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I was going to write about something else today -- I have a couple of big-concept posts I've been meaning to write up and get around to -- but, heck, the last post I put up was a big-concept post so I figured let's have a quick breather from that and get something a little lighter up first.
There are a bunch of lessons I eventually took away from those experiences that I'll share with you today.
So, you write out a really long, thorough, detailed message to someone, and you send it -- and she never writes back. One of the basics of investment and the Law of Least Effort is that, the more invested someone becomes in you, the more willing they are to invest more in you. The more your message makes someone think and rack her brain to respond or figure out what to do next, the more you're asking her to invest.
And if you haven't thoroughly streamlined your message by considering how it's going to affect her, you risk forcing her to invest heavily to overcome prejudices or feelings of offense you've elicited in her by saying something clumsy.
And if you make her work hard, and she isn't already invested in you, she's almost always going to simply not do so -- she just won't be willing to put the work in.
When I got that long email from that reader, I took one look at it, then looked at all the other things I had to do (this was when I was packing up, trying to finish up a number of things on my to-do list, and trying to get set for a 30 hour ride on the Transsiberian Railroad), and figured I'd try and get back to it later.
I didn't end up remembering to respond or having the time to skim it and write a proper response until today -- half a month later.
And women on the Internet aren't running their own websites, their own businesses, or trying to give back. If a girl passes over your message because it's too long, or too hard to figure out, or asks her to do too much mental footwork, she plainly and simply isn't going to circle back to it later. And on top of that, the amount of time and effort I put into constructing those incredibly long messages simply wasn't justified by the meager returns they generated. Visual appearance is key -- you can feel like you're not saying much, but it takes up four paragraphs.
That's right; Message 2 is vastly more likely both to get a response, and to get a useful response. You need to make it easy for women and help them think to avoid ending up with message abandonment issues. Those three things will improve your reply rates to the messages you send so much you'll want to shake my hand. Always take the time to imagine how you'd receive a message like the one you're sending if you received it from a stranger.
I'll note that while I don't talk about online dating a whole lot on here, I used to do it quite a bit as a supplement to meeting women in the real world.
I know, it's tempting when you read a great profile or find a girl you're REALLY excited about to write her a novel telling her everything about yourself and relating it back to her -- such a message can even feel like a masterpiece as you put it together -- but take it from me (having written many such masterpieces in the past) -- yeah, those don't work. No matter how beautifully constructed such messages may be, no matter how much of a perfect match the two of you really are, a girl's going to see a monster message like that, and instantly click the "back" button. All the same points as the last message, except pay special note to the attainability statement in the first paragraph ("if you're a free spirit like I'm a free spirit, anyway :D").
I specify the day instead of the message here because there's a chance you trade 10 short, jokey messages back and forth in a day, or one message a day, and it isn't the message count that matters so much as how comfortable she's gotten with you. Emails tend to look similar to online dating messages, except a little bit meatier and less focused with capturing short attention spans. Note that, again, we keep it relatively short, though not so short as an online dating message since you're already familiar with this girl at this point and she's familiar with you. And finally, we think about it from her perspective -- keeping things both interesting, and upbeat. Message writing can feel daunting at first, but understand that it's both a skill and an art -- like well nigh everything else. The lessons you take away from online dating message writing can be readily applied to email writing, texting, even voicemails, phone conversations, and face-to-face interactions. And whenever you aren't getting the results you want, take it back to the basics, and ask yourself if you're keeping it short (long messages are scary), if you're helping her think (is it easy for her to understand you and respond to you?), and if you're walking a mile in her shoes (is she going to want to read your message, is she going to enjoy it and feel good, and is she going to want to write back and have further interaction with you?).
Sign up for our email insights series and get a copy of our popular ebook “How to Text Girls” FREE. Just found this article from last year and as much as I like and and plan to give the ideas some play time my experience has been pretty different.
So I met a girl online, we exchanged a few great emails over the day, she would reply right within an hour or so and had a good connection going. I asked her what she did for work and she responded with something about being a numbers person and asked what I do..
Since I wrote this post on online dating emails, I’ve had a bunch of questions on first emails, plus a few examples that guys wanted me to critique for them.
I’m seeing the same mistakes over and over in the messages, and I want to go over some of the problems these guys are having with their first online dating emails, as well as things to keep in mind when you write your messages.

Here’s an example where someone changed one of the emails I have here on the blog and it totally changed the tone of the message making it work against the guy who sent it. People act according to our expectations a lot of the time, so a better way to write that is “Looking forward to talking hearing from you. Telling her you liked her profile and she sounds like an amazing person is okay, but it doesn’t prove you actually read it.
I try to quote something she said, or say that she mentioned such-and-such in her profile and I think X about it.
But… and this is a BIG but, the messages I send that are long… and the messages that I’ve seen other guys send that are long, can be incredibly successful. You can’t totally overcome this, but you can get around it to some extent by telling her that you are on your way to do something cool but she seemed SO interesting that you just HAD to send her a message. You can ask her to look at your profile, but assume that she is going to like it, like you, and be compelled to write you back. I can’t tell you how many emails I see from guys who send them in to me, or guys who have responded to one of my fake female profiles who sound like they are parroting the latest bullshit they read on some dating site. If you want more about emails, I have free stuff here on the blog and some good emails in two of my products. Write with confidencePeople like confidence, far more than wishy-washy use of language.
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Even after googling everything you need to know about the most 'desirable' profile, it can still be hard to write about yourself. While many imitators have emerged over the years, no company matches our world wide media recognition, unparalleled customer feedback, and outstanding writing credentials. But I want to lay these out first -- because they're so vital to solid message writing -- and we'll get into the "whys" and the "hows" in a moment. You know, people who don't know you from Jack -- you may be an exceptional human being, but they just don't know that yet.
Confused and maybe a little miffed, you write her off as obviously not realizing what an awesome guy you are. When your broker tries to hard sell Stock E at you, you're likely to just tune him out and tell him you want to invest in Stock A again, unless he presents his message exactly right. Without good, solid, effective message writing, you're going to be left out in the cold while people invest in things they already know -- instead of in you.
And, try as I do to respond when I can, I probably have other long messages I've gotten that I've simply not had time to respond to when I got them and forgotten to ever go back to. Before we do though, let's take a quick look through the mechanics -- the nuts and bolts of how emails and online dating messages work. But I'd say, keep it to two brief paragraphs maximum, with perhaps a one- or two-line goodwill statement at the end. I consider myself a fairly good writer -- I've been writing for a pretty darn long time -- but when I first plunged into online dating a number of years back and shot girls a bunch of long messages, all of which were exceptionally well-written, of course, I got back diddly squat. If you're thorough, like I am, there's always the inclination to refer to every single point she raises to ensure she feels understood, but this can lead to excessive length. That's because it includes a clear call to action and it makes it a LOT easier for Lily to decide how to respond.
What time do you want to meet?" He makes it very easy for her to know what to do next; thus, he also makes it a lot more likely she responds. This should go without saying, but you'd be surprised how often messages get written without a guy stopping and considering how a girl will receive them. If you'd feel a little annoyed at the length or the tone or you wouldn't know how to respond to it, you have some edits to make. It's useful too for getting good at learning how to write to women and finding out what's effective and what isn't. So you also know you've got to be different, intriguing, and light -- she should enjoy getting a message from you.
But if you throw in some unique perspectives -- joking that she doesn't look like she'd be a stonecutter, telling her the town's only bad until she gets initiated -- you're a lot more likely to capture her interest and get a reply. It's a little funny the first time, and it's unexpected and a little funny the second time. If you have a girl's email, chances are you've met in person and exchanged some conversation already at this point.
Was awesome to both find the book I was looking for and make a cool new friend at the same time. Hopefully you aced the hell out of it and were the first one done, and all the other students glared at you in envy as you glided out the door to take the rest of the day off. Let me know if a weeknight or the weekend is better for you, and we'll set the unstoppable gears of planning our liaison in motion. If she's had a hard day of test taking, offering her an upbeat alternative gives her the chance to escape into your message -- and a date painted as an escape sounds quite inviting too. It's something you improve at with time, and it's something that if you remember to apply the fundamental rules of success to it, you'll maximize your chances of doing okay at from the outset. You get pretty rapid feedback -- if women aren't responding, or if they're taking a long time to write back, or if they're writing back but their responses are tepid, you know you've got some revision ahead of you. I think most of it is your pictures and a little luck but I'll report back if I'm proved wrong after trying your ideas.
In a blog post about writing first online dating emails, I said to comment on the things you like in her profile. I would say to compliment her or try to make a connection with her with 2 examples from her profile, maybe 3… but no more. If you send the first message, you are already at a disadvantage because she has invested nothing and you have invested the time to write her a message. This confidence will show through and separate you from almost everyone she gets a message from.
He has a passion for teaching how to use human psychology to date more women and become a better person.

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But it was always much more of an intellectual discussion, and a lot less of an, "Oh boy, it's on!" kind of situation.
That's on all my latest posts, many of the most popular ones, and I'm gradually going back and adding it to all earlier posts. You might not notice that unless you take a moment to walk a mile in her shoes -- but as soon as you do, and you add that statement in there, now suddenly you've transformed an accusation into a neat little "us vs. It ties the message together and makes it stronger, and you've quite possibly created an inside joke all on your own (she's likely to write back joking about trespassing on personal property next time if she has a decent sense of humor). And this link will take you to Instant Internet Attraction, where you can get my crash course in online dating.
Being proactive and sending an appropriate number of emails is important, but avoid templates messages that are so generic it's obvious they are copy-and-paste jobs. But inadvertently they may be closing off dating possibilities, in preference for their career, travelling and a carefree lifestyle. While we have no doubt that women have the ability to write great profiles, we are firm believers that nobody has more insight into how a man thinks and behaves than an actual man, and for that reason, maintain an exclusively male staff. Don’t settle one more day for an unfulfilled love life and start living your dream life today!
And the interest in the discussion usually petered out after a few messages and ran its course. It's too much mental footwork, and people -- everybody, just about -- want you to make things easy on them. An Irish woman included that she missed men with an Irish accent - I sent a quick message that said "I can totally fake an Irish accent you should hear it!" - two year relationship, another said she was looking for men over 45. Or this product for Magnetic Profiles which has a section on writing emails as well as how to write a killer profile. And that there is a right way and a wrong way when it comes to the strategies of online dating. And in a fast and busy medium like online dating, sounding like everybody else is about the worst thing you can possibly do. I’m 6’1” in 3” heels so does that cut it?”End With Your NameSigning with your name instantly warms up the tone of the email. 43 at the time I sent her a message that just said, I'll be 45 in a couple of years, you should wait for me" - had a date the next night. Most importantly, post a well-crafted profile and put in the hard work when it comes to searching for matches, messaging them, responding to standouts and meeting in person. Does it reflect who you really are and what you want in a partner, or does it read like a cheesy personal from the 80's? It’s no wonder online dating is so popular.Also, the stigma associated with finding love online is well and truly gone. I will put up new photos and maybe reach out to that first guy with a nice little email (hopefully he will read it because I came up looking desperate and trying way to hard to be nice and he turned me down….all like you explained on your site). In one study of 25,000 couples it was found that 37% of people in the 60+ age group found their partner online, compared with 19% in the 20-29 year old age group[1]. Which confirms that older daters are ruling the online roost!I was recently a guest speaker on ABC radio in Brisbane where I outlined my successful strategies for midlife singles dating online. Essentially, focus on the person and why they should write to you.Relate, then addIdeally, you should stick to one topic so your message is focused. If there are two that go hand-in-hand, you can expand, but more than that and you risk sounding too interested for a simple hello. Move to offline meeting early on as real relationships happen in person, not behind a computer screen.(3) Expand Your Dating HorizonsYour twenties are the ideal time to find out what you do and do not like. Many people underestimate the importance of a well-written profile, free from spelling and grammatical errors and cheesy cliches. Relate well to her and show interest by asking questions, but also add enough detail about your own life to keep the momentum moving.
You may even be surprised by what you find if you take the time to explore options, as opposed to shutting too many doors or getting stuck dating the same 'type'.
Your profile must encapsulate YOU - Your main interests, your sense of humour and your values.
Yes, you’ll be judged on how you look in the photo, but rather than feel gloomy about this fact, you just need to OWN IT! If it sounds conversational—like something you’d actually say face to face—then you’re on the right track. No matter what your shape or size, a clear flattering photo with a great outfit showing you at your confident best is a sure fire way to attract promising interest.
Humour is very subjective  – what’s funny to you may be incomprehensible to your potential date. Too many people use texting as an easy and convenient way to communicate, but getting to know each other should not be convenient; it should be personal. That’s one place I’ve never been – what places are on your hit list?” If there isn't much detail in her profile and you're grasping at straws for a connection, make a joke of it even.
If she says she’s looking for someone kind and smart, you could say something like “I’m kind of smart.

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