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Filtered Carbonated Water, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Taurine, Acidity regulator (Sodium Citrate), Natural Flavours, Caffeine, Preservatives (Potassium Sorbate, Sodium Benzoate), Inositol, Guarana Extract, Panax Ginseng, Colour (E129), Niacinamide, D-Calcium Pantothenate, Pyridoxine HCL, Colour (E133), Cyanocobalamin. The latest free download for PlayStation Plus subscribers mixes Left 4 Dead with Smash T.V., but is it a match made in zombie hell? If there ever is a zombie apocalypse it’s unlikely to cause quite as much carnage as it once would have.
Despite the current ubiquity of zombies we’d be the first to welcome a new, proper, Resident Evil and we were surprisingly entertained by the recent Plants Vs.
Money is used to upgrade and buy new weapons at checkpoints, but none of them prove very much more useful than a maxed out version of the default assault rifle. The on and offline multiplayer is the one area where you wish the game would steal more from Left 4 Dead, as you can only have two people at once. In Short: Still the same lacklustre combination of Left 4 Dead with a twin-stick shooter, where only the status of PlayStation Plus freebie prevents further criticism. There’s no time for frills and fancy, there’s only one prize and that’s life – or at the very least dying on your own terms. You don’t hear a lot about the fae these days – there’s no trooping rades to worry about, the standard protections of horseshoes over the door and rowan in the garden are more or less abandoned and any mention of the word fairy brings up visions of Tinkerbell and other scantily clad moppets.
Elementals – back in days of yore, when the fae ran rampart, a wide variety of elementally inclined fae could be found lurking in perfectly innocent items of landscape. Stone circles, bronze-age earthworks and iron-age hill forts are also known haunts of the fae, especially around Midsummer Eve, so time your tourist trips carefully or you’ll end up laden with curses, taken as prisoner or splatted across the landscape. If you think you can convert the fae to your side or just want to sweeten them up so they don’t bother you so much, then try putting out offerings of milk or food – rumour has it that the Chicago variant of urban fairy are especially susceptible to gifts of pizza (possibly they’ve been hanging out too much with the turtle apocalypse threats in New York). With luck and some killer combat moves you will eventually get all the pieces in place to cast the de-immortalising spell and once you’ve whammied him, a quick blade to heart will finish him off nicely. The problem with Big Business accidentally losing track of all its toxic waste is that sooner or later it’s going to seep into places and mutate otherwise harmless animals into killer mutants set on taking over the world. Know Your EnemyDespite professing to be ninjas, they are not the subtlest of creatures and can often be found brawling in the open, usually with their own pet reporter in attendance. They are also highly effective in the use of propaganda and keep a pet reporter specifically for the task of spinning accounts of their mass-murdering exploits.
Ok, yes, they may have wiped out a few evil-ninjas, local criminals and alien invaders but that was just them taking out the competition as they don’t play well with others.
Set traps which provide a warning and slow down the attacking werewolves while you’re doing other things, such as the Potato Mine or Spikeweeds.
Marigolds are planted which can earn you money as they pop out coins during the game and during the apocalypse you can always make a bit of extra money or whatever passes for currency at that time. My esteemed colleague MadNad cast the werewolf as an unrelenting enemy of any girl’s survival of the apocalypse.
This has nothing to do with my being in love with a werewolf: that’s just coincidence! Not only are werewolves not your enemy, but they can make a brilliant addition to your post-apocalyptic survival team — you just need to take sensible precautions around the full moon.
A werewolf is a human being that has been cursed, or more accurately, diseased, with Lycanthropy.
Contrary to popular belief, the werewolf does not fully transform into a wolf, but becomes a bipedal-canine, with a short muzzle, and a large muscular torso.
Most werewolves are experienced at living with the disease, and deserve your sympathy and understanding, as they are simply afflicted humans. If you suspect someone in your area to be a werewolf, check to see if they start to look hairier, or start to sniff people’s butt  around the time of a full moon. Werewolves have a fast metabolism, so they will be almost constantly eating, without putting any weight on (unlike me who only has to look at a pizza to gain weight). Silver is an obvious choice of protection, whether that is in jewelry form, armor, or a bullet. A plant known as Wolfsbane can also work pretty well as a deterrent, as the werewolf cannot stand its pungent odour. If you want to be absolutely, and positively sure that you are going kill a rogue Lycan, rather than just maim or slow it down, you need to incur massive injury to the cerebral cortex, in the same way you would a zombie.


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The scenario has now been played out so many times in movies, games, TV shows, books and comics it almost seems like a subliminal form of survival training.
And although switching perspective may seem like a neat twist it only takes a few moments to release that a twin-stick shooter with zombies in it is the least original idea in gaming since the colour brown. The visuals may look a bit dingy in the screenshots but the lighting is fantastic and just as good as Left 4 Dead at conveying a sense of dread and uncertainty. There’s also armour and other equipment to loot but although the game often seems to be heading into Diablo territory with its pick-ups it never offers anywhere like the same variety. Combined with the more heavily scripted level design it can all be disappointingly predictable unless you get creative with the decoys and booby traps. But even though it gets the tension and atmosphere right the sheer predictability of it all results in a far less entertaining experience.
This allows anyone watching to spawn items, perks, and zombies into the game by typing various keywords. And no doubt the hordes of zombie lovers out there will flock to it regardless of its obvious faults. There are few philosophies smarter because when the world’s getting its apocalypse on you have few other choices. There’s a room full of bunk beds that are more comfortable than they look, a pretty well-equipped kitchen, a library, a bathroom, a canning room – my Mum’s mantra is ‘waste not want not’ – and a big communal living area.
To wait while the nuclear fallout burns through your guts and your brain spills out the bottom of your spine?
I love my little peashooters and wallnuts as well as the array of different zombies who constantly attack my home in search of brains. No one plant can defeat the zombies on it’s own and combination weapons make for more deadly mow-down, so you can freeze the zombie hoards with an Ice-shroom while cutting them down to size with a Threepeater.
Minutes matter and those extra few moments when the killer robots are trying to untangle themselves from your net trap might be enough for you to escape. If the zombies eat all your plants, your last line of defence is a row of lawn mowers which slices them down. Chompers are great at eating zombies whole but take time to digest their meal which leaves them vulnerable, while Scardy-shrooms cause a lot of damage, but go into hiding when an enemy is near.
As with most games, Plants vs Zombies begins easily, but becomes progressively more difficult with more challenging attackers. In Plants vs Zombies, once you’ve planted, that plant will need a certain amount of time to ‘recharge’ before it can be planted again. Once you’ve completed the game, the plants and zombies come together to get down to some funky tunes and really isn’t that what every girl needs after a long day of slaughtering rabid cows? I’m sure that there are other games out there that will teach you other survival tips but for me, I love my plants. Down through the ages have demonstrated their very human side: which is to say that some are good and some are bad, but as a group they are no worse than the humans they begin life as. The responsible werewolf will take preventative measures to secure themselves during their ‘moon time’ so that they are not a danger to the general public. Have there been reports of attacks on humans or cattle that are being attributed to ‘large dogs’ in your area? However, 3 nights per month over the full moon period, they transform into slavering beasts.
Fire works well too, but you must ensure that the werewolf is completely destroyed by the fire as they have immense regenerative powers. They instinctively hate the undead in all forms, as their increased olfactory sense is up to 20 times stronger than that of humans, and let’s face it – the dead stink.
Which means that of the humans left afterwards a disproportionate number are going to be geeks. We were even looking forward to Dead Nation when it was originally released, as it’s by Super Stardust and Resogun creators Housemarque.


The game cleverly ration the appearance of enemies so that you can progress quite far through a level with relatively little resistance, until a massive horde appears and you’re sent scurrying back the way you came. Although the urge to play the game is low enough that we can’t imagine how bored someone would have to be to watch other people do it.
Mum always said they’d make the best weapon anyway – when the bullets run out, who’s going to be making new ones? Maybe, but we call ourselves “sensible” – what else would you call those not blind to the inevitable? Brilliant in its simplicity, players need to be strategic in their placement of the different plants and choose wisely.
The same applies during the apocalypse: diversify your weaponry so that if you run out of bullets, you can keep shooting using a crossbow or get in close with a sword. During the apocalypse your power source is your life source, without it you’re dead so make sure it’s safe at all times.
However, as with all last-ditch defence plans, it can only be used once and when it’s gone it’s gone so if your final defence is activated, either refortify quickly or escape. Bucket-head zombies have added protection which makes them harder to kill while dancing zombies always travel with back-up dancers. Even during the apocalypse a girl needs a little time to recharge herself so she’s feeling ready to take on the world so take some time out and give yourself that mani-pedi you’ve been promising yourself. Just as their animal counterparts have been hunted nigh on to extinction in many areas, the werewolf too has faced unwarranted fear because of ancient propaganda.
Please be aware that the purer the metal, the more potent the effect, so make sure you buy your silver jewelry from a reputable jewelers, and not Elizabeth Duke (Argos). Speaking of Zeke, my brother and I were both trained in and for almost anything you can imagine: hand-to-hand combat, gas attacks, nuclear fallout, weapon making, foraging, first aid – you name it, we went over it.
I was picked on sometimes at school, but after the suspension – and the scrum half’s snapped wrist (thanks Dad, for those self-defence drills) – I was left alone. So I shot my Dad in the head and then when Zeke got violent a couple of months later – the isolation got to him bad – and went all frothing-at-the-mouth crazy, I shot him too. Knowing these and using these to your advantage ensures you are using your available weapons to the peak of their performance, which will increase your chances of survival. In the interest of historical accuracy and improved general relations, I hope to sweep away centuries of misunderstanding and enmity.
I can shape a bow out of a piece of willow  – or pretty much any tree with enough bend in it  – in less than three minutes. Sewing’s my weak point, truth be told, but at least I’ve stopped sewing stuff to my jeans and Mum says I sew a pretty strong stitch. I didn’t go to dances, never been for a sleepover, never even sat with anyone else for lunch. I wised up to that the day I heard Dad telling Zeke that me and Mum were the weak link, that we were the ones who would most likely slow them down and that if he needed to get rid of us, he wouldn’t hesitate. But what else can we learn from Plants vs Zombies to help ensure we are apocalypse prepared? In the same way you wouldn’t kill a robot using a silver bullet as you would a werewolf, know your enemy and use appropriate methods for attacking them.
It would have made me sad once (I’ve got hormones and hopes just like anyone else), but you’ve got to focus on what’s important.
As far as I could see, the difference that marked us out in Dad’s mind was that I was a girl and Zeke was a boy – his boy.
I was eleven years old and from that day on I hated my Dad, hated him for marking me out as mattering less because I’m a girl, for seeing me as an albatross and not an asset.



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