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admin 21.10.2014

Thanks for every thing i was so confused to send what to my boyfriend now i know to send what…. For the past year, I have been severely miserable and depressed and have come to a point where I don't know who to turn to and don't even want to carry on with life.
I was in a relationship with a man for four years whom I thought I would marry.  We were together for three years, and the man was a few years my senior who works in the same place as me.
My dad has always been strict and has made it clear that he would never allow any love marriage to take place.
The man in question was getting older (32) and got to a point where he asked my mother for my hand in marriage and my mum told him it would be difficult to get my dad to agree. Every year my parents would take me to Pakistan, and would always show me guys whom they would want me to consider but I would always say no as my heart was with this man, I wanted to tell my parents at the right time. He went to Pakistan for one month 2 years ago and before he went he said my parents want me to look at girls for marriage what shall I do?
The day he was due back he messaged asking me to meet him at airport. I was upset at his lack of communication but had missed him so much and was just happy to meet him, he assured me it was just due to him spending time with family and he wasn't good at communication, which he never had been a good texter. During the next six months he maintained a physical relationship with me and everything was happy and normal with us. He then said it's best we become friends and broke off our relationship completely but as we work together we would see each other and things became difficult. I felt used, hurt,  I was so distraught that while he was with me, behind my back he was part of planning his own wedding. On my return to work, I feel deeply ashamed to say this but after many talks with him we realised we still had feelings and we committed zina a few times. It's important to remember that hymenoplasty operations are surgical procedures, with all the risks associated with that - general anaesthetic, infections, etc.
Also, it could be considered as cosmetic surgery - and as such, the concerns regarding the permissibility of such procedures as they can be seen as altering Allah's creation, which would not be allowed Islamically. Plus, many women break their hymens in childhood or adolescence, through physical activity rather than sexual acts - for example, horse-riding and gymnastics are common sports in which a girl's hymen may be stretched or broken. Save money on the side and get the surgery done hymenoplasy but please stop zinna right away.
Please see my post above about reasons why hymenoplasty and similar surgical procedures should not be considered lightly.
Allah States in the Quran clearly that if you ask for forgiveness sincerely he will forgive you and change you bad deeds into good deeds. Putting your previous feelings for this man aside for a moment, the fact is that this man is married. From what you have written, I think you already know in your heart, that this relationship won't lead to a happy marriage and life together. I'm sure you already know that the relationship you had with this man was haraam, and that you need to repent for this. I would advise NOT having surgery to replace your hymen - a hymen doesn't make you a virgin, not having one doesn't prove you aren't a virgin, and your future husband will deserve a relationship built on reality rather than on a lie. If in the future, the man you marry one day asks if you were a virgin when you met him, rather than disclosing your past or lying to him, you could say something along the lines of "my past is between me and Allah, and I ask that you respect that, as I have chosen to build my future with you".
One area in which you may wish to be cautious is when considering a potential spouse, if they are adamant that they only wish to marry a virgin, it might be better for both of you if you find a tactful way to decline the proposal - you wouldn't need to disclose your past, but could politely say that you don't feel you are compatible with him and leave it at that. Brother Nouman mentioned one of the names of Allah Subhana ta'ala 'Rakib' which roughly means that He is looking after us, taking care of us. First the suggested hymenoplasty - this is a lie, and any relationship on a lie will blow up in your face in future. Surely if a furture husband marries only if you are virgin cannot have a real relationship with you?
Now, as hard as it is, and as difficult it is to accept, trust me, loosing this man is good riddance. Surely when he sleeps with you he says he dislikes his wife and when he sleeps with the wife he does the same - he is basically cheating on both of you. Also everything happens for a reason and there is something good that comes out of everything.
I agree with everyone in that you should cut all ties with this man and start to rebuild your relationship with Allah swt. If I were you, I would look for work elsewhere because the temptation will constantly be there. I pray that Allah forgives you, that Allah forgives the sins of our Ummah, and that we realize what treasures we have in our deen, Islam, before it is too late, Ameen.
I know a lot of people here say tell your future husband he has the right to know and so on.
Everyone is saying he has the right to know but think about it, this man probably is not perfect, who knows if he was honest and tell her everything.
The man has no right to seek out information on the past from which his wife has repented, for the reasons outlined above.
It is hoped that the wife will adhere to the oath she made when she swore to him that she did not have anything bad in her past.
We are surprised that a righteous wife would retract her oath and disclose a past which Allaah had concealed. Many women ask about the ruling on telling their husbands about a past in which they admit to having committed sins from which they have repented.
At the beginning of this answer we mentioned other benefits that have to do with concealing sins committed by the wife before marriage. Although it may not be respectful, is there anything wrong in asking a future wife-to-be whether she is a virgin or not? If there is some doubt concerning a (future) wife’s chastity, then you have the right to find out, but if you do not have any doubts, there is no need for this, because it may generate hatred and enmity, and be a reason for a lack of peace of mind. This is the reason Islam not only ordains segregation of sexes but most importantly orders enforcement of purdah or veil. Many people take a casual attitude at mixing of sexes, without understanding its consequences. The Prophet has said that the harm of touching a non-Mahram is so great that it is better to have an iron nail driven into one’s head than touch the opposite sex. First thing first, say good bye to this job, cut off with no contacts ever with this undignified, unrespectful man and this work place.


This is just the kind of information that i had been looking for, i’m already your rss reader now and i would regularly watch out for the new posts, once again hats off to you! I feel deeply ashamed of my past actions and can't come to term and accept the reality of the situation I have got myself into.
He would choose a husband for me and I would have to accept his choice. I believed if I found someone I truly love, I could convince my dad to put my happiness first. I told him to look for the sake of his mum, as I have been put in the position year after year after but felt if he loved me he would say no and come back to be with me.
I asked him if anything happened with him looking at girls and he said I don't want to discuss anything and assured me nothing happened and he was giving us one more year to see how things pan out.
He gave no hints at being engaged and we committed zina many times ?? As time went on he became distant, would text less, and it got to a point where one of his family members from Pakistan he got them a job within our company. He assured me that no marriage was planned for him and he didn't love or talk to this other girl apart from one or two messages which he showed me.He then went away for his monthly trip back home and two weeks before admitted that in fact he was going for his marriage and that a whole wedding had been planned.
He would in turn ignore his wife (who he left back in pk) and she could sense that his heart was with someone else.
I am suffering so much now knowing he's married and the sins I committed and don't feel I deserve forgiveness from Allah as every time I would repent I would fall back into the same sins. It is time to stop and cut him off completely as what is your doing is very dangerous and terrible sin. I also agree with you that it can be broken in childhood and this issue happened to my wife with a bike injury and I did not question it but I did think about it a few times and you know the devil would add what if thoughts to our minds. I advise you to cut all ties with him including changing your number, relocate in your job if you have too. I know a physical relationship was wrong there's no excuses but at the time I didn't see it as being wrong as I was so caught up with him. Don't let this hold you back if a proposal comes take it and make sure your family is aware and keep them updated.
His wife, as your sister in Islam, deserves to be treated with respect; even if he is not doing this, you can - walk away from an illicit relationship with her husband. Be brave, turn to Allah for help and strength, and create your own future by following Allah's teachings rather than being someone's secret. Offer repentance and make sure you do not place yourself at risk of repeating this in the future. There are risks attached to any operation, and such an operation could be considered to be altering Allah's creation - which leads to concerns about whether it would be acceptable at all in Islam. You have the right to choose to marry or not marry someone, so have the right to be involved in the process of finding a spouse, as long as you keep within Islamic limits!
I stopped the relationship as soon as I realised the serverity of my sins ?? I think he kept me for all these years while he got himself settled and happy in a marriage and I feel I have ruined my future and happiness for a man and did so many wrongs.
Then, he can go on and inshaAllah find a girl that meets his criteria, and you can inshaAllah find a man for whom virginity is not an absolute essential and who may better understand your situation should he find out about your past. We are like dumb sheep, almost jumping out of the cliff and He is holding all of us with the back of our necks! If you are really ashamed of a sin then keep it sealed and don't return to it don't hurt people with it. And the women should not tell her husband of what happened in the past that she has repented from; she should cover herself as Allaah has covered her. No one should have any doubt that the ruling is that they definitely should not tell, so as to protect the concealment that Allaah has granted, and so as to prevent her being shamed, and to protect her honour from being impugned by anyone, and to protect their married life from any disturbance. We do not know of anyone who heard about his wife’s bad past and began to love her more or trust her more, even if she has repented sincerely and become righteous after that. Importantly, more so it is not at all permissible even to touch a non-Mahram woman, because the danger of creating Fitnah is even greater.
Pre-marital love equation fades when man is satisfied, nothing else matters except dumping woman, on top of that getting married then both of you committing the act.
He went to Pakistan, got engaged without me knowing and was distant for the whole of his trip and didn't send much communication unless I messaged him first. I asked him if he would tell them of our relationship after which I noticed him become more distant towards me. All of a sudden he was begining to change. He lied about details saying it wasn't a proper engagement, it had happened only a few months back over the phone and he hardly spoke to the girl. He said he couldn't let me go or stop that wedding as it had all been planned and he didn't want to let his parents down.
The thought that the man I was so intimately close to and wanted to spend my life with had lied so much and was away to marry tore me apart. He now wants me to consider being his second wife, as he doesn't want to let me go and he doesn't want to divorce his wife - which is illegal in the UK so I wouldn't be able to register my marriage.
I know I have done a terrible thing letting this man's love take over and over last three months committed zina with a married man. This man is also commiting adultry as he is already married.All men say their wives are not good when they want to have an affair. The devil got to you by telling you that it's too late so you can keep sinning but it's never too late you just have to take that action about cutting him off and being professional with him at work and even looking for another job might help you. Just remember the story of the man who killed 100 and still got forgiven if u haven't please search and read this.
While it is permissible in Islam for a man to have more than one wife, it is a requirement that he treats his wives with fairness - I would be concerned that he would not be fair to you or to her, and his current and past behaviour says a lot about his character. When looking for examples for any situation, I find it helps to think about the lives of The Prophet (peace be upon him) and his Companions (may Allah be pleased with them). If need be, look for a job elsewhere, in an environment where you would be less likely to form attractions to colleagues (eg.
You could speak with your mother about the things you would like in a husband, and ask to meet with potential matches in a family meeting, so that you can decide for yourself if they are of good character.
I ask for forgiveness all the time but feel so low that at one point even considered taking my own life as my parents would be so ashamed if they ever come to know the truth ?? what if I don't get forgiven? The first two names of Allah in the Quran are these - we can have faith that He is merciful and will hear our sincere repentance.
Imagine how would he feel if it ever came out that you had this procedure to hide your relationship with a man who had sex for long time - this would be a death blow, and these things have a way of coming out.
You must get the truth out so that your burden can be reduced and then you can rebuild your life.


If she did that, it is a kind of permissible lying, even if she swore an oath, so as to ward off her husband’s foolishness and protect her honour, and to protect her husband and children. On the contrary, we have seen and heard that doubts increase and that husbands keep a close watch on them and prevent them from doing things that Allaah has permitted, and that ends in divorce because it is impossible for them to live together.
Before I met him, I was a virgin, but we commited zinaa throughout our relationship, which is something I feel deeply ashamed and guilty of.
He said that the marriage wouldn't be from the heart, it would be a charade and that he wasn't happy, that the past year he hadn't told me but had also started drinking again. He got married and I was still off work and he constantly messaged asking me to consider second marriage, that he couldn't let me go.
I don't want a second marriage where I would have to share my husband but cannot imagine being with anyone else after losing my virginity to this man.
He said he didn't feel guilty as he doesn't love his wife and he loves me and he doesn't consider it cheating as he wants to marry me. Allah is more forgiving than humans so when you repent and not return to your sin, Allah covers that sin with a blanket but when you talk about it and bring it up again, you are just taking that cover off.
Depending on culture Unfortunately some parent may go as far as honor issue and may harm her or she may get pressured or have to swear on the Quran by her husband.
It is haraam to be with someone who is married and mostly do you think its fair on the other lady you both doing wrong. He is not a real man he wasn't even bothered to tell you to your face or was willing to be honest. In this case, there is an example in the life of The Prophet himself (peace be upon him) - he and Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) had a very happy marriage, and after she left this life, The Prophet (peace be upon him) did, by the grace of Allah, marry again and have happy marriages again. Don't think of harming yourself, as that would not solve anything, and would only compound the difficulties - you are a Muslimah, and so you are strong enough that you can come through this, inshaAllah. And he moved on which teaches us that we should never let our past rule our present and future. In other words, you need to find another passion (not a man) that you can devote your time and energy to and as you get absorbed in your new passion (study, art, etc) it will be easier to get over this traumatic experience. I had that mentality before where I demanded to know about my wife's past and it got me no where.
I would tell this man, do you not feel guilty of the sin we have committed, to which he would say no, I don't see it as zina as I'm doing it with love. I asked him to break that off and to give us a chance and for the next 5 months he kept me in a relationship on the false promise that he would speak to his parents. After he told me about his engagement he also started going back to casino to take his mind off things.
He wants me to consider second marriage so he can speak to his parents and marry me but it's not what I want yet I can't seem to let him go as I can't see my life without him. He will keep want to recommit the sin and coming back to you because sadly it's just a physical relationship and don't expect anything more from him. Some weak girls take their life because of this but she sounds strong and she can deal with this. I ended up telling my mother and sister about our relationship although I didn't tell them about the pysical aspect.
If Allah wills it, you can and will love a man who will treat you with love and respect - remember that Allah is the Controller of Hearts. I know islamically operations to alter the body r haraam and I don't want to do more wrongs. He said he felt ashamed that he had lied and from that one lie everything spiralled out of control.
There is a Hadith which I don't remember the details but basically the devil will make a haram relationship more attractive than a halal one. You both clearly knew your actions were wrong but certain individuals do not care unless they get what they get until something else better comes along.
Also if he really cared about you don't you think he would have asked for your hand in marriage in the first place regardless or you could have married regardless whatever issues your parents had. I want Allah to forgive me but I know zina is a major sin and feel so ashamed that I don't even know if I deserve or will be granted forgiveness. So as soon as someone gets married the devil will try to make the wife ugly looking but when it's haram then the devil will make it attractive. I know it is hard for you but why be with someone who was never yours to begin with and he could never be honest.
BUT I am sorry this guy was a lair to begin with he had no intentions of marrying you.He is making excuses, sweet talking and is basically using you when he wants open your eyes please.
Don't waste anymore of your time, rebuild, refocus in your prayers and repent may Allah make it easy for you. I feel so so terrible as my parents now want me to consider getting married and my head feels so messed up.
You ask Allah to forgive and surly Allah is all forgiving, he will put a cover on your sin and hide it in life and after inshallah.
I shouldn't think about it but it upsets me that everything he promised me he has now given to someone else. Just like the guys I have had proposals from they all wanted sex before marriage and its not worth losing your respect or dignity that's what im trying to say women who are naive and vulnerable are easily led its true. The fact you telling him will hurt him and it maybe used against you during marriage arguments and fights.
You need to have respect for yourself and I think if you lose that then you lose everything else. Women are easily led by men who think some are easy takers and are given false impressions. I believe in you sister that the fact you feel guilt after doing this is that your heart is good and your not a bad human. I once read if u tell people ur sin you won't be forgiven as I have told people about our relationship ?? I hate him for what he has done but know I am equally to blame for even going near what is haraam.
I hae lost 3 stones in the last two months and due to my mother or sister not knowig the full details they don't understand how deeply it has affected me.



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