goodwill) that you will not enjoy with an aggressively litigated divorce. How badly they suffer depends on how much you both drag them into it by coercing and persuading them to take sides against your ex or feel sorry for you.
And be assured these things will go a long way toward helping to solve the personal problems your divorce created.
In our experience a person’s repeated inability to control their feelings and anger to successfully negotiate is a warning sign that reveals deeper personal issues that would be better resolved with a therapist in private at some point, but unfortunately it often surfaces as an aggressive, irrational legal strategy in court. The vast majority of financial issues are easily and inexpensively resolved using divorce mediation if both you agree to be reasonable, but there are rules, loopholes, exemptions and exceptions that can come into play in the legal system when money, financial assets, debt and especially business interests are involved. This plays out as unrealistic, even ridiculous settlement expectations and demands that make the divorce process a long, stressful and brutally expensive ordeal, even with the best attorney.
This is what’s at the center of so many nasty, self-destructive divorces that play out in family courts everywhere.
If you have children you both have a deeply vested interest in learning how to keep your feelings in check by any means necessary. But remember, the object of the game once you enter the legal system for a divorce is a settlement, and unless your spouse is Jack the Ripper or Lizzie Borden they still have legal rights and the court can’t just strip them away to make you happy. Compromise is a necessary part of reaching a divorce settlement and that’s the point. One way or another you’re going to have to compromise and settle if you want a divorce.

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