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08.09.2013
We did our own research into the lexical world of VAGINA, and this produced some interesting results. The fact that Republicans are trying to legislate something they are unwilling to even say adds extra layers of hilarity to VAGINAgate.
In a world conspicuously devoid of adverts for wiener cleaner, it’s a bit disconcerting to see ‘Woo hoo for my froo froo!’ posted on the side of telephone boxes throughout the country. Such terms are perhaps just about acceptable when you have a little girl with a tricycle injury and don’t want her uttering the C-bomb.
The problem with euphemising the term ‘VAGINA’ is that it takes serious discussion of them off to the menu. Of course, the implication that you can’t really love your VAGINA unless you use a certain product is deeply impertinent. Until they finally realised that it annihilated everything good inside your flange, douching that made you smell detergent-like was an incredibly popular activity, promoted mostly by VAGINA-haters in the US.
In light of this, it’s of utmost importance that you learn to call your VAGINA what it is, and furthermore, accept it in its natural state. Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett and Holly Baxter are co-founders and editors of online magazine, The Vagenda. The West has flirted with the dangerous idea that we should somehow accomodate or rehabilitate Bashar al-Assad. The fragile ceasefire that has delivered a period of relative calm in some parts of Syria is being severely tested. Five members of the Syrian Civil Defence (popularly known as the White Helmets), a volunteer group in opposition areas that rescues people from buildings destroyed by the regime’s bombardment, were also killed in the latest wave of air strikes. The targeting of medical personnel and facilities is so extreme that a report by the UN Economic and Social Commission for Western Asia, in association with the University of St Andrews, estimates that half of all Syrian hospitals have been badly damaged as a result of the conflict. This is born of a deliberate policy that aims to obliterate every facet of civil infrastructure in rebel areas, so that life becomes too harsh for civilians. The Syrian conflict has been cruelly unsentimental, bulldozing a nation and eroding life in one of the earliest cradles of civilisation.
What they fail to realise is the indelible trauma of our 2003 misadventure in Iraq and the shadow it continues to cast over our political life. Yet a string of deadly terrorist attacks in Europe over the past 18 months has shown just how hard it is to protect ourselves against the toxic fallout from the Levant. Terrorism and the refugee crisis are already having a profound impact on Europe’s institutions and social unity.
Whether we like it or not, the depressing conclusion is that the Syrian crisis is our crisis.
Think of how the past few weeks of chaos in Aleppo will create even more refugees, pushing ever greater numbers towards Europe.
Our security and interests are best served if Syria is a country in which its people can live. The West has flirted with the dangerous idea that we should somehow accommodate Assad or rehabilitate him in the expectation that this will end Syria’s civil war. To see our content at its best we recommend upgrading if you wish to continue using IE or using another browser such as Firefox, Safari or Google Chrome.
To those who despair of their teenagers tackling any kind of challenge, the news that many 13-year-olds are shunning difficult books in favour of those suitable for 10‑year-olds will have come as no surprise. Perhaps because our VAGINAS, especially those of our American sisters are, much like Stalingrad, increasingly under siege (Stalingrad is another euphemism for VAGINA).
The feminist backlash to the suggestion of transvaginal probes involved women inundating Senator Ryan McDoogle’s Facebook page with detailed information about their lady bits. From the Inga Muscio classic Cunt: A Declaration of Independence to Dr Catherine Blackledge’s The Story of V, to Caitlin Moran’s How to Be a Woman, women have been trying to wrestle their vaginas out of male hands and away from male terms which don’t belong to us for ages now.


Half the population carry them around in their pants without freaking out, yet if VAGINAS were supposed to complement the saccharine, flower-gathering view of everyday women by smelling like a lavender patch, they would.
VAGINAS are a wonderful arrangement of flaps capable of the most magnificent things, just as God, in Her infinite wisdom, intended. Forces loyal to President Bashar al-Assad have ­subjected Aleppo to a ferocious assault over the past few weeks, killing scores of civilians in the process. The International Rescue Committee estimates that at its peak, over a 48-hour period, one Syrian was killed every 25 minutes. The group suffers losses frequently but the recent attacks were the biggest it has endured so far. Activists in Aleppo report that, for the first time since the uprising began in 2011, congregational Friday prayers were suspended in Aleppo on 29 April. To understand how deeply that strategy has unravelled the ­fabric of Syrian life, consider that roughly 11 million people (half of the population) are now displaced. Syrians do not understand how the outside world can passively observe these crimes and still remain inactive. One of the consequences has been the extent to which it recalibrated – for the worse – the West’s appetite for staging humanitarian interventions. That is perhaps one of the ways in which the crisis challenges us – mostly directly, but there are subtle pressures, too, such as those related to mass migration and the current wave of refugees. They polarise the debate whenever our intelligence agencies speak with fatalistic resignation of “when”, rather than “if”, another terrorist attack will occur. Set aside humanitarian and moral arguments and look instead at the situation through the prism of our national security interests. For the most part, Syrians have shown a remarkable willingness to endure the privations of war and have been forced into exile only by the relentless campaign of indiscriminate aerial bombing.
Yet the president has proved that he is not a partner who can be trusted to act in good faith. Research published by Dundee University showing that rising numbers of pupils, including the brightest, choose books like Roald Dahl’s The Twits, suitable for seven-year-olds, may confirm many of our fears about dumbing down. State representative Lisa Brown hilariously offended some Republicans last week when she had the temerity to utter the word during a ridiculously euphemistic debate about female contraception and abortion. The fact that ‘VAGINA’ is back with a vengeance can only be good in the face of patronising advertising such as the below, from a well-known feminine hygiene brand that we don’t care to publicise here. Celebrating because you got the right product to make your natural VAGINA less disgusting: not exactly the passive aggressive message we relish.
The potential for hilarity (pastrami curtains, anyone?) has been eschewed in favour of prudishness. How on earth are we supposed to retain possession of them if we can’t even call them what they are?
Lisa Brown being banned from saying "vagina", it's no wonder America were at the forefront (pun intended) of fanny denial.
Once you do that, you’ll realise that anyone who says otherwise is most likely a DOUCHEBAG. Although the city was not included in the original truce agreement, events there are too important and symbolic for rebels elsewhere to ignore. Health centres were targeted, including the most important medical facility in the rebel-held parts of Aleppo: al-Quds Hospital.
There is now a billboard campaign in rebel areas pleading with the few remaining doctors not to leave. The risk of any gathering – however small and for whatever purpose – coming under attack was just too great.
That skewing of the debate stems from the outcomes, rather than the intentions, of our past engagements.


After all, Iraq remains wildly unstable and incapable of governing itself in any meaningful way. The conclusion is obvious: instability in the Middle East and North Africa leads to instability here. Worst of all, having reached a decent level at the end of primary school, the failure to promote reading causes many to regress. An audiobook builds a child’s vocabulary and enables him or her to tackle books a good couple of years above their actual reading age.
We encountered two Italian exchange students who told us that the standard slang term for down there in Italy is ‘potato’ - a visual we’re finding it slightly difficult to get our heads around. They suggest a variety of terms, ranging from ‘mini’ to ‘twinkle’ to ‘hoo ha’, before uttering the immortal tagline ‘whatever you call it, make sure you love it.’ VOM. The whole ‘froo froo’ shebang has led to an internet-wide speculation on how you should refer to your lady parts - with equally cutesy results.
Fundamentalist Christians are no better, as the online post ’51 Christian Friendly Terms For VAGINA’, which jokingly suggests such legends as ‘sin bucket’, ‘devil sponge’ and ‘neighbour of anus’, goes to show.
Which is why it is of utmost importance that, if you can bring yourself to do it, you stop referring to your ‘la-la’ and start using the proper anatomical terminology. Pussy polishers that claim to say woo woo to your frou frou are just the natural extension of douching, which should have died a death before we even knew they did more harm than good. A schoolgirl, meanwhile, insisted that her mother referred to it as her ‘fairy’, which is just begging for years of psychoanalysis later in life when she realises that at the same age, she believed that a fairy took her teeth in exchange for money. The same happened to Texas Governor Rick Perry, who since deleting the posts became the lucky recipient of oodles of hand-knitted and crocheted VAGINAS.
We wouldn’t go so far as to suggest that you inundate the Facebook page of that ‘feminine hygiene product’ (read: vagina perfume) with ‘VULVA’ posts, but here’s the link and a labelled diagram of the general area. My daughter, luckily, took to books before primary school thanks to the splendid Frog and Toad series, but my son got trapped in the dismal Biff, Chip and Kipper reading primers, and nearly got put off for life. Shout it from your office cubicle, your freelancer’s Starbucks table, your library cubby hole (also a euphemism for VAGINA).
Finally - the mystery of where those milk teeth disappear to is solved (and with it, the origins of the possibly mythological disease ‘VAGINA dentata').
Then there was the viral video, ‘Republicans, Get in my VAGINA.’ VAGINAS are back, and they mean business. His first big breakthrough came when he discovered Cressida Cowell’s gloriously funny How to Train Your Dragon sagas. Story‑telling is crucial, so why not take a leaf out of Philip Pullman’s book, and, as he did with his own sons, tell your children stories from The Odyssey? Talk about the plots and characters in films they enjoy, read them poetry aloud, make up shaggy‑dog tales on long car journeys and please, never, ever push children into reading books that are too advanced for them. Anthony Horowitz, Malorie Blackman, Chris Priestly, Jon Mayhew, Helen Grant and Darren Shan all write sizzling tales devoured by teen readers.
If they want unhappy families, try historical romances by Mary Hooper, the hard-edged Kevin Brooks or even Great Expectations. The excellent Barrington Stoke imprint gets distinguished authors like Melvin Burgess and Bali Rai to write gripping, unpatronising tales that are designed for those with dyslexia.
If you can get them into, say, King Solomon’s Mines, A Study in Scarlet or Jane Eyre, and then stop at a crucial moment, you will have them desperate to carry on reading.



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