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31.10.2014
For the purposes of this blog post, the italicized him is that loathsome entity who wished to erase my soul.
First on my list of crappy experiences after surviving abuse is the always present memory of him and how we acted together. I remember thinking he was everywhere (or, at least his friends who were tasked with keeping an eye on me were). I remember the tremor of fear that went through me when his boots hit the floor, signalling that he was in for the night (believe it or not, I could tell what kind of night it would be by the sound his boots made as they fell). I remember paying so much attention to him that I failed to pay attention to myself, and to an extent, failed to pay attention to my children. I remember skipping down The La-La Trail not only because it was traumatic and my brain replays those movies at will, but because I am afraid to forget it. I want new memories, but making good ones seems to carry a 50-50 chance of being compared to the memories I made with him.
Second on my list of crappy things that happened after abuse involves my paranoia combined with the fact I know I’m paranoid.
And the really sorry thing is that I had a chance to reunite with the model boyfriend, but turned it down because I was already afraid of what he might do to me.
Today, instead of focusing on a man’s positive qualities, I listen intently for his mistakes.


Number three on my list of crappy things is learning that avoiding abuse did not help me avoid substance abusers.
The friend who broke my heart into little bitty pieces didn’t do it because he wanted to control me.
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Existing in abuse with him robbed me of that high standard and replaced it with a paranoid comparison between men and him. Substance abusers, if you haven’t noticed, are emotional roller coasters that will not stop to let you off no matter how much you beg. I personally am past the #1 issue, however the second is exactly where I’m at in my life right now.
But my ex passed that test with flying colors (at first); later on I was too invested to dig my way out. And really, I broke my heart more than he did because I’m the one who chose to walk away.
Abusers aren’t used to being called on their crap and typically answer sarcastically, and non-abusers look befuddled before saying anything. The emotional roller coaster looping around substance abuse is different from the one encircling domestic violence.


I feel like The Abuse Monitor, jotting down names and keeping track of demerits that could get you kicked off the bus. The only thing they have in common is the possibility of losing myself either on The La-La Trail of relationship abuse or in the pit of substance codependency.
He continues to appear and present very well and I find myself wrestling with whether I did the right thing. A former abuse victim told me just yesterday, that when the time comes, I’ll know and I will just HAVE to get out. My fear of what he would do next occupied so much of my brainpower that I couldn’t comprehend the relationship needs of my babies. I’m actually not game to get involved with anyone and am trying to be at peace being single before I hopefully change my pattern of being attracted to this type of man.



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Comments to «Healthy relationships after domestic violence»

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