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Sep 03, 2013 Sometimes assertiveness gets a bad name, because people confuse it with aggressiveness.
Few of us are exactly in the middle of this yardstick, but all of us can benefit from consciously practicing assertive behavior.
In this episode, we first go through a brief summary of the entire book … chapter by chapter.
Assertiveness is largely the realization that you are in control of what you will or will not do, but not in control of what others will or will not do. If you attempt to be assertive instead of your normal response to stress (whether it be passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive), the people around you might not react positively – not because assertiveness is bad, but because they’ve come to expect that you’re passive or aggressive. You are in charge of your own behavior, others are in charge of their behavior.That’s really the key point of this entire book. This chapter offers a very long checklist of nonverbal behaviors for you to work on to make your presence felt in a room without dominating others aggressively.
Passive people tend to not give their opinion at all, while aggressive people tend to state their opinion in such a way to make it clear that other opinions are wrong – neither one is cool. The best way to give good positive feedback is to avoid all ulterior motives. Never give a false compliment, nor a backhanded one. If you cannot say no to someone or something, you’re not in charge of your life.Learning how to say no doesn’t mean you’ve decided to ignore the needs and wants everyone around you.
Another part of balancing assertiveness well without falling into passivity or aggressiveness is to make requests that are clear but aren’t controlling.
Sometimes, confrontations are unavoidable, particularly when someone is demanding more than is realistic or socially unacceptable. If you have an idea for a podcast you would like to see or a question about an upcoming episode, e-mail me. The main objective of this training programme is to replace ineffective behaviour patterns, such as aggressive and submissive behaviour, with effective assertive behaviour patterns. The ability to express ourselves with confidence and to be able to stand up and be recognised is vital to the successful achievement of personal and business goals.
Have tools and techniques to become more assertive and influence people more effectively in future. Anybody who would like to improve their confidence and their communication and influencing skills when dealing with customers, colleagues or other staff at all levels in an organisation. Thank you for all the information and useful tools you passed on to me at the Assertiveness Training course. Assertive staff are extremely lucrative to companies because they can express themselves freely, get things done, don’t take no for an answer (which is useful when dealing with clients) while at the same time appear polite, professional and fair.
This course contains many practical, step-by step guidelines on how to approach others and construct sentences to get maximum results.
The best approach to master assertive techniques is to go through case studies, participate in practical exercises and keep repeatedly performing the skill until it is completely memorised. Optional content and exercises are provided which you can use to extend the course to more than 1 day. The philosophy behind this course is to help the delegates to practice these daily encounters in a controlled environment using a variety of powerful exercises on assertiveness and communication skills that help the delegates put together effective words and mean what they have in mind to get results. Many delegates may know what they ought to do, but when it comes to it, they may feel paralysed and helpless. Once payment has been processed, you will receive instructions by email and will be given links to the download pages.
Skills Converged is a unique company that provides professionally designed fully-customisable training course materials based on the latest research in learning & development.
We can also provide this training course for your staff or your organisation anywhere in the UK. Slideshare uses cookies to improve functionality and performance, and to provide you with relevant advertising. Clipping is a handy way to collect and organize the most important slides from a presentation. Self-assured, assertive kids are not only less likely to be picked on by their peers, they're also less likely to bully others. If you find anything wrong with this product listing, perhaps the description is wrong, the author is incorrect, or it is listed in the wrong category, then please contact us.
Submit 5 page Summaryearn $1 for each copy sold.We are looking for a freelance writer who can draft a well written 5 page summary of this (e)book. But if there were a yardstick to measure human behavior, assertiveness would fall right in the middle, with passiveness at one end and aggressiveness at the other. Randy Paterson takes on the spectrum of assertiveness problems and strives to point people towards an appropriate, mentally healthy level of assertiveness in their lives. Passive people tend to not recognize the control of what they themselves do, while aggressive people tend to try to control what everyone does (and passive-aggressive folks alternate between the two in often-confusing ways).


They might be confused as to how you’re acting and it might make the relationship worse in the short term. Naturally passive people, for example, believe that assertiveness is selfishness and passivity is the way to be loved and valued – neither of which is actually true.
You may naturally be a passive person, but you can choose to act in ways that are assertive. Integrating these individual behaviors can be difficult, so Paterson encourages people to practice each behavior for a week, focusing intently on that behavior, until it starts to become at least a little natural. They view it as unbalancing the situation and either should be ignored, devalued, or met with a reciprocal compliment. You should also try to compliment things that have already happened, like complimenting someone on a lovely dinner after the dinner. This is very hard for passive people to do, but there are a few principles that can make negative feedback really helpful.
Confrontations are occasionally part of appropriate assertiveness, as long as you prepare for that confrontation in a rational fashion.
If things get intense, emotions tend to take over and no resolution to the problem can happen. How many times have you told yourself that you could have done better when handling a conversation only to repeat the same mistakes again? Delegates will learn about the right attitudes, body language, styles of communication and psychology behind manners such as passive-aggressive behaviour.
This approach which is used in this course allows the delegates to learn the content fully during the course and leave the course knowing that they can confidently address real-world challenges as they appear. The course contains optional content and many practical exercises which you can use to easily extended the course to cover more than one day. We are engaged in different conversations everyday and use ever more sophisticated ways to communicate with our friends, family and colleagues. This course will be incredibly useful for anyone who has ever wondered he or she could have done better in a previous conversation. Courses are designed with attention to detail both on content and style so that you can deliver unique state-of-the-art courses to your clients and get maximum results. Download our training resources and extend your portfolio to meet market demand and deliver state-of-the-art interactive training courses.
But it's not always easy for children to find a healthy middle ground between passivity and aggression.
If you see yourself as usually at one extreme or the other, self-esteem may be an issue for you to explore further.
Having that appropriate level allows a person to easily stand up for themselves, their ideas, and their goals, enabling them to climb the career ladder and build what they want for themselves. Assertiveness simply means sticking up for yourself – your time, your energy, your money, your work, and your ideas. Similarly, naturally aggressive people believe that full honesty is always the best policy and that if they’re not aggressive nothing will happen – neither of which is actually true.
Sure, you can use aggression to strongly influence other’s choices, but there’s a huge cost there – resentment happens whether you see it or not.
You may naturally be aggressive, but you can choose to scale back on the aggression towards others.
I find that, for me, it takes more than a week of such focus for it to become a natural behavior. State it from your perspective: “My take is…” or “I enjoyed it…” Don’t criticize other’s views – it’s quite likely that other reasonable people will have their own take that differs from yours.
First of all, state what you observed so that they understand the specific element you’re coming from. First, state the issue to yourself and make sure you understand why this is an unresolved problem.
Try to keep your voice even and don’t show off obvious signs of agitation – if you feel that way, take a time out.
It provides them with the tools and techniques to communicate confidently and to effectively influence others. Handling other people, whether they are aggressive or passive, is something we all need to do no matter what we do in our jobs and doing it well consistently requires a skill. If you run the course for more than one day, an exercises included in the course allows you give homework to delegates which you can subsequently use the next day to see how well delegates have learned the skills discussed in the course. The more opportunity to communicate, the more we need to know how to effectively express ourselves and handle all sorts of communication challenges. Instead, exercises are designed to teach them the sequence until they absorb the material in their long term memory through repeated use. If your child is a frequent target for bullies, or has begun to tease and take advantage of other kids, the easy and effective activities in Cool, Calm, and Confident can help.


Assertiveness strikes a happy balance between passiveness and aggressiveness, enabling you to control your own destiny without treading on others.
Paterson works through a ton of such beliefs in this chapter, evaluating why they’re not generally true and offering techniques for eliminating them from your life.
Similarly, if you’re passive and let others dictate your choices, you become their doormat. This works in almost any conversation and, when prefaced that way, is almost always welcome. Accept a compliment with a polite “Thank you” and move on with life, accepting the complement as a positive. First, decide what you’re going to say before you even speak – if you don’t know yet, then don’t answer. I am delighted to have attended your course and will look forward to further courses in the future.
For example, it is not always easy to assertively say no, but then if you know how to say it correctly it may not be that difficult. These simple exercises help children stand up for themselves without coming across as aggressive, learn to be both kind and assertive, and develop self-confidence and a positive self-image.
Things may get worse before they get better, but they will get better – for you and for the people around you. If anyone attacks you for stating what you think – if you make it clear that it’s just your take – they are the ones who will come off as aggressive and rude, not you. Of course, sometimes compliments are given with an ulterior motive, but you cannot honestly know what the motives of others are. Don’t try to change their mind or argue with them – it won’t work and creates more of a scene.
Specify means identifying clearly (but briefly) what you’d like the other person to do to change the situation. Is it a realistic conclusion (“he makes sexist comments and demands ridiculous things of me, so the problem is that he’s sexist”) or unrealistic (“he leaves the toilet seat up so he doesn’t love me”)? Using this workbook is an easy and effective way to instill self-esteem in both passive and aggressive children-a strength that will prove invaluable in childhood, in their teenage years, and throughout their lives. Instead, the best solution is to simply minimize the stress so that we don’t slip into our default biological “flight or fight” response – instead, we deal with it rationally, using a cool head, and often wind up choosing the best solution for the problem (usually, the assertive one). Relationship strain is natural and should be expected, but in the end, assertiveness will make you more valuable, not less, and will build stronger relationships.
You’re going to make some mistakes along the way – that’s fine, just keep trying to find that sweet spot of assertiveness. Instead, respond positively to the comment in the now and allow other actions and statements to reveal the other person’s true character. Don’t try to soften the “no” or else aggressive folks will see it as practically a “yes.” Don’t apologize and don’t make excuses for the “no” unless you’re actually changing your statement from an earlier promise.
Next, figure out what you want to come out of the confrontation – do you want a behavioral change or do you want a person to reflect and make a personal change within themselves? Help children to: Learn the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive behavior Behave in ways that discourage teasing Understand their rights and stand up for themselves Stay calm and learn skills for managing anger Make real and lasting friendshipsTo view this DRM protected ebook on your desktop or laptop you will need to have Adobe Digital Editions installed.
You can minimize your stress by eating well, getting adequate sleep, minimizing your caffeine intake, getting exercise, and trying to live a balanced life that mixes work, personal, and leisure time. One great technique is to minimize your communications – focus on making your messages as slim as possible, only communicating the bare assertive essentials. Quite often, particularly from people with aggression issues, the negative feedback has little to do with you but instead has to do with their own hangups. Also, many aggressive people will continually keep asking if they want something – if you’ve decided to say “no,” keep saying it and don’t reword it (which is a cue that you’re starting to waffle). Surprisingly, it’s quite easy to condense these four pieces down into a total of just a few sentences, but they’re all needed to make a clear and fair request of others. Ask yourself if it’s really you that needs to change, and make sure you’re picking a worthwhile battle here.
You can also utilize quick stress responses that are outside the “fight or flight” dichotomy, like stopping and breathing deeply a few times. Careful reflection will reveal whether the feedback is something you need to work on or something to ignore.
Then, choose an appropriate place and time and make sure you’re safe during this confrontation (as some aggressive people tend to not react well in such situations). Doing these things will make confrontations much more palatable and likely to achieve a result you want and less likely to result in ongoing problems.



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