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I lived in painful stories and in visions of what could have been if I hadn’t been wronged. I realize it makes less compelling writing to talk so generally, but these stories aren’t only mine to tell.
It’s a hard thing to do—to completely let go of something painful and forgive the person who may or may not have realized what they did. No one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. And for the most part, we all do the best we can from day to day—even when we hurt someone; even when we’re too stubborn, ashamed, or in denial to admit the hurt we’ve caused. I decided to consult the Tiny Buddha Facebook community to learn how they’ve moved on from anger and resentment. About Lori DescheneLori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha and Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love.
As many others have said, forgiving others is something we need to do for our own health, not the other person’s. I fully agree that in fact i am really releasing the prisoner that is me, but how do I get over the fear that it may happen again?? It also means that we no longer need resentment and anger as an excuse for our shortcomings. I can relate to your story in a big way, and it definitely sounds like you’re making good progress! Holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. I have been struggling with forgiveness for many years and I am finally at a point where the anger from it is destroying my being. I have experienced that until it hurts, it is hard to forgive….but as the pain subsides with time, forgiving becomes natural and easy!
Thats great to hear all of you have found it in your heart to forgive, but honestly i havent and i dont want to. After about a month of not really speaking to her even if we were in the same room I just keep my mouth shut and focused my attention on anything but her, we finally discussed what happened. It sounds to me that you’d prefer not to have her in your life anymore but you think you need to stay angry and hurt to create that protection for yourself. Thank you very much for responding so fast, didnt think anyone would read this anytime soon. How do i alter relationships and set bounderies without hurting someone who had nothing to do with any of this, Im not big on hurting the innocent. I understand how all of these suggestions can help, however it doesn’t make me resent the person who wronged me any less.
There came a point when I realized (a) how miserable I was going home to such a toxic and negative environment, and (b) that I was slowly but gradually turning to be like him. You may not be taking your life too seriously before but as soon as you get matured, you have to be decisive about certain things in life.
I’d been hurt by a person I trusted, and for a long time in my adolescence I wanted to hurt them back.
I blamed someone else for the life I didn’t have, and felt vindicated in the soul-sucking resentment I carried around from day to day. At my angriest point, I was convinced the person who hurt me did it with full intention and cruelty. And if they’ve hurt another person, even if their ego prevents them from admitting it, odds are they feel remorse on some level.
This doesn’t condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand. I remind myself that I forgive not for them but for me and that it’s easier to forgive than to hang on to so much anger, hurt and betrayal. Remind yourself of how much forgiveness would mean to you if it was your turn for a mistake!
Because it takes less energy to love and forgive than it does to stay angry and hold a grudge. I know that I need to forgive someone, not for their benefit, but for my own peace of mind.


Forgiveness comes easy when you know that what people say or do is about them, it’s not about you. Shift the focus, feel the pain and think of the thousands of others in the world who are also feeling the same pain, then send a loving-kindness message to everyone to be relieved of this suffering. Write a brutally honest, emotionally raw letter telling them how much they have hurt and angered you, then tear it up and burn it. For some wrongs, I just have to remember that they are responsible for their actions and then it is easier for me to just let it be. By remembering that it will free me from the burden of the stress I feel, also, if I can’t forgive then how can I expect to ever be forgiven? It becomes easy when you remember a time when you were forgiven, centering on how it made you feel. Understand this: whether you like it or not, over time, you will stop feeling the pain, so why hold on to something that’s going to away anyway?
To strengthen your relationships, get her new book, Tiny Buddha's 365 Tiny Love Challenges. It doesn’t deny, minimize, or justify what others have done to us or the pain that we have suffered.
It doesn’t erase what happened, but it does allow us to lessen and perhaps even eliminate the pain of the past.
We don’t need them as a weapon to punish others nor as a shield to protect ourselves by keeping others away. It is understanding that the anger and hatred that we feel toward them hurts us far more than it hurts them. And at one time or another most of us have made the mistake of trying to run away from the past. It was so nice to read what you posted and I will print this and read it when I am feeling lost. I know that goes against everything all of you have said, but i knida fell like my unwillingness to forgive is the only thing thats gonna keep my from getting hurt again. I have found that sometimes the easiest way to forgive someone is to create situation where they can no longer hurt you.
I understand about not letting her back into my life, but still forgiving and making the conscious choice to change relationships.
Its not really about not wanting her in my life either, but more about just not wanting to open up to her emotionally again which was a big factor in our friendship. It’s been so long since it happened, and things have improved so much since then, that forgiveness feels easy.
When I was old enough to realize that his behavior had had an impact on my self-esteem and self-image, I blamed him for it. I tried many times to forgive him, and I thought I had, but I could feel my anger and resentment surging whenever another of his outbursts or tantrums occurred, of which, by then, it was my mother usually bearing the brunt.
Rather than pretend this area of my life never existed, I tried to be honest with myself and to acknowledge it, even sharing with a few friends and anonymously online. Being matured you least bother about the things that used to disturb you in the past, for example people’s behaviors.
So perhaps the kindest thing I can do both for them and me is not retell the story, but instead create a new one: a story about letting go. How do let go of the way you wish things had worked out if only they made a different choice? I tend to find that, if I am wronged, I forgive the person before they forgive themselves, and when I am in need of forgiveness, it is I who feels the guilt for longer. As you watch the smoke rise, think about the fact that you are not that hurt and that anger. The pain from our past no longer dictates how we live in the present, and it no longer determines our future.
It is seeing how we hide ourselves in our anger and how those feelings prevent us from healing. It is realizing that the energy that we spend hanging on to the past is better spent on improving our present and our future. The problem is that no matter how fast or how far we run, the past always catches up to us-and usually at the most inopportune time.
You are right when you say forgiveness is not easy but it’s wonderful you have found it.
When I trusted myself, the anger was gone, and I could trust myself to interact with them without collapsing or lashing out.


I guess it started 4 months ago when i was haivng a converstation with one of my closest friends at that time about my depression(clinical).
Forgiving her does not have to mean letting her back into your life–it just means you release your resentment and then take better care of yourself going forward.
You can just as easily make a choice and set a boundary from a place of strength and peace.
I didnt think about it in the last post, but her husband is also my other best friend and weve never had any problems as long as Ive known him.
I dont mind being around her anymore, but its more like Im in her life rather than shes in mine or were in each others, cause I dont let her close enough to really consider her in my life at this point. Before I found this blog I had been holding all of this in for months with no one to talk to.
If taking care of you means you need to see him less, then in the end, that’s probably the best thing to do. What happens when you still feel like justice is nowhere in sight and sorry is not good enough? At any point in your life if you realize that a certain relationship is not working, do your best to keep the things under control and try to sort the matter out. When you grow up you seem to think more critically and more rationally and hence you develop the forgiving manners and neglect others small mistakes. Were also all doing the best we can, according to our own evolutionary state, including those we find hard to forgive. And it allows us to see how much energy we have wasted and how much we have damaged ourselves by not forgiving. It is discovering the inner peace that becomes ours when we let go of the past and forget vengeance. Letting THAT obsession go as well as the socially unacceptable one of anger, maybe that’s a way of remembering the fact of impermanence (in THIS second, every second), which automatically provides lightness, presence, and inherent rather than manufactured forgiveness. What’s helped me is to remember that while it might not always seem like it in the moment, things always get better and easier with time. Then before i know it i was being told by her in an angry voice I should stop complaining and just kill myself, which she was aware that i had already tried twice when i was younger.
Ive had people in the past screw me then apologize then do all over again, like some kinda sick game.
We’ve started hanging out again since that incident, and she thought everything was fine and all is forgiven but Ive noticed when im around her now my guard is almost always up and i still refuse to open up to her emotionally like i used to at all. If it ends up being a good thing for his wife, as well, I’m sure he would understand. It took me a long time to fully forgive, and I couldn’t do it without time and space. As the smoke carrying your hurt and disappointment disappears into the air, you can let it go. It was a lot easier for me to forgive people who hurt my terribly after I made the conscious choice to change those relationships. So to end my faulty friendship with her is to end my perfectly balanced friendship with him right? Still if both the persons in a relationship need some space, then it is better to let go rather than complicating your mind and result in depression. It is never easy to let go, but it is certainly better than moving on in a forced relation. Oops that’s enough of seriousness seriously ?? Here is my post on the best and thoughtful letting go quotes. I know you all say forgiveness is better than not, but what if i forgive her and it happens all over again.
She’s a sweet girl but has plenty of friends, and a husband who loves her unconditonally. You ask me, my existence in her life is completely irrelevant, even though she says thats not true.
All this drama aside I just want an opinion from someone who has an idea of what im going through.



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