A few years back, when I was a less experienced mother and a more passive friend, my family and I were invited to a Superbowl party at the home of one of my older daughter’s pre-school friends.
Ten minutes  later, when the two girls frolicked back into the living room still holding hands, I couldn’t help but notice a spotty red rash that extended from Haley’s neck, all the way up the side of her face. I’m no doctor, but I knew at that moment that a girl diagnosed with strep in the morning is not a girl who is germ-free by evening. I have looked back on that event for four solid years now, thinking about how un-assertive I was to have not been able to find the words to excuse my family politely and prioritize my daughters’ health and well-being. As I have developed better skills for asserting the needs and rights of my family members, I know that upon first noticing the rash, I should have said something along the lines of, “Oh, I wish you would have told me ahead of time. Last Friday, a neighbor with three children invited our family over for a Pizza Night, this coming Friday. But she quickly wrote back about changing the date from Saturday to Sunday for dinner, claiming she didn't think her kids would still be contagious by then.
I did tell my husband, though, that I think I understand now why naturally assertive people seem so happy.
Only time will tell what my neighbor’s next e-mail will say, but my conscience is clear in terms of the decision I have made for my own family’s health and the honest way in which I expressed myself.
I also think it’s good to remind ourselves that we are human and we are never going to be perfect parents. Editor’s comments: I love Amanda’s advice that this mom listen to her own vulnerable parts and also opens the way for her partner to do the same. Some parents find it very hard to listen to a baby crying, especially if they were not allowed to cry about their own emotional hurts in someone’s loving arms when they were little. Understanding that sometimes babies need to cry about emotional hurts in their parents’ loving arms can sometimes help the parent who is finding the crying hard to take. To learn more about Aware Parenting, and how to handle babies cries without ever leaving them to cry it out alone, you can read this article Crying for Comfort: Distressed Babies Need to be Held.
The articles on this site are copyrighted and may not be reproduced anywhere without the permission in writing of the owner of the site. This entry was posted in FAQ and tagged aware parenting, gentle discipline, good father, parenting questions answered, sleep training.
I am also finding that suddenly my husband seems more like a second child of mine than my support system. Hi KM, You made a very difficult decision, and one that might not be right for everyone — but it was right for you. Assertive Democratic Parenting Style is also often known and referred to by experts as the Authoritative parenting style. Explanations and behaviourWhen their children do not behave themselves, Assertive Democratic parents explain to them why they are not happy with their behaviour and try to help them to understand the repercussions that their actions may have on others, particularly if their behaviour may injure another child. You should seek independent professional advice before acting upon any information on the ParentingStyles website. Most of the actions imposed on kids are usually from parentsa€™ own experience and thata€™s what needs to be looked into for corrective measures.
This style of parenting is predominant with rules, breaking of which would result in punishment and is like a closed ended question. Children raised under such an environment tend to grow up understanding responsibility better. Children while growing up tend to bite or suddenly hit you and thata€™s not because they are violent.. Being Assertive is designed for parents who have followed or will be following one of our parenting programmes. Feedback: “I thought that things would never be any different with my family, we were stressed all the time. Parenting style refers to the normative patterns of behavior and tactics that parents use to socialize and control their children. Following this early work, Diana Baumrind (1971) conducted extensive observations of parents interacting with their children in their homes and concluded that four dimensions of parent-child interactions reflecting types of responsiveness and control could predict reliably children's social, emotional, and cognitive functioning. The benefits of authoritative parenting have been documented mostly in samples of middle-class families in industrialized Western societies. Despite these group-level differences, the positive effects of responsiveness and developmentally appropriate levels of control are quite similar for all children. Although findings have been fairly robust and consistent with respect to the benefits of responsive and demanding parenting, several conceptual and methodological issues preclude strong conclusions about the effects of parenting styles on children.
Additional concerns surround the methods employed to document parenting styles (Maccoby, 2007).
Of final interest are the processes and mechanisms by which parenting styles might have their influence on child outcomes. The school year was in full-swing, but the friendship between the three-year old girls was just beginning and the invitation was an especially exciting one for my daughter. As I bounced my 12-month old younger daughter on my lap, I said to Haley’s mom with concern, “Have you seen Haley’s neck? Oh, I knew what Scarletina was—a rash that sometimes accompanies the strep virus in children. My kids stayed healthy and I learned a valuable lesson: putting your family's needs first requires assertive behavior. I don’t want you to have to think about having people over when you have sick kids and I am nervous about my girls catching the stomach bug. I started to think that not sticking up for my family’s health at that Superbowl-playdate really was the easier way. Having to be a broken record today has been slightly annoying, but on the whole, I feel practically giddy about having stood up for my family’s right not to spend a Pizza Night in StomachVirus-ville. I do look forward to a Pizza Night with our friends another day and hope that our friendship can withstand the forthright honesty that it took me four years to muster. She has been child and family therapist for over ten years, which has afforded her many opportunities to champion constructive solutions to everyday situations.
I often have parents in my ‘tuning into kids’ programme that say the same thing about their partners. So listening to the part of yourself that feels concerned, and letting that part of you know you’re doing the best you can — and reaching out for support for the part of you that is triggered by your partner, like you’re doing now, sounds like it could be very helpful in making you feel stronger and more able to be assertive. So they will do everything they can to shut the baby up (jiggle her, put something into her mouth, etc.) or leave the baby to cry alone until she gives up and stops communicating her needs because she learns nobody is going to come, no matter how hard she cries.


Our appreciation to everyone who has kindly given their permission for us to use their images. It seems many men have a very difficult time with transitioning to parenthood and can’t handle the lack of attention since moms are all over baby suddenly.
Assertive Democratic parenting produces children who are generally well balanced and able to cope with situations well. This way children learn from an early age that they have to demonstrate a certain level of responsibility for their actions.Help Around The HouseChildren who have Assertive Democratic parents will be encouraged to get involved with helping around the house with domestic chores.
Cling too tightly to your children and youa€™ll find them rebelling in their teens when they feel oppressed. You will have momentary breakdowns and hair raising situations, your temper would simply tear the roof top! Grownups love to lecture, yell and prod at children for their mischievous behavior or nonstop shower of questions.
Here are scenarios parents need to put themselves in, to understand what would work better because both the methods would deliver results but to what extent, is what you need to look into. Your child understands the tone of your voice when spoken assertively and realizes that there would be a penalty for wrong doing but there is also a reward waiting if they correct themselves.
They understand and act according to the situation in a better fashion and learn to adjust better. The programme enables groups of up to twelve parents to learn skills that will help them to avoid both aggression and passivity, and to be firm, friendly and respectful with their children as well as with others.
Doing the Assertiveness course helped me to change my responses to situations and as a result things are a lot better”.
Authoritative parenting is responsive and demanding in that parents communicate high expectations, provide clear standards for behavior, monitor child behavior, and discipline based on reasoning and explanation rather than power assertion or withdrawal of love.
These children enjoy academic success, demonstrate socially responsible and prosocial forms of classroom behavior, and competent relationships with their peers. However, some evidence indicates that parenting in working class and low socio-economic status families tends to be more authoritarian, with fathers using power assertive discipline more often than mothers. A central issue is that most researchers document parenting on the part of just one parent, most often the mother.
In studies of young children, observations of mother-child interactions during prescribed laboratory-based activities typically are used to identify specific parenting styles. To illustrate, reasons for why responsive parenting should be related to a child's academic performance have not been well articulated.
When we arrived at the party, spinach-and-artichoke-bread-bowl in hand, my daughter’s classmate, Haley, greeted her with a warm embrace and a sweet kiss.
With flashbacks of the Superbowl-playdate in my head, I e-mailed back my sympathy and concern, along with an offer to bring over ginger ale or to run to the store for crackers or chicken soup. We’ll look forward to doing it another time or to having you to our house after the holidays.
An hour later, two days before the scheduled Pizza Night, my neighbor e-mailed back to report that her third child had just gotten sick but still wanted to keep the Friday date. But I was knee-deep now and I know that if I acquiesced, I was going to spend the next two days feeling resentful and pushed-around—not to mention unnecessarily subjecting my kids to gross vomit germs! My husband and I have talked quite a bit about coming to your house and have decided that it is very important not to be making a long holiday car trip with sick children or, worse yet, bringing a virus to his 85 year old parents. I am not responsible for the perishable items that were purchased (as my husband pointed out, we thought it was supposed to be Pizza Night!!) and I have been honest, clear, and direct.
I wanted to also point out that it may be worth considering whether your partner was previously controlling of you.
Families like this will often have a family rota or schedule with everyone having their own list of jobs to do during the week. This way theya€™re encouraged to become more independent, and that climb towards independence really begins at birth. A brief assessment of different parental styles will give a better understanding of the the doa€™s and dona€™ts of effective parenting. It is under such upbringing and environment; youa€™d see adolescents getting argumentative, frustrated, short tempered and display sheer lack of responsibility. This would make them more violent and adamant and paint a shabby picture of you as a parent. As parents it becomes your responsibility to help your child understand the other ways of seeking attention or calling out or putting forward their demands. This is a simplified programme based on the belief that it is better to help participants learn a few basic skills than to give them a lot of insights that might not be translated into their day-to-day living. Others (Lewin, Lippitt, & White, 1939) documented that adult leadership styles in classroom-like settings resulted in different levels of engagement on the part of children, with relatively warm and egalitarian styles resulting in greater task involvement, more self-regulated and autonomous behavior, and more competent performance than either highly controlling or permissive styles. Authoritarian parenting is similar to authoritative parenting in terms of being demanding; however, parents are described as less responsive in that they are more likely to use power assertive disciplinary techniques and rely on love withdrawal to gain child obedience.
They also report strong intrinsic interest in learning, positive beliefs about ability and control, and mastery goal orientations toward learning (see Wigfield, Eccles, Schiefele, Roeser, & Davis-Kean, 2006).
Children raised in more communal and extended family networks such as those found in Native American cultures, tend to be treated more permissively than European American children.
Authoritative parenting also tends to predict social competence and adaptive psychological functioning for African American, Asian American, European American, and Hispanic American children; positive relations between authoritative parenting and academic outcomes have been found mostly for European American children. Little is known about the frequency with which both parents display similar parenting styles or about the effects of discordant styles on children's development. My confusion stemmed from what on earth we were doing at a Superbowl party with a child with a raging case of strep.
Afterall, assertiveness is all about stating your rights and needs directly and even repeatedly, when necessary. Instead of feeling guilted into the invitation or resentful about accepting it, I was able to stand firm on our rights to postpone the get-together.
In my case my partner’s lack of tolerance for, and effort to quell, my responsive parenting was in retrospect part of a larger problem in our relationship.
They ensure that they always explain things to their children, and make it clear to them that they expect a certain level and standard of behaviour, and why those standards are so important.Consistent AdviceAssertive Democratic or Authoritative parents always keep a close eye on their childrena€™s behaviour and try to make sure that their advice to their children is consistent. Decisions about the kind of job that each child will be given, will depend on their age and ability-there is a strong focus on rewarding a child for good or positive behaviour and therefore it is important that they will be able to achieve the task they are asked to perform.Choices Are ImportantAssertive Democratic parents like to offer their children choices and again these are dependent on the age and ability of each child.


As you see them grow and become happy with themselves and the world you know youa€™ve done a good job. You just have to understand the reason for why your child is asking so many questions or whining and answer to the point for them to be content and it sure will pay off. Sometimes this parenting style involves spanking your child with results beyond imagination although many claim of no damage done. The a€?quality timea€™ parents spend with their children will go a long way in molding children into responsible adults who will make this world a better place with their caring and sharing. NB There is little emphasis on the skills of negotiation in Being Assertive because they are already covered in our parenting programmes.
From this work evolved a general approach to the study of parenting styles focused on socialization strategies reflecting demandingness and responsiveness. Permissive indulgent parents display relatively high levels of responsiveness but low levels of control. Moreover, over the course of the high school years, the academic functioning of adolescents with neglectful parents declined and levels of delinquency and internalizing symptoms such as depression increased significantly, especially in comparison to that of students with authoritative parents. It is important to note, however, that few of these findings reflect comparisons of parenting styles based on Baumrind's typology, but rather on parenting described more generally along dimensions of control or warmth or in terms of authoritative versus non-authoritative parenting. Chinese mothers tend to demonstrate more controlling, authoritarian parenting practices than their European American counterparts (Fisher & Lerner, 2005). Similarly, few studies document parenting styles within the context of broader family systems. In the case of observational studies, issues focus on how to capture behavior in real time and take into account the sequential and reciprocal nature of parent-child interactions. Family functioning and academic achievement in middle school: A social-emotional perspective. I want to be able to hold my baby when she cries because she is upset, and as she gets older, listen to her emotions and let her cry about her feelings in my arms when she needs to.
They make big efforts to try and observe their children when they are being good so that this positive behaviour can be rewarded.
A preschool child might be given the option of what to wear, in other words a€?a red shirt or a blue shirt?a€? whereas older children might be given the choice of what to eat, or what to play.
This is a question all parents need to ask themselves before justifying the whole act of nurturing as a difficult errand.
After all ita€™s a journey that they have embarked on called life and they come across a lot that might seem mundane to grownups but is of excitement to your child. Your child will throw tantrums, bring the roof down but they will soon calm down too if only you do not lose your patience and remain calm yet assertive. Specifically, this style is typified by low levels of control and maturity demands, but high levels of solicitation and demonstrations of warmth.
Research on age-related differences suggests that as children get older, outward displays of warmth and affection and direct disciplinary encounters by parents lessen, as verbal communication and discussion increase. It also is not clear how consistent parenting styles are across contexts and age of the child. Decisions concerning whether to interpret interactions as a function of time, event, or context also are cause for debate. The relationships between parenting types and older adolescents' personality, academic achievement, adjustment, and substance use. By regularly reinforcing their childrena€™s good behaviour and making a big deal about rewarding them, Assertive Democratic parents try not to focus on negative behaviour.
As children progress through the education system, their choices of GCSEs and A levels will become hot topics of conversation, and by this stage these children will have developed into well-balanced and confident young people who have excellent communication and decision making capabilities.Assertive Democratic parents do not allow the large amount of freedom that permissive parents deem to be acceptable, and neither do they adopt the rather old-fashioned and outdated approach of the authoritarian parent. Undoubtedly raising disciplined children is the most difficult but an important job a parent has but not impossible if you are determined to do what is required out of you as a parent. In contrast, permissive uninvolved parenting is described as being relatively low on both warmth and control. Parents also tend to provide greater opportunities for autonomy and self-regulation as children enter adolescence and early adulthood (Maccoby, 2007). In this regard, the degree to which consistency moderates the effects of parenting styles on child outcomes is not known.
The use of mothers' reports has been met with concern given the psychological investment that mothers have in presenting themselves and their children in the best light. Over-Time Changes in Adjustment and Competence among Adolescents from Authoritative, Authoritarian, Indulgent, and Neglectful Families.
Saying it and Meaning It Once you say “no” to your child, do not contradict this by giving her something else to compensate for what she was asking for. Instead, they prefer to look at each child as an individual and allow them the room and opportunities to grow and develop.
However, inconsistent parenting has been related to aggressive and noncompli-ant behavior throughout childhood and adolescence (Wentzel, 1994). In studies of older children, self-report methodologies typically are used to ask children about their parents' behavior.
Young children will throw tantrums; teenagers may badger and argue with you to get you to change your mind. There is a firm focus on cultivating independence from an early age, ensuring children remain aware of the outcomes of their actions and behaviour, and being able to cope well and thrive in any social setting.Interest And Curiosity In LifeChildren have an interest and curiosity in life in general, and tend to do well at school. They have a varied and secure social life and an ability to communicate at all levels, whilst also being very aware of social and behavioural boundaries and the consequences of their actions.
However, the degree to which these reports are reliable and valid assessments of parents' behavior as opposed to characteristics of the child is not well understood. So, when they do something that you approve, you should hug them, give them a small high-five or simply smile and they will understand that you approve of their behavior. Take a nap, write, go for a jog or a walk and remind yourself that your decision is in the best interest of your infant!



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