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Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by idiots. We all know individuals who feel insecure about their relatives, friends, neighbours, colleagues and even acquaintances. When your spouse is directly affected by your insecurities, much anger may arise from triggers that aren’t even related to your relationship.
Ideally, your spouse understands and accepts your weaknesses, but as we have all likely realized, we don’t live in such an ideal world. Some well known triggers are those that individuals don’t always associate with insecurity. Many women feel that it is a part of their marriage vows or a tacit agreement when they decide to marry that men no longer admire other women. What man hasn’t cringed when asked this question and felt the pressure of knowing that the wrong answer could land him in the doghouse? A man in this situation may feel very insecure—he may feel torn between being honest and being perceived as hurtful. I know married people who are so insecure that huge blowups can start with the TONE that they use with one another. A nasty or haughty tone is sometimes a verbal wall that insecure individuals erect in order to protect themselves. One of the first steps in improving your self-esteem is to eliminate the recorded messages that  play over and over in your head. While I have learned that for some public compliments boost self-esteem, I’m not sold on this concept.
We often become involved in the cultural zeitgeist that is built on the low self-esteem of others. Financial responsibility can interfere with family time, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Having healthy self-esteem arms you with the confidence required to defend your position without appearing defensive, to protect yourself without anger, and relate to others without feeling hurt or slighted.
This entry was posted in Emotional Fulfillment, Featured Articles, Relationship Safety & Security and tagged emotional needs, insecurity, self-esteem. My problem is that, what ever mistake i do (eg forgetting to clean the kitchen counter) he always says that its because I now have money and i am disrespecting him.
I honestly love him and would like to make things work since we have a 2 year old brilliant baby together and i want us to be a happy family. Rose, I’m sorry this is happening, and you are wise to understand the threat to your marriage. We can’t have a long conversation here, but I hope you will come to our website, where there are people you can talk to for support and advice. I suffer from severe deppression and insecurity everyttime my wife leaves the house i cant help but to concentrate on how she is cheating on me and with who.
I think my husband loves me in spite of my flaws, so I feel when he looks at other women, he’s satisfying some need that I cannot satisfy, and that I am supposed to just accept it because it’s only fair that he should get to look at attractive women, since he is a good husband to me. It has always been an issue for us that I wish he would talk to me about things that bother him. I guess my point is, in everything I read on this subject, I feel like it is suggesting that I am supposed to just accept that my husband is going to be attracted to other women and that when I am jealous I am being controlling, trying to dominate his thoughts and feelings, which I really don’t want to do, but I seriously cannot fathom the thought of being okay with it. I just registered here, and was wondering if you could give some pointers on where to start with this. Having said that, it seems that my high self esteem & confidence make my husband unhappy at times.
I also really enjoy spending time with girlfriends & I miss having relationships with women. Anyways, I was just hoping for advise from someone who might have some experience with a simmaler type of person. Your feelings of insecurity are understandable–women are much more conscious of body image than men, generally speaking. The best solution for insecurity is to remind yourself that you have many great attributes. We’re a friendly bunch and there are more members who have much more knowledge and experience than I do.
A woman with healthy self-esteem understands that the love that binds her relationship is stronger than her spouse’s sexual desires toward other women.


While I understand what this article is trying to accomplish, what it doesn’t state is that their is a level of ogling others that is completely disrespectful to women and the spouse. I want to assure you that am one of the many people you have helped out and am very,very grateful.
If you haven’t already, please take a moment to read more articles at Marriage Advocates. In fact, given the opportunity, those of us with the most dysfunctional relationships could likely give a lecture about meeting emotional needs and their importance in a relationship. They can be leftovers from past relationships that haven’t been resolved, or even family of origin issues that have been swept under the rug and assert themselves when certain triggers crop up. Our spouses are as vulnerable to attacks of defensiveness as we are, albeit in different areas. For instance, while it is generally understood that men are visual creatures and enjoy the beauty of other women, it’s widely known that most wives dislike their husbands admiring other women. So, why do women feel threatened when their men simply enjoy the visual feast that is omnipresent? He may feel resentful for having been forced into this situation where unintentional hurt feelings may be the result. Remember—while your feelings are important, a truly confident individual doesn’t assume that their spouse is targeting their feelings.
The eventual diminished family time can result in overcompensating and overindulging children, which leads to even greater family issues. Self-confidence rids you of the burden of jealousy, which can literally drive your partner away. He is 11 years older than me, I met him when I was doing my final year at university and we were best friends. I dont have a problem with him making less money but when he blames every silly mistake I make on the fact that he makes less money it becomes annoying and I dont know how to deal with it. It doesn’t sound like you’ve recovered from the trauma, and of course your self esteem has taken a hit! It is very frustrating to me since we have all the tools that are needed to have a long happy marriage. I am never allowed to go have a girls night or go to the gym, or even to a family event that he won’t be able to attend. You should share all your problems and feelings with your partner as well listen to your partner and understand. To those that are married to a sex addict, what is being reinforced in this article is all the rationalizations of the sex addict. While some realize that these “triggers” exist, how many consider the long term affects that the related defensiveness has on their marriage? Frustration, confusion and resentment are all by-products of low self-esteem and can be detrimental to your marriage. Building a strong self image and practicing the methods of good self-esteem may help to eliminate these weaknesses in marriage and avoid some of the catastrophic issues that may arise like cheating, emotional affairs and divorce. While it is no different than admiring the Mona Lisa or a beautiful work by Monet, the thought of your spouse admiring a living, breathing human being seems to set your retinas on fire and unleashes a raging she-beast, full of anger. Asking your spouse about your great attributes along with the not-so-great ones is a good way to evaluate your own self-esteem. Faced with this, a man may want to remind himself that a hug, a compliment and a kiss go a long way in reminding your spouse that she is your chosen one.
By all means, CONFIRM with the person if you think they are using a rude or insensitive tone, but never ASSUME.
It’s important to remember that loving your children and being a good role model is commendable. Once these goals have been achieved in marriage, we love effectively, protecting our relationships from external dangers.
I now have a job and already earn more money than him and I think that is where the problem started. I hope you will join us on the forums, where others (some who have been through what you have) can support you and share how they got past the things that ripped their self esteem (and their marriages) apart.
I don’t see any reason for us to argue the way we do or for him to become so frustrated or angry with me in the blink of an eye. Not only does he not let me go places without him, but he never pays me any compliments or makes me feel special in any way.


It has opened my eyes to what I need to work on, seek help for, and possibly save my marriage! Unfortunately, for the amount of work that is done meeting needs, we still hear countless stories of affairs and couples plainly misunderstanding each other. More often than not, people tend to question how they are perceived by their partner (and others) and that insecurity causes great stress in their marriage.
This feeling of insecurity may be a primal urge to secure property and protect it from being stolen.
While you may not be able to lessen your spouse’s insecurities, if you are aware, you can make different choices that will strengthen your marriage, rather than weaken it. Realize that your spouse is your best friend, and best friends should be able to share their thoughts with immunity. Always question why you want something — does it appeal to you, or does it appeal to how you’d like others to view you? Providing them with a loving home, shelter and food is far more important than keeping up with other parents and overstimulating them with many activities.
Many never evolve beyond this mentality and spend their marriage wondering if they measure up. While it sounds dramatic, on a base level, this is EXACTLY what drives the feeling of jealousy. If either of you immediately feel defensive, it may be time to re-evaluate your self-esteem and examine the issue more closely. The other person is likely dealing with something that is affecting their feelings far more deeply than you know. It does not bother me when my husband notices a beautiful woman because I know he loves me. I know that the things I ask to do are innocent & completely healthy, normal things that people all over the planet do.
I am not the type of person to do something like get married unless I am 100% sure this is the person I want to be with forever. So we are standing on the dance floor and he looks across at her and is smiling he is looking at her and talking about breaking out into a dance and it did trigger an insecure feeling as I felt he should have been looking at me and saying that.
This internal questioning of ourselves often causes issues in the relationship that may not have existed if we had simply sat back and realized that we are good enough. When one of those negative messages pops into your head, replace it with a positive affirmation.
If affairs are born out of secrecy, it makes sense to keep the lines of communication OPEN.
But the thing is, that we have a nice house to live in (we rent, but still) we have two nice vehicles. Yes, it’s true you should never let your spouses ogling degrade your self-esteem, but do not let anyone tell you this behavior is normal. Our kids have everything there hearts desire, we take wonderful family vacations, & we have some money in the bank. I realize not one size fits all when it comes to articles, but I wanted to put it out there that, because a woman finds ogling disrespectful does NOT make her a woman with low self-esteem. But, my husband will pick me apart down to the tiniest thing & then not let me do anything to fix it. He might not be the tallest guy in the world, but he is handsome & I mean VERY good looking. The ability to tell someone their behavior is completely disrespectful is a sign of healthy self-esteem. It seems to bother him when I like how I look or enjoy things that don’t include him. I have tried very hard over the past several years to help him but I am becoming very frustrated with it.



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