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admin 07.04.2015

Derrek asks, “Some people genuinely love each other despite going bat-sh*t crazy on each other each and every day. There are a lot of people out there who would tell you to get the hell out of a dysfunctional relationship. If you get too dysfunctional people together, they may actually be perfect for each other, at least in that moment.
The question for me is not whether or not a relationship can be fixed, but rather, is it worth the effort to you? What hurts more – the idea of leaving, or the idea of staying, even if nothing changes? But, if the idea of leaving your partner (not the kids, etc., your partner) is too painful to consider right now, then you may well have the motivation to resolve your issues. Are you willing to give up the idea of asking them to change so that you can feel better, and do the work on yourself? If, after all of these questions, you’ve determined that you are, in fact, willing to save the relationship, then you have a chance. I know of no better way to help you focus, other than getting professional help, like a therapist or coach, than journaling.
We have this tendency, when we want to fix something that’s broken, to start in the area that bothers us the most.
Taking on the biggest issue you have before you’ve gotten some practice under your belt, will leave you feeling like you just got pretzeled by a Karate champ.
Now that you know what the actual thought is that you’re reacting to, is it possible for you to see how your perception of the original incident may have been false? And only now that you’ve obtained this clarity, would you go and have a chat with your partner about what happened. I’ll share more techniques in the future that will help you bring a relationship back into line, but this is the most powerful one I know. Check out Coaching Call #13, which includes an actual example of releasing beliefs using triggering events. I used this technique over and over to change the relationship I had with one family member. But when you go one change at a time and you see that person every day, it’s more subtle.
I just spent the night wrestling with an issue until 4 AM, going over and over it in my head. Anyway, a little voice in my head finally became audible, and it was saying, ‘The mother is the one who ensures everyone else is taken care of, and comfortable. I will be going over this post’s questions, and seeing what else pops up on my radar. So Meldoy, do you think if I changed my vibration enough, my husband would suddenly find the desire to be warmer and up the thermometer? So, I did the question and answer from this post on my little issue, because it really is a small simple one.
2) Because I have finally built up the balls to say I want it, I am ready to fight for it straight up. I well remember how much I hated losing, having to do things his way, yet wanting to make him happy, because when he was happy, he wasn’t making me miserable and, he was my best bud when he wasn’t being a jerky older brother! But if you stopped assuming that people will always say no and just ask them nicely, feeling totally entitled to do so, you might be very surprised by what you could accomplish and how much drama you’d save yourself. And of course I feel the annoyance of wondering what beliefs I have about just doing what I want and the possible outcomes. You clearly think you need permission to change the thermostat and you resent it at the same time. I’ll try to be very polite since I know Melody wants her friends to be treated with hugs and extra care like babies and I respect that .
But what I am learning here, with Melody and LOA, is the first time something has worked and I can actually change my state and feel better.
I do see a light, and am extremely impatient to get to it, even knowing that I need time to get there. You, Here, Now, To feel way you like, the way you feel comfortable and accept as possible even if it doesn’t make sense for everyone. All the rest is fear and guilt, based on who owns your life and what you accept at your deepest level as good or bad that deserves punishment. So I’ll go work on my fear of judgement and be very happy that someone finds what I blather on about, useful! We’re always looking outside of ourself for love, understanding, protection, cherishing, importance, attention. I’ve recently been contemplating writing a book based around the poems, cards and texts that my partner and I wrote to each other in the first few years of our relationship.
All the words I wrote for him, as if my heart were as big as the world and beating to sustain it all, were words I wrote for me. When we can learn to direct our love inwards, we take the pressure off of everyone else in our lives to be what we want for ourselves and to just be who they are. Divorce is stressful, from divvying up the assets to determining custody arrangements and untangling previously tangled lives.
But sometimes the best way to live a stress-free life during and after divorce is to simply let go of things you can't control. Click through the slideshow below to see what they had to say, then head to the comments to share your favorite quote or saying about moving on. In The Anatomy Of An Abusive Relationship, I explored what an abusive relationship is and advised that if you find yourself in one, the best course of action is generally to get out and then work on your vibration (of course, you have to shift considerably just to get out). What if there are screaming fights, and throwing of things, loads of drama, hot, hot makeup sex, and enormous ups and downs? That means, that pretty much any relationship can be brought into alignment – where both parties can communicate authentically and get what they want. You have to at least be willing to believe in this theoretically, even if you’re not sure how to translate it practically. This means, you’re going to have to create a safe place for yourself, take some time every day and do this inner work. And then, you’ll most likely decide that it must be your fault, making you feel even worse.
The stuff that you keep wanting to dismiss as not important (you know, because if only that one thingy would change, everything would be ok). By knowing why you suddenly turned into a screeching ninja, you can explain what you were really afraid of to your partner.

If you start with the easier ones, you’ll be able to build enough momentum to finally go after the big, hairy issues. It requires you to really get to know yourself, to own your emotions and to dissect what it is that you want. In this call, the client realizes a powerful shift by dissecting and reframing an incident with her sister. Basically, as soon as you make the shift, the next time you see the person, you could notice a change. I didn’t see him more than once a year (not even that) and so it was a bit like night and day. And this can be winter or summer, cause in summer, the AC is set where he’s comfortable. And at the same time I resent feeling that way, because I should be able to get what I want too, but that’s just selfish! And if anyone tries to question or stop me from trying to get what I want, out comes crazy eyed screeching ninja bitch, because I expect to have to fight to get what I want. And then I resent that rolling over, because I want what I want, and damn it, others should feel like I do, and understand that sometimes they should give up what they want for me, like I do for them. And after much thought, I have an idea it may be tied to my brother, whom, I am told, from the time I was a baby, often told me I was ugly, stupid and stinky, and to get a way from him. And yes, when I tried to stand up for myself, I usually lost, unless I got the first shot in.
But when I question my worth in getting it, or how it will effect others…then the trouble starts. I am often more upset about me having an issue over something than I am about the issue itself! Do you think you can read the answers (which you already know by the way) without having to hate yourself and then put the blame on someone else? You are used to thinking that what works and makes your life easier is not a possibility when it comes to your life and you shouldn’t be happy with results because you somehow played against the rules of righteous suffering. As long as you express yourself you unconsciously give clues of what’s really going on in your head. And I am able to like and agree with the theory that because I think something is a problem, it is. If people really take the time to understand what you’re saying they will see that the only relationship that really matters, the only relationship any of us needs to focus on, enrich, nourish and prioritise, is our relationship with ourself. We think that if only we had that amazing, special someone who made us the centre of their universe then our lives would be perfect and everything else would fall into place. But, can you do that while in a volatile situation that’s triggering you heavily on an ongoing basis? What if you love this drama queen, and the idea of leaving is far more painful than the idea of staying, even if nothing changes?
If the thought of leaving feels like a huge relief, you may have already made the decision to leave, but you’re just waiting for permission to do so.
You can do this in your head, or you can actually create a physical space that’s yours. When all that really happened is that your inexperienced and impatient mouth wrote a check that your butt couldn’t cash.
If you can focus on the feeling of the incident, memories that feel just like that will come up. In other words, when you feel better, they’ll mirror that back to you and act in ways that make it easy for you to feel better. But, it’s also helpful to figure out where we are essentially sabotaging what we want, and shift those limiting beliefs.
And last night the doors to outside were open until we went to bed, to let in the fresh cooler fall weather!
Oh and did I say I’m pretty sure I want them to read my mind too, so I don’t have to ask or fight with them so they see it my way? And then, as I grew and we played together, I was informed in one way or another that when I wanted something other than what he wanted I was again, stupid.
Would I rather be angry at my husband because I’m cold and he always sets the thermostat lower than I like? I mean, stomach balling up tight, heart starting to pound, head feeling tight like I was contemplating something horrendous. Now, let your mind drift back and look for the earliest memory that comes up that matches that feeling (it will match). Do you think that this LOA stuff is just a fancy trick to make others get in your head, acknowledge you’re right and then do so because it’s right? If I come to you and ask you politely to give me the key of your house and your car and all your money in the bank, because I’m very poor and broke and my momy is sick and I have a child I can’t even buy a bottle of milk, my family will starve to death, oh my God I need heeelp, shall you give that to me Pleeeeaaase? According to some precious people of yours, life and knowing yourself should be difficult as if it was so easy everyone would do it. It’s a problem because you see it as a problem because we are supposed to see that as a problem. Have you tried pretending that everything goes your way even when reality seems far away from your thoughts and without you taking pleasure confirming that you are wrong?
And I try to take all the input I can handle, even when I get pissy and feel sorry for myself. I am finally seeing that I can change, and am making progress, but do know that this progress won’t be instant because I am still following my old paradigms. And I was constantly trying to figure out why I was unhappy, and trying self help techniques, one after another, incesantly. Knowing that there is a better way, and experinecing how it feels when you do it right is awesome! You must look totally focused and agitated (like something terrible is about to happen if things don’t get fixed diligently) to make sure that everyone is convinced (including you) that you gave 110% but in case of failure that was beyond of your powers and it was not your fault.
Only when there is no one more important to you than you, can you allow others to truly take their own authentically important place in your life.
To help you move forward, we've gathered some of the best quotes on the art of letting go, from famous figures as varied as Lao Tzu and Bill Cosby. And I think it starts to kick-in once a couple has been together for several years (married or otherwise), meaning it was not always a bad relationship, it just slowly got there. They won’t have it in them to mirror your daddy issues right back at you until you finally figure out that you might want to do something about them.
How can you learn to see the other person in a different light when they are literally screaming in your face?

You can spot patterns more easily when you have a written record of your thoughts and feelings, you can let go of anger and resentment, and you can figure out what it is that you really want. They will not change the way they act so that you can feel better, while you’re still in a bad feeling vibration. This of course ensured that the bedroom was cold, so by the time I got into bed, I was freezing.
When I doubt my self worth, I find the world and those in it reflecting that back at me, showing me that I’m not worthy of getting what I want. But I couldn’t put my finger on what belief, or what I was feeling (besides abused ) that was causing this.
If I don’t feel that way as often around strangers, then why do I feel that way with family? And my first post was an issue I just experienced, then the second was me showing how I figured out what I was doing. But because difficult is only a word and takes many interpretations (from a range of a little tiring to almost impossible) you have to become blind not to see the answer which was sometimes obvious.
Do you really need the respect of a gorilla or a lion if they are behind the bars of a cage? So I’ll just keep plodding through my difficult interpretation of life, trying to figure out how to change these very limiting beliefs that are driving me very crazy!
Some people who seem cool guys behind a screen tell you that you Think you can’t , it’s your fault, you are willing to see the light, they give you hope but you actually wonder HOW? So yes, I have to be realistic about where I am at and not beat myself up when it doesn’t happen like that.
Imagine your disappointment if you try doing something with a smile, totally relaxed and happy, and it turns out to be a failure. But then, these are the things I want to fix, and this is the blog where I’m finding I get the most done in that endevour. I’ll have to address those beliefs in another post, but for now, if leaving feels like heaven to you, then your work would be in making peace with the beliefs that make that seems impossible, rather than trying to fix the relationship. You’d practice, gain strength and technique, and spar with opponents that were easier to beat. So, even the easy ones may actually help you to shift the core of what’s really wrong.
Yet at the same time, I am also saying, why should his comfort be more important then mine? You know, punched, poked, tackled to the ground and pummeled, put in the dreaded choke hold until panic set in, or tickled until I peed myself.
Then, it builds and you get all resentful until you can’t take it any more and the ninja bitch comes out. But figuring them out, and maybe, accepting some of the crazy things I believe, are both a little difficult too. But I bet you find it difficult when the nice and polite guy at the shop starts being curious and wants to know details about your life. As you said, I was feeling sorry for myself, wanting to feel worthy through somebody elses actions. So I’ve established the world as a dangerous place where I have to fight for what I want, and can only get approval and respect from outside of myself , and only when I am good.
But since you consider change as almost impossible practically even if it sounds good in theory then you need time to relax and accept.
On the face of it, they read like a Greek epic, like one of the great love-stories of all time. Mind you, if there is abuse, if you are being beaten into the ground, either literally or figuratively, I would always advise that you leave ASAP.
And, over time, you’d reach the level where you could spar with the black belt without getting your ass handed to you.
The stuff so many older siblings do to their younger siblings when they can get away with it. Maybe I was just very impressionable or sensitive, so took much of what he did and said to heart. Like Tony said, is it more that I think I will be the better person if I am suffering instead of just doing what I want? The bad thing (if you really want to continue seeing bad things) is that when you were younger you somehow felt it’s a trap, perhaps you felt invincible that time. But to be honest when I read them now, I can see how desperate I was for my own acceptance, for my own love, for my own recognition of my validity and self-worth, for my gripping, grasping need for me to see myself for Who I Really Was. Note, that you don’t have to know HOW your partner might change, you just have to believe that they could.
If you want to save your volatile relationship, you’re going to have to be willing to do the work.
Over time, you’ll gain a completely different understanding of yourself, what you want and what you need.
And maybe this isn’t even why I have these beliefs, but it would make sense this where they came from.
POOR ME!’ And I can hear it so clearly now, even if it is almost embarrassing to see myself in such a way. You eagerly followed the rules because it was more rewarding pretending the good child and now that it’s not fun anymore because you have responsibilities as an adult and you get the respect of a good child you finally noticed something goes wrong. Then when I do figure out they are there, changing them is very rarely a fast and easy process. That depends on you, so try to eliminate your limiting belief that you are not good enough for pretty anything that has to do with you experiencing some positive outcomes. Pay attention to your belly, if you feel yourself tensed like you are ready to complain, run or hit something just don’t do anything.
Don’t be happy though because you are not the good and righteous person you suppose you are.
I have to get my husband to do it, acknowledge I am right and worthy, and only then I will feel authorized to be warm in my own house? And, you’ll start to line up with what you actually want, as your own vibration begins to match it. If you love someone, you MUST love them enough to let them go and find their own happiness .

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