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Ik las dat ook al over zijn verleden maar voorlopig melden ze enkel alcoholgebruik op de bewuste avond, anijsalcohol dan nog wel, van het soort waar je 's zomers vaak reclame over ziet. De laatste jaren liep de alleenstaande man wel vaker dronken rond in het centrum van Antwerpen. Nu, in het algemeen lijkt wat ik zei toch geldig te blijven, iemand die gewapend is kan zich verdedigen, iemand die onbewapend is niet. Oh, in mijn ervaring roepen diegenen waar het mes wordt ingestoken altijd zeer overtuigd "nee!' - of een gelijksoortige variant. Een agressieve houding is het andere uiterste: een potentiele aanvaller kan door agressie geintimideerd of geprovoceerd worden, waarbij hij sneller zal overgaan tot fysiek geweld.
Door een combinatie hiervan te maken, waarbij een duidelijk beeld van zelfvertrouwen wordt overgedragen zonder direct bedreigende impulsen, zou het mogelijk zijn om met potentiele geweldenaars een dialoog te voeren. Ge beseft toch wel, dat de zwaartekracht aan de andere kant van de wereld de bar op haar plaats zal houden.
Assertive behavior builds self-confidence and self-esteem.  Standing up for your rights and needs in a respectful manner is a way of asserting yourself but can be hard to do. Without assertiveness, you are often left feeling guilty, unsettled, bad about yourself, or upset at others.
By answering these questions, you are able to get a better understanding of what triggers your unassertive behavior. If you noticed you get angry or upset with others or feel upset at their presence, you may need to work on your assertiveness skills as well.
This entry was posted in Insecurity, Self Confidence and tagged aggressive, assertive, assertiveness, building self-esteem, communication, passive, self esteem, speaking up people pleaser. This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. Count your blessings: Express gratitude for what you have or convey your appreciation to one or more individuals whom you’ve never properly thanked. Cultivate optimism: Imagine and write about the best possible future for yourself, or practice looking at the bright side of every situation. Avoid overthinking and social comparison: Cut down on how often you dwell on your problems and compare yourself to others. Practice acts of kindness: Do good things for others, whether friends or strangers, either directly or anonymously, either spontaneously or planned.
Nurture relationships: Pick a relationship in need of strengthening, and invest time and energy in healing, cultivating, affirming, and enjoying it. Do more activities that truly engage you: Increase the number of experiences at home and work in which you “lose” yourself, which are challenging and absorbing. Replay and savor life’s joys: Pay close attention, take delight, and go over life’s momentary pleasures and wonders – through thinking, writing, drawing, or sharing with another.
Commit to your goals: Pick one, two, or three significant goals that are meaningful to you and devote time and effort to pursuing them. Develop strategies for coping: Practice ways to endure or surmount a recent stress, hardship, or trauma.
Learn to forgive: Work on letting go of anger and resentment towards one or more individuals who have hurt or wronged you. Practice religion and spirituality: Become more involved in your church, temple, or mosque, or reading and pondering spiritually-themed books. Take care of your body: Engaging in physical activity, meditating, and smiling and laughing. Lawyers who shine in the stress tolerance success factor will face crises and problems rather than surrendering to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.  These lawyers have effective coping mechanisms, remain calm and maintain control, have optimism towards change issues, and appear to be and are stable and relaxed. Lawyers who have higher social responsibility competency will demonstrate that they cooperate more, contribute more, and more constructively contribute to their social groups relative to those with lesser abilities in this factor.  Those with lesser ability may demonstrate more antisocial attitudes, act abusively, and take advantage of others.
Upcoming CLE OpportunitiesI periodically offer state approved CLE programs that provide a high level, functional introduction to emotional intelligence (EI), the law, and professionalism. The EQ-i 2.0™, a leading self-report measure of emotional intelligence, based upon the original research of Dr.
As just noted, some lawyers do not protect themselves at all.  Assertiveness involves a person standing up for his or her own rights, causes, and beliefs and doing it without aggression or abuse. Know that clearly asking for what you want greatly increases your chances to getting your needs met.
Do not automatically say “yes”.  Make a goal to respond to questionable requests by giving yourself time to consider this new demand for your time, attention, energy, or resources. Know the very important difference between assertiveness and aggression  —  always strive to make your points in a constructive, non-hostile way which honors the rights and interests of others, but does not “give in”.
Always remember that by becoming a lawyer, and whether you work for yourself, or practice in a firm or department, or for the government, when it comes to issues about your work and workload, avoiding and managing stress, getting what you want in life, and obtaining and maintaining your health and well-being, emotionally intelligent assertiveness, not aggression or passiveness, will carry you farthest both personally and professionally.  Why? For most of my life, I wasn’t assertive enough at work (I’m usually assertive enough in my personal life, but even there, I’m not always assertive enough). Assertiveness is largely the realization that you are in control of what you will or will not do, but not in control of what others will or will not do. If you attempt to be assertive instead of your normal response to stress (whether it be passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive), the people around you might not react positively – not because assertiveness is bad, but because they’ve come to expect that you’re passive or aggressive. You are in charge of your own behavior, others are in charge of their behavior. That’s really the key point of this entire book. This chapter comes straight out of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
Passive people tend to not give their opinion at all, while aggressive people tend to state their opinion in such a way to make it clear that other opinions are wrong – neither one is cool.
The best way to give good positive feedback is to avoid all ulterior motives. Never give a false compliment, nor a backhanded one.
If you cannot say no to someone or something, you’re not in charge of your life. Learning how to say no doesn’t mean you’ve decided to ignore the needs and wants everyone around you.

Another part of balancing assertiveness well without falling into passivity or aggressiveness is to make requests that are clear but aren’t controlling. Sometimes, confrontations are unavoidable, particularly when someone is demanding more than is realistic or socially unacceptable. To put it simply, if everyone in the workplace actually used the ideas in The Assertiveness Workbook, the workplace would be a wonderful place to be.
Naturally, the first step you can always make in creating such a workplace is to do it yourself – be assertive, not aggressive or passive or (worst of all) passive-aggressive. If you have an idea for a podcast you would like to see or a question about an upcoming episode, e-mail me. Let er wel op dat dit subforum enkel over dergelijk algemene zaken gaat die niet thuishoren in de themafora.
Een te passieve houding toont aan dat je een kwetsbaar slachtoffer bent, wat inderdaad geweld kan veroorzaken. Het is nagenoeg onmogelijk om de bar perfect te centreren, waardoor deze sowieso langs een kant naar de aarde zal vallen. When you don’t speak up for yourself, it gives others the impression that you have very little self-respect. When initiating conversations, do you tend to shy away from starting up a dialogue and wait for others to make the first move? Are there particular people you feel totally comfortable with (sharing your feelings or asking for help)? When talking to others, do you ever get tense muscles, butterflies in your stomach, or feel like your heart’s beating out of your chest?
If you noticed you avoid speaking up or interacting with others, even if you feel nervous, you may need to work on your passivity. Together, the 1-5-15 factor formula comprises the model which contains the set of emotional and social skills which the EQ-i 2.0 measures. I provide normal personality and emotional intelligence assessments, assessment interpretation and feedback, and professional development planning and training activities for lawyers, judges, other legal services providers, and their organizations.
The EQi 2.0 Handbook describes these as “buckets” for organization the subscales, which provide finer detail about the results.
Instead, it involves personal and professional development aided by normal personality and emotional intelligence assessments and other valid psychometric tools and coaching. Randy Paterson takes on the spectrum of assertiveness problems and strives to point people towards an appropriate, mentally healthy level of assertiveness in their lives.
Passive people tend to not recognize the control of what they themselves do, while aggressive people tend to try to control what everyone does (and passive-aggressive folks alternate between the two in often-confusing ways).
They might be confused as to how you’re acting and it might make the relationship worse in the short term. Naturally passive people, for example, believe that assertiveness is selfishness and passivity is the way to be loved and valued – neither of which is actually true. You may naturally be a passive person, but you can choose to act in ways that are assertive. It offers a very long checklist of nonverbal behaviors for you to work on to make your presence felt in a room without dominating others aggressively. They view it as unbalancing the situation and either should be ignored, devalued, or met with a reciprocal compliment. You should also try to compliment things that have already happened, like complimenting someone on a lovely dinner after the dinner. This is very hard for passive people to do, but there are a few principles that can make negative feedback really helpful. Confrontations are occasionally part of appropriate assertiveness, as long as you prepare for that confrontation in a rational fashion. If things get intense, emotions tend to take over and no resolution to the problem can happen. You’d have a good idea where others stand and people wouldn’t commit to unrealistic things.
If you find that you fall into one of the other areas, The Assertiveness Workbook can be really useful in helping you assert yourself without trampling all over others.
The same is true when you express yourself in an aggressive or demanding style; people stop listening and lose respect.
You may fall into avoidance or aggressive communication styles when feeling stressed out or upset. When you leave the situation, are you often plagued with thoughts about what you could have said differently, should have avoided, or the way you acted? Perhaps you notice feeling fake, like you have to pretend or put on a “mask” of your real self? This leads you to feel anxious, angry with yourself, and others, leading to lower self-esteem.
If you treat others with disrespect, it is a sign that you feel that way about yourself too. David Caruso, of Yale University, one of the co-authors of that leading ability-based EI assessment.  Dr. Having that appropriate level allows a person to easily stand up for themselves, their ideas, and their goals, enabling them to climb the career ladder and build what they want for themselves. Assertiveness simply means sticking up for yourself – your time, your energy, your money, your work, and your ideas. Similarly, naturally aggressive people believe that full honesty is always the best policy and that if they’re not aggressive nothing will happen – neither of which is actually true. Sure, you can use aggression to strongly influence other’s choices, but there’s a huge cost there – resentment happens whether you see it or not.
You may naturally be aggressive, but you can choose to scale back on the aggression towards others.

Integrating these individual behaviors can be difficult, so Paterson encourages people to practice each behavior for a week, focusing intently on that behavior, until it starts to become at least a little natural. State it from your perspective: “My take is…” or “I enjoyed it…” Don’t criticize other’s views – it’s quite likely that other reasonable people will have their own take that differs from yours. First of all, state what you observed so that they understand the specific element you’re coming from.
First, state the issue to yourself and make sure you understand why this is an unresolved problem. Try to keep your voice even and don’t show off obvious signs of agitation – if you feel that way, take a time out. Confrontations would be handled without disaster and people with good ideas would be unafraid to express them but wouldn’t use them as weapons, either. While it will often allow individuals to meet short-term aims in the longer run it will cause increasing disfunction.Our communication skills trainers have many years of experience in showing people how to develop their communication style to allow them to communicate in a clear and relaxed manner.
I was usually willing to state my ideas, but I would usually fold immediately in the face of criticism of those ideas. Assertiveness strikes a happy balance between passiveness and aggressiveness, enabling you to control your own destiny without treading on others. Paterson works through a ton of such beliefs in this chapter, evaluating why they’re not generally true and offering techniques for eliminating them from your life. Similarly, if you’re passive and let others dictate your choices, you become their doormat. I find that, for me, it takes more than a week of such focus for it to become a natural behavior. This works in almost any conversation and, when prefaced that way, is almost always welcome.
Accept a compliment with a polite “Thank you” and move on with life, accepting the complement as a positive.
First, decide what you’re going to say before you even speak – if you don’t know yet, then don’t answer.
Things may get worse before they get better, but they will get better – for you and for the people around you. If anyone attacks you for stating what you think – if you make it clear that it’s just your take – they are the ones who will come off as aggressive and rude, not you. Of course, sometimes compliments are given with an ulterior motive, but you cannot honestly know what the motives of others are. Don’t try to change their mind or argue with them – it won’t work and creates more of a scene. Specify means identifying clearly (but briefly) what you’d like the other person to do to change the situation. Is it a realistic conclusion (“he makes sexist comments and demands ridiculous things of me, so the problem is that he’s sexist”) or unrealistic (“he leaves the toilet seat up so he doesn’t love me”)?
Instead, the best solution is to simply minimize the stress so that we don’t slip into our default biological “flight or fight” response – instead, we deal with it rationally, using a cool head, and often wind up choosing the best solution for the problem (usually, the assertive one).
Relationship strain is natural and should be expected, but in the end, assertiveness will make you more valuable, not less, and will build stronger relationships.
You’re going to make some mistakes along the way – that’s fine, just keep trying to find that sweet spot of assertiveness. Instead, respond positively to the comment in the now and allow other actions and statements to reveal the other person’s true character.
Don’t try to soften the “no” or else aggressive folks will see it as practically a “yes.” Don’t apologize and don’t make excuses for the “no” unless you’re actually changing your statement from an earlier promise.
Next, figure out what you want to come out of the confrontation – do you want a behavioral change or do you want a person to reflect and make a personal change within themselves? You can minimize your stress by eating well, getting adequate sleep, minimizing your caffeine intake, getting exercise, and trying to live a balanced life that mixes work, personal, and leisure time. One great technique is to minimize your communications – focus on making your messages as slim as possible, only communicating the bare assertive essentials. Quite often, particularly from people with aggression issues, the negative feedback has little to do with you but instead has to do with their own hangups.
Also, many aggressive people will continually keep asking if they want something – if you’ve decided to say “no,” keep saying it and don’t reword it (which is a cue that you’re starting to waffle). Surprisingly, it’s quite easy to condense these four pieces down into a total of just a few sentences, but they’re all needed to make a clear and fair request of others.
Ask yourself if it’s really you that needs to change, and make sure you’re picking a worthwhile battle here. You can also utilize quick stress responses that are outside the “fight or flight” dichotomy, like stopping and breathing deeply a few times. Careful reflection will reveal whether the feedback is something you need to work on or something to ignore. Then, choose an appropriate place and time and make sure you’re safe during this confrontation (as some aggressive people tend to not react well in such situations). Doing these things will make confrontations much more palatable and likely to achieve a result you want and less likely to result in ongoing problems.
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