John Stamos and Lifetime movies are a rare combining of pop culture pleasures so great that they cease to be guilty. Here's Stamos, playing a pastor.Lifetime movies fit Stamos like a glove, allowing him to throw televised fits not seen since his Blackie days and chew up every close-up with his emoting eyes.
As this is Lifetime, I can state the obvious up front: there's a lady and she has a total asshole for a husband. The hottest baptism ever shown on LifetimeStamos plays a small-town pastor who wears jeans and fitted flannel(-patterned) shirts with three-quarter sleeves. Well, the medical examiner soon sets the detective straight, and now she's got a murder on her hand! The detective starts poking around amongst Alice's lady friends, and finds out that she had broken up with her husband because he was an asshole who beat her, then recently took him back for unknown reasons. I don't like Stamos' jeans, but I like his back grasp.Lifetime, of course, doesn't show anything more risque than some slow-motion panting, but Stamos is a TV veteran and knows how to work a white undershirt.
But not only does Reverend Stamos never wear anything remotely conservative-looking, he's a shitty pastor.
Faced with this rejection, is it any surprise that Alice goes back to her asshole husband who enjoyed beating her within an inch of her life? It doesn't really make sense, but I guess I'm willing to go along with it, especially because there's never enough proof to arrest anyone. Jennifer Boudinot is a freelance writer, editor, and social media marketer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. As many of you know, I occasionally like to take a break from watching sleazy Lifetime movies by watching saccharine Hallmark movies. Use the form below to delete this Sakis Mpoulas Alexandra Ousta 308x231jpg image from our index.
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This small-town man of God has all the hallmarks of a religious righteousness: compassion, attentiveness, and platitudes. Alice is the perfect mother and wife with a seemingly perfect husband and marriage…until the flashbacks start.

Detective Benincasa is a well-respected member of the local police force, and she realises something is up from the beginning.
Kate is Alice and George’s teenage daughter, once again a seemingly cookie-cutter good girl.
Along with being the proprietor of the local new-age shop, Heather has some kind of thing about angels and write badly reviewed books on them. A minister's faith is shattered after one of his newly baptized members is murdered by her abusive husband, who then commits suicide. But you don't even need to know that to understand how eager I was watch Stamos take off his clothes in "Secrets of Eden." You just have to be someone who likes to sleep with men.
She and her domestic-violence-loving spouse are played by stereotypical Lifetime actors (vaguely recognizable and blandy attractive), probably because the Stamos is so expensive -- double whammy, because his mastery of TV acting makes them also seem boring in comparison.
He starts off the movie by baptising Alice (the lady-tagnoist), and -- naturally -- she has a picnic to celebrate, but her asshole husband can't come because of work. Even though the husband was shot through the back of the head from several feet away, they determine that it's a suicide, because the gun in his hand. She's also not at all mad at herself for letting some random guy onto the scene of a murder to clean up.
She had also started to become more spiritual, as evidenced by her going into Heather's spiritual bookshop for the first time even though she had read all her books. As hot as these all-to-brief flashbacks were, "Secrets of Eden" didn't really deliver on the bad pastor front. Or so I'm assuming, because we don't seem him deliver a single sermon except for Alice's funeral in the movie -- mostly he's just hanging out in an empty church, waiting to have one-on-one confrontations with various women. He stands by his choice to make impassioned love to Alice during her separation, even when the detective confronts him with Alice's lime-green diary of secrets. He seems totally sober when he does it, but I guess after the fact he decides to sit in his La-Z-Boy and drink some beer, because that's where his daughter finds him, passed out with a bottle in his hand, and shoots him in the back of the head with his gun. I mean, she's an 18-year-old girl who had every right to be terrified of her dad and go temporarily insane, but Stamos decides it would be better for her to keep the secret that she killed her father for the rest of her life, and for him to ruin his life by taking the fall for a crime he didn't commit, because her mother would have wanted it that way. He also wears tight shirts and fashionable shoes, so forgive us for being a bit suspicious. Once she sets Pastor Drew firmly in her sights, she does everything she can to get her man.
She also has a thing for Pastor Drew, and decides the best time to act on it is after her friend Alice is killed and Drew is under suspicion for her murder.

She does know that she’s suspicious of Pastor Drew, like every single other person in town, and when Kate parents are murdered, Ginny steps up to take the orphaned high schooler in out of the cold. George is your classic abusive husband, beating his wife to a pulp one minute and writing her crap poetry full of apologies the next. The pastor (John Stamos) meets an author (Anna Gunn) working on a book about angels who helps him face his demons, and the law. And if you are, and you were born between 1978 and 1985, you probably have enough Stamos pop-ins (if he doesn't have a permanent space on your bench) that it will be totally worth it for you to watch this movie. During the picnic we also find out that Alice recently got back together with her husband, and that they have a teenaged daughter who loves The Fray.
I spent many of my pre-teen years crushing on my church's engaged youth pastor (yes, I had a lot going on back then). But apparently the stress of being a hot pastor who has unmarried sex up against walls really was too much to bear, because in one of the last flashbacks of the movie (a short, uninspired "I can't do this anymore" scene), we find out that Stamos was the one who dumped Alice.
The movie goes to great lengths to show us how happy and independent Alice feels while separated -- there's even a dancing around the kitchen while making cookies montage! Alice also has a vaguely ethnic friend Heather, who shows up for five seconds to give her a Ganesh statue and meet Pastor Stamos (who's called "Pastor Drew" in the movie, in a strange throwback to Untouchable). And since it was just a suicide, might as well let the local pastor, clad in blue rubber gloves (even the gloves are tight) clean up the house, right?
Meanwhile, because I have seen several hundred episodes of Law & Order, I realize that it was totally the daughter that did it. Now that I'm an atheist, I had been looking forward to enjoying some pastor-sex fantasies with some Stamos flavor mixed in -- without worrying about the hell-related consequences!
First he's banging a married parishioner on the regular, then he hooks up with a non-Christian after she dies!
So it really makes no sense that she'd go back to her husband, especially since every one of her gossipy friends say that they encouraged Alice to get a restraining order and a divorce.
But since being on stage with a band as old as the Beach Boys has always cast an unattractive haze over Stamos's drumming performances, I'll take what I can get here.
In any Lifetime movie worth its salt there'd be some angry people on his lawn, or at least he'd give an emotional sermon where he asks for forgiveness.

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