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Tell me how to win your heart, for I haven't got a clue, but let me start by saying, I love you. We do not know each other personally, but I am more affected than I should be by the relationship problems of others.
Though I have no idea who you are, my stomach was in knots and my head began to throb with pain.
In the moments I was able to climb out of the trappings of my own thoughts, I would lock eyes with Tony and say, “Not us, right?
I’m still learning what it takes to be a good friend in these devastating situations. Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on how emotional cheating corresponds to physical cheating, actually. Again, you have your right to speak your opinion, and I choose to respect all opinions, whether they are in agreement of mine or not. Michelle, reading your comment, I understand where you are coming from but I also agree with Christa & Teresa.
I would agree that, as you share your heart, it is so important to chose your words very carefully. Every marriage consists of two flawed people that need grace, redemption, and understanding to battle through all of the obstacles that inevitably come with marriage. It is one thing to suggest that each person in a marriage is equally responsible for carrying their weight and working hard to do their part. There is (1) creating a situation for something to take place, and then (2) there is the something. First off, I am not here to defend Michelle… she’s a big girl and doesn’t need anyone to do that. I think Michelle said, “I am not saying that your husband who strayed is not at fault.
You can believe what you want to, and continue to play the completely innocent victim role all you want…but until you learn to accept your part in this situation, it will continue to occur again and again. As a person who’s made the enormous mistake of straying, I can say with confidence that the deficiencies in my own character were the *cause* of my affair. Before my husband’s affair, I was not doing and being everything I should have been as a wife. I contributed to an unhealthy marriage situation by holding super high expectations of us as a couple, and my husband felt he could never meet them. The story has a joyful turn of healing, redemption and a new marriage with a wonderful man I respect the socks off of.
Being married to someone gives you a profoundly influential role in affecting their environment. People who are sex addicts make poor decisions whether they are in a happy or unhappy environment.
Your response is just perfect.Yes the anger is there for me very much so and it is not a black and white situation and certainly not my fault which has taken me and is still taking me time to fully accept.
As the betrayed spouse, I know first hand that after the after is discovered or revealed, Satan then begins to work on betrayed spouse.
I woke up again this morning, thinking about this post a little more in relation to the other posts I have read on your blog. Literally, the only good thing about this blog post is reading the supportive comments of fellow victims and Carl, whom I appreciate very much. Blaming the victim of an affair retraumtizes the victim like any other abuse (child abuse, rape, victim of spousal abuse-which cheating is, etc).
I got an email this week from you, a woman I don’t know, sharing with me that you recently found out your husband has been unfaithful. It was supposed to be a family day, but my mind was too full with thoughts and questions and frustrations to engage with my husband and kids.
I’ve had the opportunity countless times to be a listening ear to the one who was betrayed. If not for the sake of your own marriage, please, for the sake of mine, let’s continue to build a community of faithfulness and #staymarried. I am absolutely responsible for how bad our marriage was, which led to both of us feeling horribly miserable and lost as to how dig our way out. What he did was horrible, I didn’t mean to suggest it was your fault and I am so sorry my words felt that way to you. Cheating is atrocious & I feel the exact same pain you described every time I hear a story about it! Yours is not, and I respect yours, which is why I was not harsh in my comment leaving my own. Having survived an affair that my husband took part in, I know all to well what it means to be the victim of adultery. Victims of adultery have enough of a mental battle to fight without people insinuating that they are somehow to blame for the situation they find themselves in.
But it is ludicrous to suggest that an affair happens because the perpetrator isn’t being fulfilled or satisfied by their partner. Playing the victim may help you sleep at night, but it doesn’t prevent you from becoming the victim again. And your opinion is one that perpetuates a cycle of men cheating on their spouses and feeling like its ok because their wife wasn’t good enough. I actually agree with most of what was said but I don’t think you go through a situation such as what this woman is going through and NOT question what part you played in where the marriage got off track. I love that you don’t sugarcoat the hardships of marriage and that you address tough subjects.
I begged and pleaded for the truth, but even in the face of concrete evidence of infidelity, my spouse denied the truth. I reasoned that my spouse was working hard and I was 9 months pregnant, so my spouse must feel stress anxiety. I love your blog because you encourage the best In individuals who are in marriage relationships. Your lines of questioning are not questions, they are judgements and therefore not edifying.
And believe me, it’s a shameful to be the noncheating spouse as it is to be the one who got to have fun cheating. When did you decide that friendship with the one you married was no longer worth the effort? Clearly he is and his actions cause pain that is devastating to you and everyone around him. But, if YOU are the one thinking of cheating, if there is someone outside of your marriage that you’re flirting with and daydreaming about, STOP IT!
But, you don’t go from being happily married and loving your spouse to cheating on them all in the same day. Every decision from secret keeping to confiding in someone outside of your marriage is a chance to see that you’re heading in the direction you really don’t want to go.
If you are not thinking of cheating, chances are pretty good that you know someone who is or someone who has been cheated on.
But my husband made the choice to cheat, and I am in no way to blame for his choice and resent being told otherwise. I have Satan whispering those lies in my head all the time and to read them in print makes them that much harder to fight off. A man can be swayed by marital issues, financial frustrations, upbringing, porn addiction, and so many other factors. Why worry about peripheral issues when most marriages don’t make it past that initial phase? I think that a wife is totally responsible for her role in the marriage and needs to do her part to ensure her marriage is healthy.
Ultimately though, if you want a different result in your life, it’s up to YOU to stop doing the same things that got you the old results.


Anybody can write a blog I suppose, but i do think it comes with some reaponsibilty i guess. I sat through two marital therapy sessions with two different therapists trying to figure out why while he sat quietly knowing the entire time that he had another life.
You are hurting and searching for relief from your pain, someone to confide in, someone who might be able to comfort. But, in my heart I wonder how long you may have allowed yourself to be disconnected from your spouse before the affair took place. I promise you, the thrill you may experience with someone new will quickly be replaced with stress and shame as you work to hide what you’re doing. I follow your blog, and many others that provide positive inspiration for a healthy and happy marriage; as my husband and I work to re-build our marriage from the ground up.
When I am devastated, my thoughts and words get darker and darker, that’s the reality of who I am.
You have a right to your opinions and as you said, you had a feeling your opinion on this topic would not gain you more friends. Where adultery is concerned, the perpetrator is *always* 100% to blame for committing that heinous act. But, in my observation of talking with countless fallen men, the greatest faults lie in the man himself. Why bother to place some small portions of blame elsewhere when most men can’t overcome their flesh, baggage, and pride in the first place?
Most people here have read or seen our story, and through the counseling we went through, there was never any way that my counselor, nor Katie’s, would have asked her to question her role in my actions during the darkest hours. I appreciate that you acknowledge not being an expert or a professional or having experienced this. I need to hear the words because, after reading your email, the confidence I usually have in our marriage is being shaken.
Did you marry a person who was trustworthy in the first place, or someone you hoped would somehow become trustworthy? When someone has made the mistake of straying from their marriage, I want them to know what it feels like to experience grace and forgiveness and not allow such a mistake to define the rest of their lives. When your leg is hurting, do you ignore it and let it get worse or do you do something about it? While it takes two to enter into marriage I have learned first-hand that it takes only one to end it. But I do wish that like your other posts, you would have referred to some experts in the topic (Shirley glass?
What crushes me, however, is not that you have been the victim of the worst kind of betrayal, but that people in your situation often believe you are completely blameless.
30% of divorced women say that they knew their marriage was doomed the day they walked down the aisle!
If you have kids, they will find out what you have done and will struggle for the rest of their lives not only to trust you, but to trust in love and relationships at all.
How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal that there’s a series of events that can often be identified before the cheating actually occurs. When someone confesses to me that the person they’ve been seeing is actually married to someone else, I’m crushed and angry. I struggle to remember that I was not the one betrayed because the pain feels so real to me. It just means that, in the specific situation at hand, the one that committed the sin is the only one at fault for having the affair. If you are not on the level with your spouse such that you know when they are hurting, then you shouldn’t have married them. The woman who chose to cheat with the spouse needs to be loved, as hard as that is to understand to many of us christian’s especially those that can identify with the betrayed spouse.
You have grossly underestimated Satan’s ability to undermine, tempt, and steal the heart of a spouse away from their partner. He takes the time to reassure me and not make me feel like I am being ridiculous – which I clearly am. The ripple effect of acting on a flirtation could be felt for generations, even if you and your spouse are able to recover and stay together.
Still, even then, I want them to know they are loved and that I understand how these terrible decisions can be so easily made. If the cheatER bothered to do that, to care enough to dig and find a way with their spouse, they probably would’ve either 1. If you ignore a part of your body that is hurting, you cannot expect the rest of the body to not be negatively impacted.
How devastated I was to learn this and know that it would have remained hidden had I never found out. Sadly, though, you will likely receive compassion from your community and your husband will surely be shunned. Have we glorified the wedding day so much that we aren’t giving men and women room to admit they’ve made a mistake in whom they chose before they actually commit the rest of their lives? Still, I aim to surround myself with friends who value their own marriage and who will encourage me to value mine.
I believe this woman’s anger and hurt is justified, she needs to embrace it in order to move forward.
I believe this post was well intended but should have been a private response to the woman. There is never an excuse for cheating, and that includes the cheatee doing anything to contribute. I hope this woman takes the good, throws out the misdirected comments, and focuses her efforts on those that have her best interests at heart and repairing her marriage. Affairs are a symptom of something terribly wrong inside of the person that is having the affair. If your spouse, being one with you, makes the decision to cheat, then that means that you made the decision to cheat.
I could not walk away and instead and making the best of having a 2 year old in my life that I didn’t give birth too.
Otherwise you will miss most of your life.The past is already gone, the future is not yet here.
His mother knew she was sleeping with a married man just like my husband knew what he was doing. Not them finding the solutions and fixing them and then trying to move on, repair things and help their spouse heal.
She died in childbirth and her son who was given the name of Siddhartha was brought up by his aunt and step-mother, Prajapati Gautami. After the name of the Sakya tribe to which his father belonged he was also called Sakya-Sinha, or lion amongst the Sakyas, and later on, Sakya-Muni or sage amongst the Sakyas.
For one year he studied Indian philosophy, but it gave him no solution.Then for the next five years he practised severe austerities hoping thereby to find the way to salvation. His yogic practices may have included hatha yoga, yogasanas, kriya yoga and other processes to raise the kundalini. The samana tradition is an ancient yogic tradition that also included Mahavir Jain, the founder of Jainism. Then one day as he sat immersed in deep meditation under the famous Bodhi tree of modern Bodh Gaya on the bank of the Niranjana, enlightenment came to him and he realised the truth.
Henceforth he came to be known as the Buddha or the Enlightened and decided to spend the rest of his life in preaching the truth as he saw it.
He died at the age of eighty at Kusinagara which has been identified by many archaeologists with Kasia in the Gorakhpur district.
The date of his Parinirvana or decease, like the date of his birth, has not yet been decided with accuracy, though it is admitted by all that he was contemporary with kings Bimbisara and Ajatasatru of Magadha and died in the reign of the latter. Thirdly, he was the first founder of a religion who organised a brotherhood of monks and started evangelization in an organised manner by peaceful means alone carrying the message of equality, peace, mercy. Lastly, he put reason above everything and exhorted his followers to accept nothing as true unless it stood the test of reasoning.


These are the versions that are associated with the Dalai Lama, mandalas and other such types.
But these misunderstandings (tantra yoga itself has nothing to do with sexuality) are only recent. Buddhism the religion founded by Gautama Buddha in the latter half of the sixth century BC.
It started with the basic principles of rebirth and karma which were then accepted by Indian philosophers as truths which required no proof. The karma doctrine means that the merits and demerits of a being in his past existences determine his condition in the present life. The doctrine of rebirth implies that at death the body perishes, but the soul which is immortal, takes new births until it attains salvation.
But according to the Buddhist view the connecting link between a fiJrmer existence and a later one is not to be fimnd in the soul, the existence and immortality of which are assumed by Hindu philosophers but denied by Buddhism. Buddhism holds that the suffering inseparably connected with existence is mainly due to desire, to a craving thirst for satisfying the senses. Therefore the extinction of desire will lead to the cessation of existence by rebirth and of consequent suffering. Desire can be extinguished if one followed the Noble Eightfold Path which consists of the following: ( l) right views or beliefs meaning simply a knowledge of the Four Noble Truths and of the doctrine of rebirth and karma implied in them. Buddhism repudiates the authority of the Vedas, denies the spiritual efficacy of Vedic rites and sacrifices, denies the efficacy of prayers and practically ignores the existence of a Supreme Being or God. It holds that the acceptance of the Four Noble Truths and the pursuit of the Noble Eightfold Path which is open to all, irrespective of caste and sex, laymen as well as monks and nuns, will lead to the extinction of desire and this will lead to Nirvana which it is possible to attain even in this life and will free a person from the curse of re-birth.
It holds that it is easier for a monk living a secluded life to attain Nirvana but it is also open to lay Buddhists to attain the same. The Buddhist monks are not priests and they can pray neither for themselves nor for others who may wish to employ them. They arc an intellectual aristocracy like the Brahmans and are to be maintained by pious Buddhists.
Buddhism requires no church or temple, but it recognises congregational discourses where the teachings of Gautama Buddha are recited and explained. The founder of Buddhism, Gautama Buddha, himself is to be recognised as a supremely wise person who has known the truth, but not as God to whom prayers can be addressed.It was spread by Gautama Buddha during his lifetime in the Gangetic valley of Uttara Pradesha and of Bihar.
About 250 years after the decease of Gautama Buddha Emperor Asoka embraced the religion, sent Buddhist missionaries throughout India as well as to many countries outside India and thus started Buddhism on its victorious career which gradually turned it into a world religion. The First Council met at Rajagriha (modern Rajgir) in Bihar soon after the death of Gautama Buddha. It was attended by the Buddhist elders (Theras) and was presided over by one of Buddha’s prominent Brahman disciples, named Mahakassapa.
As Buddha had left none of his teachings in writing so at this Council three of his disciples, Kasyapa, the most learned, Upali, the oldest and Ananda, the most favoured of Buddha’s disciples, recited his teachings which were at first learnt orally and transmitted by teachers to disciples and were much later on put down in writing. A century later a Second Council of the Buddhist elders met at Vaisali to settle a dispute that had arisen by that time amongst the Buddhist monks on certain questions of discipline. The Council decided in favour of rigid discipline and revised the Buddhist scriptures which were still unwritten.
A Third Council met, according to tradition, 236 years after the death of Buddha, under the patronage of King Asoka Maurya. It was presided over by monk Tissa Moggaliputta, the author of the Kathavattu, a sacred Buddhist text. This Council is believed to have drawn up the Buddhist canon in the final form of the Tripitaka or the Three Baskets, and gave its decisions on all disputed points. If the Sarnath Pillar Edict of Asoka is correctly believed to have been issued after the session of this Third Council it can be rightly held that its decisions were not accepted by so many Buddhist monks and nuns that King Asoka found it necessary to threaten the schismatics with dire punishment. The Fourth and last Council of the Buddhist elders met during the reign of Kanishka, the Kushana king (c. It drew up authentic commentaries on the canon and these were engraved on copper-plates which were encased in a stone-coffer and kept for safety in the Kundalavana monastery. These have not yet been found.Buddhist scriptures-have all grown after the death of Gautama Buddha who left nothing in writing. The scriptures known as the Tripitaka are believed to have been first recited by Ananda, Upali and Kasyapa, three close disciples of Gautama Buddha, at the session of the First Council of the Buddhist elders which met at Rajagriha soon after Buddha’s death.
For many centu-ries these were learnt orally, being transmitted by teachers to their disciples and it was not till 80 B.C.
The Sutta contains stories and parables related by Buddha during his preaching tours; the Vitzaya lays down the laws and rules of discipline and the Abkidhamma contains the doctrines and metaphysical views of Buddhism. The Sutta is subdivided into five Nikayas of varying length, one of which contains the Dhammapada, Thera and Tkerigathas and the]atakas; the Vinaya has three sub-divisions, while the Abhidhamma has seven sub-divisions of which the celebrated Dhammasangini is the first.
The scriptures of the Hinayana are written in Pali while those of the Mahayana in Sanskrit.Consequently the Hinayana is often known as the Pali school and the Mahayana as the Sanskrit school of Buddhism. Again, the Hinayana prevails mainly in Sri Lanka and Burma and is consequently often called the Southern Buddhism while the Mahayana which mainly prevails in Nepal, China, Tibet, Mongolia, Korea and Japan is called the Northern Buddhism. As all Buddhist canonical literature wherever it might have extended, arose in northern India and the two schools possess traces of mutual influence so the division of the Buddhist Church into Northern and Southern Schools is more or less unjustified.
As the two schools represent only different aspects of the same religious system so the use of terms lower and higher is not also justifiable. Indeed many prefer to call the Hinayana as Theravada, that is to say, the opinion of the Theras or older monks. Mahayanism was not a sudden development; it developed slowly and gradually in the course of some centuries.
120), though Nagarjuna who was a contemporary and protege of Kanishka exposed in his Karika the hollowness of the Hinayana thought.
It was, therefore, between the second and the fourth centuries of the Christian era that Mahayanism fully developed in India. It was also during this period that many non-Indians were converted to Buddhism.This circumstance has led to the theory that Mahayanism was developed in order to meet their requirements.
There are, however, reasons for holding that Mahayanism grew up in order to meet the religious and philosophical needs of the Indian Buddhists themselves though in later times it grew more popular outside India. According to the Hinayana Gautama is the Buddha, the sole Buddha, who now reposes in Nirvana, the absence of desire and striving, having left to mankind a simple rule by which the? This creed knows no prayers, invocations or offerings and worships no images, for Buddha is not God, but a man who has attained perfection and thrown off the karma which dooms mankind to successive existences in the world of pain and sorrow. Each is to work for himself and attain Nirvana by overcoming all thirst or attachment by living a good life as indicated by the Noble Eightfold Path. According to the Mahayana, Gautama is merely one re-incarnation in a vast series of Buddhas stretching from an illimitable past into an equally infinite future. Not only in this world but in other worlds numerous as the sands of the Ganges, Buddhas have lived and preached at intervals separated by myriads of years from a time past human calculation.
Ultimately in China Amida or Amitabha Buddha, a personage unknown to early Buddhist scriptures, became the object of almost exclusive devotion and his pure paradise, called the Western Heaven, the goal to which the pious should aspire.
The Mahayana holds that the ultimate aim of the life of a Buddhist is not the attainment of individual liberation. A person who acquires enlightenment should not remain satisfied with his own Nirvana, but should work for the good of his fellowmen. Thus Buddhas and Bodhisattvas came to be worshiped and their images were made and installed in temples where these were worshiped with various rituals and incantations. Every incident of Buddha’s life as well as of his previous births familiarised by the Jataka stories and by later biographical sketches like the Lalitavistara came to be depicted in Buddhist sculptures.
Using Sanskrit in its rituals and scriptures and worshiping images of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas Mahayanism tended to shorten the breach that separated Buddhism from Hinduism within the wide folds of which it was ultimately assimilated. In spite of the differences that exist between the Hinayana and the Mahayana there are not two Buddhisms.



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