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21.06.2014
Get an Instant Coupon TODAY by email and you willalso receive news, deals, and exclusive offers. Mother’s Day is almost here, a special time of year when chocolate, flowers and fragrances get their own chance in the advertising limelight. Victoria's Secret has unveiled their latest lingerie collection especially designed for Valentine's Day. NC (voiceover): So the movie begins with the not-so-wise idea of showing us footage from the first film, making us realize how much we’re gonna hate this one. Narrator: The prophet Nicodemus predicted that NIMH would again thrust its evil on the rats, and a son of Jonathan Brisby would be chosen to save them.
NC: (speaks as Jesus’ father to a Photoshopped image of Jesus as a baby while calming, holy music plays in the background) Now, Jesus, you know your mother and I are very, very proud of you.
NC (voiceover): So, it’s sort of hard to understand, but I guess Timmy is being sent to the rats to train in their ways and become a stronger person.
Justin: You know, Timmy, when your father saved the rats of NIMH, he didn’t know that was his destiny.
NC: (mimics Justin) I get the feeling that history’s gonna say…you are your father, whether you like it or not. NC (voiceover): So, literally, the next 20 minutes or so is just building up what a fucking godsend Timmy’s going to be. NC (voiceover): So Timmy shows off one of his new skills by setting up traps for dangerous wildlife. Young Timmy: (pulls a string on a balloon that a snake just ate, inflating it and launching the snake into the sky) And don’t come back! NC: (as Young Timmy) Well, I can’t do anything, haven’t done anything, don’t plan on doing anything, but this dead guy says I’m the Messiah! NC (voiceover): So Timmy grows up into a teenager, played by the Karate Kid himself, Ralph Macchio, and guess what?
NC (voiceover): So, after all his training, on his first adventure to obtain food, what does Timmy end up doing? NC (voiceover): But he comes across another mouse named Jenny, who, it turns out, actually escaped from NIMH. NC (voiceover): So Jenny explains how her parents are being held at NIMH and how the experiments are getting more and more out of control, mostly run by a crazy scientist named Valentine. NC (voiceover): (sputters with rage) Thorn Valley isn’t going, so what the fuck are you talking about?!
Jenny: (getting out blankets to make a rope out of) When I was little, I remember a mouse in the cage next to ours telling my parents that the rats escaped from NIMH had settled in a place called Thorn Valley. NC (voiceover): So Timmy, after just a mere couple of years after hearing the news, finally goes to save his brother along with Jenny, who’s off to save her parents, but a nasty hawk bursts their bubble and they plummet to the ground. NC (voiceover): Well, it’s so Jeremy and the caterpillar can scam people out of money by charging them for asking questions.
NC (voiceover): So Jeremy finally flies Timmy and Jenny to NIMH, and it turns out that Justin and Mr.


NC (voiceover): So…(sighs)…after whatever the hell we just witnessed, Martin locks up Timmy and tells Jenny that he’s going to take over Thorn Valley and make her his queen.
NC (voiceover): So when you get down to it, the actual secret of NIMH in this movie was a totally insane mouse who had the voice of Eric Idle. NC (voiceover): They help everybody escape, but the place catches fire, and Timmy wants to go in and save Martin.
NC: (as Timmy while fiddling through his papers trying to find the right cliche lines to say) Oh! NC (voiceover): He finds Martin and manages to get him out of there before the place burns up.
Martin: (is back to normal--no Eric Idle voice--and talking to Timmy) You singlehandedly saved Thorn Valley.
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Maybe [it’s] because I’ve praised the first one as an animated classic, and have even admitted it to being one of my favorite movies.
Nothing about this kid indicates that he has great intelligence or great leadership skills. Ages: Well, at least I know what happened to the weather balloon I asked you to get for me. Ages: If snakes go flying through the air, humans might find out about Thorn Valley, and we might be in real danger. Ages: (to Timmy and Jenny in their room before leaving and closing the door) Good night, children.
They come across a caterpillar who says he can lead them to the Great Owl, which it turns out is not the Great Owl, but actually Jeremy, posing as the Great Owl. Ages are kidnappers, and Timmy doesn’t even bat an eye as his brother is being tortured for several years. Insano: “And then the mouse turns into a mad scientist and betrays all his friends.” (pauses to absorb what he just wrote) Genius!
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None of them would’ve survived were it not for the incredible bravery of that great mouse Jonathan Brisby.


That made-up prophecy you pulled out of your ass didn’t say anything about Timmy being the hero, so why doesn’t Martin have a shot?
You know, I’m sorry, I’m still gonna dwell on this: You do not treat your child this way, especially if he hasn’t done anything yet! Oh, I’m sorry, except for that “great prophecy.” (cuts to clips of Nicodemus from the first “Secret of NIMH” film) OK, Nicodemus was a wise soul and could predict a lot of things that were going to happen, but you know what?
You know, if he was to apply to any other fancy school, he’d be thrown out in a millisecond.
And, I have to be honest, as we near the third act of this film, I’m not seeing the spectacular badness it’s supposed to have. Now, every child in the world will know that they can no longer escape the clutches of science! And in case you missed it, check out the 2014 Victoria’s Secret Swim catalogue photographed in St. Brisby and the Rats of NIMH was dark, dramatic, yet still had an element of wonder that makes it--what I consider--a masterpiece of animation. He sure couldn't predict when a fucking brick was gonna fall on him and crush him into a Nico-pancake! I mean, it starts off bad—“Bad sequel” bad--and then it just spirals into a world of absolute insanity. We see Timmy and his brother Martin riding each other’s nuts until some evil scientists start following them. Well, good, maybe here, they’ll finally treat him like a normal p- (a banner that says “Welcome Timothy” is being hoisted up) Ohh…really? The choices they made to go with this story are just mind-boggling, I still can’t comprehend it! The only thing that’s remotely entertaining about this film is Eric Idle doing the voice of Martin, but even then, that’s because he’s just so batshit insane, that it’s sort of hard not to laugh at it.
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There’s still the fact that Martin’s the bad guy, there’s still the fact that they built up for this kid who’s literally done nothing, there’s the fact of that stupid self-fulfilling prophecy, there’s the fact that Mrs. Adorned with hand-cut pink Swarovski crystal embellishments, this collector’s item retails for $250.
Because they put a bandage on his head, and in all kids' movies, that seems to fix everything!
Brisby’s barely in it nor the rest of the family, for that matter, it’s just…(sputters in rage)…IT’S SO TERRIBLE!



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