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But, even with all this, Baby could have been an outside-the-box classic if the movie were actually any good. It is strange that Norton went on to direct episodes for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, because based on Baby I would say Norton has no grasp of the fantastical. I mentioned when talking about The Land Before Time that I think there is a difference between being cute and being cutesy.
The movie does feature an African tribesman finding a machine gun, and despite never having handled a gun before, he immediately turns into a killing machine, winning numerous face-offs with trained soldiers. I’ve thought about the bizarre Jim Henson Studios Honeymooners sitcom riff, Dinosaurs.
That is not a great name for a dinosaur movie, which is probably why they tacked on the Secret of the Lost Legend.
And not in a Lynchian way or anything particularly exciting like that, but rather in a head-scratching why’d-they-make-it-like-this way.
Originally published as e-novellas, now, for the first time ever, they are together in one print volume.You already know the truth about the Garde and the Mogadorian invasion, yet there is still so much to learn. And by the end of the book, you will be able to decipher the riddle which appears on the map.
As the cynical, crushing weight of adulthood often sends us nostalgically yearning to revisit the things we once held dear, we tend to find that those special things are not quite how we left them. So the two stars of the film are golden boy William Katt and personality disorder poster child Sean Young. The level of sexy times here (Young almost topless) is not very kid friendly, but the running gag of Baby interrupting them is so cutesy stupid that only children could conceivably find it funny.
You would assume that a movie about dinosaurs would get better once the creatures show up, but now, decades later, the pre-dinosaur stuff was actually my favorite aspect of the film.
McGoohan in particular is unsinkable, giving a fucking great and typically steely-eyed performance; I really liked his interactions with his effeminate worry-wart assistant.

The stories in Secret Histories will help you get the answers you seek, but they will not help you stop the coming war. Like a favorite climbing tree’s branches that we once had to leap for, now boringly coming up waist-high, the films we adored as children and tweens typically do not measure up the same now. The story is such: Sean Young is a noob paleontologist working in the jungles of war-torn Africa under the tutelage of the always amazing Patrick McGoohan.
The dinosaur FX are actually pretty great at times, and it took me a moment to figure out how they were pulling it off (puppets on miniature sets for the adults, no stop motion), but every scene featuring the prehistoric beasties is a lifeless chore. The first time Katt and Young encounter a dinosaur they are once again trying to fuck when they hear strange noises in the jungle and think they feel an earthquake. Yet now and then they miraculously hold up, or even prove to have hidden subtext we never realized.
But these are all things I’ve come into contact with again since those fuzzy-memory days of yore.
Most of all though I see the VHS cover for the movie (above) which drew me to the film as a lad. The film opens with McGoohan chasing a man through a parade in a crowded city street, eventually catching and killing the chump. Then a dinosaur comes by and knocks over their tent and they see its backside disappearing into the trees. The reason for this murder we can infer is because McGoohan wanted the folder of photographs the guy had, in particular an out-of-focus shot of what looks like a Brontosaurus (or as scientists want us to call it, an Apatosaurus). And McGoohan murders another guy later on (actually one of the movie’s cooler scenes). This sounds like a standard, suspenseful moment, but it plays like Jurassic Park dumbed down 100 times. Might as well have gone for broke and called it Baby: Secret Forgotten Mystery of the Fabled Lost Legendary Legend.

Katt and Young are all set to return to America, where Katt has just been assigned the sport’s desk for a newspaper, when the Red Cross shows up trying to figure out what sort of animal a group of villagers ate, as they are now all sick and dying. A paleontologist seems unlikely to be of any help but Young becomes intrigued when the Red Cross presents her with a bone that matches that of a bone she had just dug up and believed belonged to a Brontosaurus (though McGoohan lied to her and said it was a giraffe vertebra).
There are lots of scenes of Baby frolicking innocently in the jungle, playing with butterflies, etc, and a silly scene of Katt trying to put a tracking device on it while they are swimming.
If I close my eyes and try to envision the actors who play the couple, my brain feeds me Jeff Bridges and Linda Hamilton, which I know isn’t right.
Long story short, Katt and Young find a mama, papa, and baby Brontosaurus living in the jungle.
While the Baby practical FX are quite good, the thing is kinda creepy looking too, with off-putting squinty yellow eyes. That’s just a weird mash-up of the couples from King Kong (1976) and King Kong Lives.
Eventually McGoohan shows up, captures mama, kills papa, and begins looking for baby, while Katt and Young try to protect the little fella. Worst of all, though, the movie deals very intimately with Africans too, both tribesmen living in the jungle and machine gun toting military lunatics.
I mainly remember being irritated with how long it takes until we finally see the dinosaurs in the film.
After giving the dinosaurs food once they are totes besties with the Brontosaurus family, now and forever.

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