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20.10.2014
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Even during our pre-Atti infertile years, I wanted to love the concept of Family Is What You Make It, but I usually just found it disappointing.
When we’ve gone through hard things before, Bear and I will tackle them like partners.
Right along side of all the mundane trips to the grocery store and Facebook political arguments, there are people walking around like shadows, confused as to how the whole world is going along like nothing has changed when their world will never be the same. Like when an astronaut does a space walk and gets a glimpse of their place in all of creation. When I was 15 I had foot surgery and very much like Atti right now, I spent 6 weeks mostly in bed. I’ve written and spoken pretty extensively about my abusive childhood, but I rarely tell the stories. I was three or four years old and I was climbing down the stairs with a bowl of cold cereal, trying to balance it carefully so I didn’t spill the milk on the stairs and face trouble. That tweet was a pat on the back from a beloved family member, telling me that they were proud of what I’ve done. During the last year from hell when I was busily trying not to kill myself, a lot of my relationships took a big hit. So with everything being so fraught and complicated and vulnerable on my end of things, it was the perfect timing to have a retreat with some of my favorite people from around the nation. These gals are all a special breed of trouble that I run the Feminist Mormon Housewives empire with. My friend Melissa schools me in all things Nerdly, and it was her gentle hand that guided me through my first ever Dungeons and Dragons experience. I spent this conference weekend in Utah, attending the second Ordain Women event asking to attend the Priesthood session of conference. I’ve been writing and talking about this all so much that I am loathe to recap it all again. What has been so deeply saddening in all this is not that we were turned away, I expected that. When people think that I’m doing all this for reasons other than my own earnest devotion to truth and justice, it never fails to shock me. Instead, if I were able to put all this away and fit in as a Good Mormon Woman I would be dramatically more successful. Whether you are looking to fire your phone company and replace your landline or enhance your communications and entertainment experience, netTALK has you covered.
I was standing at the head of a Thanksgiving table loaded with food, raising a glass to offer a toast of gratitude. We moved so much that any friendships we assembled would fail under long distance pressure, differences in life phases would take their toll, and people would usually have different expectations out of the relationship than I did. We went to lunch and told each other our life stories and laughed and laughed and when things stopped going her way where she was living we invited her to come live with us.


For all the complications and negotiations, I also have so much more support and so much more love. Maybe just not in the timeframe I imagined for myself, but that seems to track with how my life works.
It was the one where they did a take on the Michael Jackson molestation scandal and in the L&O universe, the parents knew what was going on and allowed it to happen so they could have money to pay off medical bills.
I got to move around on crutches, but that was extremely hard for a clutzy girl on the slick streets of the Pacific Northwest. And anytime we experience suffering, we can choose to let it expand our empathy or shrink our souls.
I have a selection of stories that I think are hilarious in their downer-hood, and some stories that are only hilarious to me while the rest of the room gapes in open mouthed horror, but I rarely give out the gorey details. We lived in a house in Broomfield Colorado, and my younger sister and I were too young to start school.
In our society having kids is still pretty much a given, and for a girl in a religious environment it’s all but a fact. I have always been diligent about getting emotionally healthy and this was one area that I dove deep into. It brought me right back to that loneliness and longing and that hope that someday someone would love me.
I had to pull away completely from casual friends and acquaintances, developing relationships got nipped in the bud, and some long-term relationships were blown to bits. We chat online every day about the minutia of our lives, problem solving all the issues that come with running a giant online community, and raging against the man. I had the very best time cooking for everyone, fussing over bedding, making sure everyone was comfortable and watching the whole season of the Bachelor while we critiqued it through a feminist lens. Anytime we get together we come up with reasons to celebrate, to mark the occasion, to recognize milestones. I was planning on still being there today to meet with people who worked for the Church to have discussions about how to help the women of the church, but the meetings I had worked so hard to line up all got canceled.
Because of my activism I have lost book deals, sponsorships, readers, friends, family, community, jobs, careers, speaking tours, and more opportunities than I can count. I look around at every seat filled with someone I love, and I see the love they have for me reflected back. I want to be able to believe that I could have a child that would meet every milestone, that would happily and uncomplicatedly grow up, fall in love, have more children, and surround me with my dream.
She moved in back in November, just in time for my abdominal surgery, and then the whole rest of the shitstorm we’ve been living through.
She’s working on a startup that will result in refugees and immigrants getting access to legal aid and I believe in her and I believe in her project so I invited her to come and stay with us too. Holly moved in not having a drivers license and needing a job and for a while there it was complicated getting her everywhere she needed to get.
When I’m having a pain day I have people who will tuck me in and bring me platters of snacks. All the things I have tried to claim for myself have blown up spectacularly, but the things that are brought to me are the things that last.
I didn’t have anyone to take care of me so I had to crawl up the stairs to get myself some food and find my own way to keep myself entertained in the pre-Internet pre-iPad days. I think that most people allow suffering to pickle them and then they punish the world for their experiences. This is purposeful and I have a lot of reasons for it, but I’m going to break that rule so I can explain just how important this tweet is in my life. And it made me realize, again, in a way that 3 year old me could understand, that I did it. He will be untouched by the Nitrogen bomb because I spent years defusing it and turning it into fertilizer that nourishes the soil and creates beauty.
Being that vulnerable and exposed left me feeling naked and wounded in every encounter I had with another human, but it also made me need people more than ever. There are just not enough moments in a woman’s life where she gets surrounded by her community in support and celebration, so when we get together we make those moments happen. Denied from the sacred ground our ancestors built and told to stand with the protesters screaming violence and obscenities in our faces. I don’t think that the PR department had any idea that we were actually earnest seekers. In part because I know these people, I’ve had great associations with them, it hurts to have them think such nefarious things about me and it hurts me to see them not living up to their own values.


I’ve had plenty of dinner parties and events with full tables, but the image was distinct because of the depth of feeling. So, while there is still every possibility that Atticus will grow up and get married and have children, I knew from early on that I couldn’t count on it. Intellectually I know that is not only impossible to guarantee, but inappropriate to put on a kid whose only obligation should be to walk their own path and not mine.
Jenn now works alongside me every day, her on her laptop working on her projects and me at my desk working on mine, and some days we spend all our time talking when we each had deadlines we were supposed to be meeting.
I have more people that will talk with me through all the big decisions I have to make, who will love Atti ferociously, who will validate hard things in my past, who will make me appreciate who I am and where I’ve been, who will let me love them. Most of the time I’m just feeling kind of melancholy as I keep moving to get the job done. And then when I woke up, in that early morning grogginess, I remember waking up and checking my phone and wondering why it wasn’t every lead story in the news. I am definitely skirting around depression and using all of my strategies to keep it at bay. We lived in the basement and my dad worked days while my mom worked nights and my two older siblings went to school. I believed that there was something so wrong in me that my parents couldn’t help but abuse me.
As I kept getting older and faced the years of infertility, I was nearly crushed under the conflict of an honest desire for children to love and a secret relief that they weren’t coming. This was for a conference about race and Mormonism and I flew in and showed up because I deeply care about anti-racism. Our every action and mere existence interpreted with suspicion, people projecting poor behavior on us because their pride was wounded. I think they came prepared for people waging a manipulative and deceptive battle and by the end of it, I think at least Kim understood that we were not there to cause trouble or embarrassment. There’s two more adults eating and sleeping and hanging out and that has changed the dynamic of our simple little threesome right when everything was so so so hard.
It’s like, if everybody eats, some people really really enjoy food, and my parents were foodies. So I was home alone with my younger sister until my mom came home from work, and then we had to be quiet while she slept after her shift.
It was easier to accept blame than it was to face that the people who were supposed to protect me were dangerous. I had white tissue paper lanterns on hand we use for birthday celebrations, so we took one of them and we all wrote on it together.
I knew that what she was doing was going to be physically and spiritually exhausting and I felt for her.
And I know that to be true with the same fervor and in the same way that I know God lives and that I find him in this faith. And when we’re all together hanging out and watching a movie together, I just want to explode with happiness, even in the midst of the hardness. Then Atti needs to be cleaned up because eating every meal in bed makes a gross mess even if you have full use of your motor functions.
I opened that door and I looked in the dark corners and I faced it all down so that my children wouldn’t have to.
When I went in for the hug I whispered in her ear, “I know this will be hard for you today. They think we’re an adorably out of touch religion at best and a source of oppression at worst.
If you’re a real glutton for punishment, go into some parenting group and suggest that some of those precious snowflakes will end up a disappointment. He needs to be entertained, and moved from room to room, and kept calm and hopeful, and I have stolen moments here and there until Bear gets home from work. So my sister and I would stay in the basement by ourselves until my siblings came home from school. But now, with a fully developed prefrontal cortex and some life experience behind me, it might be.
Sometimes my mom would call down the stairs and hand us a bag of donuts on her way off to bed, but most of the times we would fend for ourselves.



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