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When I was younger, I read Cosmopolitan like it was the slutty bible, deciphering it’s sex tips as though they contained the secrets of the universe. So, I present to you this month’s Cosmo Tips to Skip, a satire of all the eyebow-raising, cringe-worthy, and laughable highlights that you should never attempt with your hookup, or anyone, ever. Tie two or three knots in a nylon stocking, and gently wrap it (don’t tie it) around the base of his penis so it’s snug but still has some give.
Skip It: I’m sorry, Cosmo, but I’m literally calling you out on the total ineptitude and ignorance of your writers. Skip It: This is a technique that high school studs try out on the first few girls they go down on before someone tells them to knock it off. Skip It: I know a lot of people love shower sex, but for me, it’s almost always a disaster.
Kiss and lick your way down his torso, stopping short of his penis, then give him a smile and work your way back up. Skip It: Or, repeat several times until he starts forcibly pushing your head back down to his cock. Build momentum by keying in to an ocean legend that the seventh in a series of sea waves is the strongest. When out at a party, lean your back against him so it looks like you’re just affectionately resting your body. Skip It: Meanwhile, receive dirty glares from everyone at the party, because you’re in someone’s a house, not the club, and it’s very clear what you’re doing. Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body.


No matter how hot Cosmo’s writers boast their tips to be, they serve as a firm reminder that we shouldn’t believe everything we read, even if it’s written by so-called “experts”. I agree with a lot of this, it’s so silly – but if the taint is clean and fresh, then why not?
Now, I can only mindlessly flip through while getting pedicures, tanning, getting high on my futon, or otherwise avoiding reality. My subscription to Cosmo got “lost in the mail” (aka: I never paid the bill), so I’ve compiled the tips from their “75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves” feature, proclaimed as the “VERY Best of Cosmo’s Sex Positions”.
Anyone who’s even done a bit of light bondage play knows that nylon stockings are INCREDIBLY dangerous to use as ties – and can even get dangerous as wraps if things get tangled during sex. Bring one leg out to the side, and bend it so that the inside of your leg is against the bed. We are talking about fucking, not surfing, or sailing, or whatever the fuck else goes on in the ocean. Then hold it between your teeth and glide it down his neck, around his nipples, and over his lips. All his dead skin flakes latching on to a tiny wet grape that will then be placed in his mouth.
There’s almost nothing a man finds less appealing than fishy odors coming off your body and wafting around the room. I haven’t given up on you, Cosmo… I just think it’s time hire some new writers that can better reach your audience and really know how to bring heat to the bedroom.
We entertain, educate, and empower women to feel confident, take control and discuss their sex lives openly.


I probably would have been nodding along at 15 but I’m no longer naive and need actual tips.
Cosmo promotes an oversimplification of women that focuses on achieving perfection and sex goddess status (but only for male pleasure). Nylon stockings can pull very tight, making knots that are nearly impossible to untie or cut with scissors. I have to all kinds of exclusive content including 100's of hardcore galleries, naughty home video's, and access to all of Nina's Girlfriends! As soon as I became sexually active, I realized that the advice in Cosmo not only enforces stereotypes, but is outdated, horribly misguided, or downright weird.
Now, I only have two reactions when reading through: “Been there, done that.” or “Who the fuck does that?! Cosmo should literally put a Surgeon General’s warning on their magazine for including this tip. I don’t even want to go near my own taint… so why would I ever lick someone’s else’s taint… for THEIR pleasure?!?



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Comments

  • NikoTini, 23.04.2016 at 16:28:30

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