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Growing up can be a bumpy road, and it’s no exception for Riley, who is uprooted from her Midwest life when her father starts a new job. After we discussed the diagram, I asked my client if he would be willing to write a legend for it and he graciously agreed. Most likely if you are reading this, you or someone you know is involved with a high-conflict individual and subsequently dealing with a broken or difficult relationship.
You could just head for the hills, but that isn’t always possible, especially in the beginning. It has been my observation that individuals who deal with things most effectively are on a journey to learn.
She claims that all of her friends, doctors, therapists, parents and the mailman agree with her. All you have to do is admit that her actions were your fault and you need to change your ways.
She will continue to repeat the cycles from “playing nice” to the “role reversal” until she is satisfied that she has either won the war or some other “hot topic” comes along and takes precedence. Establishing a demilitarized zone and avoiding each other may provide some degree of normalcy and peace to your life.
In a normal relationship, one would be able to eliminate this cycle of conflict through understanding and compromise. Accordingly, it is easy to falsely blame one’s self or to simply justify their bad behaviors.
If you find the information I provide free of charge helpful and valuable here on Shrink4Men, please consider making a donation via PayPal to help me maintain the site. Talking about nuggets, i may have given my ex the golden nugget when I caved into questioning a year into our relationship and admitted sleeping with another woman 1 month after we got together.
I didn’t conciously see the signs but Sub conciously I was amazed and a bit over whelmed at how fast our relationship was progressing emotionally.
After the first few months of our relationship, I began getting paranoid about what information I was willing to share with her about my family, friends, job, childhood, ex-gfs, etc, as she typically used it against me during her meltdowns.
Of course she would always tell me I was the one who hoarded these nuts, even though she frequently stated that she would NEVER admit to ever being wrong for fear that I would use it against her. So in her mind, exactly none of my nuts were valid, because she had never admitted to being wrong…While all of hers were, because I often apologized. HOW IS IT THAT WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO GET ROPED INTO RELATIONSHIPS WITH THIS TYPE OF WOMAN??? It’s taking all the willpower I have not to avoid thinking about the whole thing through booze. Unfortunately, I have family members who will show, or may already have shown her, this site. I answered that a swap would be very helpful — my new wife and I had a wedding to go to 200 miles away. Nor has she seen her family at all; she banned them from visiting her here, for reasons she has never made clear. In 16 years of marriage, her parents met my non-snobby dad and step-mom but no other members of my large family. Anyway, all of this roughly coincided with me sending my aunt (my ex’s good buddy) some links from the site. One of these days when I am feeling creative I will put together a Cluster B Decision Tree.
Thats a really good description of the abuse cycle, but understanding the process is not controlling it.
The psychological abuse is debilitating and confusing, the physical abuse is absolutely frightening. Palmatier) it was actually written by one of my clients who is also a doctor in another health field. I am very appreciative that he took the time to document what he experiences in his marriage and suspect that many of you who are reading this will, sadly, find what he describes all too familiar as well.
I could relate to the manipulative tactics that high-conflict individuals use to abuse and control their partners.


This phase could easily be labeled “shock and awe.” You will be in awe because in your mind the perceived insult will not warrant the level of rage you receive.
If you decide to withhold raising the white flag, you will find your battlefronts broadening in scope as you engage in “topic warfare.” The topics of conflict will stray far from the original infraction.
As previously noted, if you are willing to accept her phony apologies and “drink the Kool-Aid”, you can take a shortcut to the Cloud phase. Only through careful observation can one begin to perceive the true intent of your partner’s manipulative actions. The thing is I was questioned and accused of many things that I did not do and even accused of thinking in a certain ways in which I didn’t. But near the end, I simply started retaliating with personal insults and character attacks. Then over time, they wear down your will and self-esteem to the point where you actually start to believe it’s your personal character flaws that are destroying the relationship and and causing her so much torment. Several weeks back I asked if we could switch weekends with the kids for a weekend in early December.
I also offered to let her have the kids for a few hours on Xmas Eve to sweeten the pot and in an attempt to thaw things between us a little bit. I think she is either ashamed of them, or fears that my snobby and judgmental family won’t like them, or both. My aunt never acknowledged reading them, even after I prodded her about it several days after they were originally sent, and then here came these bizarre emails from my ex. How do you ever have any serious discussions and ever get anything resolved if you are always wrong and walking on eggshells.
Your lawyers could have had fun with that one in court; it would be considered a potential threat to the welfare of the children. I'm not a fan of books about sports, and Tangerine has both soccer and football at the same time.  Somehow though I managed to get through it because there weren’t the usual boring sports recaps about every action. A couple weeks ago, he sent a diagram (included below) he created to discuss during our upcoming session.
There’s children, family, friends, finances, religious beliefs and numerous other variables involved. If your infraction is deemed serious enough, she is most likely to use nuclear weapons first. The significant difference between the knee jerk phases and the remaining ones is that the events and conversations will become very calculated and manipulated on her part. It has always been her, that has fought for the relationship while you have never even cared! If you accepted her phony apology, you may have been able bypass the Secondary Arguments, Pseudo-Victim Creation and Role Reversal and leap frog directly to this phase.
In my case, the visualization of a flowchart added a tangible realization as to why the conflicts progressed as they did. I realised for the first 6 months I went along with his stories but when I started to call on his controlling behaviour and all his BPD behaviours then he would get angry and blame me for everything.
Share the information here with your family and friends, but please do not share it with your abuser. While I understand that this is a lot for him to handle right now, it would have more impact if she hadn’t been blaming me for his grades since Kindergarten.
My best friend just got sole custody his boy after the wife wrote a big letter saying how after the next court date is done, everything will be over and they will be going away and he will never see them again. Also it seems that this book has just the right amount of tragedy and comedy that keeps it positive.  Who wants to read a depressing book if it might make them depressed? Experience this wonderful movie and collect all of the Inside Out emotions cardboard standups. But what can you do when you find yourself in an abusive, illogical and unrepairable relationship?
Even your own “manipulated” self-mental assessment regarding your accountability for the conflict may keep you from leaving. Anything that portrays her as less than perfect or holds her accountable will trigger her for sure.


Don’t be surprised if you are subjected to flying objects, yelling, divorce threats, and false 911 calls. Illogical arguments and distorted views will definitely wreak havoc on your mental faculties. It goes on and on until she gets a very pivotal reaction I call the “nugget.” The nugget is any bad or politically incorrect reaction on your part. Her skills at being a professional victim are so well honed that you will even start to doubt yourself. Her original reactions are completely “off topic.” You now find yourself defending yourself about one of the other issues brought up in the previous phase.
An example would be when you experience “topic warfare” minutes after you get home from work.
There is merely a pattern of distortion and manipulation designed to blame you for any lack of responsibility or accountability on their part. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes.
This is absolutely a sign that you need to get out and I’m glad you heeded it rather than sinking into the muck any deeper.
I think what your ex really means is that she was able to totally control all her exs and they never worked out the truth about her, even after the break up. The diagram captures the abuse, blame shifting, distortion, rage and manipulation cycles that he experiences in his marriage week in and week out. I mean, the person you thought you knew and trusted is telling you it’s all your fault, right? Just like countries spend vast amounts of resources evaluating the weapons of other countries, you need to do so as well.
You will find yourself shell-shocked and not even knowing what you are really arguing about at this point. An unknowing partner may think she is just in a bad mood, but in actuality, somebody insulted her during the day and she is taking it out on you to make herself feel better. You may not like your circumstances any better, but you may be better able to cope with them until other options are available. She is always the victim and has never blamed herself or taken back something she said about me. Where as you worked out all her BS and questioned her and started standing up for yourself.
I believe more in carrots than sticks, though both are necessary, whereas she thinks she can bludgeon her way through everything.
I wasn't very enthralled with it at the time because I was a 7th grader but it was still interesting. As a result, many of us are not so quick to leave and, therefore, have to deal with the conflict for a while.
More simply stated, if you know what’s going on and where you might be headed, you feel better. After reflecting on my own years of adversity, I began to recognize distinct repetitive phases to each conflict in my marriage.
I will not detail the tactics individually, but take the time to learn the weapons she uses so that you can identify them and thereby counter them more effectively in future conflicts.
Even though the prior conflict is not talked about, it will certainly come up again in some other secondary argument phase. The good thing is that you will be able to spot these kind of women from miles away even though they are nice at the beginning but if you pay close attention they usually slip up in very small ways even on the first date. They do wear you down and drain you but I still wake up with a smile on my face knowing I do not have to deal with his BS anymore. What someone considers a master piece might be considered a piece of trash by someone else.



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