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Most people have some narcissistic traits and it is normal to have exhibited narcissistic behaviour at some point in their life. I am aware that this person at some point seemed like the love of your life and the temptation is to try and help this person change their narcissistic behaviour and recover.
In this article I am going to show you how you can use the most powerful tool in your arsenal – boundaries – to find out if this person is capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their actions without risking another experience that could cost you your soul, mental well-being and even life.
There is nothing worse than being set upon maliciously by someone you believed you could trust, someone you love, and someone you thought loved you and had your best interests at heart.
I promise you, it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behaviour, have had their near death experience (wake up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy and addressed their inner toxic issues causing their narcissistic behaviour, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive and loving partners – and even spectacular ones. It’s not the norm, but it can happen – if this person has the resources and does not have NPD.
There is a huge difference between a person who has acted badly, takes full responsibility, and does everything in their power to heal, and another who stays stuck in non-accountability, projection and poor behaviour. The truth of the matter is, if this person does have the resources to heal and re-create themselves as a stable partner with integrity for you – a lot of this shift has to be created by you.
Therefore, don’t wait around, research articles and obsess about whether or not your narcissistic partner is or isn’t capable of healing and amending their ways.
Before I do that, I would like to share my opinion regarding the people who truly I feel there is little or no hope for ….
If your narcissistic partner or ex-partner fits into any of these categories, I believe the chances are incredibly slim of reform, and I would suggest moving on and keep moving on. And quite frankly their partners after losing trust and having their hearts smashed should know that it is only with these types of actions that you can be safe to trust this person again. These traits (all of them are necessary), are the only way you will know that your partner in fact does not have NPD. Narcissists love “hoovering” (sucking you back in to the relationship in order to get narcissistic supply); in fact, it is one of their most practiced and perfected games. You see it is an enormous insult to a narcissist for a previous partner to move on and create a life without them ….
Anyone who is acting narcissistically is playing out lack of accountability and is projecting their stuff on to you.
Decent people (who can include people with unhealed parts who have acted badly), who accept that their behaviour is defective, and that their life is not working for themself and others, want to fix their issues.
People who have hurt you are never safe unless they can provide genuine accountability and remorse. If you have been abused it is time to be “entitled.” You are learning that, in order to create your reality of deserving truth, integrity, love and support, you have to be it and live it. Or, do you very soon notice that as soon as you don’t comply and give the narcissist what he or she wants, that the demands, aggression, projections, blame throwing “poor me” and guilt trips start again.
As soon as you notice the narcissistic traits again, pull away, go back to no contact and hold your powerful personal boundaries. The truth is you will never know the answer to that question until it does or doesn’t happen. Certainly you never will create a healthy, safe love reality by accepting someone in your life who is abusing you without them performing the above necessary criteria. Ifyour situation is not about the possibility of getting back together with a narcissist, but more about presently being with a narcissist who you wish could change – leave him or her, set the parameters and find out of this person is real, if the love is real, or whether it was a NPD relationship.
Be very, very clear that you deserve nothing less than real love and truth and hence why the boundaries I have described are crucial, absolute and completely necessary.

People who reunite with narcissists without establishing and sticking to boundaries, always run a large risk of stepping back into even worse abuse than they originally walked away from ….
Know that if you do accept abusers in your life without them proving their integrity and safety you are abusing yourself. Sign up below to join my Community of over 50,000 people, and receive weekly information, inspiration and tools to get your life back on track.
We all paid a big cost and the fallout continues with my adult children.(Particularly for one of them). February 5, 2013 I am swollen with grief pain and sadness and do not know if i will ever heal but am hopeful. March 28, 2013 Rachel, after reading your post, I feel tears welling up in my eyes because I know how you feel.
March 15, 2012 Just chiming in my support and agreement with Melanie, who seems to be always exactly on target. June 1, 2013 Lori, I felt a lot like you in that I felt I would have to surrender my nature forevermore to avoid being abused again. November 23, 2013 Suzanne thank you for your reply to Lori, my story is much the same as hers, and I truly don’t want to give up my innate tendency to see the good in all people and basic belief that I can trust that they are good. September 12, 2015 Your are so right they are they are pure poison and absolutely evil. Now I shall follow my emotion and common sense and find myself a nice and safe place to live! Anyhow, despite the begging, apolgising, grovelling and countless promises to make things right etc, that went on after the big reveal, I still felt something was not quite right.
October 28, 2012 Hi Linda – i was so sorry to read your short message but wanted to urge you to leave as soon as you can if not sooner.
What im trying to say is that if you stay you will probably end up with nothing anyway and leaving now while you still have some strength to fight him you will almost surely end up with a LOT more than you will if you stay for another couple of years – financially, emotionally and physically. March 17, 2012 For 45 years I struggled in my marriage and was convinced I was the one who had the problem.
Giving a name to my, soon to be ex’s, issues have brought me and inner peace and acceptance. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. It’s actually not important whether someone has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or whether they don’t, or are displaying enough narcissistic traits to make your life painful or unbearable. However, there is a big difference between normal people who are capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their behaviour and those with NPD who are incapable of this.
The problem is that some people take the N’s word immediately only to be set up for another soul destroying experience.
I promise you there are individuals who have treated their partners abusively who have risen from their narcissistic actions to become the men and women I am describing above. Also nothing less than full accountability, real boundaries and compliance with these boundaries is going to ensure the narcissistic behaviour does not happen again. The intent behind the “I love you, I can’t live without you” is not the accountability to transform into a loving, safe, healthy partner – the intent is to get you back into the narcissistic malicious web.
If this person genuinely loves you and wants to make amends, they have to prove they can be trusted.
Without being held accountable by therapists and working diligently on their unhealed parts with full disclosure to you regarding their therapy and prognosis, this person is not serious about healing and not committed to granting you safety and trust.

Do they state things like “I know I may have lost you through my actions, and I have to accept that” and “If you feel that you will be happier moving on rather than trying with us again – I promise I want more than anything for you to be happy, as much as it hurts” and “I don’t blame you for dating that guy, I know it was because of my actions that you did that” and “If you have any unresolved pain or problems please talk to me. Seek out people and a life that is in alignment to truth, integrity, love and support, and accept NO LESS. My wife got her PHD and started a large business and then told me that I was beneath her and all her aspirations. I did make an amends for the anger I felt when she broke it off, trust me it was for me not her. My Narc is on every onkine dating site there is… Gut wrenching break up but dumping that pathilogical lying promiscuous woman was the high point in my quest to heal. Of course I attracted such a dismatch when I just had managed at leat physically world speaking breaking loose from my previous less positive relations to start focusing on myself and be free of that type behavior around me.
Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide. What is important is that you are aligned with and living the life that you wish to live, and creating that truth by holding powerfully to that truth – no matter how hard that may be to do …. In such cases it is nothing to do with “love;” it is all about feeding the narcissist’s insatiable ego. They need to crack open with pain in order to be addressed and healed, otherwise the show of “love” and “remorse” will only be a band-aid that will not hold.
If you can’t express your hurt and pain of what happened to you to this person without them staying in full support and empathy – you are not experiencing the real deal.
Believe me it’s crucial to observe this very closely after being abused if considering taking this person back. When he met me, I believed I was the love of his life – he still writes that on my gift cards. I knew then I had made a huge mistake and it took another year to make him leave through the courts and in the meantime the abuse became horrific–much worse that previously.
Then I read this post and knew that it was just the information I needed to never have contact again.
He acts like I should be grateful he’s treated me like he should for the past year and I should forget everything from before. I have ME which id controlled for the 12 years before i met him to such an extent that no one would have known – i relapsed chronically 2 years ago due to stress caused by him and have been in recovery for the last year and since hes gone that has speeded up noticceably even in just 2 weeks. He owes me 23 thousand pounds which i am going to fight for but with very little chance of getting back.
I also work with him so that is an extra challenge when I have to focus on someone at work and their issues. I’m blown away by the support from the step children that are now adults, which I helped raise. I’m going to do my best to make sure she pays when she meets that sugar daddy and uses all his energy to become even bigger and making more money.

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