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04.06.2015
I’d like to let you know about a special opportunity with my dharma friend Tara Brach who is one of the more authentic and beloved mindfulness teachers teaching today. She is offering a six-week online course through NICABM that will guide you through how to be mindful when it matters the most. Throughout this innovative program, Tara will share with you the wisdom that so many have benefited from. At a recent workshop at the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, I coined a new phrase: equanimity equity (EE). I was recently interviewed by Brianna Steinhilber of EverUp for a piece on dealing with rejection. Click Sign Up above to start receiving our newsletters, updates and special offers from Beliefnet right away. Solitary But Not Lonely: Empowering Going Within in an Extroverted Culture at the Barre Center for Buddhist Studies, February 20-22, 2015.
Mindfulness A–Z: Liberating Regret, Stuckness, and Perfectionism at the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, March 1-6, 2015. The Awakened Introvert: Mindfulness Skills for Thriving in an Extroverted World at the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, August 30-September 4 2015. In today’s world, people text while they drive, use the computer while watching television, and pay bills while helping the kids with their homework.
Being able to be present with your partner can make a big difference in your emotional connection. The intention is to help participants feel more resourced, whole and protected, both within themselves and when with others. This course is appropriate for people interested in training to be Core Process Psychotherapists, existing therapists, mindfulness and complementary health practitioners looking to learn new skills. I really like living here in Scottsdale, and practicing and helping all the couples develop that close, connected relationship that all of us really desire. Ariel has graciously agreed to come on the podcast, and just so all of you know, she is also someone who, through the course of life and events, has decided to also work at The Couples Expert. So, Ariel, I really want to welcome you here to The Couples Expert and thank you for joining me today.
Stuart: You know, one of the things I like to ask couples or people that come on my show, and I want to make it the same with you, is talk a little bit about what made you decide to go into this crazy field of couples and counseling, and a little bit about your path as a counselor. Ariel: Well, ever since I was really young, I enjoyed the process of kind of watching relationships and seeing how they develop, and seeing how the mind works and how people relate to each other, and I think, the insight. Stuart: So you’re saying that as a kid, even, you were a mediator, or helping your parents sort of get together and not fight so much? Stuart: And through the course of your sort of growing up, and also as an adult now, what are some of the things that you feel like you’ve learned about relationships and the importance of being in a connected relationship, and how it sort of helps an individual? Ariel: Well, I recognized that through my own kind of personality, which I think that, you know, we each can kind of look at ourselves and say, “You know, I like to feel really close to somebody,” or, “I’m a connected person,” and I think, overall, that’s pretty much all of us.
And so, unfortunately, I had to learn through my own personal life that I chose partners that tended to not share in the desire to be as close, maybe only because they, themselves, may have been anxious or fearful, which is often a lot of the characteristics of the people that I work with. Stuart: And I think one of the things that we learn with Emotionally Focused Therapy is that no relationship has a challenge that can’t be overcome when two people are working together. Stuart: And I think what I say to a lot of my clients is that the loneliness of being alone is nothing compared to the loneliness of being in a relationship feeling alone. Stuart: And I think one of the things with Emotionally Focused Therapy, and in the couples work that we do here at The Couples Expert, is really identifying the attachment needs that you have, and that all of us have different things that bring us to the table, our life experiences, and to be able to sit down with your partner and to talk about, what are your needs – Is it a need to feel secure?
And I think, sometimes, sitting down with a partner that you’re married to, and trying to sort of pull that apart and figuring out, what do each of you need to feel loved, and if the needs are too different, if you’re not going to be able to meet each other at a primal place, not a secondary emotion but a primary emotion, and if your partner wants one thing and you want another, going your separate ways doesn’t mean you failed. It was a very painful decision to let go of that marriage and to move on, but I did it after many years of soul searching and making sure that it wasn’t anything that I needed to change about me.
So, the rebuilding process is really the key, and as I rebuilt and learned, again, like I said earlier, about who I was and what was it that I needed in a relationship, I figured out that my needs were to feel important. Stuart: You know, one of the things that we were sort of talking about before we started recording was how long you and I have known each other, and it’s been, basically, about 10 years. Stuart: And one of the things that I remember when we were going through this, and this is sort of an offshoot of the discussion we’re having, which is, that I had known you for a number of years and one of the things that I always remarked, to myself at least, about was sort of the heaviness that I saw in you as you were going through this process.
And, you know, I don’t know that it necessarily affected, in a negative way, my work with couples. Stuart: So, what you’re really talking about, and I think this is something that we talk a lot about here on The Couples Expert Podcast, is having an authentic, genuine relationship, having a relationship with a partner that sees all of you – the good, the bad, the ugly – even the things that you don’t like about yourself, and they’re able to sort of see through that and go, “You know what? And one of the things I want to go to now because you brought up mindfulness, and I think it’s a very interesting topic, could you give me a definition of what that really means?
Ariel: Well, essentially, it means looking at something with intention and with purpose in the present moment. Okay, so that’s sort of a broad definition, but if we’re going to bring it into the context of couples, there’s a lot of that EFT information that talks about being attuned, being attentive to your partner, that’s the same kind of thing that mindfulness is.
Stuart: So, it’s really taking the craziness of life and really thinning it down to a point where you say, “I’m going to zoom in.” So, it’s really a hyper-focus, isn’t it? So, the focus is on the connection and not what you do, which is why I get frustrated sometimes with couples that argue about, what are they going to do, “I don’t like doing that, I don’t like doing that,” and that craziness that people do, when it’s about being present with your partner or being mindful with your partner. Stuart: You know, one of the best reading material that I’ve done on this, myself, is a gentleman who is a Buddhist monk, who I love, love, love, love, and I use him all the time in my Couples Weekend retreats. Thich Nhat Hanh has a book on walking meditation and I read that, and I did it for a while, (I actually have given up a little bit on it), and the whole purpose of what he talked about is, you’re walking, but you’re not just walking to go somewhere, you’re walking to feel the step, to feel every pressure, every pebble, every moment, so you’re totally focused on, what is the sensations. Stuart: You know, I reflect on, because, similar to Ariel, and I’ve shared this before, that I’ve also been divorced. Mindfulness has been described as a state of awareness characterized by refined attentional skills and a non-evaluative attitude toward internal and external events.
We may be prone to feelings of unworthiness, superiority, and fear as well as a host of other feelings that push us around. When we can sustain an attitude of gentle curiosity whenever things are not going as expected, we are becoming true mindfulness yogis.
The course is practical and direct teaching of mindfulness skills and can be especially beneficial for clinicians to help their clients and patients with relationship issues. She will be your guide in empowering clients to ease away from self-criticism, transform negativity, and open their hearts to more compassion and love.
You may have just walked in the door and set your keys down, but you have no idea what you did with them? Truly listening requires you to set aside your thoughts about the day, your worries about tomorrow, and your attempts to plan for tomorrow.
Are you able to focus on what is happening in the moment without your mind wandering to other things? As such, time and space is given for cultivating personal wellbeing and resiliency through reflective exercises, mindfulness practices and enquiry into what supports and hinders their wellbeing. We welcome people from all spiritual traditions or none, and individuals interested in cultivating greater interpersonal skills, as well as exploring the link between psychological and spiritual wellbeing.
And as you enjoy this incredible phase of life, meditation can help you to keep your relationship healthy, even when your little one’s keeping you up at night.When a new baby comes on the scene, most of us don’t have enough time for ourselves, let alone our partners. So, not only do I get to spend the time with my friend, but I get to work and do the things that I love with the people that, really, I’m close to. I’m very insightful, and I enjoyed learning about psychology in high school, and I always wanted to help people.
I don’t think I was quite that boisterous or open to everybody, but I did enjoy talking to people and getting to know what they were feeling, what they were thinking, and how I could help them to have more insight into their own life so that they could approve how they felt about their relationships in themselves. And we might have different levels of comfort with different levels of intimacy, but ultimately, I was somebody that enjoyed being able to share in every aspect and feel close to somebody.


And I hear you talking about your past relationships, and I wonder a little bit about what that says. I’m going through the process of needing to let that relationship go, but then finding myself, following my divorce, and learning, “What do I really want? And I did a lot of work to make sure, with the tools that I learned as a therapist, and personally doing inventory. My needs were to feel like a priority, to feel like I was being attended to, and vice versa, that I would do the same for the other. And even, I think more importantly, the time before the decision was made, and that, you know, the life sort of being sucked out of you, almost.
So, it was a very heavy time for me to be in a position where I was teaching, guiding, giving advice to couples about how to be closer, about how to love each other and learn to connect more, and I was not figuring that out for myself at home.
In fact, it probably made me more inspired to help people connect because I had some say in that when I was sitting there with them. And so, yeah, it does come to a point where you… I think we’re harder on ourselves, too, as therapists, that we think we should know it all, we should be able to fix it all, we shouldn’t have the same kinds of problems that other people do.
Mindfulness, to me, is a very important process of being merciful and compassionate with yourself and starting there.
And, it’s learning to, basically, be intentional with how you focus on something, and you are mindful of what it is that you’re trying to consciously do. It’s not allowing distractions, (your phone, the media, the social media that’s all around us), to deter us or to distract us from the connecting with our partner.
It’s just being purposeful with that, being conscious and aware, because many of us can just sort of go through our daily life and be unconscious and not, you know, not really be aware. The reason you’re focusing and you’re having a date night, or the reason that you’re going to the movies and out to dinner isn’t because you like movies and dinner, although you might, it’s because you want to do this to improve the connection between the two of you. And if people want to check him out, you can go to YouTube, and I may mispronounce his name and I apologize to him right now if I do, but it’s Thich Nhat Hanh. And, if you think about that in terms of a relationship, in how the experience is for you, being with someone who you sense cares about you, if you really sat down and began to talk about this, and what the experience is like to have someone like that in your life, what an amazing intimate moment that would be, for couples to do that. At 60 years old, I guess I can admit that, and one of the things that I talk a lot about is the experience of my wife now, who is a very different type of person than the wife that I was married to previously. Recently, it has been suggested that higher levels of mindfulness may be beneficial in the workplace and first programs aiming to increase mindful awareness in occupational settings have been introduced. You can do the course at your own pace and also tune into an additional six hours of live contact with Tara via teleconference. Staying present can help you enjoy what you are doing at that very moment without being distracted by other aspects of life. Many books and self-help courses are available on mindfulness and trained therapists can assist people in practicing this skill on an individual basis. Participants often find that the course helps them to deepen into a state of presence and learn to bring this state of awareness into relationship. I have with me, a good friend of mine, Ariel Schulz Bradley, who is someone that I have known, (and I can’t even say it as I think about it), ten years.
And so, I learned over time that even through my understanding of what makes a healthy relationship, and what I wanted to do to improve my own relationship, that because I didn’t have a partner who was willing to go down that path with me, I had to kind of let go of that relationship.
I think sometimes people who hear marriage counselors, especially, who are not in a marriage, or ended up divorced at one point in their life, they say, “Why should I go see that person? What does create the ingredients for me to feel happy, secure, safe, bonded with somebody?” So, I know the difference, I have the contrast, so I can know. And, you know, when you’re younger and you don’t always know who you are or what you want, you don’t always have a good understanding of what, even, love is, especially if you do come from a family where love was not such a healthy experience as far as how your parents might have shown love for each other. I was very good at giving, and I also needed to learn to receive and find somebody that also was good at giving to me.
So, it was hard to see the incongruence in my life and that definitely, what you saw, was I was wearing that heaviness as a result.
But, going home every day after seeing couples make progress and then me, myself, not being able to feel or see that same progress in my own marriage, it was a very heavy time, yes. When you’ve gone through things that you are feeling, like you said, very hypocritical about or ashamed of at some level because you shouldn’t get a divorce when you’re a therapist. One of the things that I like about mindfulness is that I’ve always been a multi-tasker, I’ve always been somebody who looked to the future, to kind of look forward rather than being in the present, and I know I missed out on a lot of things.
And not that, you know, doing things together is absolutely important too, but it is really just being there for somebody, feeling like you’re there for them. We make things so complex, and in our Western culture, that’s part of the problem, is that we’re taught to constantly be doing things for our sense of purpose.
The current study underpins these developments with empirical evidence regarding the involved psychological processes, by investigating the relationship between dispositional mindfulness, work engagement, and well-being in 299 adults in full-time employment. Instead, you were focused on what you were going to do next or what happened earlier in the day.
Let go of the thoughts about yesterday or tomorrow and try to focus on what is happening in the present. Meditation teaches us to approach our relationships mindfully, and that has a real impact on how we relate to our partner, and how they, in turn relate to us.Put the stress to one sideMindfulness teaches us a different approach to daily life. We have known each other about ten years, and we actually practiced together in Mesa, Arizona, and had a practice when I was doing, basically, working for some insurance panels, and really doing the kind of work that really drained me, until I really found Emotionally Focused Therapy. I grew up in kind of a tumultuous family where there was a lot of arguing, conflict, especially between my parents, and so I decided that I wanted to help people.
I can sit with my couples and I can tell when they are feeling safe and close, and when they’re not, because I’ve been on both sides of that. I think I can appear that way, and I think a lot of therapists can, and that’s what you’re supposed to do at some level, is keep that at home.
And, you know, the purpose, like you just said, is pretty simple, it’s really just about being together. As hypothesized, the results confirm that self-reported mindfulness predicts work engagement and general well-being. Unfortunately, this mindset actually can cause people to be less productive and causes them to miss out on the present moment.
It shows us how to step back from our constant thoughts and feelings, calming the mind so we can appreciate the moment we’re in clearly, and untangled from birthing plans, feeding schedules, work concerns and exhaustion.The benefits of mindfulness are felt across every relationship, from those with our children and partners, to friends and even strangers. I was a mediator of sorts, and enjoyed the process of helping people learn to understand each other so they could get along better and have more loving, close relationships.
But again, it’s so much better to be able to be congruent and now be in the space that I’m in, doing the work that I’ve done and finding a partner that does fit, matches my level of intimacy and need for them. It can be just a walk in the park, and it’s about observing things and talking, and connecting and sharing, and responding through either just showing eye connection or eye contact, you know, that kind of thing. Furthermore, these relationships are mediated by positive job-related affect and psychological capital (hope, optimism, resiliency, and self-efficacy). Trait mindfulness and work–family balance among working parents: the mediating effects of vitality and sleep quality. Having a new clarity and space in the mind means that we become kinder, happier and more accepting, so we feel better, and those around us do, too.When it comes to our partner, mindfulness teaches us to capture and be present in the moments we’re together. And two, because I want to have her talk a little bit about her passion, which is helping couples with mindfulness.
It was a difficult decision, of course, it’s always very traumatic for everybody involved, especially your children because they don’t have that choice. Investigating mindfulness and psychological capital as multi-faceted concepts by means of structural equation modeling yielded a more precise picture. The ability to step back from automatic, habitual reactions to distress turned out to be the mindfulness facet most central for predicting work engagement and well-being.


Furthermore, mindfulness exerts its positive effect on work engagement by increasing positive affect, hope, and optimism, which on their own and in combination enhance work engagement (full mediation).
Well-being, on the other hand, is directly influenced by mindfulness, which exerts additional indirect influence via positive affect, hope, and optimism (partial mediation).
Although exploratory in nature, the results identify non-reactivity and non-judging as important mindfulness skills in the workplace. Remember, kindness is contagious!Mind the reality gap Do you relate to your partner as they are right now or as you think they should be? Measuring and managing employee work engagement: a review of the research and business literature. Meta-analysis of the impact of positive psychological capital on employee attitudes, behaviors, and performance. Construct validity of the five facet mindfulness questionnaire in meditating and nonmeditating samples. Exploring the relationship between workaholism and workplace aggressive behaviour: the role of job-related emotion.
Measuring mindfulness: first steps towards the development of a comprehensive mindfulness scale. The assessment of present-moment awareness and acceptance: the Philadelphia Mindfulness Scale. Freire (Eds.), The Wiley-Blackwell handbook of the psychology of coaching and mentoring (pp. Relationships of proactive behaviour with job-related affective well-being and anticipated retirement age: an exploration among older employees in Belgium. Factor analysis of the five facet mindfulness questionnaire in a heterogeneous clinical sample.
Examining workplace mindfulness and its relations to job performance and turnover intention. Development and preliminary validation of a trait version of the Toronto Mindfulness Scale. Building on the positives: a psychometric review and critical analysis of the construct of Psychological Capital.
A Monte Carlo study of the effects of correlated method variance in moderated multiple regression analysis. Meaningful work, employee engagement, and other key employee outcomes: implications for human resource development. Mindfulness and emotion regulation: the development and initial validation of the Cognitive and Affective Mindfulness Scale-Revised (CAMS-R). In the eyes of the beholder: transformational leadership, positive psychological capital, and performance.
The relative roles of engagement and embeddedness in predicting job performance and intention to leave. A conservation of resources view of the relationship between work engagement and work interference with family. Business-unit-level relationship between employee satisfaction, employee engagement, and business outcomes: a meta-analysis. Benefits of mindfulness at work: the role of mindfulness in emotion regulation, emotional exhaustion, and job satisfaction.
Cultivating mindfulness in health care professionals: a review of empirical studies of mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR). A Monte Carlo study of the effects of common method variance on significance testing and parameter bias in hierarchical linear modeling. The effects of mindfulness meditation training on multitasking in a high-stress information environment. Positive psychological capital: measurement and relationship with performance and satisfaction. Integrating mindfulness training into K-12 education: fostering the resilience of teachers and students.
Common method biases in behavioral research: a critical review of the literature and recommended remedies. Positive emotion regulation and well-being: comparing the impact of eight savoring and dampening strategies.
Leading mindfully: two studies on the influence of supervisor trait mindfulness on employee well-being and performance.
Psychological capital and performance of Portuguese civil servants: exploring neutralizers in the context of an appraisal system.
Job demands, job resources, and their relationship with burnout and engagement: a multi-sample study. The measurement of engagement and burnout: a two sample confirmatory factor analytic approach. Tests of significance and descriptive goodness-of-fit measures Methods of Psychological Research, 8(2), 23–74.Schonert-Reichl, K. The effects of a mindfulness-based education program on pre- and early adolescents’ well-being and social and emotional competence. I think therefore I am: cognitive distortions and coping style as mediators for the effects of mindfulness meditation on anxiety, positive and negative affect, and hope. Teaching self-care to caregivers: effects of mindfulness-based stress reduction on the mental health of therapists in training. The moderation of mindfulness-based stress reduction effects by trait mindfulness: results from a randomized controlled trial.
The will and the ways: development and validation of an individual-differences measure of hope.
Recovery, work engagement, and proactive behavior: a new look at the interface between nonwork and work. Being engaged at work and detached at home: a week-level study on work engagement, psychological detachment, and affect. Meditation, mindfulness and executive control: the importance of emotional acceptance and brain-based performance monitoring. Inside the mindful mind: how mindfulness enhances emotion regulation through improvements in executive control. Process evaluation of a workplace health promotion intervention aimed at improving work engagement and energy balance.
Using the Job-Related Affective Well-Being Scale (JAWS) to investigate affective responses to work stressors. A multi-method examination of the effects of mindfulness on stress attribution, coping, and emotional well-being.
Examining the factor structures of the Five Facet Mindfulness Questionnaire and the Self-Compassion Scale. Effective and viable mind-body stress reduction in the workplace: a randomized controlled trial.
Work engagement and financial returns: a diary study on the role of job and personal resources.



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Comments Mindfulness relationship quotes

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