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When you start to take in the traits that confident people have you will start to build self confidence. Facebook Twitter Google+ LinkedInThere are a million different resources and pieces advice out there from “experts” on how to build confidence, particularly self-confidence.
After lifetimes of being subject to images and ideals that they cannot possibly live up to, people start to feel like they are “less than”. So how did I get to this from being a “nice” guy that did all I could to avoid confrontation and anxiety-provoking situations?
Let’s have a look at the different things I have done that I believe contributed most to being as confident as I am today.
Writing down the detailed answers to these questions, using as much emotive and descriptive language as possible, is a good starting point. I remember reading about a study at Oxford University: researchers asked all students in a class who had written down their goals. There are plenty of free resources out there on how to write goals (including The Inspirational Lifestyle). While there are far too many refuse-bin-worthy self-development books out there, your safest bet is to read the memoirs and how-to books which are written by people who have actually achieved something. It really is simple; if someone like Richard Branson is a billionaire, he’s probably a pretty reliable source of information on how to make money.
Most of the time the reason you feel anxious or nervous about a situation you’re about to go into (e.g. This is why I’ve titled this article “9 ways to build confidence from the outside in”, because I believe building confidence goes far beyond just reading inspirational or educational books etc. This is one of the scariest things for people to do – very few can do it sober without a background in cold-calling or sales of some kind. If you don’t have at least one hobby on the go at all times then what are you doing with your free time? 1) By learning a range of skills and having varied experiences you start building up transferable abilities. 2) You will eventually find those things that bring you the most pleasure and satisfaction (in a non-creepy way of course). Successful people always say “how can we do this?” whereas unsuccessful people generally say “why should we do this?” What kind of people do you spend the most time with?
People showing you that anything is possible and that they believe you are capable of anything will go a long way towards helping you believe this yourself. Finally, the biggest lesson I ever really learned about developing true all-round confidence is that the only person I should compare myself to is… myself. Dan MunroDan is a lifestyle and success coach, with his own company The Inspirational Lifestyle Ltd. If you’ve been suffering from low self-esteem or a lack of assertiveness all your life, you may be wondering how this article can teach you how to build self-confidence.
I have been such a failure at believing in myself for so many years, so let me become your living example. Let me share my story of how I moved from feeling chronically insecure to really pumped up and excited in just one day. A year later, a very good friend of mine convinced me to go study NLP (neuro-linguistic-programming) with Richard Bandler, the man who co-created the technique. What I didn’t know then is that how big my persistence would pay, just a few days later.
The first thing I did on the third day on Gili air was to practice a technique based on the Sedona method. I knew that you just can’t afford to dwell in such a mental place very long without paying a heavy price, so I was very eager to change. I focused on one step at a time, while never losing sight of my goal, seeking to gain all the physical experience and feelings it would provide me. I made the experience as vivid as possible, and reminded my senses of it before falling asleep that night.
My ego, the part of me stuck in old patterns, was trying its best to protect me from success, which for it meant death, but that’s another story. I realized that my goals didn’t excite me because they were just too small for my ambition.
I have deliberately skipped some steps, because I would need a whole book to explain everything I did. I know what it is to be in a mental prison of shame, inadequacies, panic, anxiety and self-doubt.
Awesome… thanks for sharing your story of triumph – you are definitely an inspiration! Yesterday I completed my first Olympic Triathlon which was incredibly tough, and the mental talk has been bothering me for 6 weeks, I couldnt train, I felt like its impossible for me to do, even the day I woke up, not wanting to, but a friend encouraged me and when I was there, I was so focused on finishing it didnt matter. A lot of people who self-medicate before they go out onto the town, before they socialize, do it because it’s easier… or it’s perceived to be easier to socialize and to meet other people if you’ve had a drink on you.
When I first started drinking, I’d drink, I’d have a few drinks in order to build up some confidence in order to talk to the girls, and then I’d start puking, so that was no good. Eventually, when I build up a bit of a tolerance for alcohol, I found that everything that came out of my mouth was crap. And it was only when me and my mates used to go to the local night clubs, and then we’d meet girls who were also drinking.
So, put two and two together… one idiot with another idiot and you’ve got a perfect match. So a lot of the day to day stuff that you’ve gotta do as you get older, you’ve got to do without alcohol, so you’ve got to develop a backbone for yourself. You’ve gotta start developing some self-confidence in some areas of your life, otherwise you’re just not going to get anywhere. I have noticed that when I gave up the drink my self-confidence has gone higher and higher. And it’s all to do with getting out there and doing different things and facing different situations without alcohol and that’s including and that’s including some of the situations where I’d be inclined to have a drink. This was the nineteenth post in the series of articles on the Johns Hopkins 20 questions which was designed for you to self-test and discover if you might have an alcohol problem. I'm Kevin O'Hara and I'm looking forward to helping you with your journey to alcohol freedom and mastery. A vulnerable and anxious population consumes this guidance like they are starving for it… probably because they are.


This fear of being a substandard human being drives some of us to seek guidance, bringing us into contact with the murky, over-crowded world of self-help products and services. But what I do have to offer is that I have completed the full journey, from shy, “nice” and trying to please everyone, all the way through to where I am now. I’m not saying these will work for you, but I am confident that you will improve your life in some way by trying these things, if nothing else. The great thing is you don’t even need to be sure about it; you just need to have a direction to travel in.
Once you’ve done this make sure you re-read it regularly (at least twice per week) to remind yourself constantly about why it is you are getting out of bed. Research your field of interest, find out who are the most successful people within it, and then look for what they’ve written. Much better to listen to him than someone fresh from completing an MBA and spilling a bunch of inexperienced theory-based conjecture. You are then thrown into a situation which requires you to be extroverted, talkative and social. Doing this is a really powerful way to build confidence, particularly if you’re single and approaching strangers with the intention of potential romance. I recommend constantly seeking out new hobbies and trying things out, no matter how doubtful you are about them. Over time less situations will seem totally unknown because you will have done something similar before. Confidence is often also described as “conscious competence”, which basically means that if you are doing something that you are skilled at, and you know that you are skilled, you feel confident. Until you develop a strong inner core of confidence that others cannot touch, you need to surround yourself with “can do” people in order to feed on their confidence.
There is nothing to be gained in comparing myself to others or trying to live to others expectations. There’s a million other things you can do, but I am sure that if you start with this list and TAKE ACTION rather than just read this and do nothing, then you will start to see big changes in how you feel about yourself. He lives in Auckland, New Zealand, and loves to share his advice and opinions on how to attain success.
Yes fear is actually something wonderful: It is your indicator of where you can improve and find happiness.
My intention is to share how I have evolved from being an insecure procrastinator to the self-confident person I am today, with just a few, very short, weeks of work.
I had worked at feeling confident in any social environment, and had become quite good at it, but it was something superficial. I had worked on myself for about three years, and gained great progress with EFT (emotional freedom technique), so much so that I learned it, professionally.
I loved everything I learned, but I still felt hesitant about my capacity to achieve what I wanted. I forced myself to go out and walk hours on the beach, then go to the fanciest restaurant in Semyniak, a posh area of Bali. I was freezing in the swimming pool, but fortunately the scuba diving instructor was both cute and patient, which made my experience much more pleasant.
I forgot the fear, the self-doubt: I was doing something I never thought I could do so easily. I then asked myself “What would really excite me then?” Almost 24 hours after finding my new goal, my new “bottom of the ocean,” I was out of bed working 12 to 15 hours a day. Believe it or not, this happened this summer, just a few days ago, and now when I think back to how I behaved before, I just don’t recognize who I was.
I would love to hear how you have blossomed into the powerful, loving and magnificent version of you, soon.
Huge congratulations for reclaiming your power and tapping into that courage deep within – that ability to see the fear, and take action anyway! The dream of being able to overcome all fear and self-imposed limits by simply reading some advice is a very tempting dish indeed. People who lack self-confidence themselves can take a basic, theoretical knowledge of psychological research and use it to excrete volumes of garbage about how to build self-esteem and confidence. But in order to help others out there who are similar to me and serious about developing true, unbreakable inner confidence, I have taken some time to break down the steps I took to achieve this. Try taking 30 minutes to write down a descriptive paragraph or two about what your life would look like if you could wave a magic wand and choose anything. This will increase your sense of purpose in life, a reason to live in a way, which will increase your confidence. When the researchers revisited the students again about 20 years later, the small group who had written down goals were earning a combined income that was greater than the combined income of all 97% of their classmates. If you can get yourself to do this sober, during the day, it makes everything else seem a lot less scary. For example, I found I really enjoyed salsa dancing despite never having danced before, because it combined my previous experiences of playing in a band and doing martial arts. Confidence comes from setting your own expectations of yourself and then trying your best to live up to them.
You can become confidence in a range of situations, and if you keep increasing the number of situations you feel confident in you will eventually feel confident in all of them. While all the points you made sound pretty good, the 5th way is the one I can relate to the most. If you’ve let your insecurities rob you of your dreams all your life, you owe it to yourself to give these tips on gaining self-confidence, as well as succeeding at anything, a solid try.
EFT worked wonders at eliminating negative feelings, but not as well for building positive ones.
I was even afforded the chance to check off one item of my bucket list: drinking the juice of a fresh coconut while on the beach. I’m in Gili air, my dream island in a dream bungalow with an open sky bathroom, which was just a few meters from the sea. I was in such pain, not being able to revel in my luscious escape, that I built up a humongous desire to change. I was swimming with the same fish I had seen in an aquarium the almost exact same day the previous year. But as I was going through the motions of the course, I sensed myself drown in a sea of self-doubt. I have been looking for this level of personal power and freedom all my life, and I don’t regret all the steps it took me.


If I do, it will be just for a brief moment even more, to build more self-confidence, more self-esteem and personal power to be, do, have anything I want.
They then charge copious amounts of money for this drivel, which usually makes you feel great temporarily but does absolutely nothing to change your long term situation. See the secret is really no secret at all – it’s about constantly taking action in a way that pushes your comfort zone further out until you learn how to make any situation feel like it’s in your comfort zone. Of course, to actually achieve this dream lifestyle, there are further steps you need to take… (read on). Imagine this: you’ve been studying accounting for three straights hours without interruption, when all of a sudden you’re dragged to a party. I am not saying that you shouldn’t compete with others, because that’s a great motivator too, but your results and progress should only be measured against your past self. I like to study a lot in order to prepare myself for tasks at hand but subsequently I study more than actually apply the knowledge I’ve gained. Fear is not something to be ashamed of, it is part of our humanity, and should be cherished for the rewarding challenges it presents us. I became the queen of faking feeling comfortable, which worked, but only from moment to moment. As an EFT practitioner, I saw my clients blossom in my sessions after just two to three hours, but I still doubted myself.
I fell asleep and woke up to the soothing melody of the waves; I’m constantly bathed in a warm and friendly sun. My every anxious breath, insecure step and negative thought energized my eagerness to build my self-esteem, improve my confidence, as well as my capacity to receive and succeed.
I was in awe with turtles and treasured watching the sun flickering through the waves and hitting the bottom of the ocean. I started recollecting all the sports I had been lousy at, all the failed attempts, all the humiliations, as well as the disappointment in my father’s eye. I thought once of lungs exploding and then switched my thoughts to my growing expectation of the bottom of the ocean. I was worried, because the currents were very strong that day and were throwing me on corals, so I took care.
I said to myself “as I can’t move, I’m going to define what I really want.” I began to meditate, using the same letting-go method I talked about earlier. And when I can’t focus on that image, I just see the bottom of the ocean to remind myself of what I can do.
Straight away you feel anxiety even though going to a party is not an unusual situation for you. I didn’t feel bad about it, because I had enough faith in myself to believe I would find a way out of insecurity, so I kept my eyes open.
It was like a freezing spell that was draining myself of energy and strength, or for Harry Potter’s fan like me, it was like having a Dementor sucking away my happiness. I put a huge image of the bottom of the ocean swarming with colorful, playful fish in front of me. One of the best strategies to build self confidence is to take action, so I made sure to do regularly what I’m afraid of. By using visualization, you start to plant the seeds in your subconscious mind and you will begin to build self confidence. Remove luck by making sure that nothing and no-one can affect the achievement of your goal except for you.
When you realise you are feeling anxiety about an upcoming situation and you suspect that it is because of being in the wrong state, try to figure out some in-between steps you can take. So I gave myself something way out of my personal limits: a trip to Bali, the island I had dreamt of visiting for the past four years, where I stayed in a luxury villa with a private pool and staff that treated me like a princess. That’s one key to success: always keep your dream right in front of you (but more about this in a minute). I then got up and went to the scuba diving school next to my hotel, and signed up for a day of snorkeling.
It was another item from my bucket list, except this time I didn’t even know it had been there all along.
Then, I thought of all the people who had gone safely to the bottom of the ocean, making sure to breath particularly regularly. Using our example above, rather than going straight to the party, you could have a chat on the phone with some close friends, followed by pre-drinks at your house with just a few people. All my personal power had evaded me, and I was forlorn of ever achieving my hopes and desires. My heart is bursting with love, I have never been so honest, assertive, driven, focused and friendly. Remember that you are the most important person in your life, so start investing in yourself.
This way by the time you get to the party your state has gone from withdrawn to outgoing in easy to manage steps.
I showered in the sun and the stars, while enjoying listening to exotic animal chanting their songs of love at night. I focused on all the time I had found courage to keep on going no matter what the setbacks. A very soothing sentence, one I still repeat constantly to myself, is “It’s OK to be afraid. I had conquered my fear, my insecurities, the disappointment in my father’s eyes, the shame, the inadequacies.
Give yourself the character traits that you wish to have and really feel the emotion as if you already posses those characteristics. I didn’t know yet that something would happen the next day that would change my self-esteem and my life forever. The more familiar you are with what you are not confident about, the less intimidating that thing will be. Then, I made the image of the bottom of the ocean more vivid, while adding the emotion of pride and intense pleasure.




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