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admin 25.11.2014

It was recently my birthday, and I typed the following to a man online who quickly made things personal when I declined to give him my address so he could send me a present: I’m tired of making concessions to things that make me uncomfortable. So far, I’ve been lucky— I’ve only received emotional jabs not physical stabs as a result of my small nos. The next morning, trying to be preemptive and stay a step ahead of any rejection-related weirdness he might have felt, I sent him a message asking if he wanted to get coffee before I went home.
It is interesting to think, and not much of a leap, that if rape is about power, that it’s predicated on the notion that our no is a weapon. I chose the anecdote about my writer friend as an example because his “soft” killing of me stung a bit more than other times I have been killed in the minds of men over the past few years. Cyclocross started in Europe more than one hundred years ago when cyclist were looking for a way to stay fit in winter. Cyclocross requires the power of a sprinter, the speed and endurance of a time trialist, the bike-handling skills of a mountain biker and the tactics of a road racer. It is not surprising that cyclocross has become the fastest growing part of the sport of cycling in the U.S. Events foster a festive atmosphere and encourage everyone to have fun while racing as hard as possible. That one just led to a lot of kids seeing Nancy Reagan’s face in their weed the first time they smoked pot.
I’m keenly aware as I write this that there will be people who think this is a pointless topic. Actually, seeing what I could of his profile at the time, I didn’t even know he was a writer. He typed back that he didn’t, and that was it, effective immediately, our friendship was over. I believe that the empathetic no is most women’s default no, because somewhere along the lines we internalized it not just as politesse, but as a survival tactic. Our freedom to choose, to decline, to demur, is seen by some as a power that we wield, and sexual assault is a way for men to take our power to say no away from us. I had hoped that he had taken me seriously as a peer, and the way our relationship ended proved that he had not. Her writing can be found in various anthologies including Ladyland and The Best Sex Writing 2015 and online at websites like The Weeklings, Jezebel, Junk Lit, The Hairpin and The Rumpus.
It left me thinking that the thing you’re searching for, demanding, is simple respect. But what about the smaller nos in the lives of women, and the consequences to us when we demur?


It’s just an annoying fact of life, they will say, sometimes you say yes when you really want to say no. My mother’s voice echoes through my head as I write this: “Well dear, those men were never your real friends anyway,” and she would be right, of course.
We had mutual Facebook friends, including a female writer who is one of my heroes, and I used to see his posts on her page. While we are still connected via Facebook, we do not communicate with each other at all anymore.
We don’t talk about the implication when a woman rejects a man, no matter how gently, and this is how he reacts. He doesn’t even come across as human, but as a preening, posing set of entitlements and needs.
And there have been times, depending on the man, where I’ve felt the need to tread as softly as possible when giving my small no, aware that there might be some kind of consequence.
Sometime in our lives, we either learned or observed that it was better to be careful with our small nos.
In my life, I haven’t had that many experiences where I slept with a man, then never heard from him again.
Her book of essays, stories, and poems, My Body Would be the Kindest of Strangers, is forthcoming in 2015. That it doesn’t yet exist as a given demonstrates the gulf remaining between the genders. But underneath what we’ve collectively been dismissing as “suck it up, move on” non-events lies a sentiment that should be acknowledged. From his profile picture, I saw that he chose to show himself to the world as a kitschy goofball.
I was staying at a friend’s apartment, and after so many shots at the bar, I decided it was time for me to go.
He doesn’t even say Happy Birthday, when everyone and their thrice removed cousin comes out of the woodwork on that site with an annual greeting.
As a society, we will discuss it only if his reaction is big—if it has a body count, but not if his reaction is bloodless.
That’s the stereotype: The woman wanting the emotional connection, and the man only being interested in the physical one.
For example, in the picture he was wearing over-sized clown glasses and a giant purple sombrero. Sometimes, when no meets the male ego, the result is like the chemical reaction of combustibles.


With no set agenda for anything to do once we got there, the implication was pretty clear: Did I want to go back to his place and engage in sexual activity?
I have lost more relationships with men because early on, I merely said no to them in some small way. In the state where I live, a young girl was stabbed to death for saying no to a boy who asked her to the prom. When I told the man I would not give him my address so he could send me “my gift,” he decided to give me what I’m sure in his mind was another kind of gift. He told me (in so many words) that I was rude, damaged, and obviously had trust issues that I needed to work on. He is a person who has grown up to believe, just by the nature of his gender, that he is owed what he wants, and to not get what he believed he was entitled to enraged him. He believed it was nothing less than an act of war to deny him what he felt was his birthright.
He wanted me to come to the city where he lived so we could meet, but I wasn’t in any big hurry. He kept asking me to call him on the phone, which was kind of annoying, but eventually I did, the first small yes when I would have preferred to say no.
A  I learned something from every man I met or exchanged emails with, and Lou taught me a few words in Spanish.A  Ole! We can take a little walk, maybe get our feet wet, and then lie on a blanket and listen to the waves. I do the same thing myself, when the mood strikes.A  And how about this for being an "in tune with women" kinda guy?A  A few days after I had ordered myself 2 new green dresses and several in black to add to my collection from a mail order company named Newport News, he sent an email asking:A  "So, what are you wearing right now? A  For Christ Sake!!A  How about saving the Taxpayers a buck?A  In addition to that $6 million you've already blown by hovering and covering me, and scheduling a proper Face to Base meeting in your office; at my convenience? Dramatic, but no drama.A  Short black skirt, or long black dress?A  Heels or boots?A  Camo, or commando? Until then, as in the end,there is much more to come.A A A  Once Upon a Time, a little mushroom popped through the moss covered ground of the Southeast Alaska Rainforest. Grant, Attorney at Law, Juneau, AK From Wedding Bells to Tales to Tell: The Affidavit of Eric William Swanson, my former spouse AFFIDAVIT OF SHANNON MARIE MCCORMICK, My Former Best Friend THE AFFIDAVIT OF VALERIE BRITTINA ROSE, My daughter, aged 21 THE BEAGLE BRAYS! HELL'S BELLS: THE TELLS OF THE ELVES RING LOUD AND CLEAR IDENTITY THEFT, MISINFORMATION, AND THE GETTING THE INFAMOUS RUNAROUND Double Entendre and DoubleSpeak, Innuendos and Intimidation, Coercion v Common Sense, Komply (with a K) v Knowledge = DDIICCKK; Who's Gunna Call it a Draw?



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